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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I should be able to argue my point without crying?

46 replies

Acrackineverything · 19/06/2021 23:59

At 60 years of age I'm so pissed off with myself. I had a row with my son yesterday due to his snapping at me over something minor. His excuse is that he was "hangry" and I shouldn't have said anything to him until he'd eaten. My argument, if I'd been able to articulate it, would have been that as a 30-year old man, he should be able to control himself and give me a civil answer.

However. I couldn't argue my point with him as, the minute I began to answer him, I started to cry. Later when I tried to explain the incident to my DH I immediately started to cry again.

This happens every single time I ever have an argument' with anyone. It always has, since I was a teenager. This has made me very averse to disagreeing with anyone, ever. In fact my DH often remarks on how I'm so easy to live with. But I'd actually love to be able to have a good row!

Is anyone else like this? Is it possible to overcome it? Or am I destined to always have great rows in my head but never actually manage to say what I want to say?

OP posts:
Meme69 · 20/06/2021 00:04

I often cry if I'm frustrated or angry. It drives me mad. Hugs, I hope you are ok

ThisMustBeMyDream · 20/06/2021 00:09

This is me too. I can only stand up for myself to strangers. Never family, friends or work colleagues. I just cry. It is fucking embarrassing.

LucysSkyDiamonds · 20/06/2021 00:11

Did it this evening, not even a row, just explaining how much point of view was different but valid. And he bloody agreed with me in the end!

JadeandGreen · 20/06/2021 00:12

This is me! I have so much to say but can't articulate it without crying. It is so frustrating. This, alongside other issues, has me questioning if I have Asperger's at the age of 48!

LucysSkyDiamonds · 20/06/2021 00:13

@ThisMustBeMyDream

This is me too. I can only stand up for myself to strangers. Never family, friends or work colleagues. I just cry. It is fucking embarrassing.
Yes the more important the issue or person is to me the more likely I'll cry. I guess it shows the emotional importance?
Lollypop4 · 20/06/2021 00:15

I am exactly the same!!!
In arguement with partner, sometimes parents - I cry.
If I feel angry that I cant get my point across or just sad about a situ- Usually a hot topic, I cry.
I wish I could be like you, learn to restrain arguement to save the tears but I cant, I eould say I am arguementive.

whiteroseredrose · 20/06/2021 00:17

I get shouty. My friend cries through sheer frustration when she can't express herself properly. Unfortunately it is just one of those things.

I'm just glad not to give in to temptation and give a wallop!

SpaceRaiders · 20/06/2021 00:22

I’ve cried at work. Blush Cried at a builder who was messing me around. I’ve also cried on the phone to the bank too. I’m not generally a very emotional person but I can’t for the life of me stop myself bloody crying when frustrated. YY I tend to avoid conflict as it usually ends in tears Hmm

lottiegarbanzo · 20/06/2021 00:22

Write it down.

Not so good for spur of the moment things but for longer-standing issues it works well.

Original poster
Acrackineverything · 20/06/2021 00:22

Wow I really thought it was just me! Thanks so much for replies. The annoying thing is I'm perfectly rational and very articulate in my head. Then I open my mouth and the ugly crying begins.

I've had therapy in the past for other stuff and mentioned it to the therapist but we didn't linger on it. Actually therapy was awful as I just cried every session.

I spent a fortune on hypnotherapy sessions years ago for this issue. I thought maybe I could hypnotize myself into not crying. Waste of money.

I really hate the thought of never in my life being to argue my corner.

OP posts:
BashfulClam · 20/06/2021 00:24

Yep and I hate it because it weakens my point.

lottiegarbanzo · 20/06/2021 00:26

Why would it make you think you had Asperger's @JadeandGreen ? Is there an emotional regulation element? Or something to do with conflict?

Rummikub · 20/06/2021 00:28

Yes this is me too!
Cry and argue all at the same time.
Either through frustration or I’m too emotional.

Ilikegreenshoes · 20/06/2021 00:29

This is me too! Glad to know it's not just me! Did it at work a couple of days ago, and I HATE it! Annoyingly, I'm usually very calm, happy and in control. I hate not being able to control this part of myself.

