To think I should be able to argue my point without crying?

[Acrackineverything]

At 60 years of age I'm so pissed off with myself. I had a row with my son yesterday due to his snapping at me over something minor. His excuse is that he was "hangry" and I shouldn't have said anything to him until he'd eaten. My argument, if I'd been able to articulate it, would have been that as a 30-year old man, he should be able to control himself and give me a civil answer.

However. I couldn't argue my point with him as, the minute I began to answer him, I started to cry. Later when I tried to explain the incident to my DH I immediately started to cry again.

This happens every single time I ever have an argument' with anyone. It always has, since I was a teenager. This has made me very averse to disagreeing with anyone, ever. In fact my DH often remarks on how I'm so easy to live with. But I'd actually love to be able to have a good row!

Is anyone else like this? Is it possible to overcome it? Or am I destined to always have great rows in my head but never actually manage to say what I want to say?

As you can see from other responses it's really not just you. I also cry during arguments/disagreements if the other person isn't listening or doesn't seem to understand my point of view. It's a pent up frustration thing. I hate is as well because at times I've been accused of playing the victim when that's not how I want to come across. I wish I could advise but I don't know how to stop it myself.

Yes this is me!! I have found my people! And when I can feel the tears starting I get even more cross and frustrated at myself for crying the crying gets worse! I hate it, especially in professional situation as it makes me look / feel weak. I recently had to walk out of a board meeting to pull myself together - so unprofessional but I couldn't just sit there crying. I also had the "you're just turning on the waterworks" comments. I'm really not, I desperately want to not be crying. I just can't stop it.
The flip side is though, I went through a couple of dark years and was completely numb. Felt no emotion at all and could not cry. This is better than that.

Oh yes, this is me too. I've cried so often at work through sheer frustration/ anger. One manager really couldn't handle it & suggested I had mental health issues 🙄 I'd love to be able to have a heated discussion without my voice quivering & my eyes welling up!

This was me. But l had a lot of therapy with a lot of crying and now l can usually deal with conflict without tears. For a while my dh was expecting tears again but it has stopped.
Therapist are well used to tears so maybe a return to therapy would be useful.

I sometimes cry when I'm really angry. But after a good argument first.

My teen son has autism and crys after every little argument bless his heart

@lottiegarbanzo Yea it's to do with being unable to deal with conflict. Even a logically minor disagreement feels threatening and aggressive and the brain is unable to process the words from the brain to the mouth. I'm not sure I've explained that well. Lol! But as I said, this is one of many other traits that have me questioning if I'm on the spectrum. Whatever it is, it's very frustrating to be unable to argue/discuss your point.

Me too and it’s got worse as I’ve got older. I read once it was a retained reflex but I never really looked into it. It’s so frustrating especially in a professional context. And it’s worse when I’m stressed or there’s a lot of emotion that has built up around an issue. I try to re-engage the rationale part of my brain to calm myself (do sums, recall historical facts) which helps. Also writing down points and practising them in advance can help fir situations where that’s an option.

I think when you cry it is because you are emotionally invested in the person you are arguing with and perhaps they have the upper hand?

Try breathing exercises. I find that works for me

It's your bodies response to the adrenaline rush (stress hormones). You need to work on your emotional stability(self control) and self confidence.

Fellow wuss waving to ya over here op!

I have many cringeworthy examples of my spontaneous tears - I have no advice but I wish I could have a grown up argument without dissolving into floods

This is me too, so frustrating. It doesn’t even have to be an argument, even tackling an issue at work, if it’s a stressful situation to discuss I cry. I hate it, wish I could just get my point across. It seems weak, and like I’m trying to emotionally manipulate the situation. It means I often avoid tackling a proble,m, especially at work, because I know I’ll end up crying and won’t express myself properly.

I do this and only during arguments out of frustration and anger. I hate it. I almost never cry outside of arguments. I was not allowed to express any negative emotions as a child so no doubt it is tied up with that.

I’m like this. Mainly when it’s with people I care about.
I don’t like doing it because it feels manipulative but I struggle to stop.
I just want them to agree with me so badly! I hate conflict and people I love thinking badly of me.

Happens to me! Really annoying!

My younger brother tells me that he sometimes gets it too, so it’s not just women.

I do this, I put it down to having an happy childhood without any trauma.

My friend who never cries puts that down to having a very unhappy childhood.

Don't suppose any of this is true, but it has helped me understand my inability to get any emotion across without crying.

Exactly what others have said. I can face down a class of 16 year olds fine, but put me in front of a shop manager refusing a refund and I go to pieces. I've side stepped promotions at work because I don't think I could effectively fight the department:s corner. I don't think I advocate strongly enough for my undiagnosed ASD son because I just cry, or know I'm going to in appointments to discuss it. Is really limiting.

I do this a lot. I recently started therapy (about other things) and the therapist has said several times that this sort of crying is linked to having had to surpress feelings of upset or frustration or anger as a child, and that when it happens i should try and see if there’s a childhood memory it “triggers” and give that memory space to be acknowledged and sympathised with and given space to be properly upset so that there is some closure, rather than just tamped down immediately.

Obvs only possible when alone but it does seem to be having some positive results.

I'm the same. It drives me mad, especially at work because usually I'm angry or frustrated - certainly not upset! Yet sometimes I can feel my voice breaking and eyes tearing up the moment I start to make my point and it's mortifying.

It's frustration he hurt your feelings.
Try some deep breathing exercises daily and roleplay some good answers to an argument when upset. Crying is a loss of control.
ub consciously put a imaginery shield against you, it'll make you smile when you do it.
I've had to practice I use to be emotional in work etc if I got upset. I was a very sensitive crying child without any idea on how to control it.

This is me too! Any kind of confrontation towards me and I can't stop myself from crying, i hate it and wish I could be stronger. Just yesterday on the phone I phoned health visitor to change my contact number with her, did first child then I began to ask a question about second child as I'm waiting for a phone call back, but before I could finish she spoke over me and said over me "can you just wait until I've finished this one please I can only do one at a time" I said okay I was only asking a question. Silence for like 2 seconds then she said "okay what's the second Childs name?"

Why do that to me? Why speak over me and make me feel small, it would have done no harm to let me speak. It completely through me off and I immediately had the urge to cry, I got off the phone as quickly as possible so she didn't hear the tears in my voice.

I've cried at work many times in the toilet from being confronted by angry customers. I just want to be stronger