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Original poster

Forgivenesss, how do you move on?

43 replies

Highfivemum · 18/06/2021 07:00

I am really struggling as I cannot forgive a close family member for something they did. And I am Know I never ever will but it eats away at me. I think the issue is I forgave so often in the past as I always say life is too short and also to keep others happy but on this occasion a certain boundary was crossed and it like has totally shut me down to ever forgiving. People say if you forgive you can move on. But I can’t. So how have others managed to move forward.? How do you Deal with that sickness in the pit of your stomach you feel when you think about how you were treated from someone who is suppose to love you. ? Do you try and forget ? This final incident happened over a year ago now but it hurts so much still.

OP posts:
Tooshytoshine · 18/06/2021 07:19

You don't have to forgive them. You just need to accept it and who they are, then move on.

And understand it is not your fault and there is nothing you could have done differently...

ComtesseDeSpair · 18/06/2021 07:22

I think it depends whether it was something done out of maliciousness or just ignorance, accident or thoughtlessness etc; and whether they’ve apologised. I think without the latter it’s difficult to move on, and obviously if they did what they did to intentionally hurt or upset you then actually, you don’t need to forgive them if you don’t want to.

I think it’s useful to acknowledge that we judge others by their actions but ourselves by our intentions, and think about whether the person who’s hurt or upset you intended the result they did. It can help you to decide whether you can or want to forgive.

Flippittyflopperty · 18/06/2021 08:22

I think in order to be able to forgive, you have to be sure that this is just a facet of that person’s personality and not completely who they are.
We are all capable of being utter shits but it’s usually not the whole picture. Intent to do harm is also a huge factor and what I base goodness/badness on.
What I mean is, are they capable of being kind/loving to you? Was the incident a one off? If there’s more to them than this incident, you maybe able to focus on their goodness. If it’s a pattern though, it’s a problem - and very hard to get over.

tillytown · 18/06/2021 08:24

I will never forgive my brother, he is dead to me. I tried to forgive him, but I couldn't, the anger just kept coming back, so I cut him out of my life. Maybe that's too extreme for you, but I much prefer it to the constant feelings of hate.
Sorry you are hurting, some people really suck.

Babdoc · 18/06/2021 08:28

OP, even God does not forgive sinners until they genuinely repent, and make amends.
Has this person made a genuine apology to you, are they contrite, do they intend to never repeat the offence?
If not, then there is no obligation on you to forgive them.

Cyranosbestie · 18/06/2021 08:36

Firstly I am very sorry for whatever it is you have been through Thanks

We could look at this a little differently. Forgiveness can be an act of no longer letting the other person have any power over your thoughts and feelings. By forgiving in this sense, you are not saying that whatever happened or the person concerned is ok. You are letting go. You are giving yourself permission to let go of the past and break any hold this person has over you. It takes time but it is possible.

ChocolateHelps · 18/06/2021 08:46

I think this feeling is sometimes like the feeling of absolute regret and annoyance after a seemingly preventable accident. If someone crosses a boundary and you 'let' them. It can feel like something that shouldn't have happened / you should have done something different / they should have done something different.

You can't go back but you can change your perspective on things.

I struggle with this and an NC with a close family member but I'm actively seeking out information to help me change my perspective...I'm not there yet! These have all helped...I'll find some book and podcast lists and add to this thread

ChocolateHelps · 18/06/2021 08:47

This had me shouting in the car in agreement when I listened to this (on my own!).

brenebrown.com/podcast/harriet-lerner-and-brene-im-sorry-how-to-apologize-why-it-matters/

ChocolateHelps · 18/06/2021 08:48

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0007572603/ref=cmswwrcppawdbimmmDQ93H492S1PSZAP6NJQ6?encoding=UTF8&psc=1

If South Africans can forgive....if parents can forgive someone who killed their child...inspiring

ChocolateHelps · 18/06/2021 08:51

Boundaries are so powerful. Have you ever met anyone who demonstrated incredibly firm but kind boundary setting
? It's actually really rare but when someone has that skill you can literally ask anything of them, safe in the knowledge that they will do what's right for them and kindly tell you 'yes' or 'no that doesn't work for me but let's discuss what you actually want / need and see if there's another way I can help'.

www.legends.report/brene-brown-how-to-set-boundaries-to-increase-your-compassion-for-others/

pointythings · 18/06/2021 08:54

Forgiveness has to be for your benefit, and if you are not ready then you are not ready. Forcing it will not help you find peace.

I haven't forgiven my late husband for the things he did in the last 5 years of our marriage when he was in the grip of alcohol addiction, and I'm perfectly at peace with that. It will either come or it won't.