MoominFeatures · 20/06/2021 00:41

This is me. I hate it. I can’t help solve it but I do empathise and offer the biggest virtual hug I can xxx

CandyLeBonBon · 20/06/2021 01:17

Me too!

Anonapapple · 20/06/2021 06:35

I am like this. I think it comes from feeling like I had to suppress anger when I was a child. I get incredibly adrenaline during any kind of confrontation especially with a certain family member because I panic about the anger and how I can deal with it without the fear of being told off for having an opinion.

Over the years, I have realised a few things.

  1. I am an autonomous person with a right to my own emotions. The more I dwell on this and affirm it, the more I believe it.
  1. It is importent to minimise the value that you place on the crying. If it happens try to let it happen without judgement, maybe with a neutral thought process such as 'I currently cry when my emotions feel overwhelmed'. I have an issue with blushing and am trying to reduce my emotional response to when I go red, because it can become a recurring cycle otherwise.
Confusedandshaken · 20/06/2021 07:01

Tears are unspoken emotions. They are the feelings you can't put words to. They are a release for those feelings. They come when they are needed. They are also a communication so are as helpful and revealing to a therapist as any words. There is a reason why every counselling room has a box of tissues!

It's annoying when they come when we don't want them but it would be worse if your feelings were so repressed that you couldn't cry. That can be very damaging so I'm pleased the hypnotherapy didn't work. It really couldn't have worked. I'm a big fan of clinical hypnotherapy and you cannot hypnotise someone to do something that isn't already 'in them'. Your tears are clearly an integral part of who you are.

You can still make your points and state your case when crying. Don't think that words spoken when crying are less 'true'. Allow them to come, take a deep breath and press on. Don't let your tears silence you.

And also, don't exercise a double standard for yourself and other people. You can't control your tears so why do you think your son should be able to control his snapping?

LonstantonSpiceMuseum · 20/06/2021 07:01

Oh god,I do this too! I found what helps is to articulate something before it becomes too big of a problem. Your DH says you're easy to live with - are you just ignoring any minor issues as they come along?
Have you tried being a little more open day-to-day with smaller things that are not as important? Firstly it will give you some practice in talking about this kind of things while they have not been pressing on you for a long time. Second it will stop them being a problem later.
It will also help others to help you - most people would like to know if something's bothering you, and help out. Id rather know earlier if I'm annoying someone and can do something about it instead of having it sprung on me and they're clearly upset.

romdowa · 20/06/2021 07:04

I cry out of anger or frustration! It's very annoying as I can't feel my voice cracking and that just annoys me even more 🙄😨

TheoMeo · 20/06/2021 07:13

I never cry - makes me look a hard hearted xxxx.
Have you tried writing things down, maybe at the end of the day write down any annoyances - then you can think them through rationally and perhaps off load the suppressed emotions. Then you are less overwhelmed during the day.

Iquitit · 20/06/2021 07:17

Yes I do it too, it's so frustrating because people don't take you seriously 'Turning on the water works again!' and I've found people treat it like I'm trying to emotionally manipulate them to get my own way when all I want to do is get my pov across minus the tears and snot!
Tbf I can see how it could be considered that, but it's not me just crying to get the other person to feel sorry for me, it just happens and I too avoid confrontation because I'll just cry and then it escalates and it becomes about my crying rather than the actual issue and I come away from every situation feeling like I'm the unreasonable one every time.

Noauthorityhere · 20/06/2021 07:20

Yup I cry when I'm angry or frustrated. As a result i cried down the phone to british gas once. When in reality I was absolutely fuming. Very annoying and embarrassing!

BootsieBarns · 20/06/2021 07:21

Maybe there's something deep down that's unresolved with you as a child which has caused you to emotionally stop at a certain age? I can only speak for myself but any issues relating back to my mum, who passed away a few years ago, make me very emotional. Not just because she died but because there's a lot of unresolved issues there. Anything else I can be as hard as nails on.

The fact you cried a lot in therapy might be a sign there's still a lot of work to do to get out the anger inside.

Just a thought?

ShowGirlCoaching · 20/06/2021 07:23

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