To not put DC in nursery just because DH wants to

[IncyWincyFuckingTiredMum]

I'll try to keep it as brief as possible.

On maternity leave at the moment with 4 month old DS.

DH is self employed. I have always worked part time in my own job but have on top of this always done the admin for DHs business. I have continued to do this whilst on maternity, even days after birth I was back to doing what I was before for the business as best I could.

Obviously with a baby it's now impossible to work to a set schedule all of the time and I am trying to do what I can when I can around him. DH is having to take on a little more than he did before of this side of things but it's not a huge amount, I am getting through it just albeit a little slower.

DH keeps saying we should put DS in nursery now whilst I'm on maternity for a couple of days a week so I can focus on the business work those days and things will be more organised.

I really don't want to do this. DS is so little and I don't feel comfortable with it. Also selfishly I feel like this is my maternity leave, the only one I'll ever have because he doesn't want more children and so I don't want to give up precious time.

AIBU to say that we'll need to stick to the original plan which is DS going to nursery nearer the end of this year? This is what we agreed when I was pregnant and he's already signed up for then.

Absolutely not a chance.

If you are proposing to return to work full time then I would suggest that he finds someone else to do his admin work or takes it all on himself.

no i wouldnt be putting baby in nursery sooner than had been agreed , they grow so quickly , you will be losing precious time . your husband is just going to have to suck it up for a few more months

@AutoGroup What’s to say they’re all dependent on the business? OP is on maternity leave from her full-time job. You don’t know who the higher earner is, even when the reduced rates of mat pay kick in.

What is your plan for when you return to work full time? Because even if you managed to work full time and have a second part time job (dh's admin) on top plus normal household stuff then, you're going to struggle to be working 1.5 jobs and caring for a baby when you go back to your normal work, baby in nursery for a few days or not! You'll be knackered trying to do all that. I think your DH needs to start thinking now about either hiring a permanent admin person, or putting you on the books as a formal employee and reducing/quitting your main job.

I would stick to your guns and tell DH there's a reason very young babies of that age aren't normally in nursery in this country.

Oh dear, you need to stay firm. You are on maternity leave, he should be grateful for you helping out (let me guess you don't get a salary for doing so) not trying to wrench the ML from you.

My eldest went to nursery from nearly 5 months (youngest at 8 months) and was fine BUT I will say that even though nurseries say they take babies from 3 months, this is actually quite unusual and in my experience they aren't set up to cater for such young babies. They get a bit "passed from pillar to post" as they end up having to fit in with routines for older babies and toddlers. It is not ideal. He was always overtired and crotchety by the time I picked him up for the first couple of months - he needed 2-3 naps but usually only got one. My youngest who went at 8 months I was much happier about (it was also just before separation anxiety stage kicks in so she never properly "missed" me). In an ideal world I would have sent my eldest at 7-8 months too but we desperately needed the money at the time.

@AutoGroup

Presumably the business they're all dependent on currently? I agree he (they) needs to find another way to manage this but that's a ridiculous over reaction.

Oh, you know what - you're absolutely right. A ridiculous over reaction. Clearly the nine month wait for baby to arrive and the 4 months since the baby was born was not adequate time for OP's husband to get his shit together, collate an independent thought and maybe consider he'd need temp cover and that his wife - who has done the carrying and delivering and caring - might be otherwise occupied.

Pull the other one mate.

This reminds me of when DS was a baby and DH came to know that you can put them in nursery from a couple of months old. Brilliant, he said, why don't we do that then?! Because it's £40 a day, I replied. He genuinely thought it would be free. Idiot.

Hahaha. No.

Get in a temp to do a bit of admin and take away the more basic stuff IF you want to continue helping him

Thanks all, you've reassured me! I am so uncomfortable at the thought of putting DS in nursery at this age. It's just not right for us personally. DH doesn't see him all day, I think he just doesn't 'get' how little and dependant he still is.

So when I was working full time he didn't pay me no but to be fair he did offer, I at the time preferred the money to stay in the business as I didn't need it and the business was in its infancy.

As I've been on maternity and needed some extra help from him financially to cover bills and the like, he has been giving me some money. Whether this is technically for the work I do or just a husband covering more of the bills whilst his wife is on maternity though 🤷

I have said to him before if he isn't happy with what I manage to get done be can hire someone. He says he will but nothing happens and we just slip back into this routine.

The plan for returning to work was part time work at my job and part time through the business.

4 months is far too young if you are not ready.

(and frankly, it's far too young full stop. I never understand the parents who dump the kids so early, why bother having them at all, unless you genuinely desperately need the money to buy food).

I think you were both naive to think you could continue the business admin whilst looking after a newborn. Good to hear you’re going back to your old job part time as a full time job, plus DH’s admin and the baby would be too much. I would suggest to him that he gets a temp until you’re back from maternity. I wouldn’t send a 4MO to nursery unless it was out of desperation and you had no other option. In the U.K. I’d be surprised if you could even find one to take a baby that young. I’ve never heard of anyone outside the states send a baby younger than 6 months to daycare and even most of my American friends prefer nannies for the first year.

