To think it’s okay to not have it all in a relationship?

[LifeIsAMotorway]

DP and I got together very young. We had a child together a few years ago. I’m not sure the attraction (on my side) was ever that strong but he’s nice, kind and considerate. But after 12 years together it stopped being enough.

I broke up with my DP about 20 months ago as it was no longer working. We were snippy with each other and I felt very little for him. I had a couple of flings/ short term things since: yet only one I was really attracted. However his lifestyle and habits put me off anything more serious. During Covid, DP became my natural bubble and we become closer again. Really good friends. Started sleeping together again - and here we are back together.

I still don’t feel a lot of sexual attraction to him but I adore him as a person. And maybe that really is enough.

I don’t have sexual excitement or attraction, but I have consideration and a friend. We do have sex and it’s generally a neutral experience for me but he does gives me orgasms so it’s fine, I guess (better than the many men who didn’t seem to know that I even had a clitoris, let alone what to do with it). Is everything important, or is it okay to just remain comfortable?

I am fully prepared to be told that several posters do in fact have it all - and if you do, how?

It sounds like you have a great partner who is loving and a great dad to your child.

You got together young and probably didn’t play the field much. This means you don’t have a huge amount of experience of different men - including the many many wrong’uns out there. Yes initial excitement is great but in my experience it doesn’t last forever!

It’s an interesting question really as my DH doesn’t meet all my needs but the ones he doesn’t meet are emotional ones that my friends and family meet while the need that your DP doesn’t meet is one that only he can meet, so while I would say it’s ok not to have it all I wonder what then happens to that need that isn’t being met and whether you want that out of life.

Yes, I think that’s exactly it! I had only a couple of short term relationships (weeks to months) and a one night stand before I met him. We were together during my uni years and all adulthood.

If I’d posed this thought before our break I would still wonder if there was more out there but after briefly experiencing the other side, I think kindness, friendship and love matters so much more and you don’t need the ‘whole package’ to be happy.

I think you’ll get dissatisfied again. He probably cured the loneliness of lockdown if he was in your bubble, but it sounds like you’d be better as friends.

@Bksjshsbbev2737

It’s an interesting question really as my DH doesn’t meet all my needs but the ones he doesn’t meet are emotional ones that my friends and family meet while the need that your DP doesn’t meet is one that only he can meet, so while I would say it’s ok not to have it all I wonder what then happens to that need that isn’t being met and whether you want that out of life.

That is interesting when you reframe it that way. I have okay sex, but I’m not really interested. I get orgasms because he cares about making me happy. I think sexual chemistry is important but it’s not the be all. I suppose it comes down to the qualities you really need - my life is chaotic and I have absent family and very few friends friends so perhaps it just means my priorities in a partner are different. I think that perspective is really interesting though.

“If I’d posed this thought before our break I would still wonder if there was more out there but after briefly experiencing the other side, I think kindness, friendship and love matters so much more and you don’t need the ‘whole package’ to be happy.“

This sounds like you’re trying to convince yourself, or you wouldn’t be posting here for opinions.

I always used to think that if you didn't hate their bad bits then that was enough, and I think when raising children it probably is.

As my children fly the nest I constantly feel that it would be better to be single than compromise.

I don't really know the answer to your question but I think your relationship sounds pretty good. What I am wondering is what kind of sex life you are envisaging with a different person?

In my experience most men are selfish lovers so to find one who can bring you to orgasm is not guaranteed. Could you work with your partner to change your sex life for the better?

I think it might not be for the best to throw what you have away for what is most likely, a fantasy.

To answer your question yes I do think its OK not to have it all. I suspect very few people get everything they need from one person.

But I do think that the person in your life has to enhance it in some ways or you are better off being on your own. You did say that after 12 years it stopped being enough.

I suspect, based on what you've written, that your current approach to him is based on nostalgia, missing the comfort and trust of an established relationship and the realisation that the dating game can be pretty brutal. And that while these are totally understandable reactions to someone fresh out of a 12 year relationship, they don't necessarily mean that you are right to stay with him. There was a reason why he stpoped being enough for you and that reason will probably rear its head again when the relief wears off again.

Don't confuse comfort and familiarity with love: it can be very seductive to slip back into old patterns but generally there will have been a good reason why you split.

I'm not saying that its definitely the wrong thing to get back together. But the pull of familiarity can be very deceptive. You need to try to separate this and have a hard conversation with yourself as whether this man can genuinely make you happy for the rest of your life or not.

I don't think you're ever going to find Mr absolutely perfect who is amazing in every single way, swinging from the chandeliers and having sex 5 times a day forever more and going through life like it's a Disney parade. Relationships are a work in progress, always evolving, always with things you can work on. For me the perfect relationship is someone who likes me and can put up with me and I can put up with them for the rest of our lives. That might sound like I'm setting the bar really, really low but in reality it's really, really hard to find (especially if like me you quickly find most people self absorbed and irritating and am quite hard work myself).

What you have is much more important (to me at least) than sexual attraction because everyone is going to get old and potentially lose their looks - I know so many people who were very good looking when young who have lost their hair or put on a lot of weight and really aren't the model lookers they were before. What then? You lose the sexual attraction and what have you got left? That said though I think you need to be attracted to your OH in some way, not necessarily their looks but there has to be something about them.

Does he know he's "fine, I guess"? Not sure you're being very fair to him if he doesn't know you're quite meh about it all. If you're both on the same page I wish you both the best.

Your emotional immaturity is obvious. The way your describe everything is frightening.
I can't see that your current relationship stands any chance. As his sister I'd be advising him to leave.

