To throw away DD's & DS's stuff?

[movinghelprequired]

I have a DD7 and a DS3. We live in a very very small flat with hardly any storage.

We're about to move out to do renovations and due to space issues I've asked the DC to help go through their stuff to tell me what their fav things are (to take to our rental), what we'll keep (but put in storage) and what we can say goodbye to.

Predictably they want to keep absolutely everything!

So, AIBU to throw some things away / give some things away that they've said they want to keep? I feel IANBU with DS... but at 7 I should let DD decide? Trouble is we're out of space! Please advise.

My DS is 40, I'm not allowed to throw anything of his away. It's neatly stored in labelled boxes in the loft. I'm enclined to suddenly develop a plague of mice.

Rather than throw it away donate. In my exp most kids that age can be really generous about giving stuff away to other kids & can even get excited about it

I’d honestly be really ruthless and just go in with a bin bag when they’re not around. Ditch the stuff you know for a fact they have no interest in at all, get rid of anything broken or that’s just plain tat and leave the rest.

They really won’t miss broken McDonald’s toys or whatever.

Start with anything broken (I don’t mean bedtime teddy missing an ear) and anything free from a magazine/McDonald’s/partybag and just throw it. Wouldn’t even be a negotiation in my household, I just throw them away when kids aren’t looking. They have never noticed that the broken slap band from cebeeebies magazine a month ago or the plastic whistle from K’s party last week got binned. If they did I’d just tell them it was played with, and now it’s done with so I’ve got rid of it (and this is why I hate small cheap plastic toys, they’re just instant landfill).

Most of the baby toys all got collected up and “given to cousin T” - in reality T got about six decent bits and the rest went in the bin - they’d not been used for literally years, the tears over it were ignored. They got over it five minutes later. No way are they having lasting attachment issues because I disposed of the v tech baby walker and some stacking cups!

Things they have a genuine attachment to (or even had a genuine attachment to at some point) and played with a lot we have kept. I have their bedtime lovies and favourite story books and the train set and the Lego and the Sylvanian castle and blah blah blah. If they are ever petty, bratty and ungrateful enough as adults to suggest I should have kept everything they’d ever been given, just in case as an adult they want to reminisce for ten seconds about the troll they got in a happy meal decades earlier, they’ll be given extremely short shrift.

I remember rescuing a beloved soft toy aeroplane from a charity bag that my mother had been filling. I was practically an adult myself at the time! I allowed everything else to be donated, but the plane was my comforter. I just couldn't let it go. Even now, I still have it. And no, DH doesn't mind - we have his childhood soft toy here too.

Having said that, I always have been very ruthless with donating things I no longer need or want. I don't like throwing things away because of the environmental impact but I love donating/swapping things.

My dad threw away my beloved teddy bears . I haven’t forgiven him

Part of your job as parent is to be raged against by grumpy children sometimes. You're the safe people they can do this with when they're frustrated about something.

Not being able to keep everything due to space is frustrating, but it's a lesson they need to learn before they turn into hoarding adults keeping everything 'just in case'.

As parent I think you shouldn't try to avoid being the one faced with their frustration by treating them like mini adults and expecting them to make these decisions all by themselves. Yes they're separate people with their own feelings and thoughts but they're not adults and shouldn't be treated like they are.

As lots of pp have mentioned it's unlikely they'll even notice if you collect up and throw out all the broken things when they're not there. If you collect up all the things you notice they don't play with, keep them for a couple months, if they don't ask where it is in that timescale they're unlikely to ever ask, so donate these things. If that doesn't create enough space, give them each a box and ask them to put all their favourite things in there.

Don't ask them what do they want to give away, they're children and they don't want to give away anything. Ask them instead what they most want to keep, tell them it all has to fit into the box.

Then collect up the rest, keep for a couple of months in case they ask for something back and then donate. Do the collecting up and donating when they're not there. If they ask where the stuff is much later, remind them they got to choose and keep their favourites, explain there wasn't the room to keep the rest. If they're annoyed about it, suck it up. They've a right to their emotions, they're children who don't understand about mortgages and why there's no space. If they can't express their emotions to their parents then who can they express them too?

At less than 10yrs old they don't deserve to have to make what to them will feel like a major life decision about which toys to part with. They're too young to shoulder all the responsibility for their actions. So let them choose their box of favourites, then if there's any regrets you take the flack for being the 'bad guy' who made them get rid of their toys.

don't throw them away just yet.

my youngest is 6 so we've just had a good culling of toys they will no longer need.
I got youngest 3 to approve of every single item we got rid of.
it was very interesting that they wanted to keep stuff I would've chucked and didn't care about things I thought they did!
the only criteria that's non-negotiable if a toy is broken/damaged beyond salvageable. those get binned, but we do this silly thing of saying "goodbye and thanks for the good times"🤣 it eases the pain.

For us it's definitely the right choice to let them decide what they keep and what is given away - your 7 year old can easily do the same.

Needs must. You haven't got enough space for everything.

The important thing is treating your kids with love and respect, which you are doing your very best at, by posting on here, shows you are a thoughtful and caring Mum.

You don't need a guilt trip to go with your move!

