Would you have a second baby after all this?

[HonestlyFuckThis]

I had a baby last year, and safe to say pregnancy seriously did a number on me. I had an emergency c-section which took a long time to heal and has left me numb along three quarters of the length of my scar. Pregnancy also gave me gallstones, and so I had to have further surgery to remove my gallbladder. And I have now been diagnosed with a hernia which will need surgical repair (so third abdominal surgery in a year). I’ve also had recurring mastitis.

In addition, my baby is a shockingly bad sleeper. I spend the majority of most nights awake. It has given me chronic insomnia, so even when he sleeps, I don’t.

I was recently asked by my grandmother-in-law when I’m planning on having a second baby. Given my baby is less than a year old it’s about the furthest thing from my mind. I said to her not any time soon, and most likely never. Sometimes the only thing that gets me through the day is the knowledge that I never have to do this again.

Well, this went down like a cup of cold sick. She’s a forthright woman anyway, but she clearly saw it as her life’s mission to convince me there and then that I will want another baby eventually. She went on and on, couldn’t even accept me saying ‘we haven’t decided yet, we’ll decide in the future’, and said ridiculous and insulting things about how only children are ‘odd’

Obviously she was being rude and difficult, but I’m used to handling her so that’s not the issue. What I want to know is, is it really so crazy that after a bad birth, a hard first year and multiple serious health issues a woman might not want to go through it again?! She was honestly unable to believe that I wouldn’t consider all of those things completely worthwhile sacrifices for the sake of having a second baby. She kept on saying ‘but think about John*! Wasn’t he worth it!’, as if that’s the same thing.

I just felt like she saw me as nothing more than a vessel for producing offspring regardless of the personal cost to myself in doing so - like I should be happy to accept any amount of pain, illness and poor health for the sake of another child. She was offended and troubled at my suggestion that maybe a second baby just isn’t worth it.

I’m rambling a bit, but it’s playing on my mind. Is it really so unreasonable that after the year I’ve had I just don’t ever want to do it again?

*John is not my baby’s real name

Don't you just love it when people who won't be affected in any way, won't have to live with the lifelong responsibility/consequences try and tell you what you should be doing?

No I wouldn't have another baby in your position. I nearly didn't have my second child for health reasons. She's here now and obviously I love her but the pregnancy damaged my body forever. I had waited 6 years and can honestly say that I loved having an only child and that would have been a good life for us too.

Do whatever is best for you.

I had a straightforward pregnancy and birth. My dc was a good sleeper too.

I still waited 7 years to have another.

Your body, your decision.
Tell her you'll have another if she can find you a surrogate, her face will be a picture.

I had a textbook pregnancy, straight forward birth and my daughter is a really good sleeper. She was 3 weeks old the first time my MIL asked when we were having a second one. I told her then that this was a one and done situation. Hasn't stopped her asking every other week and I'm sure she thinks it's weird but she is at least too polite to say it.

It’s not her bloody business and it never will be. The only issue is how to handle this in a way that minimises discussion - preferably while making it clear that this is personal, private and nothing to do with her.
What would she do if you said something like “I am still dealing with complications following the birth of this one”.

Motherhood always has its complications so that is never actually a lie but it easy to refuse to answer further questions by saying “I don’t want to discuss that. It’s personal”.
A lot of women from the older generation in my family would shush up at that. They wouldn’t respect my notions about the size of my family, but if I don’t want to talk about my undercarriage then they will grudgingly accept that.

The way I see it, my son will benefit far more from having functioning, healthy and happy parents than he would ever do from having a sibling

This is exactly how I feel! He’ll never know what he’s missing by not having a sibling, but he will know the detriment of having a demented mother who is too ill and sleep deprived to function.

I hate the mentality that it’s “worth it” to go through difficult and traumatic labours (and on-going difficulties afterwords) to have a child, and actually find it really emotionally manipulative. Like obviously you love your child and wouldn’t say you wished you hadn’t had them. But the effect on your body and physical and mental health is totally separate to that.

I couldn’t have put it better. She was acting as though by saying I didn’t want another I was suggesting my son wasn’t worth it. But they’re two totally different things - I would go through it again for the sake of having him, the baby I know and love. That doesn’t mean I have to contemplate it for the sake of a baby that doesn’t exist yet. The fact that my son was absolutely worth it doesn’t mean I can’t decide a second baby isn’t for me.

I think you don’t need one more baby, you need one less rude cunt in your life.

I finally had dc2 after recurrent miscarriages and a difficult pregnancy - I was still asked if I was going to try again! (For a girl )
I also had an elderly relative tell me I should stop at one, when the first dc was just born (it turned out she had lost her second child as an infant which I'm sure influenced her views).
The point is people will always have opinions, I don't think it's wrong for them to express them (once!) but they then need to shut up and let you do what's right for you.
In another couple of years you might feel differently; or you might not.

I didn't have it half as bad as you and I still don't want another! DP is totally put off too, he found the birth horrific. Obviously we adore DD and wouldn't have not had her if we could go back but its kind of like we came, we saw, we don't really like not having any sleep and we'll be glad when she's past the baby stage. I can't imagine putting myself through all that again just as things are starting to improve. I think your position on it is totally valid given your experience. I know several only children who turned out just fine, a sibling is no guarantee of a friend for life in any case.

