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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not put DC in nursery just because DH wants to

71 replies

IncyWincyFuckingTiredMum · 21/06/2021 10:01

I'll try to keep it as brief as possible.

On maternity leave at the moment with 4 month old DS.

DH is self employed. I have always worked part time in my own job but have on top of this always done the admin for DHs business. I have continued to do this whilst on maternity, even days after birth I was back to doing what I was before for the business as best I could.

Obviously with a baby it's now impossible to work to a set schedule all of the time and I am trying to do what I can when I can around him. DH is having to take on a little more than he did before of this side of things but it's not a huge amount, I am getting through it just albeit a little slower.

DH keeps saying we should put DS in nursery now whilst I'm on maternity for a couple of days a week so I can focus on the business work those days and things will be more organised.

I really don't want to do this. DS is so little and I don't feel comfortable with it. Also selfishly I feel like this is my maternity leave, the only one I'll ever have because he doesn't want more children and so I don't want to give up precious time.

AIBU to say that we'll need to stick to the original plan which is DS going to nursery nearer the end of this year? This is what we agreed when I was pregnant and he's already signed up for then.

OP posts:

Ellpellwood · 21/06/2021 11:50

I'd have to respond "aggressively" myself I'm afraid. Similar to the poster who said she told him the answer was no and stop pushing it. Especially as he says he'll hire someone and is obviously holding off.

Fifthtimelucky · 21/06/2021 12:23

@UserAtRandom

Leaving 4 month old babies in nursery used to be quite normal in days before maternity leave. The baby won't come to any harm.

I think it would be helpful to stop thinking of the work as for your husband, and treating it like you would any other job. Your husband is right that it's not appropriate to look after a 4 month old and work at the same time. That doesn't mean they have to go into nursery -as others have said, if you want to have longer maternity leave, it simply means DH needs to pay someone to cover your work.

Quite. When I had my first, I had 14 weeks paid maternity leave. I was able to extend my maternity leave with annual leave, but even so I had to go back to work when my baby was 5 months. Returning at 3 months was very common.

I'm absolutely not suggesting that the OP should put her child in nursery if she doesn't want to, and I'm very pleased that maternity rights have improved since I had my children, but all these '4 months is far too young' replies are ridiculous.

adjsavedmylife · 21/06/2021 12:26

Slightly off topic here but... if your full time job earns more or may eventually earn more than an admin role you could consider permanent admin help. It might feel more ‘worth it’ to DH as training someone permanent rather than cover.

If you’re going to be working full time ish between the two roles anyway, might it be better for your long term earning power and career to focus on the one thing?

LittleGwyneth · 21/06/2021 14:53

Would paying for nursery actually be any cheaper than hiring a temp to cover some of your work so that you can look after the baby?

Blackhawkdown2020 · 21/06/2021 15:28

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

motogogo · 21/06/2021 15:33

I would suggest seeing if you can find a local student/older teen who could come 2-3 days a week for a few hours, you'll be in the house just in case but they can play with your baby and feed them etc

SquashMinusIsShit · 21/06/2021 15:45

@adjsavedmylife

If you’re going to be working full time ish between the two roles anyway, might it be better for your long term earning power and career to focus on the one thing?

This is very good advice, working for your DH might be better for him but detrimental to you long term re: pension, career progression etc

thenewduchessofhastings · 21/06/2021 15:48

You have a full time job to return to and a child.You shouldn't be working for free for your DH as well.It might have worked previously but your and your DH now have another major responsibility;being parents.

Out of interest;when you go back to work;is he going to paying 50/50 for childcare and doing 50/50 of the parenting/housework/cooking etc?Or does hide at work and expect you to do that for him?

JadedStrumpet · 21/06/2021 15:50

He's four months old. Tell your husband to do one. If he doesn't agree I would would be seriously reconsidering the relationship.

Dozycuntlaters · 21/06/2021 15:53

*4 months is far too young if you are not ready.

(and frankly, it's far too young full stop. I never understand the parents who dump the kids so early, why bother having them at all, unless you genuinely desperately need the money to buy food)*

That's a bit judgy, it's not too young full stop at all, just because it's not something you would personally do, it's not wrong for someone else to do it. I went back to work when DS was about the same age. I have a good job, one that doesn't come around locally really and I knew it I let the job go I would never get one like it again. Which was the best decision because my marriage broke down when DS was 11 and I am not supporting him on my own.

