To be upset with friend ignoring me now that he has a girlfriend?

[kitty5555]

I have a friend of about 15 years, he is a male. He is my closest friend!
I made sure I was not leading him on as we did have a conversation at the beginning of the friendship whether to get together, which he initiated. I did not want to, and he eventually said he also didn't and "loved me as a friend." We have since had many conversations and platonic adventures, and he has always been profusely reassuring that he thinks I'm just fab as a person etc.

After all these years, he now has a girlfriend for the first time and I really have seen a major decline in our communications etc. Of course this was always to be expected, I think it would be naive of me to want to remain the main woman is his life forever - and I wouldn't even want to. I want him to be happy with somebody.

I think what upsets me is the thoughts I get that all these years he was only really talking to me and reassuring me because deep down he was hoping we would eventually get together, which makes me think our friendship was not rooted in mutual enjoyment of each other's time and contribution but just in his hope of "getting some"?

For instance, he'd normally be willing to talk whenever, even if just for 30 minutes, if I had a problem. He'd even step out of work to just have a chat if I was feeling down etc (which I would obviously do for him too, although I've found he was much less reliant on my support than I was on him.) Whereas now my messages are sporadically answered, and he virtually never suggests phone calls anymore.

I don't know, part of me feels like I'm being horribly entitled but the other part is just disappointed that the one friend who I thought really liked me and continued to give me that impression for 15 years was actually just looking to get something from me?

Also, I do genuinely think he is a cool guy, very funny, charismatic and chatty but just never had that romantic spark.

Also, I think this is exacerbated by all of my other friends being more of acquaintances and relations. It feels like his departure has created this gap in my life now.

If your bst friend had been a woman, a similar thing would have happened. Partly because in the first throws of falling in love, the rest of the world dissolves and partly because for long-term single people, friendship does replace, to a large extent, time that ideally would be spent with a partner. His friendship will probably return but it will never be as intense if he now has a partner to share activities and chats with. that's normal, whether between same sex or male/female friends.

I had the same experience with my female friend when she got together with a partner. Our jaunts and conversations petered out because she was wrapped up in her relationship with him. She hadn't been my friend in the hope that she'd get something from me because we both fancy men. I never took it badly because I understood why.

I think it's natural for there to be a separation in opposite sex friendships when someone gets into a new relationship. She may not feel comfortable with him spending time during his day just chatting to you etc.
I would invite them both around for dinner or drinks, that way she can see that you have no interest in him and him saying yes, or no, will prove whether he really is a friend or he wanted you romantically.

I had one of those

An attentive and great friend when single, completely ignoring you when not. Then running back when single again.

Finally fobbed him off because of it

I think yabu. If he hoping to get with you, that's a pretty long game of 15years that he played. Also it seems like he was a very good friend to you, and maybe you relied on him more than he did with you. He seems like a good friend who is in a new relationship, I think you should give him some space.

He stepped out of work for you to chat when you felt down?

That's very enmeshed for a friendship. Nobody has enough emotional energy to keep that shit up for two people, surely?

You don't want him, but you don't really want anyone else to have him either.

Men almost always ditch their female friends once they have a girlfriend in my experience.

Its not necessarily because they were holding out for more (although they might be), just that the female companionship and emotional support needs are now filled by the girlfriend.

Men are quite pragmatic about friendships. If it's no longer what they need, they will stop putting the effort in.

I have been through this before and I understand but I'm afraid that goes with the territory.

Think of it from his girlfriend's perspective: a female best friend is likely to create trust issues. Even if she isn't jealous and hasn't said something, a very close friend of the other sex is uncomfortable and difficult to negotiate in a brand new relationship. That doesn't mean he can't be your friend, but its natural that he's prioritising her emotional comfort over yours.

It does sound as if he previously had some designs on you.

I'm sure you can remain friends but its probably not realistic to maintain the same level of intensity. If you want the friendship to continue you'll have to accept a need to take a step back to some extent and reset it.

Do you know the girlfriend? Getting to know her and subtly putting her mind at rest about this is probably the most effective step you can take if you want him to remain a close friend.

Have tou been in a relationship/s during this 15 years?

In my experience people do spend a lot less time with you when they’re coupled up.

@FrankButchersDickieBow

You don't want him, but you don't really want anyone else to have him either.

Was going to say the same thing

I was with you until this:

“ For instance, he'd normally be willing to talk whenever, even if just for 30 minutes, if I had a problem. He'd even step out of work to just have a chat if I was feeling down etc (which I would obviously do for him too, although I've found he was much less reliant on my support than I was on him.”

Sounds like you have been using him a bit as an emotional crutch, and yourself stepping beyond the boundaries of an appropriate, boundaried, mutual, friendship. I would have had more sympathy if what you missed was hanging out/ having fun times together. Not someone to call in the middle of the working day when you are feeling low (who also doesn’t ask / require the same support from you..) given this I think YABU. I think you need to Work on building some closer female friends.

