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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does anyone else have a DH who's a useless Dad

31 replies

starsandacheesymoon · 20/06/2021 23:04

DH is hopeless, unhelpful, uninvolved, at work al the damn time. We struggle to parent together when he's about as he undermines me. I suppose I'm used to parenting pretty much solo. He mainly is on his phone watching stupid videos of sped up DIY or on BBC sport.

I get annoyed when he's home as it should be easier with two parents, but it isn't. I'm not sure the DC particularly love him. I mean I try to talk him up and we got him Father's Day stuff, but the man is so ungrateful and moody. I sort of resent having to insist the kids adore him on Father's Day.

AIBU to make so much effort, with getting the DC to make cards and sorting gifts when he's an arse? I don't believe in badmouthing to the kids, but I can see how it can happen when relationships spilt. Hell I have to bite my tough and we're still together.

OP posts:
Elmo311 · 21/06/2021 08:09

Bumping for you.
Have you spoken to him about all of this?

namechange30455 · 21/06/2021 08:14

It sounds like he'd do more with them if you split up with him. I'd probably do that tbh.

orangejuicer · 21/06/2021 08:15

It's still hard with two parents but your other half sounds useless sorry.

Unanananana · 21/06/2021 08:18

Its definately easier on you own when the DC dad is useless. Him not being around removes all the tension plus one less manchild to clear up after. I get a free night every other week which is more than I'd get if their dad still lived with us.

My two have dimishing interest in their dad but they don't suffer for it. He does though, and its all his own doing.

Mumdiva99 · 21/06/2021 08:21

You need to communicate with him. Talk to him. You must have loved this man as you had multiple kids together. Where has the love gone. Try to build on what was good.

Icecreamsoda99 · 21/06/2021 08:26

My dad was very physically and emotionally uninvolved. Left me and my sibling with 'daddy' issues. I got him a card and a gift yesterday, my sibling didn't acknowledge Father's day at all.

In all honesty I wouldn't big him up to your DCs, I spent a lot of my childhood thinking that I was the problem.

Does he show affection and interest in the kids at all? Have you spoken to him about this? If he has a high pressure job he obviously needs chill out time but he also needs to spend quality time with his children as well.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 21/06/2021 08:26

I had a dad like this... He was there... Or off on his many hobbies and spectacularly unengaged, with us, his kids and family.

He knew literally nothing about us

Hugely damaging

Original poster
starsandacheesymoon · 21/06/2021 09:54

Not really, doesn't show any interest. Seems to expect them to worship him and say I love you without putting in any effort. He really wanted a second child, and I suppose I hoped he'd finally step up, but hasn't happened even now when DC2 is past the baby stage. He certainly has had issue in his family, Mum & Dad, but not abuse. I his Dad was uninvolved too.

But we are older parents and both of us had the sort of parents that didn't play or do things with their kids. I don't know if it was due to the circumstances in the 1980s? But I remember aunts and uncles being different with their kids . However I manage to be a brine person.

When we met we had similar interests and he had an exciting career as did I. We both have more normal jobs now and I'm very part time.

OP posts:
Original poster
starsandacheesymoon · 21/06/2021 09:55

Oops typos you get the drift .. not sure what brine what meant to be ? brilliant ?

OP posts:
Toebean · 21/06/2021 09:57

What is tge point if him?

userchange8945 · 21/06/2021 10:02

DH wouldn't have been my DH for very long if that was the dad he turned out to be. You can't really separate out the roles of husband and dad, if he's failing as a dad he's failing the children and you, as he thinks it's acceptable to put all the burden on you, which is no relationship.

Original poster
starsandacheesymoon · 21/06/2021 10:04

@IamtheDevilsAvocado but what can I do? I get on fine with him, unless I bring up the kids and then he gets all defensive. I leave him and then I don't know will he see the kids? I stay is that as damaging or the same ? I suppose I wouldn't have to put up with his moodiness if I LTB, although he's not here much now so it's more the weekend. I suppose he's probably very tired, but he could try. He says I'm moody if I say anything about it Grin

OP posts:
pepsicolagirl · 21/06/2021 10:09

My OH can be good when he wants to be but most of the time he is a crap Father.
He works to pay the bills etc but my god do we know it, it is brought up anytime he cba to do something together.

I cannot afford to leave (I really can't, I have gone over this with a fine toothed comb many many times) so I stay but although I would never ever bad mouth him in front of our dc I also don't lie or make excuses for him.

If I plan family days out I will still invite him but will have actually made the plans for DC and I because he never ever says yes to coming along. My family know he will not attend family gatherings so, again, they are planned without him.

If he attempts to discipline our kids I step in. Not because I love control but because he resorts to name calling or bringing up past behaviour which I don't agree with so I step in and tell him to back off.

This sounds like I am being mean but I am honestly not, whenever he comes anywhere (on the rare occasion) something will happen to make it all about him or he will get into an awful road rage on the way so yeah, I would rather him just not be there.

