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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be pissed off with MIL's comments?

54 replies

inpixiehollow · 22/06/2021 17:45

So me and my partner have a daughter who is almost one and are due another baby in November. Me and OH weren't fussed about the baby's sex at all but found our we're expecting a baby boy. We've had lovely reactions off everybody except MIL who keeps rubbing me up the wrong way with the sort of comments she is making.
I should add that my partner is her only child and she is the typical overbearing, pandering to OH type of MIL.
So firstly she said something to the effect of "ooh I can finally have trainsets again!" the first time I just thought it was a bit weird but upon the 3rd time of her saying it my partner replied "daughter would have trainsets too!" And she said "yes but it's different"
Another time visiting our house she saw some clothes hanging up that we had bought for baby. She said "It's lovely to see little boys clothes!" Which doesn't seem too bizarre but she basically gave me a dressing down about our daughters wardrobe and how "she has too many clothes". She also put on Facebook "how wonderful it will be to have a mini-partners name"
I'm starting to feel like there is going to be favouritism especially when the baby is born and also wish she would acknowledge the baby will be his own self. AIBU to get annoyed? I don't mind her being excited but it already feels like my daughter isn't good enough.

OP posts:

YouBoggleMyMind · 22/06/2021 17:56

Sounds like my MIL. She favours boys. It's exhausting and extremely annoying and I have a son!

MissConductUS · 22/06/2021 18:01

It is off and annoying but not uncommon. The son carrying the family name and so on. If it continues over the top like this suggest to her that if she doesn't value your children equally you'll have better things to do than have her visit, as it's not fair to your daughter.

I have one of each and fortunately did not experience this with my MIL. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Horehound · 22/06/2021 18:02

God, I'd be very careful about unsupervised contact here.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/06/2021 18:05

Yuck. She’s being super weird and you’ll have to keep a close eye on how she behaves when your son arrives. This sort of thing makes me very uncomfortable.

NakedAttraction · 22/06/2021 18:09

The poor woman is just excited. Only on MN would people be bothered by these comments.

Holly60 · 22/06/2021 18:09

I’d try to give her a break. I’m sure she loves your DD but she is just excited about having a grandson. At the moment then baby is just an idea of a baby and having no other point of reference, of course she just imagines the baby is going to be just like your DH, her son. It’s probably taking her right back to her time as a mummy to her own baby, who will always be the most precious baby in the world to her (naturally). Once the baby is here and it is obvious that it’s not just a carbon copy of her son, but another child altogether, a little boy in his own right, she will probably calm down and love him as a DGM, to the same extent as she loves her DGD.

NakedAttraction · 22/06/2021 18:11

MILs really can’t win with this. Display excitement and you’re favouring one sex over the other. Stay neutral and you’re accused of not caring or showing any interest.

sillysmiles · 22/06/2021 18:12

She had one boy and now is thinking your baby is going to be mini version and she can relive her baby years.
As she only had a boy, it's partially understandable but she is way ott about it.

But you can't control what she says or does- only how you react to it, so don't rise to it, and don't let it get under your skin. She's the one that'll miss out on her gd if she favors one over the other.

Holly60 · 22/06/2021 18:13

FWIW my MIL made these comments on the birth of my DS, as she had only had boys. It was just nostalgia because she could get all the old toys out and see a little boy playing with them (as her sons had). It really didn’t bother me as I could kind of understand it. My own dear mum made a comment on the birth of my son after my daughter that we were so lucky to have one of each in that order, and how it was the best combination etc, just because that is what she had had. I didn’t take mortal offence or anything, people just like to get excited about babies arriving and say all sorts of things

BlueSurfer · 22/06/2021 18:13

You clearly don’t like her so I think that is clouding your view.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/06/2021 18:13

@NakedAttraction

The poor woman is just excited. Only on MN would people be bothered by these comments.

People who post on MN exist in the rest of the world. They just don’t always share their feelings about some things out loud.

Do you have any advice for OP or just here to stick the boot in to a pregnant woman asking what others think about a situation that’s upsetting her?

Theunamedcat · 22/06/2021 18:15

Some people are weird about babies my mom thought I should abort my son and try for another girl ummm no, no I won't be doing that and I will keep you at arms length for even suggesting it

TroysMammy · 22/06/2021 18:16

When my Dsis was pregnant her MIL gushed how much she loved little boys, how wonderful they were, would love a grandson etc, etc. When we went for her 20 week scan my Dsis asked if they could tell the sex of the baby. It was a girl and our grins lit up the darkened room. My DSis was so pleased she was having a girl. Then it was "she"'ll be the daughter I never had" bollocks.

Actually the "daughter she never had" doesn't like visiting that Grandmother because all she has to play with is her Dad's 50 year old childhood toys and Grandmother just watches the tv when she visits.

