Would you have a second baby after all this?

[HonestlyFuckThis]

I had a baby last year, and safe to say pregnancy seriously did a number on me. I had an emergency c-section which took a long time to heal and has left me numb along three quarters of the length of my scar. Pregnancy also gave me gallstones, and so I had to have further surgery to remove my gallbladder. And I have now been diagnosed with a hernia which will need surgical repair (so third abdominal surgery in a year). I’ve also had recurring mastitis.

In addition, my baby is a shockingly bad sleeper. I spend the majority of most nights awake. It has given me chronic insomnia, so even when he sleeps, I don’t.

I was recently asked by my grandmother-in-law when I’m planning on having a second baby. Given my baby is less than a year old it’s about the furthest thing from my mind. I said to her not any time soon, and most likely never. Sometimes the only thing that gets me through the day is the knowledge that I never have to do this again.

Well, this went down like a cup of cold sick. She’s a forthright woman anyway, but she clearly saw it as her life’s mission to convince me there and then that I will want another baby eventually. She went on and on, couldn’t even accept me saying ‘we haven’t decided yet, we’ll decide in the future’, and said ridiculous and insulting things about how only children are ‘odd’

Obviously she was being rude and difficult, but I’m used to handling her so that’s not the issue. What I want to know is, is it really so crazy that after a bad birth, a hard first year and multiple serious health issues a woman might not want to go through it again?! She was honestly unable to believe that I wouldn’t consider all of those things completely worthwhile sacrifices for the sake of having a second baby. She kept on saying ‘but think about John*! Wasn’t he worth it!’, as if that’s the same thing.

I just felt like she saw me as nothing more than a vessel for producing offspring regardless of the personal cost to myself in doing so - like I should be happy to accept any amount of pain, illness and poor health for the sake of another child. She was offended and troubled at my suggestion that maybe a second baby just isn’t worth it.

I’m rambling a bit, but it’s playing on my mind. Is it really so unreasonable that after the year I’ve had I just don’t ever want to do it again?

*John is not my baby’s real name

YANBU. There’s not a cat in hell’s chance I’d be considering another in your position.

Took me 5 years to get over the trauma of childbirth coupled with a BAD sleeper. I've only just had baby #2 (which went much better and thankfully, she loves her sleep!)

Hey OP, some people decide one is enough even when they had a textbook pregnancy and birth, and perfect sleeper from day one. In fact some people never even want one. Nothing weird or unreasonable about that. Your desire to stop is understandable, but either way you don't need any kind of special reason to want to stop at one.

Maybe you'll change your mind someday, maybe you won't. That's fine, the only thing that matters is that you're happy with your decision, because you're the one who'll have to live with it.

Either way that's none of your GMIL's busines.

I think you should refuse any further discussion on this subject as clearly it won't be possible to come to any kind of agreement with her (and you shouldn't have to justify yourself anyway).

@Marty13 I think you’re right. I had to deploy a mumsnet tinkly laugh and practically shout that we would have to agree not to discuss it to get her off her soapbox.

It's up to you how many children you will have regardless of the type of pregnancy and birth you have had. You don't have to give her a reason as she isn't won't be the parent of any if your children.

She seems not to have gotten the memo that individual women now have the choice in choosing how many children they will have.

You need to as equally as blunt with her as she is being to you if being polite isn't getting you anywhere.

I just didn't want a second child so I didn't have one.
My only will be 20 in August and I've never regretted it for a minute.
Obviously you can be truthful if people ask, but generally, if you don't want to attract unwanted comments just smile and nod and change the subject.
I once was asked when Dd was about two when I'd be having another and I replied, "god never, I can't stand kids"
That was fun

People have been asking me about having another and my (premature, unwell but thank goodness doing well now) DS is only 10 weeks old!!

The birth was fine as it happens, but that's not the point - for my own health (physical during pregnancy, and mental during and after) and the health of a future baby (higher chance of another preemie) it is a no from me - not that you should have to justify the decision either way of course. But it is hard to hear those comments from people, I know

OP even if you had the easiest pregnancy and birth in the world and then had the best sleeping baby of all time and still only wanted one baby, that would still be 100% absolutely fine. It is no one else’s business but you and your DHs! I’d be telling GMIL to keep her opinions to herself next time. Rinse and repeat.

We’re not having another. I had a difficult pregnancy (HG from 6 weeks until delivery), the birth itself was ok but I was seriously unwell after due to blood loss and DS was in NICU. I had PTSD from the experience.

The way I see it, my son will benefit far more from having functioning, healthy and happy parents than he would ever do from having a sibling. He would be so sad if I was bed bound for months, and my husband has already said he can’t watch me do it to myself again. I would do it all again for DS in a heartbeat, but I wouldn’t do it for a hypothetical child I haven’t met yet, at the detriment of my existing child. I want to look after the one I already have.

You’re bound to experience social pressure of some kind as having an only child is still perceived as outside the norm by many. But it’s much more common now. And I think it’s less of an issue than when I was growing up because of that. I think we’ll have to parent slightly differently than would would have if DS had a sibling- be more willing to have friends over, potentially take other children on holiday with us etc, and I hope that will counterbalance some of the negatives of being an only child for him.

I said never again after an awful pregnancy with my first then I was hit by the sudden urge to have another about three years later, my in laws even asked if I’d got pregnant by accident as I’d been so adamant I wouldn’t have another! Second pregnancy was even worse for me 😟 but I know plenty of people who’ve happily stuck at one even with uneventful pregnancies.

