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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder if DS did enough?

41 replies

StandingOvulation · 22/06/2021 16:42

Slightly unashamedly proud post. But with concerns he could have done more.

DS is 15, normal teenage behaviour at school, a bit chatty but a generally good pupil.

There was malarkey in Science tiday which resulted in teacher admonishing a group at the back for being a bit chatty. One pupil threw some water and was sent out. Another pupil was warned and muttered something about the teacher bring a bitch. DS called him on it by sharply saying "don't do that again".

Teacher called DS up on being loud and told him to join the other removed pupil. DS questioned why and was given a detention 😬. But accepted it and left the room.

He absolutely does not want me to contact school to explain further. He'll just accept the detention as one of those things. He was in the chatty group, which isn't great so he sees it as consequence for that.

AIBU to be proud of him for calling out the misogyny?

OP posts:

Original poster

StandingOvulation · 22/06/2021 16:45

The AIBU got a bit confused, apologies.

AIBU to wonder if he should have explained further?

I can fully understand why he doesn't want to taje it further.

And fwiw, I believe his version of events - he's very quick to admit his wrong doings

OP posts:

Anoisagusaris · 22/06/2021 16:46

It’s not up to him to discipline class mates.

SummerInSun · 22/06/2021 16:48

Do not get involved. Even if you believe he's being totally honest, at 15 he's old enough to start to understand that if you are involved in the group that's doing the wrong thing (being chatty), you won't get the benefit of the doubt if some of the group behave worse than you.

Original poster

StandingOvulation · 22/06/2021 16:49

Calling out misogyny when it's seen is everyone role, surely?

But yes, you're right, it's the teacher's role, but she didn't hear it.

OP posts:

IDontReadEyebrows · 22/06/2021 16:49

I think it’s sad that misogyny is so prevalent at this age (and every other bloody age actually) that we’re praising boys and men for doing the absolute bare minimum, in this case calling it out.

Drivingmeupthewall · 22/06/2021 16:49

Do you think he was explicitly motivated by ‘calling out the misogyny’, rather than say, preventing them all from getting a further bollocking for being loud….?

Icecreamsoda99 · 22/06/2021 16:51

Yes I would be proud!

It’s not up to him to discipline class mates.

He wasn't! He didn't try and get his mate punished, he just called him/her out on their misogynistic and disrespectful language.

ScottishNewbie · 22/06/2021 16:51

I think it's great he called out friend.
I would get involved with school, he's old enough to accept consequences.
I would tell him to be more careful so he doesn't get into trouble again, but also tell him that you're proud.
I would be.

ScottishNewbie · 22/06/2021 16:51

Wouldn't get involved. Sorry*

RainingZen · 22/06/2021 16:51

Oh you're going to get a mixed bag of replies.

Be proud of your son for calling out the misogyny. Tell him he did the right thing but he has to suck it up, he was making noise, that's tough.

But give him extra helping of pudding for being a good bloke. And tell him next time you will be equally proud of him if he stands up for women, that is what counts in life, not some minor discipline procedure.

Icecreamsoda99 · 22/06/2021 16:54

Also OP, many people on here hate what they perceive as bragging/parental pride, just to warn you! As I said, I think you should be proud but you're going to get a lot of negative comments as well!

Librariesmakeshhhhappen · 22/06/2021 16:54

Jesus christ. Ever thread in feminism talks about how men need to solve this problem instead of leaving it to women. Everyone says men need to start shouting down their mates anytime they use that sort of misogynistic language or harass women or anything.
Here we have a teenage boy immediately shutting down his mate for calling a woman a bitch... and the first responses are all saying he should keep it of it, why are you proud of him doing the bear minimum and he was only doing it so they didnt get in more trouble.

Fuck sake. Men cant do right for doing wrong can they.

OP, I would speak with the teacher. Back them up on the punishment for being chatty but tell her that when your son stamps down another public being misogynistic, he should not be punished for it.

