to have finally flipped?

[CrayolaDust]

I know I am really.

I have a few DC, and my 18 yr old is so very lazy.

No help around the house, clean, dry, folded washing is just thrown on the end of the bed.

Cereal bowls / cups / glasses just dumped on the kitchen side when finished with. Bedroom not dusted at all this entire year.
I've asked, offered help with routines, everything.

Nothing ever their fault. Not quite sure when they became so selfish really.

Finally flipped out today. Not my finest moment of parenting, and I shouted too. Very unlike me.

My other DC help plenty, mainly when asked, though they do it.

How can I get control of this please? I'm very aware that they are an adult now really, and so need to be treated as such.

Meant to add that when I apologised for the way that I spoke to them, ie the shouting, I did say that although the delivery was wrong, the message stands.

I've handed them a list of my basic daily household chores, and said they are in charge of them for at least the rest of this week.

Not sure if I went a bit overboard with that too though.

They're an adult. Set firm house rules and make sure they know they'll be moving out if they don't follow them.

I couldn't get annoyed about dust in their room though, it's their space so why do you care?

I have sympathy.

You aren't alone though I imagine. Whilst technically an adult I expect most 18 year olds are still in the pretty selfish teenage stage. I dont ever recall dusting my bedroom at that age to be honest and I remember my Dad going mad about me leaving wet clothes in the washing machine for ages 🤢

When I say they / them, I am just referring to my DC in question, not the other who help.

I care about the dust because it's just a lack of respect, clothes all over the floor where they have kicked of the bed. Piles of books and games everywhere just covered in dust. It's not nice.

I also don't want to threaten with leaving their home. I'm hardly going to kick them out over chores.

out of the bed

Maybe a good flip out was what was needed?

Do they work? Who pays for their phone etc?

Maybe, I just wonder if losing my cool makes me like a bit immature, and I lose any credibility on my point.

Yes, they work. Mostly weekends though. They pay for their own wants. I cover needs.

Are you still doing their laundry?

Yes, I do all the laundry together. Just one washing basket, everyone puts their clothes in, and I just sort and wash by colour / material, not person.

I dust and hoover ds's room as they have allergies. I don't do dd's as she has too much stuff on shelves, on bookcase, thrown on chair etc and clothes on the floor. The boys room has 2 beds and 2 lockers so not much to dust therefore much easier to clean. Every so often, with a gentle nudge, dd gives her room a thorough clean so I leave her to it. Eldest Ds changes his own bed, will hoover if asked, empties dishwasher and most importantly cleans the cat litter tray. So while I do the bulk of housework as eldest 2 both work summer jobs, they do chores when asked/reminded. They'd never leave dishes on the side - always wash them or put them in the dishwasher. Dd does all her own cooking as she is vegetarian. @CrayolaDust you were right to lay down the law today. I'd tell your Ds that they will find it hard to get a flat share where someone else does all the work, and that if they don't cop on and start helping out, a flat share is exactly what they are heading towards, and you won't be funding it!

Not sure if It’s an option but I make mine (teen and pre-teen) do their bedrooms once a week on a Saturday. The have to empty bins, bring down dishes, dust, hoover, mop and change their beds. I was making them also do a room downstairs each but I realised I was happier doing the downstairs myself so it’s just their rooms they do now. During the week I don’t make them tidy it but I will stick my head round the door and say “bring down those dishes/put that clean laundry away” now and again. The sigh and roll their eyes but they do it.

You're not alone. I think a lot of teenagers can be like this.

I would definitely stop doing his/her laundry. Show them how it all works and leave them to it.

If their room is messy, close the door.

If it's dirty, give him/her a deadline and details of a cleaning company. Explain that it's fine if they don't want to clean things themselves, but it does need doing and it's their responsibility so the alternative is that they pay someone to do it. (They will obv try to pay your younger children first.) Follow through with any sanctions. (A friend of mine lives with her grown-up son and they share the cost of a weekly cleaner. It works well for them.)

