To think a lie in doesn't count as my "me time"

[Kinsters]

I had a lie in this morning while DH got up with our daughter (7:30am so not unreasonably early and he was awake anyway). Later in the day I entertained her for an hour or so while DH played video games.

AIBU to think that these two are not equal? For context I do all the night wake ups for our daughter (blessedly a lot less now but I still find myself waking often) I am also tired because I'm pregnant hence the lie in.

We are not tit for tat about these things so it doesn't really matter, I'm just curious what others think.

I don’t think it’s the same. It’s more equivalent to working lates and therefore having a different sleep patterns. You wouldn’t suggest someone who sleeps 4am - 12pm due to work be having ‘me time’ every time they sleep until noon.

Laughs in lone parent to 3 kids.

No judgment. Continue.

@queenMab99

Having sufficient sleep is a necessity, Playing video games isn't. Also who normaly gets up first?

DH is normally up first during the week. DD is a little night owl so late to bed and late to wake up (but not this morning for some reason).

Tbh I think everything'll be quite different once DD sleeps more reliably and I'm not in the first trimester. I've been doing the first trimester for about 7 months because of miscarriages so I'm definitely more exhausted than I usually am.

Lone parents have all my sympathy, can't imagine how hard this would be to do alone.

It sounds very transactional!!!
Instead of “entertaining” your daughter for an hour whilst your husband has ‘me time’ why don’t you get out and do something nice together with your daughter? Say both of you go out for a scooter ride and a milkshake or something??then it’s fun for you too. I really believe people need to have fun alongside their children, not sit silently simmering, “entertaining” them

@Peanutbuttercupisyum

It sounds very transactional!!! Instead of “entertaining” your daughter for an hour whilst your husband has ‘me time’ why don’t you get out and do something nice together with your daughter? Say both of you go out for a scooter ride and a milkshake or something??then it’s fun for you too. I really believe people need to have fun alongside their children, not sit silently simmering, “entertaining” them

Who says I was silently simmering whilst entertaining her? As I said, this isn't a big issue, I was just interested what other people think. Clearly the word entertaining has got to you in some way...she's one, I entertain her by playing with her...not sure what else to call it!

And actually we can't go out. I'm not in the UK and we're in a very strict lockdown here so thanks for your snarky advice but it's not as "helpful" as you think.

No, "me time" only starts once you've both had equivalent sleep (which may not be exactly the same numbrr of hours of sleep, you may need more total hours because yours is broken for example).

Pregnancy is also another layer, my husband did both the night wakings and the early morning today at his own suggestion because I'm pregnant (he'll do the night wakings tonight and have a lie in tomorrow but he wanted me to have one over the weekend, I'll do the mornings throughout the week, he always does the nights unless working).

No, "me time" only starts once you've both had equivalent sleep (which may not be exactly the same numbrr of hours of sleep, you may need more total hours because yours is broken for example).

Definitely agree. Ex used to sometimes 'let me sleep ' for an hour on the weekend after he'd woken up 8.30am, I'd been up at 5.30am and also done all the night wakings, and then act pleased that he'd evened us up. After a while I realised that no matter how much he needed 8 hours sleep for his mental health, a better partner would have realised that my mental health was also not benefiting from 6 hours of broken sleep a night.

Assuming your lie in was an hour or two and not all morning then it’s definitely not in the “me time” category. Your DH is bringing it back up to even by doing the morning. Then any time whilst you’re both awake can be negotiated.

If you’re up in the night then you absolutely need a bit of extra sleep. It’s not leisure time.

YANBU

OP,

Repeated miscarriages are absolutely shattering.

Trying to stay well is very important.

Has your husband ANY idea how hard on the body it is to repeatedly try and make a baby?

You need your rest.
He is not doing you a "favour" allowing you badly needed rest.

I would be very wary about a relationship where this was the case.

Watch your iron and ferritin levels.

I don't think a lie in counts as extra sleep if you were up in the night, just catching up. So given you are doing all night wakings, no I don't think they're equivalent.

@billy1966

OP,

Repeated miscarriages are absolutely shattering.

Trying to stay well is very important.

Has your husband ANY idea how hard on the body it is to repeatedly try and make a baby?

You need your rest.
He is not doing you a "favour" allowing you badly needed rest.

I would be very wary about a relationship where this was the case.

