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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To throw away DD's & DS's stuff?

46 replies

movinghelprequired · 19/06/2021 15:15

I have a DD7 and a DS3. We live in a very very small flat with hardly any storage.

We're about to move out to do renovations and due to space issues I've asked the DC to help go through their stuff to tell me what their fav things are (to take to our rental), what we'll keep (but put in storage) and what we can say goodbye to.

Predictably they want to keep absolutely everything!

So, AIBU to throw some things away / give some things away that they've said they want to keep? I feel IANBU with DS... but at 7 I should let DD decide? Trouble is we're out of space! Please advise.

OP posts:
TeenMinusTests · 19/06/2021 15:23

Give her another go. Give her a box/bag and say it needs to be filled.

Alternatively, could stuff be stored at your/your partners DPs?

Panaesthesia · 19/06/2021 16:08

They're little children, and they do not understand what "keeping for the rental" and "going in to storage" means. And of course they want to keep everything - they're very young. They won't find donation easy at their age.

Under no circumstances should you just 'throw out' their things, that's awful. These are their possessions. They make them happy and feel safe. Your moving and renovating is going to be hard on them. Losing their possessions more so.

You, the parent, should be more than able to filter their possessions into most-to-least needed and used. Do not remove their favourites into storage, nor donate them. They'll be heartbroken, and many adults have stories of coming home and losing a favourite toy to the skip or charity shop. You must surely know what their favourites are? Anything to be donated - hide it in a bag out of sight for a week or so, so the items are not missed.

We moved, and renovated, and keeping the children's things - we don't have a lot of tat, anyway - was very important to us. We stored our things, not theirs. Outgrown toys were donated, quietly. All the favourites stayed. That way the kids were less impacted.

Panaesthesia · 19/06/2021 16:10

You see some quite nightmarish posts around about parents who spend Christmas giving their kids lovely gifts and then by February have driven it all the charity shop or hurled it into landfill before their child's eyes and are now posting wondering why their child is so sad and no longer plays with their toys.

Like, just let them keep their stuff and donate any outgrown things.

MojoMoon · 19/06/2021 16:11

You might need to make it clearer for them - give them a big box each and say they can fill it with their favourites. They don't really understand space and storage and so on - why would they not say "everything!"?

AfternoonToffee · 19/06/2021 16:18

Sometimes it is easier to negotiate, so if there is a pile of games say they can keep so many and the rest can go to "another boy girl."

Sometimes I will just make a decision though, otherwise nothing will ever go.

OccasionallyFlagging · 19/06/2021 16:24

My DH is 65. He still has unresolved anger/resentment/regret over the beloved toys his mother gave away, and for many years he was a borderline hoarder. Just give them a toy box each and say the rest will be going to storage, but explain they will get them back.

cupsofcoffee · 19/06/2021 16:27

Please don't just throw out their things.

But I think they're too young to understand the concept of storage/rental - just say you're filling x number of boxes to give to other boys and girls and they need to help you decide what they'd like to give away.

azimuth299 · 19/06/2021 16:33

I would get them a box each and tell them to fill it with the things they want to take to the rental. That way they can take ownership of their own things. Everything that doesn't fit can go to storage.

I think it's probably not the best time to throw anything away as they are going through a lot of change, but what I usually do is just try to regularly thin the toys rather than a big dramatic moment of getting rid of a lot. Whenever I tidy their room I scan about for things that they no longer use, then put them in a box for a month or so in case they ask for them, then get rid.

We don't have a lot of space so we can't have a load of toys that they no longer play with taking up space, but equally I don't want to make them paranoid about losing their toys! But if I ask them they don't want to let anything go!

PracticingPerson · 19/06/2021 16:34

You mustn;t do it for them as you will create more problems in the future potentially. With my own children I tell them we need to give some toys away in order to make space for new ones and to give things to other children.

You have to do it in stages. I used to ask them to find me ten books to give away for example, then the next weekend ask for ten soft toys.

Blowingagale · 19/06/2021 16:37

Might be a bit late now especially with 7 year old. You asked the question. Maybe store it all. When you move back and are putting things away you can talk about toys 7yo didn’t play with, she is older now, and letting another child enjoy them.