OP, if it's not for you then stick to your guns on this one. Your DH needs to give his head a wobble and realise what an arse he is being.

quizqueen · 21/06/2021 16:08

Women should never agree to do business stuff for their partner for free. I presume HE doesn't work for free for the business! Down the line things could become difficult, should you ever separate, as you won't be able to prove that you've helped the business grow.

billy1966 · 21/06/2021 16:13

@quizqueen

Couldn't agree with you more.

Very silly move to imagine anyone places value on something they get for free.

He doesn't care if his child is in a creche at 4 months as long as he gets his free administration.

What a prince..not🙄

Thevoiceofreason2021 · 21/06/2021 16:14

Get a temp. It’s probably not much more expensive than nursery! There are loads of people looking for work. Have you found a nursery? Do they have space for a 4 month old? Alternatively you could get a nanny/ mother’s help ? So you can keep an eye on you LO at home. I sent mine to nursery at 1 year old , she loves it and there are loads of positives - but she did pick up colds, flue, tonsillitis, Roseola etc small children have very immature immune systems - they pick up everything at Nursery!

DulseSeaweed · 21/06/2021 16:16

Could you not just hire an admin? Will be more expensive than nursery but not that much. Then you get your maternity leave, he gets stuff done and hopefully sees the value of all your free labour once it's not free anymore.

WeAllHaveWings · 21/06/2021 16:21

If you are needed to help with the business (assuming he cant hire someone to help) I would look at outsourcing other things to free up your time before putting such a young baby in nursery, but only if this is what you want too.

Regular cleaner, laundry/ironing, shopping deliveries, posh ready made/cook yourself meals, maybe even someone who can pop in for a couple of hours 2-3 times a week to mind your baby in your own home or take them for a walk at nap time while you crack on with some of the admin. I'd rather do some light admin that the drudge work around the house. Make sure he does his part of the leg work in the organising of these services and still does his bit in the evenings.

Somethingsnappy · 21/06/2021 16:57

@Fifthtimelucky. Those replies are absolutely not ridiculous. At 4 months old, a baby is still in the early and very important attachment forming stage, which plays an important role in brain development. Long periods away from their primary carer really isn't ideal.

Fifthtimelucky · 21/06/2021 17:11

Well I would agree that long periods away from the primary carer are not ideal but I don't agree that putting a 4 month old old in nursery would be 'extremely distressing' for the baby. I think I was far more distressed about my baby being at nursery than she was.

It is possible that I am just making myself feel better about the decisions I made over 20 years ago of course, but even though it was so long ago it is upsetting to hear people suggesting that I did something that was distressing/damaging to my baby, especially when in those days there was little choice.

Somethingsnappy · 21/06/2021 17:26

@Fifthtimelucky. I understand, but try not to take it to heart. When choices are out of our hands (as yours were), we just have to make the best decisions we can. We are all doing the best thing we can for our children and not always in ideal or 'best practise' circumstances. Baby care is always an emotive topic. And yes, it is very probably more distressing for the parent, as you describe. The OP should definitely stick to her guns.

Fifthtimelucky · 21/06/2021 17:46

No. I had a choice, but it was a choice where none of the options was ideal!

Anyway, that's ancient history. I agree that the OP should stick to her guns!

Somethingsnappy · 21/06/2021 17:57

@Fifthtimelucky I suppose that's a good example of the difference between 'choice' and 'decision', if you see what I mean. It doesn't really feel like a choice when none of the outcomes feel ideal.

lockef · 22/06/2021 02:19

He sounds like a lazy git, why can't he step up and do the admin himself or hire someone to cover you?
It's really sad he doesn't see your young baby and realise that they are more important to nurture than his bloody books!

I really think he should be paying you for your work when you do return to working for him.
I can't see him being a fair person in a divorce seeing as he doesn't value your contribution to creating and looking after his child only 4 months in!
In fact I would make sure you position yourself ready for divorce in case it comes and you want out by going back to your old job FT after ML.

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