Could you buy them a set of their own crockery and cutlery - let them manage it for themselves? Ditto towels and bedding. Some people find it works to give all the chn their own colour linen. Many don't want to share towels etc once they have their own. They know clearly what's theirs and can see easily when they need to wash them. (Having less can actually make this all easier.)

Just some ideas.

I think the bedroom bothers me so much as they share with a sibling. I didn't mention it in OP, because not sure how relevant it is, and I know sharing bedrooms can sometimes be a bit of a flame on here.
@Notaroadrunner went first though, so I'll follow

Thank you for all the suggestions.

Are these OK to deal out to an adult though? I can't really make them though, can I?

How about the list that gave? Is that overboard? It means they will be doing all of my chores this week, instead of me.

We do have all our own towels and bedding, to answer PP. Again, all washed together though.

@CrayolaDust

Thank you for all the suggestions.

Are these OK to deal out to an adult though? I can't really make them though, can I?

How about the list that gave? Is that overboard? It means they will be doing all of my chores this week, instead of me.

A barely there adult who still lives at home and expects other people to be their skivvy apparently. You're doing the laundry and covering their financial needs. The least they can do is have some respect for themselves, your home and their sibling and tidy up their space for goodness sake!! What you're asking for are basics and you're being a lot softer than I would be. Completely unacceptable behaviour to dump fresh laundry like that & leaving bowls etc on the side.

What would you do @bloodyhell19?

I think being firm and not giving in will instil some respect.
It's one thing doing it in their own room but when it impacts on others then it's really time to change.
You feel bad but dont,they may not have shown it be hopefully you've shocked them into helping out more.
Stand firm!💐

Stop doing his/her washing.

Give them their own laundry basket and let them get on with it.

You can guarantee they won't be throwing clean washing on the floor then.

You can’t precisely make them but you can tell them they must do their own laundry ( I’m like you and throw it all in together but this needs action). You can tell them that if they don’t bring their crockery down then there will be no dinner. You can tell them if they live in filth they will lose financial support.

You can be absolutely clear this is non negotiable and as an adult they have to shape up.

Giving them all your tasks for the week does sound impractical unfortunately. Go to a neutral place and calmly state your terms and that this is permanent. They can make other arrangements for their accommodation if they’d prefer that .

Good luck. I had one of these. It got much better for all of us when he did move out and he’s now reasonably clean and tidy albeit not to my standards.

Of course you can make them do household chores - they are choosing to live in your home and must respect that! I have adult children myself so speak from personal experience. Start some new routines and expectations.

@UhtredRagnarson

Not sure if It’s an option but I make mine (teen and pre-teen) do their bedrooms once a week on a Saturday. The have to empty bins, bring down dishes, dust, hoover, mop and change their beds. I was making them also do a room downstairs each but I realised I was happier doing the downstairs myself so it’s just their rooms they do now. During the week I don’t make them tidy it but I will stick my head round the door and say “bring down those dishes/put that clean laundry away” now and again. The sigh and roll their eyes but they do it.

We do the same here. But with help because dds is 7 and 4.5 years old. But they do the majority and then dh or me help. Oldest dd have started helping the youngest. I

@CrayolaDust

What would you do *@bloodyhell19*?

Stop doing their laundry for a bloody start until they start appreciating it properly. If that's not an option then do the laundry, but anything cleaned and folded and then dumped on the floor by DC would be swiftly put into a bin bag and taken away (and returned when they get the message). Don't appreciate it? Someone else will. Draw up a list of chores you expect them to do on a set day each week. Any piles of bowls/glasses/cups that can't seem to make it to the dishwasher/be washed up would be swiftly returned to their bed & left there until they get the message. You really can't expect them to survive in the real world on their own if they can't manage the basics at home. Equally, how you treat this situation will be noticed by younger DC who will then think "well if X got away with it when they turned 18 then so can I". Your roof, your rules, regardless of age. You say DC has a weekend job - fine, but that still leaves plenty of time to at the very least help at home.

No laundry. No cooking. No cash. No taxi service.