I was still in the high dependency unit having nearly died after my DD was born when someone mentioned a second baby. I was honestly floored, I'd just barely survived having one, the last thing on my mind was having another, almost 18m on and it's still the furthest thing from my mind! I've had the comments about only children being weird as well and I retorted I'd rather she was a weird only child than that she was motherless, MIL hasn't mentioned it since

@ChampionOfTheSun

I was still in the high dependency unit having nearly died after my DD was born when someone mentioned a second baby. I was honestly floored, I'd just barely survived having one, the last thing on my mind was having another, almost 18m on and it's still the furthest thing from my mind! I've had the comments about only children being weird as well and I retorted I'd rather she was a weird only child than that she was motherless, MIL hasn't mentioned it since

I’m definitely going to use that one! That’s terrible, I can’t believe you were asked under those circumstances.

I'd admire your restraint OP because in your position I think I'd turn savage and ask GMIL the status of her vagina and would she kindly go and fuck herself at the earliest opportunity. What a fucking hag.

I don't know how people choose to do this more than once. My pregnancy was almost perfect, my labour was horrendous and ended in emergency c section, and my baby is pretty good. But there's no way I could do this and look after another child. And there's no way I'll go through labour again or have another c section. I've told everyone to slap me if I ever consider another! I love him to bits, but not again.

Tell her God will decide when to bless you with another one

My first baby was a dream, great sleeper, easy baby, and his birth was pretty straightforward. I still wasn't interested in trying for another until he was at least 2.

It would be completely understandable if you didn't want another. However, if you did, you really need to let your body heal from all of the surgery anyway.

I might have a second baby in those circumstances and I might not, but it doesn’t matter whether other people would, it matters what you want. I completely understand that at this stage it is the furthest thing from your mind. If I were in your position, I’d want to get myself healed and on an even keel both physically and mentally, and be getting more sleep, before I could even find the head space to consider it.

I found pregnancy deeply stressful (nausea, MH issues, borderline GD, carpal tunnel syndrome which woke me up hourly with the pain), then had a traumatic first delivery (EMCS, failed induction, major feeding and sleeping issues, PTSD). Around the one year mark, half of our NCT cohort (two of whom had had the lovely water births I’d hoped for) started announcing second pregnancies. I just cried.

In my case I desperately wanted a second (and DH did not at the time) but I couldn’t conceive of how I could possibly get through another pregnancy, let alone give birth.

My MIL’sfirst question after she met the baby was when were we going to have another one? I took a deep breath and explained that we had been medically advised to wait at least a year before even thinking about it (true). That did actually work…. Telling her to STFU might have been more cathartic though.

You don’t owe anyone an explanation. If you ever do want to chat to other women who get it, I really recommend the Birth Trauma Association closed Facebook page - well worth joining.

@burritofan

I think you don’t need one more baby, you need one less rude cunt in your life.

Yanbu. I think some people have a strange mental block when it comes to having children. They can’t imagine anything other than what they consider to be ‘normal’. I would have been infuriated at what your MIL said. It’s none of her business and she was really rude. Do whatever is best for you.

It is nobody's business but your own and grandmother-in-law should be gently reminded of that. Many people have only one child and are happy. The decision is your business and your husbands.

YANBU. I hate this question, I get asked constantly now I’ve gone back to work. I had a stress free pregnancy, relatively uneventful birth and recovery and an average sleeper and I still feel totally the same as you so I can’t imagine how you feel! I just now say ‘maybe one day’, which is the truth but absolutely no time soon maybe not ever but I can’t be bothered to say that as people immediately try and convince you otherwise!

She needs to mind her own business. Some people love to stick their nose in other people’s family planning. I hate how the only child conversation always ends with them telling you how spoilt only children are and what a lonely life they will have.

We’re in the one and done camp too. Didn’t love pregnancy/childbirth/first 6 months but also, we’re just done. Our family is complete and we both feel the same way. When we announced I was pregnancy we were asked how many we were going to have . DS turns 1 soon so I’m bracing for more lectures on how awfulmy only child will be…

Your GMIL us being extremely rude and needs to mind her own uterus. Be firm with her and set some boundaries - it's the only way to handle these types of people other than not seeing them.

Tell her the really gory details at length and really make her feel awkward for asking until she backs away slowly from the conversation

Or you could just tell a white lie and say your doctor advises not to have another one / it’s sadly medically unlikely or impossible. Anything you need to say to get her off your back, totally agree it’s none of her business!

It took us 3 years to try again.

I had awful carpel tunnel with my oldest, was wearing wrist braces and had to have Dh tie up my hair, put my shoes on and do up my buttons and bra because my hands didn’t work for half my pregnancy and had a traumatic emergency csection after an allergic reaction the the epidural.

Dd was a colicky reflux screamer, who never slept and screamed for what felt like a billion years and our relationship was strained.
We weren’t in a hurry for no 2.

I said when asked when are we having our next one when Dd was still tiny (after being asked if DH was disappointed with a girl) “One and done.” Or “we are getting a puppy next” or just plain “never”.

This really infuriates me because I have experienced the same thing. My DD is Autistic and has very high care needs and on top of that she has only just started sleeping through the night ~ she is 6 years old. I don't think I will ever recover from the 5-6 years of hardly any sleep. I genuinely don't feel like I will ever catch up on it.
My advice is just ignore. That's what I've done and it seems to have worked because people have stopped asking me.

I'm so sorry OP that you have had this experience. Birth trauma hit me like a ton of bricks and my family and in laws have never let up about having another. It also became my own special form of personal torture - what could I do better next time etc. It's taken a lot of therapy for me to feel better and like I can give others' baby comments the brush off! Hugs xxx

There’s nothing wrong with having one baby instead of two anyway if that’s your choice

Tell her to mind her own business