Original poster
Highfivemum · 18/06/2021 08:54

Thank you all for your comments.
No never an apology and yes it was an act that they knew would be like sticking a knife in me. They have over the years hurt me on numerous occasions and I have allowed myself to put up with it as they are close family and I hate conflict. For this there is no going back and it just east away at me. In the past they creep back into my life with an important message about a loved one and I then respond and then it all starts again. This time though I literally feel ill with how they thought what they did was ok when they knew to me it was the lowest of the low. They knew it would hurt me so much and that’s where I struggle. I think my issue is that I don’t want to to fall out with people it is not my way but I literally cannot have anymore to do with them. My DB who cut contact with this persons years ago due to the way they treated me previously has managed to just cut ties and doesn’t talk or mention them again. When he heard about last year he was seething and keeps saying forget them they are not worth it. I just struggle to stop thinking about it. I think the biggest issue is Not the betrayal but the fact they knew the best way to hurt me and did. I juts so wish I could be like my DB and just forget they exist.

OP posts:
Original poster
Highfivemum · 18/06/2021 08:55

[quote ChocolateHelps]This had me shouting in the car in agreement when I listened to this (on my own!).

brenebrown.com/podcast/harriet-lerner-and-brene-im-sorry-how-to-apologize-why-it-matters/[/quote]
Thank you. Will take a listen.

OP posts:
speakout · 18/06/2021 08:57

I think the whole fashionable idea of forgiveness is over rated.
I had some terrible things done to me in the past by my ex husband. I will never forgive him, but I am healed.

I rarely thing about the hurt caused and it causes me no pain.
I am stronger and wiser.
I don't need to forgive to move on.

WhenZoomWasJustAnIceLolly · 18/06/2021 09:00

There are things I haven’t forgiven. At least, I don’t think I have. I have dealt with it so it doesn’t eat away at me but things can never go back to how they were before the thing happened.

Forget the person, OP and just focus on managing it so you aren’t controlled by it.

BlackeyedSusan · 18/06/2021 09:02

It takes time to recover. Some injuries are very deep and will take longer.

For your own sake you need to find peace... And probably ditch them like your brother did

Merryoldgoat · 18/06/2021 09:03

You don’t need to forgive anyone. Accept they are horrible and unkind and move on.

Why can’t you just cut them out?

Original poster
Highfivemum · 18/06/2021 09:09

My DH and DB and close friends all believe I have cut them off. They all said it for years and years but I got sucked in again. This time they knew I was serious when I said I couldn’t ever forgive them . It’s just inside it still so so hurts me and I just wish it didn’t. I act like I am over it and they mean nothing to me etc but they did mean something to me And I so wanted to have a good relationship with them albeit the way they treated me. That’s sounds crazy when I write that !! I know I have to forget them. I just wish it was easy to do and I didn’t feel so incredible sick when I think of what they did to me.

OP posts:
LibrariesGiveUsPower45321 · 18/06/2021 09:10

There is a massive difference between forgiving and forgetting.

When you forgive you are basically letting go of punishment for the injustice. You aren’t going to make them pay/serve the sentence. You are letting go of the anger and making peace with yourself. You acknowledge what they did was wrong, and that really they deserve punishment for it, but you are cutting that off and moving on. You are denying them their power by not letting the anger eat you up.

However you won’t forget. You look at them as someone you can’t trust, who is likely to hurt you again, and treat them as such. In your case it sounds like you need to go no contact. If they message you, ignore them. Get a new phone, whatever it takes.

Original poster
Highfivemum · 18/06/2021 09:18

Sorry my update didn’t read write.
My DH and DB believe I have cut ties and it doesn’t bother me. The thing is it does.
I know I will never have a relationship again with the person. I can’t put myself through anymore of what they put me through last year and previously. I just wish I found it as easy as everyone else to not just cut ties but not let it still eat away at me and bother me so much.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 18/06/2021 09:21

It can take a whole long time IME.

You are clearly in a very raw and painful place right now. Perhaps there is some grieving to do first?

Gingernaut · 18/06/2021 09:29

Block this character now.

Sometimes it isn't down to forgiveness, it's down to accepting they are not worthy of your time.

Forgive yourself for allowing them into your life that one last time.

firstevernamechange · 18/06/2021 09:39

Op, but it's not easy to cut ties and you should allow yourself time to grief the relationship. Be kind to yourself, it's OK to miss this person and be hurt.

monicacat · 18/06/2021 09:45

Often it is very hard to let go and forgive.
However, if you keep making yourself available for such cruel treatment you are giving the person control over you.
They will have no respect for you or like you because you are so kind and forgiving. An abuser of any type only functions because they have someone to abuse.
If you give attention to this person they will enjoy it and simply try to destroy you again. You would not keep putting your hand in a fire so why do this.
It may be against your nature to go no contact and I think part of this is that we all like people to like us.
Picture yourself as a child.....would you let a child enter the arena again.
Also, while I am on a rant, it is easy for someone to say sorry but usually they are just sorry that they were caught out and discovered.
I hope that you are okay but please stop punishing yourself, be kind to yourself first.

Tal45 · 18/06/2021 10:37

You don't have to forgive. Don't see them, don't speak to them and don't have anything to do with them. Do what's right for you to move on.

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