Double barrelled surname

[3LittleDucksQuack]

A friend has a dc with a double barrelled surname so
Child Name 1 name 2. Name (1 being her surname. Name 2 being her exh surname.)

The dc often writes it as name.. Then just the Initial of Name 1 and then name 2,
Eg Bobby R Turner rather than Bobby Robinson Turner. His dad also does the same. It's not hyphoned just down as 2 names.

My friend goes nuts over this, scribbles it out and writes Bobby Robinson Turner!

I can see why she finds it frustrating however I also think it's not thay big of a deal. She can't bear it looking like the dc has just the fathers surname now they've split up.

I couldn't get worked up over something like this my ds has his df surname. It's never massively bothered me that he doesn't have my name. We chose his df name as we were together at the time. And planned a life till things changed. That's who my son is.

Yanbu = it's silly to scribble it out and re write
Yabu = you'd prob do the same.

That's just strange, it's a surname and it's the first surname so it makes no sense to shorten. It makes it seem like a middle name. Id do the same but the fact the dad does it sounds suspicious

Yes she said he always has even when they were together but they split a few weeks ago and now she's just asked if it would 'anger' me.?

Robinson IS a middle name of Bobby Robinson Turner, in which case Bobby R. Turner, Bobby Turner, B. Turner and B.R. Turner are all correct. It is part of the surname of Bobby Robinson-Turner in which case only B. Robinson-Turner is correct and you wouldn't shorten a name such as Simon Atkinson to Simon Atki or Simon Inson.

@jcyclops

Robinson IS a middle name of Bobby Robinson Turner, in which case Bobby R. Turner, Bobby Turner, B. Turner and B.R. Turner are all correct. It is part of the surname of Bobby Robinson-Turner in which case only B. Robinson-Turner is correct and you wouldn't shorten a name such as Simon Atkinson to Simon Atki or Simon Inson.

No it isn’t. The surname has two parts. Just because they’re not hyphenated it doesn’t mean it’s a middle name.

My DCs (and I) have a DB name without a hyphen. First surname is mine, 2nd is XH’s (he changed his back to his own single name when we split but I couldn’t be arsed!)

FWIW informally one of mine uses the last (XH’s) name, the others use just the middle (my) name, but if they all chose his name I would feel put out by it. I DBed for a reason - and just because some women are ok losing their maiden name and giving their DCs their dad’s name, it isn’t odd that other women find their kids being called by the wrong name annoying.

My son has both our surnames. No hyphen. If someone miswrites it, he corrects them. It’s not hard.

Myself personally am OK as I said in op with my ds having his dad's name.
My other dcs have dh name too. Which when we married I then took the same name.

My dsc name is hyphoned and is known by the full name. We Would never dream of removing one name informally. It wouldn't cross dsc mind to change it either I don't think.

My friend just seems really hit up about it all with her dc. But it may be because the split in relationship is new? I don't know. As I said it was often shortened prior to the split. So maybe it seems more hurtful now.

My Daughter has the same, mine and exes surname but not double barrelled, we’ve completely dropped his and don’t use it at all, but then he is absent so a bit different, we use just mine on everything including school drs etc

If I was her, I would be livid. And would strongly feel that if the Ex wants to drop one half of the name, he can drop his own. Sharing at least part of your surname with your children is very important to a lot of women - it’s not just for men!

@3LittleDucksQuackStupid YABVU. It's stupid to put an initial. If I was Bear Peters-Mackintosh, and people addressed me/referred to me/wrote me down as Bear P Mackintosh, I'd correct them too, because it's bloody wrong.

I agree with her

My dc have double barrelled no hyphen but have dropped my ex name as he is absent. I knew from a very early age that my children would share my name. I despise the misogyny behind the patriarchal tradition which is thankfully dying out.

Just because you dont get her feelings about it doesn't make her wrong.