SheepGoBaaaa · 22/06/2021 18:17

Oh, just look puzzled and keep asking her what she means.

I had the opposite, which was also deeply annoying. My only child is a boy, and both my SILs and my MIL assumed I shared their slightly mad, entrenched preference for girls, and kept condoling with me, based on some entirely imaginary notion that I hankered after buying frilly dresses and imagined my later years going shopping and on diets with my (imaginary) daughter, so I must be suppressing major grief and disappointment.

Original poster

inpixiehollow · 22/06/2021 18:50

Thank you! I'm glad some of you find this equally odd and its not just my hormones making me see red over nothing. She is a bit weird towards OH anyway.. signs his cards from 'mummy' and such which makes me feel a bit pukey as my mother and myself would be mortified signing a card like that to an adult! I usually say nothing or let OH respond. If it continues when baby is here then it would be a real shame for both children to have less contact as a result.

OP posts:

MatildaTheCat · 22/06/2021 18:56

Wind her up by saying you won’t be allowing any ‘male’ toys or blue clothes as you want your DS and DD to have only gender neutral belongings. And possibly tell her he won’t be referred to as ‘he’ but only ‘they’.

Then get your DH to have a seriously stern word about favouritism.

sotiredofthislonelylife · 22/06/2021 19:14

@NakedAttraction

MILs really can’t win with this. Display excitement and you’re favouring one sex over the other. Stay neutral and you’re accused of not caring or showing any interest.

How right you are! I hope some of these women who complain endlessly about their MIL’s get to be treated in exactly the same way when they are MIL’s themselves…….. That would be karma 🤣

Holly60 · 22/06/2021 19:21

@inpixiehollow

I agree signing a card ‘mummy’ is probably a bit much. On the other hand, just you wait till you meet your little boy….

NakedAttraction · 22/06/2021 19:44

Do you have any advice for OP or just here to stick the boot in to a pregnant woman asking what others think about a situation that’s upsetting her?

It’s in AIBU so assumed I had the option to disagree with the OP.

Worldwide2 · 22/06/2021 19:48

It sounds like she's just excited and it probably brings memories of having a little boy back. I doubt she thinks your little girl isn't good enough she's probably just thrilled about a new arrival. I expect she can't help but think about your dh being small and will keep making the connection.
I would give her the benefit of the doubt.
Congratulations btw 💐

Rubyupbeat · 22/06/2021 19:53

*I should add that my partner is her only child and she is the typical overbearing, pandering to OH type of MIL.

Disgusting stereotype, And totally untrue!

MindyStClaire · 22/06/2021 19:53

As per many many threads on here over the years, "mummy" is regional and used by plenty of adults. My mum signs her cards "mam" even though I call her mum and my sister calls her mom, who cares.

I think it's natural for grandparents to link grandchildren back to their own memories of parenting, especially at first. My parents had two daughters and so do I, so of course there's comparisons and nostalgia. In contrast, PIL only have boys so when DNiece was born MIL adored buying dolls and dresses (naturally, niece is a committee tomboy ). PIL love their grandsons just as much as their granddaughters, and I know my parents will be the same if any little boys come along.

She's just excited about the idea, don't create a drama.

ivykaty44 · 22/06/2021 20:03

Pull her up on it,

Well your making it very obvious who your favourite is going to be, we don’t do favourites here so unless you want banning you’d better pack it in

Don’t let it get to an untenable state

Use the broken record and keep repeating

Also mention

You’d not like it if grandson shunned you for the other grandparents so don’t do it to the children

Babynames2 · 22/06/2021 20:22

I think it’s okay for her to see it as a ‘mini’ version of your partner because she’s just excited and remembers having a boy herself. But he may turn out to look like you, DD1 has turned out to be a mini version of my husband, but I think because your daughter is so young she probably isn’t seeing the similarities between her and your partner yet.

What would annoy me is the comments on the boy things and girl things. I have 2 DDs and I’m due with a boy in a few months and so far both my Mum and MIL have made comments about boys toys etc (which is barmy as DD1 is far from girly and we have loads of ‘boys toys’ already and she usually chooses clothes from the boys section), I’ve just pulled them up on it each time by pointing out that it’s sexist.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 22/06/2021 20:24

If it continues when baby is here then it would be a real shame for both children to have less contact as a result.
I should add that my partner is her only child and she is the typical overbearing, pandering to OH type of MIL.

You so clearly dislike her -- just go NC now and save yourself the trouble of trying to get along with her.
She might as well start getting used to not having any family now. If she only raised one DS, then she knows nothing about children and any advice she might give would be worthless.

Just surround your newborn with your wonderful family members. One less grandmother is not important.

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