Good god no. Cannot comprehend why anyone would send such a young baby to nursery unless they literally have no other choice but starve. And from looking round nurseries trying to find one for my dd, tiny babies like that were nearly always just abandoned in a corner in a bouncer

Leaving 4 month old babies in nursery used to be quite normal in days before maternity leave. The baby won't come to any harm.

I think it would be helpful to stop thinking of the work as for your husband, and treating it like you would any other job. Your husband is right that it's not appropriate to look after a 4 month old and work at the same time. That doesn't mean they have to go into nursery -as others have said, if you want to have longer maternity leave, it simply means DH needs to pay someone to cover your work.

... before maternity leave was extended ...

So, it turns out they are all dependent on the business

Of course the baby shouldn't be in nursery, but presumably OP had originally agreed to continue this work, believing (as we all do before baby arrives) that she'd have plenty of time. It's completely fine and good that she's changed her mind on that but there's no need for such aggressive responses to a man who's just trying keep his business going so he can support his family.

Of course though, as I said, another solution needs to be found, which they should be able to discuss.

It's maternity leave. Not 'help your husband out' leave.

Is he paying you for the time you spend 'helping' him?

I'm guessing not.

Tell him to be professional and hire someone.

presumably OP had originally agreed to continue this work

I made it extremely clear to him that I would do what I could and that I would need a lot more help from him until DS was in nursery which we agreed together would be no earlier than 8 months. I'd have preferred it to be longer but we came to that compromise. It is not a shock to him that I'm unable to do what I used to (or it shouldn't be at least) as I told him things would be difficult.

Wow. Just saw your update.

DH doesn't see him all day, I think he just doesn't 'get' how little and dependant he still is.

He doesn't understand babies?

to be fair he did offer, I at the time preferred the money to stay in the business

Sorry, but that one's on you.

He says he will but nothing happens

Time for a serious chat with him about work/life/parental boundaries. Also leave DC with him for a day. That might help him understand what's involved in looking after a baby.

Topwings .The Nursery I worked for took babies of 2 months. Another one nearby "Babies from Newborn" I kid you not!Most from 3 months standard I think .OP should stick to her guns though

If I was you I would think about letting your husband hire someone. Now that my kids are in school I love that my part time job is separate from home. It allows me to separate my responsibilities. If I worked from home for a family business I think I could get stressed trying to be mummy and keep on house jobs and also be working.

It might be different for you but it sounds like DH is already taking advantage, pressuring you to put your very young baby in nursery and not respecting your maternity leave. Working for your DH makes it difficult to draw professional boundaries.

[quote bloodyhell19]@AutoGroup

Presumably the business they're all dependent on currently? I agree he (they) needs to find another way to manage this but that's a ridiculous over reaction.

Oh, you know what - you're absolutely right. A ridiculous over reaction. Clearly the nine month wait for baby to arrive and the 4 months since the baby was born was not adequate time for OP's husband to get his shit together, collate an independent thought and maybe consider he'd need temp cover and that his wife - who has done the carrying and delivering and caring - might be otherwise occupied.

Pull the other one mate.[/quote]
Too right.

OP is on mat leave from her FULL TIME job.

He only wants one child and he's fxxking up your Mat Leave with his demands.

He sounds like a selfish prick OP.

4 months and he wants your baby dumped in a creche.

I would be apoplectic at him and his suggestion.

You sound stressed and hassled by him.

Have you family and friends to support you?

Because he sounds like a right piece of work.
Protect yourself.

And you are having to ASK him for money, having worked fulltime unpaid before?

Have you not access to ALL the accounts and money?

OP, keep your FT job.

You are very vulnerable and if you were my daughter I would be concerned about you.

Why are you ASKING for money????

The only unreasonable bit in this set up is you working straight after birth getting yourself stressed. It’s your time to concentrate on the baby. Employ a temp for admin work.

@AutoGroup

So, it turns out they are all dependent on the business

Of course the baby shouldn't be in nursery, but presumably OP had originally agreed to continue this work, believing (as we all do before baby arrives) that she'd have plenty of time. It's completely fine and good that she's changed her mind on that but there's no need for such aggressive responses to a man who's just trying keep his business going so he can support his family.

Of course though, as I said, another solution needs to be found, which they should be able to discuss.

Oh don't be afraid - @ me if you're going to reply to me.

1. it's his business, why is it on OP to come up with the agreement? She has enough on her plate and if he wants someone to do X amount of work, it's up to him to find it.

2. Why is it an aggressive response? Are you DH? Surely he was aware that things would change after a baby, regardless of what his DW did or didn't agree to. And by her update, OP was quite clear in the parameters of what she would be able to do. I'm not sure what her DH was expecting.

I am always BAFFLED by the MNers who are so quick to blame a wife for her husband's failings.