To be upset with friend ignoring me now that he has a girlfriend?

[kitty5555]

I have a friend of about 15 years, he is a male. He is my closest friend!
I made sure I was not leading him on as we did have a conversation at the beginning of the friendship whether to get together, which he initiated. I did not want to, and he eventually said he also didn't and "loved me as a friend." We have since had many conversations and platonic adventures, and he has always been profusely reassuring that he thinks I'm just fab as a person etc.

After all these years, he now has a girlfriend for the first time and I really have seen a major decline in our communications etc. Of course this was always to be expected, I think it would be naive of me to want to remain the main woman is his life forever - and I wouldn't even want to. I want him to be happy with somebody.

I think what upsets me is the thoughts I get that all these years he was only really talking to me and reassuring me because deep down he was hoping we would eventually get together, which makes me think our friendship was not rooted in mutual enjoyment of each other's time and contribution but just in his hope of "getting some"?

For instance, he'd normally be willing to talk whenever, even if just for 30 minutes, if I had a problem. He'd even step out of work to just have a chat if I was feeling down etc (which I would obviously do for him too, although I've found he was much less reliant on my support than I was on him.) Whereas now my messages are sporadically answered, and he virtually never suggests phone calls anymore.

I don't know, part of me feels like I'm being horribly entitled but the other part is just disappointed that the one friend who I thought really liked me and continued to give me that impression for 15 years was actually just looking to get something from me?

Also, I do genuinely think he is a cool guy, very funny, charismatic and chatty but just never had that romantic spark.

@WildBluebell

Men almost always ditch their female friends once they have a girlfriend in my experience.

OP, YANBU for feeling upset, but I found this to be true.

I had a boyfriend when I was a teenager, then later I moved to a different country for good, and met someone else, so I suggested "lets be friends", as a way to break up, but surprisingly, we did become friends.

We were friends for something like 5 years, mostly over the internet, as we were living in different countries. Talked to each other pretty often. Whenever I came back to visit my family, we would meet up for a coffee, etc. He would tell me about his girlfriends and ask about my boyfriend.

But once he met his now wife, he completely disappeared from my life. Not a single message over the last 10+ years. I felt a bit hurt, tbh.
I valued our friendship and I thought he did too.

This is really similar to my situation, we have been living in different countries too, and chat online with varied degree of frequency over the years.

People say that it's normal for people to distance from friends / grow apart when they have another key relationship in their lives but I do think the total drop off the radar after years of friendship is just a bit excessive and does make you wonder - did they always have just a little bit of hope things would pan out? In your situation - interesting that they were happy to meet and chat when they must have not consider their girlfriend as "serious" but once they were, it's a "bye" for you :/

I am also a little miffed because there was a point in time when my husband was not entirely happy about my having this friend. I did consider cutting contact but it just didn't feel fair to do this to the friend. So feeling like he is just fine cutting me out is a bit sad.

Just a little thing I picked up on in the OP - you've repeatedly had reassurances that he only sees you as a friend.

Who was asking that often and why?

Was he pushing boundaries and you wanted to check? Or were you coyly asking for affirmation that really he did fancy you?

Because fifteen years is a long time to bug someone about secretly fancying you, and to then leap to the conclusion that he was holding out for something more with you when he ENTIRELY NORMALLY switches focus to his new relationship...

@thecatsthecats

Just a little thing I picked up on in the OP - you've repeatedly had reassurances that he only sees you as a friend.

Who was asking that often and why?

Was he pushing boundaries and you wanted to check? Or were you coyly asking for affirmation that really he did fancy you?

Because fifteen years is a long time to bug someone about secretly fancying you, and to then leap to the conclusion that he was holding out for something more with you when he ENTIRELY NORMALLY switches focus to his new relationship...

I meant I was seeking reassurances that I was not bothering him, I was not being boring, that he in fact did enjoy talking to me.

I have always felt a bit guilty for relying on him for emotional support, because I did suspect maybe he was only doing it because he fancied me and not because he actually liked listening to me - and I knew I'd never be able to reciprocate on the romantic level.

Time for a Snl friendzone skit....

Sorry op, just sounds to me he's being a bit preoccupied and thoughtless and you're a bit harsh to say he's been holding out for years to get in your knickers. I mean there's playing the long game... And then there's this...

When I met my partner he had a few female friends but one in particular he was very close to. He admitted he used to have feelings for her (she never did for him) but he said it was a long time ago. I'll be honest I didn't like their relationship. As someone upthread said it was like they were boyfriend and girlfriend but without the sex. All their friends used to joke they were like an old married couple. When he started dating me she changed towards him. Started messaging him more and asking him for lots of help with things like DIY and tagging him on social media when she had never done that before in all their years of friendship. Thankfully he noticed and made the decision to back off from the friendship. If he hadn't I think I would have dumped him. The kind of emotional relationship they had wouldn't work if they had partners. He still has plenty of other female friends that he has normal healthy relationships with.