@jcyclops

Robinson IS a middle name of Bobby Robinson Turner, in which case Bobby R. Turner, Bobby Turner, B. Turner and B.R. Turner are all correct. It is part of the surname of Bobby Robinson-Turner in which case only B. Robinson-Turner is correct and you wouldn't shorten a name such as Simon Atkinson to Simon Atki or Simon Inson.

That’s the most thoroughly incorrect thing I’ve read here for a while.

How are you so completely oblivious to non hyphenated double barrelling?

Myself personally am OK as I said in op with my ds having his dad's name.

You’ve said that more than once OP, but your friend’s child was given the name the parents agreed on and now, post divorce, the dad is doing a creepy, manipulative thing of not using his correct, legal name and brainwashing the child to not use it either. That’s the issue. Not what your DC is called or what you think she could have called hers.

People have names and those are then their names unless they choose to change them themselves when they are old enough.

@jcyclops

Robinson IS a middle name of Bobby Robinson Turner, in which case Bobby R. Turner, Bobby Turner, B. Turner and B.R. Turner are all correct. It is part of the surname of Bobby Robinson-Turner in which case only B. Robinson-Turner is correct and you wouldn't shorten a name such as Simon Atkinson to Simon Atki or Simon Inson.

Um…no. That’s not right.

Do you think Helena Bonham Carter‘s middle name in Bonham?

I completely understand why your friend is annoyed.

Some of us do care that kid’s don’t just automatically have the father’s name.

Men sometimes use this as a tribal, patriarchal thing, as you friends ex is by erasing her name from their child’s surname.

She gave her child her surname because it mattered to her. What matters to you, for your kids, is irrelevant.

I see this as a massively controlling thing from her DH, and I can see why he’s now an ex. I think the “suggestion” to initial probably came from her ex to start with, it’s odd for the DC to have randomly started to do it.

I understand why she is annoyed, absolutely. It must feel like her ex is "writing her out", literally and figuratively. I bet he doesn't mind her doing all the drudge work though, funny that.

My kids have both surnames (I am still married but kept my own name always). Unfortunately this has resulted in rather a long surname, similar to Cunningham-Jones. It actually won't fit on some name labels I have ordered and I have used "Bobby C-Jones". One of my kids is now 16 and often drops the "Cunningham", mainly because he is too lazy to write out the full name. I don't mind this too much because I think he is old enough to decide how he wants to style his own name. However, if my husband had decided he was going to try and obliterate my surname I would have been livid!

I know peolpme with double barrelled surnames that do that. I think they just cba to write the whole thing out. I can see why it irks her but he probably doesnt mean anything by it.

I have a double barrelled name from birth, and I've kept it even after marriage. I'll correct anyone who doesn't use both names as I am not BloodyHell Name2, I'm BloodyHell Name1 Name2. This smacks of her ex H trying to erase her name from her son's name and that's wrong.

Of course you don't understand, because you were quite happy for your kids not to have your name at all, and to erase your own name altogether when you got married.

Obviously you're going to have a different perspective from those of us who consider our own names to be equally important as our partners'.

double barreling is just a weird, unsustainable, ego trip all round really. Could care less either way.

Children should have their mother's name*. I know a lot see double barrelling as a compromise but it really isn't. I don't know any children who have retained the double barrelled name past babyhood, despite knowing many families who intended to have double barrelled names. One of the names - almost exclusively the mothers' - will drop off before school.

*and women shouldn't lose their name on marriage!

@jcyclops

Robinson IS a middle name of Bobby Robinson Turner, in which case Bobby R. Turner, Bobby Turner, B. Turner and B.R. Turner are all correct. It is part of the surname of Bobby Robinson-Turner in which case only B. Robinson-Turner is correct and you wouldn't shorten a name such as Simon Atkinson to Simon Atki or Simon Inson.

I know what you’re trying to say and you are correct.

I think as the child gets older they should be able to decide for themselves but as the split is new they should use their full name.

@OllyBJolly my sons still use their double-barrelled surname, aged 21 and 18.

[quote merryhouse]@OllyBJolly my sons still use their double-barrelled surname, aged 21 and 18.[/quote]
Well, in my experience they are very rare.