He seems to forget that he is the parent and just blames everyone else if stuff around the house isn't done (for example) even though he will happily sit on his bum. I don't even mind the sitting on his bum - everyone needs a day off - but to do so and then get in a huff because nobody has done what are essentially adult chores is ridiculous to me.

Our 2 oldest are 15 and 20 and they have both said that once they leave home they don't want anything to do with him. I have told them they don't have to.

I know my marriage is done but until I have money in the bank I am stuck.

khakiandcoral · 21/06/2021 10:16

How old are the kids?

Are you taking the kids out together and spending days away? Does he enjoy spending time with the kids?

He needs to step up. Even when you work full time, you no longer have weekends off, they are time to spend with kids.

Original poster
starsandacheesymoon · 21/06/2021 10:19

@pepsicolagirl your situation sounds very similar. I know I will decrease my standard of living if we spilt and have less time
with my kids. We struggle now with the cost of the mortgage, only a small amount of equity on a very normal 3 bed house. Was your 'D'H always like this even when the kids were younger ? It's interesting they see it it so clearly.

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Original poster
starsandacheesymoon · 21/06/2021 10:25

@khakiandcoral 2 & 5 ( reception at school) We so go places together such to visit family BBQ/ walks, but he is mainly on his phone, looking annoyed/ leaning on a tree not being involved. He's the same with mine or his family. We don't really have big days out or trips away as we can't afford that. I tend to a few day trips in the holidays with the kids, I ask him to take time off, but I'm usually quite glad when he says no and whilst it's hard work it's cheaper with one adult ticket. I cover all the school holiday care as I work from home.

OP posts:
khakiandcoral · 21/06/2021 10:28

but he is mainly on his phone, looking annoyed/ leaning on a tree not being involved.

he sounds charming.

You need to have a frank discussion with him, but if he's then putting the blame on you, he really is being a prat.

You can't force him to enjoy spending time with his children (or with other people), but is that the life you want for you?

pepsicolagirl · 21/06/2021 10:33

[quote starsandacheesymoon]@pepsicolagirl your situation sounds very similar. I know I will decrease my standard of living if we spilt and have less time
with my kids. We struggle now with the cost of the mortgage, only a small amount of equity on a very normal 3 bed house. Was your 'D'H always like this even when the kids were younger ? It's interesting they see it it so clearly. [/quote]
Yes it does sound similar x

He has always been a little off but mainly I think it is my response to it that has changed over the years. Previously I would have made excuses for him or want to have him involved and wanted the lovely family day out but as time wore on I realised that it was a fairytale and I prefer it on my own with the kids.

Guess I will just have to keep buying lottery tickets Wink

mrsmoppp · 21/06/2021 10:43

@pepsicolagirl my dh is exactly the same and my dd's feel the same way your dc's feel. It really saddens me that he dosent make the effort with them yet thinks he's the perfect dad. My eldest can't stand him

Menora · 21/06/2021 10:46

It is very draining being with a man like this
Sometimes the only way it will go for men like this to lose everything. Then they either step up or just give up on trying at all

AnxiousWeirdo · 21/06/2021 10:48

pepsicolagirl I could have written that myself 😑

Original poster
starsandacheesymoon · 21/06/2021 10:50

@khakiandcoral I have tried to talk about it, but he just makes excuses like he's tired and he has said he's not good at playing with the kids or it's boring. It hard to talk with him as he raises his voice as soon as he gets defensive, you can't have a discussion. I've tried different angles, like me wanting an hour off, but he says things like " I made them breakfast." He will make them toast, but not sit at the table with them or talk to them. He'll stand watching sport on his phone. You get the idea.

DS even started one of DH's hobbies and DH not even interested in taking him to that, and says he's not very good, I mean he's only 5 and so keen. The thing is DS loves it and so I take him and DC2.

OP posts:
Biscuitandacuppa · 21/06/2021 10:53

I think money can seem like a massive stumbling block but I’m a single parent. I went from a double income of over £50k to a single income of £11k. I live in a mortgaged house, I claim UC, I work in a school, and I get a small amount of maintenance.

I can run a car, we have days out mainly National Trust as the membership is cheap, we go camping for holidays. It isn’t easy but it is doable and my dd has a good quality of life. Certainly a better less stressful and emotionally stable than she would have done if I had remained in an unhappy relationship.

Original poster
starsandacheesymoon · 21/06/2021 10:54

I'm sorry to read there's a few of us in this situation. Having children can be very repetitive, but there are so many lovely moments in there, often just during doing normal things. Im sad these Dads are missing out.

OP posts:
RaginaFalangi · 21/06/2021 11:12

I would have on last discussion with him about this and tell him how you feel and if he's not going to be pulling his weight with the kids then he can pack his stuff and leave. I don't know how you could be attracted to such a selfish waste of space.

'DS even started one of DH's hobbies and DH not even interested in taking him to that, and says he's not very good, I mean he's only 5 and so keen. The thing is DS loves it and so I take him and DC2.'

That alone would be enough to make me go crazy at him your son is 5, he's got time to learn and become better. However by the sounds of it you 'd'h will always be a complete arsehole.