Forgivenesss, how do you move on?

[Highfivemum]

I am really struggling as I cannot forgive a close family member for something they did. And I am Know I never ever will but it eats away at me. I think the issue is I forgave so often in the past as I always say life is too short and also to keep others happy but on this occasion a certain boundary was crossed and it like has totally shut me down to ever forgiving. People say if you forgive you can move on. But I can’t. So how have others managed to move forward.? How do you Deal with that sickness in the pit of your stomach you feel when you think about how you were treated from someone who is suppose to love you. ? Do you try and forget ? This final incident happened over a year ago now but it hurts so much still.

I agree with the PP who said you need to grieve first
I will never forgive the people who purposely hurt me, I grieved for what I thought we had and then I could move on
They want to come back into my life now after years of not seeing them
Over my dead body will they

Thank you all.

Hoping in time I can move on without that belly ache I seem to get when I remember. Was always taught forgiving is the way to heal but I literally could never forgive.

I don’t want to either.
Maybe I Shd not think about forgiving but come to terms with the fact that this person is cruel and it’s their issue not mine.

Some people don't deserve forgiveness except this person is one of them and don't feel guilt for a second for not forgiving them.
The hard part is getting over the pain they caused you.

Keeping hold negative emotions will keep the incident in your heart,mind,consciousness .
Letting go will free all of this.
What is holding on doing for you?bringing negative emotions of anger sadness and bitterness.They are winning by remaining in your head.
Negativity thrown into the universe will attract more.
Be brave and let go,be free.
To do this is not easy,not one bit,but it is worth it for you.so you can having nothing of them in your mind or conscious.
This is a huge challenge and many will scoff but everyone is unique so it's up to you if you want to give it a go.
You send them love and forgiveness.To set you free.
You will feel a lightness within you as you do this as the darkness leaves you,the shadows are cast out and love and peace and light fills you.🌈

This whole thing about anger being the bad guy and how we have to ‘let go’ or ‘forgive’ to feel ok is often a load of bollocks which people spout without really going into the details of how it actually works. There is no bloody need to forgive anyone as a ‘letting go’ thing. Forgiveness is a restitutive act between people more often than not which involves actual engagement in the process in order to mutually heal, grow and essentially find peace in relationship of some kind to one another.

Letting go on the other hand can mean you are perfectly comfortable with being angry about what harm was done to you from time to time, dealing with that as it comes up and refusing to allow that other person anywhere near you again - INCLUDING by feeling pressure to forgive because you’re told that’s the way to peace. Peace is not never feeling any negative emotions and smiling serenely from your forgiveness cloud. Peace is standing up for yourself by refusing to let what someone did consume you, allowing your NATURAL emotion of anger to be felt, and letting it pass. That’s when that person has no more
power to hurt you.

And anyone who tells you negative emotions are the enemy and you most forgive and live in light and all this stuff only experiencing positive emotions is in the grip of what they call a ‘spiritual bypass’ and is kidding themselves it is possible to live without experiencing the hard and painful emotions that are a normal and functional part of the human experience. It’s not. It’s how you relate to those difficult emotions that counts not denying you have them by forcing yourself to magically ‘forgive’ and feel only positive things.

SilverRoe

Wise words.

Forgiveness is over-rated.

It may be very individual, but the best way of healing for me was through completely cutting off the ties with those who hurt me.
I never ever want to see them again, I throw away their letters and postcards and delete their emails without reading, immediately. I know if I opened and read any of those messages, I'd be back to feeling miserable and bitter again.
I realised that this was the best way of dealing with hurt. I moved on, have and enjoy my own life, far away from them. They're dead to me, even though I don't wish them any harm.

This is such an interesting thread.
I’m not sure it’s even about forgiveness in your case, but being able to let go?
You see others cut them off and they make it look easy. Are you blaming yourself for letting them back in?

I blame myself for a similar reason, and I don’t want to be bitter and angry, so I try to block them out and “let them go” but it doesn’t really work.

Maybe it’s just time

I'm Hungarian.
we don't forgive.
we hold grudges and take them to our graves.

I'm also a Christian so I know I'm supposed to forgive & forget and so I try to do that, because that's what Jesus would do.
And because I know that holding grudges will only hurt me, not the other person.

But even if I get a sincere apology (or dozens, after one horrible betrayal) I sometimes just can't forgive.
I need time to let my hurt & anger mellow and hope that one day they just won't matter anymore.

However, I always try to put myself in the other person's shoes and see it from their point of view. I try my best to be understanding most of the time.

I'm sorry you are struggling with this.
it's tough

You don’t have to forgive, I will never forgive my sister for making a malicious referral to the social services against me, haven’t spoken to her in over a year and never will I forgive her or have her in my life.

@Taliskerskye

This is such an interesting thread. I’m not sure it’s even about forgiveness in your case, but being able to let go? You see others cut them off and they make it look easy. Are you blaming yourself for letting them back in?

I blame myself for a similar reason, and I don’t want to be bitter and angry, so I try to block them out and “let them go” but it doesn’t really work.

Maybe it’s just time

Sorry this is effecting you also. Thank you all for your comments. I know u are all right. I pretend I am over it and it doesn’t affect me but it does and you are all right I need to let go of it. I find myself constantly thinking about it and then how could someone be so cruel and I need to let go. In the past friends have hurt me as I am sure they have us all but being a close family member it just seems so so worse. They should have ur back and this has made me question so so much. Thank you all for your insights.

I guess it depends on a variety of factors:

• As a PP said, do you think they did it deliberately to hurt you or was it an accident?
• Would you ever want a relationship with them again (ie would the forgiveness be "worth it" anyway)?
• Was what they did so bad that most people would never get over it?
• Would forgiving them make you feel better or just more vulnerable?

I forgave someone something that was really hard but not a life changing thing and we have a wonderful connection now, I barely even think of it tbh. A relative of mine tried so hard to forgive a partner for cheating on her but ultimately it led to more hurt all round.

It's very individual

I have forgiven one person who did me harm, but it wasn’t malicious, they were young and selfish. And 15 years later we are back in each other’s life. I don’t think they would harm me again.

The person who did it maliciously- well o don’t think I’ll ever get over it. And I’m in the same position as you. It eats away at me. I hope they burn in hell. Then I hate myself for even thinking that.

I wish I could erase them from my memory

Only person who knows are my DH DB sand three very close friends. No way do I ever want anyone knowing. The mere thought brings up this feelings inside me and makes me feel sick. If I had one wish it would be to erase it. As even though it has been over a year I seem no further forward. If I have ever upset anyone it would be accidental as I would be mortified to think that I had just someone so much. Others I suppose don’t have a conscience. I was talking to another family member last week and they were saying how marvelous this person was. ( they do have a side where they act like they care ) I literally had to listen to it when I wanted to scream. No this is not the case. When they asked why were are no longer close I made an excuse about covid. I think I juts hope it will all go away.
They are some nasty people on the world and I really didn’t think one would be my close relative.

Op its not easy. I forgave yes but its hard to let it go. I was told at counselling let it go but she agreed not always easy.

Feeling the same OP & it's 2 years on for me. Best friend betrayed me & I can't get over it. It's the memories which have been tainted, some things I can't even talk about & knowing the friendship will never be the same, it's just superficial now. Daughter is involved also, it's devastating, tbh feel like I need to start AD. Let's hope time will make it easier. x

*Taliskerskye

The person who did it maliciously- well o don’t think I’ll ever get over it. And I’m in the same position as you. It eats away at me*

I am sorry for your hurt. But it is never too late for healing.