To stop giving teen dd an allowance?

[bendmeoverbackwards]

My youngest dd is 14 and loves clothes like many girls her age.

She prefers to shop online. Up to about a year ago, she was choosing stuff to buy and I would pay with my credit card. She likes to buy different colours/sizes to choose from but most of it goes back so apart from a bit of an admin headache, it was fine with me.

Then we decided to give her a monthly allowance for clothes and other non essentials to teach her to budget. We started paying in £50/month straight into her account. On top of this we pay for her phone, school uniform, big items such as coats and essential shoes and underwear.

However she is not being sensible about it. She's buying a lot of clothes, jewellery etc, I don't think she's got anything left at the end of the month. Plus she's buying from places that don't do free returns even though I have advised her against this. Unwanted clothes sit in her room for weeks on end, getting very close to the cut off for returns.

Today I have noticed that she has bought something from the US which now needs international postage to return!

She has also transferred money from her savings account (different account) to buy yet more clothes! I was very cross about this and am making her pay it back.

So instead of this money teaching her responsibility, its not and she doesn't seem to have the maturity to handle money sensibly.

Do you think we should stop the allowance and she has to go back to coming to me when she wants to buy something?

On the question of chores. We never linked allowance to chores. There is the philosophy that children must “earn” money so they appreciate it more and understand you have to work to get money. But this is a very elementary lesson can be learned through demonstration rather than assigning prices to chores. The opposite philosophy, which I agree with, is that everyone in a household is responsible for doing chores because there is always work which must be done and is unpaid. Children growing up paid to wash dishes, or clean rooms, or cook start to think they deserve a reward or money for doing this work and refuse to do it as adults because where’s the rewards because in real life this is the unpaid work everyone in a household shares because you live together.

So yes my DC had chores they had to do, but it was never linked to the allowance. For us the purpose of an allowance was to give them some money and responsibility so they could learn how to manage money. So OP, you’ve done well. You gave her £50/mo for clothes and she spends £50/mo on clothes. I see that as a success. If you want to change the purposes for this allowance, adjust how you pay it or amounts, that is ok. But you need to be clearer in your guidance as to what the money is for with an ASD child as mine at least was extremely literal.

My dd gets £40 per month and out of that she has to budget for food for her lizard (she wanted it, she bought it, she looks after it) but aside from that she does what she likes with her money. She has no way of getting into debt and when it's gone, it's gone. She does not have access to her savings account though and if she wishes to make a withdrawal from that account she has to put it in writing and there is a 28day "consideration period" so she cannot just spend it on pringles.

@Librariesmakeshhhhappen

Many children do things at 8 or 9 that they stop doing as teens. So "teaching them how to budget" now is perfectly admirable but won't necessarily stand them in good stead when they are older.

Either your definition of dinner or definition of unaided is different to mine. My DD could manage spag bol and macaroni cheese at 8/9 but she needed help with lifting pans and turning on the hob and I wouldn't have left her to do it by herself.

My kids get their allowance and it's up to them how they spend it. Their online purchases are from places like ASOS (free returns) Luckily for them I work near a place where I can return their packages but they have to repackage, send me the QR Code etc As it's their money they are more likely to return things iyswim
They pay for unlimited delivery from a favourite shop (eg dd has Missguided) and they know to search for codes or sometimes wait before buying as some sites (like ASOS) regularly do 20% off codes if you wait.
My kids started saving when they got part-time jobs in Sixth Form. Dd currently saves 2/3 and spends 1/3 She works within walking distance of home so no commuting costs.
At 14 I would expect her to set aside money for birthdays, Xmas etc My kids have a calendar with things like Fathers Day marked and are expected to buy stuff out of their allowance. They walk past a Card Factory on the way back from school so there's no excuse not to at least organise that.

I would prevent access to her savings and let her spend her whole allowance. If she has a bank app then set a direct debit to go from her allowance to savings. So say she gets her allowance on the 1st. She'd see £50 come in from you but £10 go to her savings iyswim It's a good habit for later when she has a job

@UserAtRandom

Well research shows that the earlier you start teaching them to save, budget and spend, the better they will be at it. So I'll go with the research over the opinions of ransoms on mumsnet.

I'm not an idiot. I sit at the kitchen table. But things like baked basa, or stuffed mushrooms or peppers, chicken curry etc. Any slow cooker dish because they just chuck it all in before they go to school. That's all hands off. Anything where they just cant lift the pot or get a tray out the oven, I do the physical lifting.

Meals they havent learned, I obviously assist so that they can learn them with me.

You need to stop giving her extra for going out imo. That should be coming out of her allowance and if she doesn't have the money then she needs to decline invites or order what she can afford even if it's just chips or a drink. Does she take note of the cost of things? It's helpful to know stuff like a milkshake at McDonalds costs less than a blended drink at Costa etc

I think you should give her a weekly amount instead of a monthly. 50 quid is a lot to just land in your account on one day. Break it up and let her get the hang of saving then try monthly again. She needs to fail to learn, but it needs to be doable.