Blanketpolicy · 22/06/2021 16:55

No he shouldn't have explained further, he shouldn't have been part of the group causing a disturbance, I would be strongly doubting his intentions and I would not being proud of him for anything.

He would be told he is old enough to know when to keep his mouth shut and he was being disrespectful to the teacher by keeping the disruption going.

mbosnz · 22/06/2021 16:59

I'd be proud of your son, he spoke up when the teacher was disrespected, and was quite happy to take the rap for the consequences of his actions as he saw them.

Holly60 · 22/06/2021 17:05

I would be very proud of your teenaged son for standing up for what is right against his peer. I think if he wants to leave it with the school then let it be, but just tell him how proud of him his mum is, that will mean way more to him than anything else

UserAtRandom · 22/06/2021 17:10

IME teenagers use "bitch" as a derogatory word for both men and women. So I'm not so sure DS was actually calling out misogyny.

KeepingTrack · 22/06/2021 17:10

Well he was right to call the other pupil out.

He was wrong to do it so loudly and therefore in a disrespectful way towards the teachers.

WorraLiberty · 22/06/2021 17:15

Where does 'calling out misogyny' come into it though?

He said "Don't do that again". He didn't explain why it was a misogynistic thing to do.

Misogyny could of course have been the reason but equally he could be putting this spin on it, so now you're proud of him instead of annoyed?

I knew how to push my parent's buttons at that age and I also knew exactly how to 'butter them up'.

Frlrlrubert · 22/06/2021 17:16

'Calling out' misogyny = good.

'Calling out' anything when a teacher has asked for quiet = bad. He should have spoken to the other boy later when they were able to talk again.

It's good he's accepting responsibility for that action. Also good that the followed instructions at the time without arguing further.

If he speaks to the teacher privately and apologises for calling out, but explains what he was calling out, while accepting her decision on the detention, and that his intentions were good but his timing misplaced, he may find that she's of a mind to cancel it if her own volition (I would).

WorraLiberty · 22/06/2021 17:17

He absolutely does not want me to contact school to explain further. He'll just accept the detention as one of those things.

That also rings a little alarm bell for me although I admit, I'm basing it on how sneaky I was at school. There's no way I'd want my parents to contact the school either

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 22/06/2021 17:18

In this instance he should have left the classroom as he did but then explain to the teacher at an appropriate time at the end of the lesson. If it was me I would thank him and remove his detention.

RedHelenB · 22/06/2021 17:20

I'd take the don't do that again to be part of the winding up of the teacher. If he'd have said don't call women bitches or don't be rude then it would be different.

Gemma2019 · 22/06/2021 17:22

Yeah sorry but I don't believe that your DS said that to his friend for one second. He's been punished for being loud in class and made that bit up to make him sound noble and absolve himself of blame. Not surprised he doesn't want you to contact the school!

Ladylokidoki · 22/06/2021 17:25

Calling out misogyny when it's seen is everyone role, surely?

But did he?

The female teacher, told them to be quiet. He chose not to pay attention to that. He felt that he needed to ignore the teachers request to tell someone off. Maybe the teacher did not need him to.

If he wanted to call out the misogyny, he could have done that after class.

Completely ignoring the female teacher request, isn't calling it out. He also didn't say anything about it being misogynistic.

Not sure if I am explaining this well. But to me, it's not calling misogyny when you are completely ignoring the woman it's aimed at. And not all women want the nearest male to call this put publicly for them and would prefer to deal with it themselves.

Hallyup6 · 22/06/2021 17:27

I assume 'a bit chatty' means an absolute pain in the arse to teach because he never shuts up, and the teacher had had enough. They'd been told to be quiet and he wasn't, so was asked to leave the room, and was then even more disrespectful for answering back.

He might have been correct in what he said to his classmate, but it's up to the teacher to discipline them, not for the kids to act as though they're in charge.

He needs to learn how to be respectful.

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