If it vaguely helps, the older your DC gets, the less you'll be asked.
Do the smile and nod thing or come up with something else.
"When will you have another?"
"Oh, we won't, we've decided to get a giraffe instead"
"We'd love to, but only enough space in the boot of the Porsche for this one"
"Possibly when we get back from trekking in Outer Mongolia"
"Christ no, Fluffy, our new pet python might eat it"
"As soon as we sell this one we only want one at a time"

I hate the mentality that it’s “worth it” to go through difficult and traumatic labours (and on-going difficulties afterwords) to have a child, and actually find it really emotionally manipulative. Like obviously you love your child and wouldn’t say you wished you hadn’t had them. But the effect on your body and physical and mental health is totally separate to that.
I’m on an antenatal group on Facebook (my youngest is 3 months old) where women share their birth stories. I’ve noticed that if someone shares a traumatic one, people will comment “your baby is here safely now, and that’s all that matters!”. I think they think they’re being reassuring, but I just feel like- “no, that’s not all that matters!” It sort of sweeps women’s experiences under the carpet and has the mentality of “good little girl, you’ve done what’s biologically expected of you”- like you say OP, a mere vessel of reproduction. I always try to comment something along the lines of “I’m so sorry to hear you had such a difficult time, you sound incredibly strong and I hope you’re getting support moving forwards, well done and enjoy the newborn snuggles”- something that acknowledges what you may have been through.

OP good luck with what you decide. You don’t need to rush into any decisions. I have a 7 year gap between my two and I thought DD would be an only child for a long time- and I had a positive water birth with her!! And if you decide to have another, there are other options such as a planned section, which could be a more calm, controlled and positive experience for you (although I appreciate would be yet another abdominal surgery for you). But if you decide not to, that’s fine too. Take care

In your position, I would be thinking exactly what you are thinking. And no, babies aren't 'worth' the sacrifice of your health, wellbeing and sanity. The two are separate things... you can be happy to have your baby but aware that that's not something you would choose to put your body through again.

The only thing I would say is never say never. You don't have to... you don't owe anyone an explanation or a breakdown of your life plans. It is still very early after the birth of your first child and things are still very tough for you. I'm not insulting you by saying that you don't know your mind - I'm 100% sure you do! But time eases things, children become easier and sometimes the unthinkable becomes thinkable again. It's your prerogative to change (or not change!) your mind and everyone else should butt out! Since there is nothing wrong with either large age gaps or only children, it's really not something you have to give headspace to at the moment when you have so many other things to deal with.

Yes I would

Yes I would.

Not a chance! I had one, no regrets and she isn’t “odd”!

There’s a chance you may change your mind, but it’s no one else’s concern!

@pollylocketpickedapocket

Only children odd indeed! I’m an only child and do is my child and we’re much nicer people than this daft old bat!!! Tell her to piss off!

Well put

YANBU. It’s none of her business. It’s up to you how many children you have, regardless of how your birth went. Even if your birth was plain sailing you need time to get your head around things before contemplating another. I hate when new mums are asked that question. Give them time to enjoy this baby and recover! In your situation I would feel the same. You need to focus on your recovery and on this baby. Only children are not odd. Ignore her. Best just to fend off any questions from her with vagueness and changing the subject from now on. Hope you are feeling better soon OP. You’ve been through the ringer. All best for your recovery and congratulations on your baby. Xx

I'm assuming she is old. I got asked this by my dh's gran after I had my dd and ds in close succession and both via section. Neither delivery was something I enjoyed and my recovery took a while both times with lots of postnatal complications. I politely told her not any time soon and that I would decide if I had more kids. When else told her we were expecting our 3rd she congratulated us but wished my dh a long life. She had 8 kids, all natural and whilst i can't relate to her experience, she most definitely doesn't understand mine! No thought to the mother baring the kids but I have long since realised that inlaws will always focus on their own relative and not you. Even though I have a dd and ds already my mil said I could try again if this baby is a girl (she is but mil doesn't know yet). Never mind that whilst I am going to try for a vbac there is a high chance this will end up in a section again for me. There is just no concern or regard that a csection recovery takes longer to than a straight forward natural birth and that whilst I, like most mothers am up and taking care of my baby ASAP it doesn't mean that my insides have healed.

In contrast my own mum is worried about me potentially having surgery again and my dad told my dh that he doesn't want us to have more kids as he is worried about the toll the complications post surgery will have on my life longterm. Their overarching concern is for their child, me.

You don't even want to think of a second yet and your baby is small so I definitely get it, the only thing I would day is never say never. My ds was 3.5 years old before I considered trying for this baby before that I was adamant that I was done. Feelings change for some people as kids get older and easier. The main point is you don't need to justify yourself to anyone so don't!

Family members can be such entitled, opinionated shits. Close down the topic of conversation completely, refuse to engage next time anyone sticks their nose in. It’s the height of rudeness but many people just don’t see that.

Give it 18 months or so and see how you feel about your options - your baby is only one. It won’t always be this hard. Getting your health issues looked at is the priority.

The number of children you have is entirely up to you and your partner.

An only child was an anomaly for our generation and particularly your grandmother's generation where large families were the norm.

It took me 2.5 years to pluck up the courage to try for another and they was only with morning sickness and tricky baby years to contend with, and knowing I'd always wanted 2.

But I have several close friends and family who have stuck with 1. It's easier in some ways and harder in others but the kids are lovely and certainly not weird!!

I think you don’t need one more baby, you need one less rude cunt in your life.

It had an awful 1st pregnancy, ending with a silent reflux non- sleeping baby. It took me a long time till I was ready to even talk about having another one.

Honestly my second pregnancy was worse, but resulted in the most delightful baby who actually slept and I realised what it was supposed to be like!

It was worth it for me, my youngest has completed our family. She brings out the best in all of us and watching the two of them grow up together is amazing.

However there is absolutely no way I'll be doing it again!