No, he's not like. He doesn't begrudge the lie ins at all. I just made the thread off the back of a throwaway comment made when we had a small disagreement about whether we should start preparing dinner or continue chilling out 😂

*not like that.

I would say that they probably are an equivalence in terms of 'doing things for the other partner' but not interchangeable.

Fwiw, when we had young children, DH and I had a designated weekend day when we had the morning to ourselves. He'd get up and out to play football on a Saturday, and on Sunday I'd use it to sleep in and then read in bed drinking coffee (and if I was lucky I'd have a bacon sandwich delivered to me at about 10.30 ). It worked well because it managed expectations.

We also had an evening a week to ourselves - to socialise, play sports, etc. You weren't allowed to complain that you were being left at home on your own with the children again because you had equal rights to do the same the next night or whatever. Again, expectation management.

We still take it in turns to put them to bed even though it's literally 7 minutes to supervise tooth brushing, do cuddles and kisses, negotiate lights off time and then leave the room. It's not a hardship any more but it's how we did it for so long when it was hellish that it's how we work!

I think your title is misleading so the responses are not referring to what actually happened.
Yes, a 'lie in' is equivalent of any other 'me time'.
But a 'lie in' is not what you had - you were just finishing off a normal nights sleep with was disturbed by night wakings.

Had you both gone to bed at 12, slept through, he got up at 8 amd you at 10 - that's a lie in. Getting up at 10 having been up 2-4am is not a lie in.

YANBU. When you're exhausted from lack of sleep, especially having to wake during the night to care for a child, you physically need that catch-up sleep. "Me time" is time you spend doing hobbies, self-pampering, or zoning out on the phone.

Me-time could in theory be a nap, but it would be a lazy, indulgent nap, not a "collapsing onto the sofa as soon as you get a chance because you're sleep-starved" nap.

@LadyCatStark

Why does everyone need so much “me time” nowadays? DS is only 12 but when he was little you just got on with life and did what needed to be done!

Agreed, and it always sounds competitive.

YABU they are the same, but he should probably cut you some slack as you are pregnant

Its equivalent usually however in your situation it doesnt count as 'me time'. You're not getting any extra sleep than your partner overall. Probably less overall because you're up in the night. So in this case, you're using your 'me time's on night wakings / recovering from night wakings and he is using his 'me time' for gaming. I know which most people would choose

I do all night wakings, DH gets up in the morning. This seems totally fair to both of us.

@LittleTiger007

YABU they are the same, but he should probably cut you some slack as you are pregnant

I don't understand how people can be saying they are the same when OP is only sleeping in to make up for the night wakings she does all of? They're getting the same amount of sleep, and then only he is getting "me time" on top of that.

@Snookie00

Why do you think it’s not equivalent? You chose to sleep during your “me” time and he chose to play computer games. If he’d gone for a nap would that not have counted “me” time?

There’s a separate discussion whether he should be doing more of the night wakings. Does he refuse to get up in the night?

If one partner needs more sleep then there's an argument that they should perhaps do less.

Let's take it to an extreme. Mum needs 16 hours sleep a day. Dad needs 6. DD needs 12 hours of care on a weekend. Mum does 6, leaving her 2 hours to do everything else (2 hours chores). Dad does 6 hours, leaving 10 spare. He decides to match mum's 2 hours of chores and then gets pissed for 8 hours. On the one hand fair, on the other hand completely unfair.

@Kinsters

Can you ask for a bit of time to yourself while he puts her to bed?

‘Me time’ at 7am is not the same as me time at 5-6pm. You won’t go for a drink at 7am but you will later on. And to top it off you are pregnant! You need all the ‘me time’.

Sorry, for all the posts that seem so bitter, I don’t understand mumsnetters sometimes.

@LadyCatStark
Parenting a child a decade ago is different to now. Even parenting today, will be different in a years time, maybe there could be a norm where fathers have the baby for a day? Or they don’t get called superheroes for doing their bit? I mean who knows?

And ‘me time’ probably works for a lot parents, it helps them maintain a good family relationship why shot it down?

I don’t think they are they same. We have a 2 year old and take it in turns to do mornings and we each get a lie in on one day over the weekend. We also make sure we each have time over the weekend to do our own thing. Catching up on sleep when you’ve had interrupted sleep and pregnancy and playing video games are not the same thing.