Have they seen you sorting out your own things and deciding what to keep or give away/to charity?

Smartiepants79 · 19/06/2021 16:40

Favourites should be kept obviously.
Anything not touched for the last 12 months could be storaged for now, then if it’s not missed, quietly given away.
Anything completely grown out of can be given away unless it was a huge favourite and should be kept if possible.
My husband has weird issues with past toys due to the fact his mother gave away everything without asking.
However, I don’t agree that you just have to keep everything. I pass on things that my children have grown out of etc. 99% of the time they don’t even notice it’s gone! I keep favourites and anything that was expensive and still in excellent condition.
Surely you know which things are important and which aren’t?

movinghelprequired · 19/06/2021 17:03

Appreciate all the replies. To be clear, I wasn't going to throw or give away ALL of their things. Was mainly thinking about the utter tat, plastic stuff from magazines, stuff that they never play with, broken toys, outgrown items, etc.

Obviously I will bring their best stuff and pack other things I know they like but there is SO MUCH STUFF! We cannot keep it all long term but I'm worried if I cull for them it'll cause upset... I have tried the "let's pick X items for younger boys / girls" and it has not worked that well. DD had a go, but it was tough going.

One PP mentioned her DH being a borderline horder from having things thrown away by DPs and it's that kind of thing I was worried about.

To answer other PPs - DCs have watched DH and I do it for our stuff. DH does "one in one out" so also sets a brilliant example on a day to day basis!

OP posts:
Snoken · 19/06/2021 17:12

I have always been quite ruthless when it comes to materialistic things like this. Regular clear outs whether it’s clothes or toys and I am now left with one small box each with stuff from when my kids were small. It contains clothes they came home from the hospital in, first shoes, a teddy or two and a couple of baby blankets. They are now late teens and couldn’t care less about this stuff. No way would I be hoarding random toys because they might get upset when they get older and they don’t have the rubber duck they used to take baths with, or whatever. I don’t think it’s good to be so attached to stuff. Take pictures instead if you have to.

georgarina · 19/06/2021 17:13

Agree with pps saying that if you can, see what your DCs aren't using/playing with and put them away for a bit and see if they miss it. If not, give them away.

Castlepeak · 19/06/2021 17:17

Go through and pull out things that are broken or just don’t get used. Give them a chance to pull back some of the don’t get used items in case you misjudged.

They really are too little to sort it themselves, but if you have it sorted already it helps.

QueeniesCroft · 19/06/2021 17:18

Anything that's broken should go, obviously.

We ended up with a mountain of stuff too. I chose 10 toys each to be kept out, and the rest went into the attic. Once a month, I left out the ones they played with the most, and swapped the others. It became clear fairly quickly that they only played with a few each and the rest weren't that important. They also had a steady supply of "new" things to play with.

A 7 year old should be able to talk about which things they really love and which could go to a place where they are needed more. A 3 year old not so much of course, but it's unlikely to cause any massive trauma if you thin their toy collection a bit.

There is clearly a reasonable middle ground between literally drowning in old and broken toys, and ripping their treasured toys from their tiny fingers!

TheYearOfSmallThings · 19/06/2021 17:23

I say get rid. If I didn't we would be eyeball deep in toys that never get played with or looked at but "I loooooove it".

If you are moving into a rental and then back into a small flat, you need to only keep the things they truly love and use. I disagree that they are going to be mentally scarred by this, and anyone who is still harbouring resentment about toys at the age of 65 has other issues ongoing.

Diversion · 19/06/2021 17:40

I gave my son's Playmobil pirate ship away because he hadnt played with it for ages and we needed to make space. He is now 28 and still hasnt forgiven me.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 19/06/2021 17:43

They are now late teens and couldn’t care less about this stuff. No way would I be hoarding random toys because they might get upset when they get older and they don’t have the rubber duck they used to take baths with, or whatever. I don’t think it’s good to be so attached to stuff.