Please do not dispose of your childrens toys. My mother gave away a lot of my toys and books and I never forgave her. I am 81 now and still cannot believe she could have given away my things. I have two daughters in their fifties and I kept all their toys unless they decided to give them away themselves. They still have some of their books and odd toys now! We laugh about it and they roll their eyes when I start moaning about all my things being given away but honestly it still hurts, time to let go I think.

This is hilarious. What child has an inventory of all their toys or would even notice ‘a good clear out’ of the tatty old stuff. When my daughter moved out I said take everything you want and I’ll bin the rest. No way am I being your spare storage facility.

Can you encourage them to donate things to charity, or maybe do a carboot sale and let them keep the proceeds for a day out.

I’m ruthless when it comes to stuff like this. The way I usually sell it to dc is that we need to make room for new things that they’ll love.

Obviously favourite comforters/toys I’d never even consider it. Plastic tat from magazines usually gets broken within the first week, so it’ll go in the bin. I do a big run to the charity shop in the run up to Christmas. Then there’s this barn near us that will buy used toys. That’s usually an incentive enough as they get to keep the money.

@OccasionallyFlagging

My DH is 65. He still has unresolved anger/resentment/regret over the beloved toys his mother gave away, and for many years he was a borderline hoarder. Just give them a toy box each and say the rest will be going to storage, but explain they will get them back.

DM is similar - she still talks about how things were given away as hand-me-downs whether or not she was willing to part with them.

She, too, is a borderline hoarder. Not at the level of keeping literal trash, but she has an awful lot of items she's collected (particularly in one favourite category) in a small home, and struggles to let go of things that are no longer useful or relevant.

Do it the other way around. A bag/box for the rental each and the rest into storage. Then once you're settled back home, tackle it.

I was a military brat who spent half my childhood with stuff in storage/asked to get rid of toys at points of great change like moving country. I definitely have hoarding issues because of it.

I ought to add that DM - aware of her own issues and their source - was very careful never to throw away anything of mine without my permission - despite never having much space. As a result I don't struggle with chucking stuff out like she does.

Likewise she never forced me to keep eating what was on my plate past the point where I was full - and I've never struggled with my weight as an adult as I was never forced to ignore the "I'm full" signals.

“ Please do not dispose of your childrens toys. My mother gave away a lot of my toys and books and I never forgave her. I am 81 now and still cannot believe she could have given away my things. ”

I’m going to bet that 80 years ago you had far far fewer toys and books than a modern child. Thanks to over indulgent grandparents I literally have a room in my house full of toys - maybe 12 big storage boxes worth just of Polly pocket, barbie, Sylvanian families, Lego, cars, trains etc etc, plus another 4 of craft materials and paper. Plus soft toys in beds, big toys like bikes, doll prams, paddling pools… plus all the baby and toddler stuff (now mostly disposed of). Then there’ll be more when they’re older, consoles and board games. Floor to ceiling bookcase of books (probably the same again I’ve already got rid of). Are you seriously suggesting I keep all that, plus all the McDonald’s toys, party bag tat etc just in case? My six year old would keep absolutely everything, but in the real world it’s just not possible. I don’t somehow see them wanting to address it as teenagers or young adults. When am I allowed to get rid of stuff? Do I have to keep all their clothes too?

It’s just stuff.

@Deadleaf29

“ Please do not dispose of your childrens toys. My mother gave away a lot of my toys and books and I never forgave her. I am 81 now and still cannot believe she could have given away my things. ”

I’m going to bet that 80 years ago you had far far fewer toys and books than a modern child. Thanks to over indulgent grandparents I literally have a room in my house full of toys - maybe 12 big storage boxes worth just of Polly pocket, barbie, Sylvanian families, Lego, cars, trains etc etc, plus another 4 of craft materials and paper. Plus soft toys in beds, big toys like bikes, doll prams, paddling pools… plus all the baby and toddler stuff (now mostly disposed of). Then there’ll be more when they’re older, consoles and board games. Floor to ceiling bookcase of books (probably the same again I’ve already got rid of). Are you seriously suggesting I keep all that, plus all the McDonald’s toys, party bag tat etc just in case? My six year old would keep absolutely everything, but in the real world it’s just not possible. I don’t somehow see them wanting to address it as teenagers or young adults. When am I allowed to get rid of stuff? Do I have to keep all their clothes too?

It’s just stuff.

Totally agree with this. In previous generations most children would get a toy for Christmas or birthdays and that was it for the year. So obviously those toys were more precious and cherished.

Totally different for lots of children nowadays. My kids are always getting presents, toys attached to comics or party bags full of trinkets. There is very little they appreciate at all. It’s a shame in some ways, there was a benefit to toys being rarer and more treasured as a result.

Think those deciding how their children feel are taking a big risk.

In Dayna White's Slob Who Comes Clean podcast she talks about the container concept. The logic being that you can only keep what will fit in the space that it will go in - so the baddie becomes the container, not you. I'm wondering if another approach to it would be rather than to focus on what they would be losing, get your children a big plastic lidded box each, and get them to put their favourite toys that they want to keep in those boxes. The rule is that it must all fit in the box and the lid still fit on.

movinghelprequired

Apologies if I inadvertently worded that a little harshly - I was trying to put the situation to you from another perspective and was in no way trying to lay any guilt on to you.