@TotorosCatBus

You need to stop giving her extra for going out imo. That should be coming out of her allowance and if she doesn't have the money then she needs to decline invites or order what she can afford even if it's just chips or a drink. Does she take note of the cost of things? It's helpful to know stuff like a milkshake at McDonalds costs less than a blended drink at Costa etc

The OP gave her the money "for clothes" though. That was what was explained and agreed. It was for clothes. So the girl asked for more for going out.

That was a mistake, in my opinion. And if the OP has decided it now needs to cover all expenses, then they need to sit down and have a proper talk about that because she is now changing the rules.

I don't think £50 is excessive if it's all of her clothes excluding school uniform and coats. 14 year olds are in adult sized clothes and £50 trainers are hardly extravagant.
I think that not having any money left is a good lesson to learn before she has a job and unexpected adult events like car issues which needs to be sorted so that she can work.

the food is essential argument is easy 'we have food at home!' this is what i tell mine, a sandwich or whatever is on offer for lunch that day is available, if she wants to go but McDonalds or whatever that is a luxury i'm not paying for that when i have already purchased food for the week. if its a meal out with friends i will give extra money though.

Not read the whole thread but natural consequences should apply here! If she's late returning or has to pay fees, and has less money next month then that's how she'll learn to budget. If she gets asked out with friends but can't go because she's spent it all on clothes, then that's natural consequence and will stick in her mind for the next purchase.

Some lessons have to be realised the hard way. I find this way of parenting easier( for some circumstances) I don't really have to get involved and just let them find out the hard way!

God, my partner has been giving his daughter (12) £50 a WEEK! It was supposed to be maintenance paid to her mother but the mum has decided she can just spend it however she likes, she goes shopping every weekend now. Clothes, makeup, nails done etc. We’ve tried to say to her to start putting some away for bigger purchases (she’s obsessed with handbags) but she’s 12, she doesn’t get it. And her mother isn’t reinforcing it. I think he should be cutting it down (if the mum isn’t using it for its intended maintenance purpose) and putting most of it into a bank account for her but he doesn’t want to rock the boat now that a precedent has been set.

I think you should advise her that she should save a percentage of it and she’s able to spend the rest as she sees fit but keep in mind birthdays, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day etc. My partners daughter has at least bought him a present this year with her own (his) money. Small victories.

My just 15 year old gets 50 a month. She has to pay for her own returns, so she knows to buy from places with free returns. I do post stuff she sells on depop for her as I'm happy to help her make money. She has some savings but no access until 18. I'm pretty sure she doesn't save any of her allowance and that doesn't bother me at all.

Let her spend it. Better she gets the idea into her head that money does actually run out now when she can't get credit than be bailed out constantly and then discover the wonderful world of credit.

Maybe a monthly allowance is a bit much for first time pocket-money. My parents gave me a weekly one to start off with and it wasn't for clothes, it was just a bit of money for things I would normally beg my parents for. It was also very little so for most of the things I wanted to buy I had to save and I learned quickly that it took a long time if I spent it on little bits of rubbish I didn't really need. It was initially to teach me the value of money and how far it would stretch.

I think you made the right call with regards to her saving. It will be good for her to have for once she goes to college.

I second what other posters said about not bailing her out. She is in a perfect position to learn that her actions and spending habits have consequences.

Just to clarify, she IS paying for her returns if not free. I am happy to drop at Post Office if I'm out and lay out the cost, I just deduct it from her next month's money.

This is all food for thought, thank you so much. I do realise I've made mistakes by not setting firm boundaries and letting her spend it all on clothes. But I'm going to try and put this right.

And you are right about letting her make mistakes. I've also made mistakes online shopping and been left with a huge return delivery free, I've also bought something that turned out to be fake. It happens even to adults.

Thank you again for your input.

I will also be encouraging her to sort out her own returns. Maybe not right now, one thing at a time. She gets overwhelmed with too much new information at once.

My dd spends all hers on clothes. What's wrong with that?

It takes time and practice to budget but I believe that having an allowance rewards your child with skills.

My DS used to spend it all, then savings. I thought he would never get the hang of it. But he did and spends as little as possible.

I would maybe take any significant savings off her so she doesn't go through it.

A monthly allowance is just that, so the £50 should include all her socialising too. You can buy her a nice coat etc. for Christmas or her birthday unless it's something needed for school.

So, depending on events to go to, she has to budget as to whether she can afford clothes that month. If she gets to the 28th of the month and something big comes up but she has no money left then she will soon realise that she has to put some money by for emergency spends and not buy a lot of clothes at the beginning of the month. She could also get a p/t job babysitting or something if she wants to be a big spender. Teenagers want to grow up quickly and take charge of their life so lessons have to be learnt about what it's like to be a grown up!!!

Just give her £50 and no top ups for socialising. If she spends all her money then that’s up to her. This is how she learns she’s only 14 this is how she learns you can’t expect her to have it all figured out budget wise by 14. Let her make her mistakes. She’ll hopefully learn soon enough.

She's not going to like going back to having to run everything past you when she's got used to having her own money to spend as she wishes. Nor is she going to like you moving the goalposts so that out of it she has to pay for additional things that you've been paying for, eg food, presents, socialising.

As a one off, and as a bargaining chip, I would replace the £100 myself (if I could afford to) in the ISA, leave the allowance in place but then set out the new rules for the £50, so that you've given as well as taken.