To stop giving teen dd an allowance?

[bendmeoverbackwards]

My youngest dd is 14 and loves clothes like many girls her age.

She prefers to shop online. Up to about a year ago, she was choosing stuff to buy and I would pay with my credit card. She likes to buy different colours/sizes to choose from but most of it goes back so apart from a bit of an admin headache, it was fine with me.

Then we decided to give her a monthly allowance for clothes and other non essentials to teach her to budget. We started paying in £50/month straight into her account. On top of this we pay for her phone, school uniform, big items such as coats and essential shoes and underwear.

However she is not being sensible about it. She's buying a lot of clothes, jewellery etc, I don't think she's got anything left at the end of the month. Plus she's buying from places that don't do free returns even though I have advised her against this. Unwanted clothes sit in her room for weeks on end, getting very close to the cut off for returns.

Today I have noticed that she has bought something from the US which now needs international postage to return!

She has also transferred money from her savings account (different account) to buy yet more clothes! I was very cross about this and am making her pay it back.

So instead of this money teaching her responsibility, its not and she doesn't seem to have the maturity to handle money sensibly.

Do you think we should stop the allowance and she has to go back to coming to me when she wants to buy something?

i think the best of both worlds, give her the allowance, but tell her she needs to clear online purchases with you first.

as to having no money left at the end of the month, if she has more month than money, thats her own fault.

Surely the point of the allowance is that she spends it on what she wants (and not what you deem sensible)? That said, £50 is a lot to spend each month just on clothes - does she not have to use her allowance for socialising? Buying presents? If you're unhappy with her spending that amount of money on what you perceive as unnecessary, then reduce the amount you give her. But better she learns how to save/use money wisely now than when she has to pay out for her own living costs.

Yes good point. She doesn’t go out that much but when she does we’ve been giving her extra as she tells us food is essential!

she doesn't seem to have the maturity to handle money sensibly.

She's 14, what did you think would happen? She went from filtering purchases through you to having complete agency in online shopping & the money to do so. I'd go back to filtering purchases through you, using her card with the allowance so you can still monitor what and where she's buying from so she can learn how to do it properly with autonomy.

What would be a fair amount to give her?

@bloodyhell19 I naively thought she would be sensible. To be fair, my 2 older dds were and are very sensible. But I see now they are unusual 😂

She has to learn. £50 is perhaps too much though, just on clothes. I would leave her to it with regard to the return postage etc. She will soon learn if you don't bail her out. Or you could ask her to run online purchases by you - now shops are open she can go to the shop with friends which is probably a better way to spend money

My DD2 (15) is exactly the same. She gets £15 per week and hasn't managed to save a penny!
We've been very resolute that when it's gone it's gone, it's her money so her choices.

We do top up occasionally if she has a big outing planned but she knows now the score.
We didn't do this with her elder sister until she was 16 and feel as a result she's far more financially naive. We did it on a by need basis for her so were constantly handing her money for clothes, food and all the rest. It certainly amounted to more than £15 a week !!
Also I love to see the panic in DD2 face when I remind her that it's Father's Day/ my birthday/fathers birthday/sisters birthday.
It's then I see her spending regret when the penny drops that she's going to have to save not spend for a few weeks.
It's a great lesson to teach them

Yes good point. She doesn’t go out that much but when she does we’ve been giving her extra as she tells us food is essential!

This is where you are going wrong! She basically has access to unlimited money so can waste as much as she wants as you will give her more. Tell her the £50 is it and she will hopefully realise she needs to keep some aside for non clothes spending

Thank you, so maybe I keep it at £50/month but to include going out and presents?

I also offer to take DD2 shopping but if I'm paying I get a say on what she buys. Needless to say we haven't been clothes shopping for years

With my teens we started with £15 a month that was just "discretionary" spending and if they wanted to (say) go to the cinema or McDonalds they got money specifically for that. They also got money for buying presents for friends for their birthdays (family birthdays expected to come out of the allowance). DS in particular blew it all on absolute rubbish within about 3 days to start with. But they have learnt. They now get £40 a month that also includes socialising and presents. We just pay for their phone, school stuff, toiletries and clothes "essentials" (that they can top up to more expensive versions if they want something more expensive than we are prepared to pay). DS still spends all his on a month by month basis but he is a little more careful about how he spends it - for example seeking out voucher and certainly being careful about things like internet shopping postage! To be fair, most of his now goes on socialising rather than "stuff". DD is a saver and has been known to put things back that she liked on the basis that she'll buy it if she still wants it later. The fact that they have such different attitudes suggests that personality must pay at least some part in the save/spend mentality. £50 is a lot to be let loose with if your DD has never really had any money of her own - no wonder she's behaving like a kid in a sweet shop!

She hates shopping in shops. She’s ASD and finds it too overwhelming.

@SnackSizeRaisin

Yes good point. She doesn’t go out that much but when she does we’ve been giving her extra as she tells us food is essential!