What about trying to spice up your sex life, try new things, maybe you’re just bored with mediocre sex. But it’s a difficult one, in my 40’s though I’d take a nice decent guy who makes me laugh and feel safe rather than looks and a great sex life

I might be trying to convince myself. I don’t know. But I also am perhaps trying to mature - those sexually charged exciting relationships in the movies aren’t all they are cracked up to be.

Our relationship is good. We co-parent really well. We are each other’s side. We chat, play games, giggle, cuddle. I just don’t have the sexual attraction. It’s the only thing missing. After having that part but not the rest, it made me feel i service; miserable and longing for emotional side again. He’s not a saint by any means. He’s shit with housework and needs a lot of reminding to do it, but he’s kind and lovely and treats me and DS well.

I don't think you can have it all but personally I'd prioritise sexual attraction and chemistry. Friends and family can give me a lot of the other stuff.

@thepeopleversuswork Yes, there is many elements you’ve mentioned which are true. It’s safe, comfortable and easy. I don’t think that’s a bad thing, but you are right - there’s a reason I ended things in the first place. I may be whitewashing the difficulties (actually I definitely am - it wasn’t 12 years of no sexual attraction and then call it a day). I feel like right now he’s become a more mature version of the person I met all those years ago, but you are right.

I think my question boils down to more that my initial query - if you have a solid friendship and have mutual respect for one another, can you have a strong romantic relationship if one party isn’t really sexually interested?

@Oblomov21 Can you describe why it’s ‘frightening’?

Everybody is different and it really depends on how much you need sexual fulfilment. A lifetime is a very long time to live without this but some people don't need it. I'd be really worried about what it will do to him though knowing he has a partner who doesn't desire him but has sex with him anyway. That can be pretty soul destroying. Of course this depends entirely on whether he feels the same about you. If he does then it sounds like it would make a lot of sense to stay together but in an open relationship where you can get sexual fulfilment from others while keeping the primary love and companionship relationship with each other.

If you met someone you were sexually attracted to would you act on that? If so, it’s not fair to use DP as a stop gap til you find something better.

I’d be inclined to say that if you are questioning whether you are in the right relationship then you probably aren’t.

However, I don’t believe in soul mates or that the ‘perfect man’ magically crosses your path so I do get why you are questioning whether you stick or twist xx

I don't know. Lack of sexual attraction would definitely worry me. Ive been with my husband for 17yrs, since I was 18 or so and our relationship is not perfect but it is definitely based on love and sexual attraction. I can't see what you could build without either of those 2 essential elements and indeed I'd argue that you need sexual attraction to have true romantic love.
Now you can be happy with less. Many arranged marriage in various parts of the world end up quite happy. But it depends on your expectations generally and what you need to feel fulfilled.

I don’t think I could stay with someone who I wasn’t sexually attracted too.

I was really stubborn in my early 20s. My two closest friends got married and had kids at 17/18, and I didn’t want what they had. I focused on my career and decided that anything that distracted me from that needed to be epic. I was then lucky enough to meet DH six years ago… and it’s been easy. So, so easy, so far. I’m sure we’ll hit stormy waters at some point, but so far, he’s my best friend, and my favourite person. I find him insanely attractive; we laugh a lot, we can talk about anything, we’ve learned each other’s hobbies and we enjoy each other’s company. He’s always in my corner, and I’m in his. I can’t believe that he’s mine.

But I don’t want to create a myth that if you leave, you’ll find someone who is perfect for you. Or even that my perfect would be your perfect. One of the aforementioned close friends has a new partner now; they’ve been together for about the same amount of time as me and DH. They fight loads. I’d hate it; she thinks it’s a sign of passion and interest and she’d worry they were both getting bored if they didn’t care enough to fight often anymore.

Some people want a partner who provides. Some want an equal household. I wanted someone that I fancy the pants off, who is my equal, who makes my life better and I love being around.

What do you want? Your posts do come across that you went back to this because you were lonely; rather than through desire, and you don’t sound confident at all that it’s enough for you. And that’s unlikely to be fair on him.

What do you want from a partner? What do you want from life? Do you get that here - or could you get it?

That’s what you have to figure out. Ideally without hurting him in the process.

I think you can have successful relationship, op. There is a lot to be said for having a shared child and both of you loving that child. I don't think you could ever live as easily with a partner that wasn't your child's parent.

It is perfectly possible to be sexually attracted to others and not to act on it, that's not exclusive to people that don't have a strong sexual attraction to their partner.

if you have a solid friendship and have mutual respect for one another, can you have a strong romantic relationship if one party isn’t really sexually interested?

I think if neither of you was really sexually bothered that might be possible. If I've read this correctly what you're saying is that he is still attracted to you and the sexual part of your relationship is important to him but its not to you and you would basically be doing it mainly to please him.

I think that's going to be problematic, long term, because your values are out of kilter and the relationship is unbalanced. For him, sex is a key part of your relationship. For you its not and its something you're doing almost as the cost of doing business -- sorry if that sounds crude and I know its more nuanced than that, but its something you're tolerating rather than actively enjoying. That's a pretty big conflict of interest in a partnership and over the long term there's a pretty strong likelihood that you will find others sexually attractive and want to stray.

It will depend on how important sex is to you. For some people it is a fairly minor element and something that can be put to one side if all other things are good. For me it would be a dealbreaker: I can't see the point in being in a committed relationship with someone I have no physical attraction to: it would be far better to be alone and free to pursue that with someone else. But everyone's different.

I think lack of sexual attraction would be an issue, mainly as PPs have pointed out, it’s not a quality you can seek from other people in your life. DP doesn’t always meet my emotional needs, but I can still feel fulfilled in that way through other people in my life.

I feel you are using this man. If there is a chance you are going to drop him again, you are being very unfair in stringing him along. He deserves it all too, and he is also getting older. I know I am being judgemental, but you sound all about you and your needs.