To think that I don’t need to meet someone else

[cadburyegg]

Split with H 6 months ago. 2 kids age 6 and 3. Lots of people tell me I can meet someone else and try again for the happy ever after, even had one friend who says that a handsome man might sweep me off my feet and I could have another baby.

I don’t want more children, i don’t want to get married again, I have no desire to have a blended family. I don’t have any desire whatsoever to date and meet men although I’m sure there will be a time where I feel ready to date again. but I’m fed up of the narrative that to “move on” I have to be happy with another man. Can’t I just be happy with my two kids, my job and my life the way it is? Why is there this idea that to be truly happy I have to “settle down” again?

Would be great to hear from others who have been through similar.

Problem is, you could meet a partner at friends suggestions ect, then they seem all charming ect then next thing is, one reason or another and they are in the wind so to speak. All the best op and so what you prefer.

Of course you can. I always say to my husband if we split I wouldn’t want to meet someone else. I know plenty of women who are happy to be on their own and others desperate to meet someone. We’re all different I suppose x

Wow really 6 months Is very quick for them to tell you to meet someone?! I’ve been single for 4 years with no interest in meeting anyone

Some people can’t bear the thought of not being in a relationship etc. Ignore the comments.

It’s absolutely fine to be single. The children will need stability so a new partner would be the last thing on my mind and certainly not more children.

Your freshly out if a marriage, enjoy it, your friends are right, you may get swept off your feet by someone and change your plans completely, but right now your enjoying being alone with your children.

Was 4 years before I moved on, I enjoyed my single life and then changed everything I said about not moving on, more children, marriage.

Life is like a maze, never quite know what is around the corner.

Good luck in life OP 💐

You are right, you have more chance of being happy as a single mother, I found bringing up my 2 boys was easier on my own, there were no compromises to make with another person's ideas of discipline etc. Money wise I was better off as there was just me in charge of spending, although I was working full time and my boys were older than yours. I felt very free and happy. There are so many pitfalls in introducing a new partner, or blending families. I did meet someone else but much later when the boys left home, and although I am not sorry we got together, it involved a lot of stressful re-arranging and compromise, as we were both used to living alone.

People seem to project their values rather than hearing what you actually want. I’m with you OP after two very very long (often tedious) relationships with men the thought getting into that again would fill me with dread. I always say I’m very happy as I am and enjoymy independence. I can’t see that changing. That usually shuts the commentators up.

That must be very annoying, cadbury. Of course you don't need a man to define you.

I was married for 20 years, then spent just 6 months single before meeting the guy I've just ended a 5 year relationship with. Ot was the right thing for me at the time but I'm now ready to be free and single (the young bit has long passed!) and enjoy only having myself & DD to worry about.
Do what works for you, don't let others decide when / if you need a new man, if at all!

I'd be telling all of these "helpful" people to fuck off, and I'm not joking. I would tell them firmly that any discussion about my private/romantic life is off limits. Do they think you're so daft you don't understand that you could have another relationship? You aren't interested right now, and you shouldn't have to deal with this intrusive bullshit.

Yeah, I'm on my own and don't regret it having dated and nearly settled down again.

Divorced 11 years ago , single mum to 3 DC aged 6 months- 6 at the time and ex H that disappeared after being erratic

I dated at the start but found it was hard to balance work DC and life with time demands of bf (even if you find a super one) and also my xH kept not turning up so I ended up cancelling so much on weekends away or fortnightly nights out that I gave up as it became so upsetting.

It was right thing for me at the time and if you aren't interested , then don't feel you have to date as you have enough love in your life with DCs, family and friends.

I will warn you lightly though, you may get used to being on your own, less flexible and perhaps a little intolerant of living with another adult or sharing your bed after 5+ years on your own... at least I have.... and at some point DCs grow up and leave home.

Do I wish I had made a different decision back when I gave up, yes maybe , but I also knew I was stretched too thin and wanted to put my children first. Do I think my DC appreciated it? Kinda but they also behave at times on occasion in an entitled way from being put first always too much.

As long as you are totally comfortable with just your own company because kids grow-up leave home.

You only separated 6 months ago so your friends are being way too pushy, it’s too soon to consider dating again when you have such small children.

You are absolutely right, OP.
A woman does not need to a partner to 'move on' and be happy and satisfied with her life.
These are unhelpful suggestions--it's social pressure that a woman needs a man to be fulfilled. Utter bullocks!

As a lone parent, I thrive when single. I dated early on (and had one relationship) and I realised that life was better (for me) on my own. Less stress, no compromising and no one butting into how I raise my child. No having to find time, childcare and energy for a partner and dates. My time, energy and money are my own and I have full independence. My child also gets all of me, which makes me happy.

Do what's best for you,

Of course you can.

I split from ds's father in spring 2012, have been happily single ever since.
I have ds, full time job, my house, my friends.
I cook, I garden, I socialise, I work, I help with homework, I run, we swim and do martial arts. When would I find time for a man
Life is so much easier now!

YANBU. Happy ever after doesn't have to involve a new man and baby.

I agree with Whyhello
6 months is too early
Being on your own for a little while is healing and teaches you that you can manage independently, then IF you do decide to date again, you will pick better

I do sometimes wonder if all of these "helpful" people are just a weeny bit jealous of your new found freedom? My DMs friend used to say this .They may be a bit bored or sad within their marriages ,and envy you the chance to not have to compromise with someone else all the time.You are perfectly happy ATM and in no rush to meet anyone .So many people (esp women) seem to feel incomplete without a new partner .Often goes tits up ,and DC caught up in the shit to boot! Enjoy your independence .

YANBU OP. Wishing you all the best for your future happiness, whether that's with a partner or not!

6 months is no time at all. I'm quite sure you are still in processing mode from what you've just been through.

People say that sort of thing to me quite a bit too. I think its more of an issue for them than for me. Are they coupled up friends by any chance?

The funny thing is if you were to move on quickly and get a new man within 6 months the same people would be judging you for that!

I hate the assumption that we need a man and a happy ever after! Single mum since dd was 18months old and she’s now 10.

In the early days I tried a few dates but I’ll be honest I just can’t be bothered! All relationships require attention and compromise, I don’t have the time and I don’t want to compromise. My focus is my dd and her having a nice stable fun childhood. I am quite happy to be single for the rest of my life tbh.

Some people just don’t seem to stay single, even when there are children involved. I have a friend who has split up with his second wife and has a new girlfriend and introduced them to his children straight away (from his first marriage). He’s never spent anytime alone.

I split up with DH over ten years ago and have been single since aside from a few months of craziness

I can honestly say have been happier living on my own, with and without the DC, who are now young adults living independently, than I ever was living with a partner.

Some friends will be saying this because they have lovely relationships they are really happy in, and so their view is that this is what you need too. However, if you asked them what they would do if their marriage ended, you may find they say they would be happy single.

Other friends are jealous. One friend finally admitted this to me - she was so unhappily married herself, she kind of wanted me back in the box. My freedom was a reminder of what she wanted for herself.

When I see the difficulties some friends and colleagues have had trying to blend families, and what my own DC have endured as their father tries to incorporate them into his new family, I am really glad I stayed single.

It suits me - I have a great job I love and plenty of friends. If anything I don't have enough time to do everything I want to be doing. The idea of having some man living in my house fills me with dread. No thanks. No compromising, no dealing with extended families, it's a relief really.

I've been single for 8 years since my divorce. I have never had any interest in having a relationship again. It was too painful and took me too long to recover to ever risk that again. I've had a few fun dates and a FWB but other than that not interested 🤷🏻‍♀️. It's perfectly ok IMO!