That's them, though; other people see things very differently. There was a recent thread where OP had been given about half a shoebox-full of cards that her parents had been given on the occasion of her birth and baptism, and she wasn't bothered about keeping it - although she still decided to start a thread about it, which suggested that she wasn't 100% certain. Some people agreed with her and others (like me) were horrified at the (personal) thought of throwing such things away. However, whatever she did, it was her choice as an adult to make.

Obviously, you can't keep absolutely everything, but plenty of us do appreciate and greatly value the memories of a few of our old precious toys and childhood possessions, especially when our parents are no longer with us. You don't always even know yourself what particular items might bring loads of beautiful memories flooding back when you're 40/50/60/70/80/90.

I think we do children a huge disservice if we just throw out or give away their possessions without their knowledge and clear consent. At 3 and 7, they haven't bought any of those things themselves, so it becomes presents that loved ones (mostly their parents) have given to them and are now taking away again. It can indeed cause enduring trust and attachment problems if they learn that, as well as the naughty children in the park who might want to steal their bike, they can't even rely on their own parents not to (as they might see it) do the same, with their things in their own home.

I also think it's unfair to just give them a box and say they have to fill it with stuff that they're going to lose for good (no problem if it's safely in storage and easily retrievable). Would you do the same with your own goods? You might look at a great big oak wardrobe and decide that you'll have nowhere to put it in the new place, so it needs to go; but how would you feel if somebody told you that you had to look at the furniture and your other goods and lose an arbitrary quarter/third/half of everything you own?

How would you feel if your DH gave you a wodge of black bags and told you that you had to choose which half of your clothes to keep and bag up the rest for charity, 'because you've got too many and you can't keep them all'? As for just doing it without your knowledge, again, what if you got home to find that your DH had 'sorted through' your wardrobe and got rid of the 50% of your clothes that he 'didn't think were your favourites'?

There are cases where children need to be strongly encouraged to make the 'right' decision - and if something becomes dangerous for them, you might have to step in; but they aren't possessions or extensions of you - they're individual people in their own right, with feelings, emotions, personalities, worries, concerns and countless other needs and characteristics, just the same.

movinghelprequired · 19/06/2021 17:56

@Diversion THIS is what I'm worried about. How old was DS when you gave away the ship?

OP posts:
Wynston · 19/06/2021 18:26

We have virtually all of our belongings in a storage unit.......the kids have missed nothing at all when we finally buy a house hardly anything will be coming into the house.
Please dont feel guilty just sell or donate as you see fit.

Phphion · 19/06/2021 20:36

We moved house when I was 4. I had a doll with blonde hair and a red velvet dress, one of those ones that was to cover toilet rolls though she never did. She was no doubt a hideous thing and even I didn't particularly like her.

But when I discovered that my mother had thrown her away when we moved I was so upset that my dad bought me a new doll to make up for it, and I was upset about that too, because the point wasn't that I had lost a doll, the point was that she was mine.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 19/06/2021 20:45

Exactly what @Panaesthesia said.

movinghelprequired · 20/06/2021 13:19

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll you said - how would I feel if someone arbitrarily said I had to get rid of 1/2 my stuff.

I'd feel sad obviously. In fact, I DO feel sad. I'm clearing out loads and loads of my own stuff too. It's not great fun. But it is a necessity when you can't afford a bigger space.

If we had £££££ to buy a nice big house here it would be a choice, but we do not. (And we don't want move to a cheaper area because of work and family etc. Being close to family and a quick commute to maximise my time with DC are more important to me than more space for things). So I've embraced being grateful for a few nice things and being lucky enough to have what we've got. I need the dc to do the same really!

OP posts:
Caradogthemouse · 20/06/2021 13:25

My mum threw away my toys without asking. Or rather she “put them in the attic”. I only just found out as an adult that some of my favourite childhood toys were not in fact waiting for me to rediscover them in the attic safe and sound but had been chucked years ago. Devastated, felt really silly to be upset as a grown woman, but these things mean so much more to us as children. My mum let me keep the toys that were most expensive / she liked the most. She didn’t think I’d care about the motheaten second hand polar bear. Adults don’t always know what their children care about. Please give your daughter the chance to choose what she keeps, and let her help decide what happens to the ones you ‘re home’.

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