Whether your best friend is a man or woman, straight or gay, it is 100% normal and usual for the relationship to change when they are in a new relationship. Nothing to do with him fancying you or not. Everything to do with all us us getting caught up in a new relationship not having the same time for our long standing friends for a while.

I agree with Bizawit too in terms of how you have been using him.

I think he probably realised how one sided your friendship was and cut loose. You need to do the same. Everything you described is really unhealthy

I think you have been way too reliant on him for emotional support over the years and you’re only just discovering how reliant you were now he isn’t around as much. Totally understandable to be dropped a little when they’ve met someone new, he’ll want to spend all of his spare time with her.

He never suggests phone calls now because he is busy. He is spending time with his girl friend. This is no reflection on you or how he feels about you. Arrange to do some friendly things together. Have a drink one night. Maybe ask to go out with him and his girlfriend another night. If he likes her, who knows, you might also like her and gain an additional friend (rather than lose a friend).

He found somebody who sees him "like that" ie not like a friend.
Give him space. He is on the very surface of it a friend in a new relationship.

If he enjoyed chasing after unavailable women then definitely back off and give his relationship a chance

I can only speak from personal experience but maybe your dependance on him as your emotional support and you expecting nothing to change even though his life has now got a major other person in it comes across as a massive pain in the arse.

When I met my last DP he had a female friend who made it quite clear from day one she was going to be hanging around even telling me I had to get used to her being around. She would constantly call him when she knew we were together, find out which bar or club we were going to and turn up even booking into the same hotel when we were at an event in another town

You might think you're just trying to hold onto your friendship but often the female BFF can come across as jealous of her mate moving on

Unfortunately this is how I think most men are.

Men almost always ditch their female friends once they have a girlfriend in my experience.

OP, YANBU for feeling upset, but I found this to be true.

I had a boyfriend when I was a teenager, then later I moved to a different country for good, and met someone else, so I suggested "lets be friends", as a way to break up, but surprisingly, we did become friends.

We were friends for something like 5 years, mostly over the internet, as we were living in different countries. Talked to each other pretty often. Whenever I came back to visit my family, we would meet up for a coffee, etc. He would tell me about his girlfriends and ask about my boyfriend.

But once he met his now wife, he completely disappeared from my life. Not a single message over the last 10+ years. I felt a bit hurt, tbh.
I valued our friendship and I thought he did too.

Thank you to all, I'm new here and not sure how to reply to individual posts (I'm also on the desktop computer, not app.)

I relied on calls and messaged because we have been living in different countries for a while.

Re: "You don't want him, but you don't really want anyone else to have him either." I'm sorry but that is just not true. I said in my post I am happy for him. I am religious and have actually prayed for him to get with someone, because I thought it was unhealthy for him to have me as the only woman in his life.

The only thing is I didn't expect to be near completely dropped off the radar. I got married and have children and still did not just stop communicating.

I do get some peace of mind from the words of most posters here, that it is natural for most people to distance themselves once they get into a relationship. This makes me think our friendship was actually real and I can cherish the good memories instead of indulging in the negative thoughts.

If this is the first time in your acquaintance that he's had a girlfriend, I think it's inevitable that your friendship dynamics will shift and understandable that you might feel a bit put out. You probably won't see him as much for now, but try to keep up the contact, without being too demanding or needy (not saying you have been) and making it clear that you're pleased for him. Agree with a PP about inviting them both over or out for a drink at some point. Hopefully the new gf will be fine with him having female friends - if not, that might be the biggest pain.

I have been through something similar recently - except I knew my close male friend wanted to find a girlfriend and when he did, our relationship would change. I was prepared but of course it still hurts. I was effectively his surrogate girlfriend while he was single (and him my surrogate boyfriend) and I miss him terribly.

But he just doesn't "need" a close female friend now he has a girlfriend. Sad but true. I'm happy for him. He's got what he wanted. But I'm also sad for me as I feel left behind. In the end I have decided to take a break from having contact from him as I found it upsetting to go from so much contact (seeing him up to 4 times a week, in touch every day) to hearing from him sporadically and him only being willing to meet for an hour on the occasional weeknight after work.

It's life I'm afraid. We just have to appreciate the good times we had and be kind to ourselves now things have changed. I feel like I am grieving for him but life goes on and we have to adjust and make the most of new opportunities - and make new friends.

Also addressing some of the posters regarding my "using" him. Please don't image that I'd be blowing up his phone every day demanding to be spoken to during work etc. I was just saying that on rare occasions when I was upset and send a message to that effect he would himself suggest a phone conversation. I do agree though that I very likely became overly reliant on his friendly emotional support .