This is where you are going wrong! She basically has access to unlimited money so can waste as much as she wants as you will give her more. Tell her the £50 is it and she will hopefully realise she needs to keep some aside for non clothes spending

Thank you. Do you think I should insist she pays back her savings that she dipped into? She took out £100, I said she should put back £50. Reasonable?

My 16 year old has £50 a month and that’s just for socialising and the odd lunch whilst out and about doing his sport,
Clothes he has expensive taste think £240 trainers and expensive tracksuits these he gets at Christmas or birthdays and he has £200 twice a year to buy basics for college

I do understand girls are more into fashion but there are so many cheaper alternatives
I would say go back to filtering her purchases so she’s not wasting money but give her a smaller amount for socialising

I may have to change the way we do things for DD 11 than the way we do things for DS

If you're going to include "socialising" in the allowance, it does depend a bit on the friendship group and what's the norm. If they are the sort of group that go to Costa every day after school then you probably need more than if their socialising is limited to weekends and might just be going for a cycle ride and buying a drink at the end.

Thank you. Do you think I should insist she pays back her savings that she dipped into? She took out £100, I said she should put back £50. Reasonable?

They are either her savings and she spends the money on what she wants, or they are destined for some higher purpose (university? house deposit?) and you need some rules around them and ideally for her not to have access if she's going to spend them!

Some DC are just born wise and some learn by making enormous mistakes. The bit where she runs out of cash and there are consequences IS the learning experience for her maybe? Better now than at Uni or in her first flat.

@RickiTarr

Some DC are just born wise and some learn by making enormous mistakes. The bit where she runs out of cash and there are consequences IS the learning experience for her maybe? Better now than at Uni or in her first flat.

This. I’d remove access to the savings account but the only way to learn to manage money is by making mistakes.

Plus she's buying from places that don't do free returns even though I have advised her against this. Unwanted clothes sit in her room for weeks on end, getting very close to the cut off for returns.

Today I have noticed that she has bought something from the US which now needs international postage to return!

I don't see the problem with this? Or, to put it another way, it's her problem. Too late to return something? Having to pay international postage? That simply means less money left for buying clothes that she does want.

As a teen I got about 70/month to spend on clothes, so quite a lot, but that also had to include coats, shoes, etc. I learned quickly enough that I had to save some of it or I wouldn't be able to afford a new winter coat come winter.

I would make it clear that £50 needs to cover all her own socialising and fun expenses, clothes and presents, and don't give her a penny more when she runs out.

How much does she have in savings? If it's a lot then maybe stop access to it.

Leave her to come to you if she needs help with returns. If she misses the deadline, then that will (hopefully) be a lesson learned.

She's not going to learn to value money if you keep bailing her out.

Would you really expect her to have anything left at the end of the month? I would just stay out if it but remove access to her savings if you don’t want her to dig into it. Don’t pay for anything that she should use her allowance for. She’ll soon learn!

Why does she need an allowance at 14? I don’t think it teaches financial responsibility as it’s just free money! Maybe suggest she ‘earns’ her allowance in some way if that’s what you want to do. She many appreciate it more.
I never had an allowance and I am brilliant with money. I had a job babysitting at 14 then always worked from there on. My mum occasionally gave me extra money if I was going out with friends, etc. No way would she have given me £50 a month to waste on clothes.

You've waited really late to start teaching her this. Of course she messed up. She's never had to be responsible for it. You did it all for her.

You cant just hand if off to her. You need to TEACH her.

My kids are 8 and 9. They have their gohenry cards. They get £12.50 a week.£3 pocket money and the rest earned through chores. Once a chore becomes part of their standard routine, they dont get paid for that one anymore. So they got 20p a day for making their beds and 50p for cleaning up all their toys before bed a year ago. Now making their beds and putting toys away isnt paid; it's just part of their routine. To make up for that money, I added in cleaning the bathroom and making dinner once a week each. So it builds up like that.

They know how much they'll end up with each week. They also know which family birthdays are coming up so they must keep money to get a card and a wee box of sweets or something. They know if we're going for a big day out and they might want extra money for stuff on the day. Whatever.

They are learning how much toys cost, so a lego set cant be paid for with 1 week of money. They need to save for 3 or 4 weeks.

Once they reach £100 moved into their savings, I give them an extra £25 as a reward.

They're learning to save, to budget for upcoming events, and also to treat themselves when they want.

You need to find a way to teach the same things to a 14 year old. I imagine that will be harder because they will feel like you are treating them like a small child if you go step by step.

This is all really helpful, thank you.

You'd have thought with 3 teens I would know what I am doing by now! But older two were really very easy teens, we didn't have any of the usual teen arguments - money, going out, chores etc. I feel I am starting from scratch with dd3, she pushes the boundaries far more.

With the savings account, that was my stupid fault. I naively helped her set up online banking for her savings account without clarifying what she is using the money for. However I have now opened her a Junior Cash ISA, she will get 2.25% interest and can't touch it till she's 18.

I'll post her returns back while she's at school then take off the postage from next month. And then make very clear to her that the £50 covers everything!