AIBU to worry about possibly being a MIL one day after reading MN?

[CrazyCrazyCrazyCrazy]

MIL to a DIL I mean.

I have a son and after reading threads on here sometimes I always come away thinking God it seems most MILs cant do anything right and how in pretty worried about the possibility of ever being one in the future!

If a son wants to spend any time with his mother hes 'a bit wet' or some other insult, heaven forbid she wants to help with the kids at all or have any meaningful relationship with them and so on...

Well people are only going to post when they have problems = so you aren't hearing the stories of MILs and DILs who get on fine.

I'm a MIL and my simple rule is 'don't interfere' I would not presume to tell my DS and DDIL how to run their lives, they are adults - and my DDIL is a far more sensible and together person than I am anyway .
I wouldn't dream of letting myself into their house uninvited, or poking about in their laundry or cleaning etc - unless asked/ I had asked if they needed help.
I am there to offer any help they ask of me - they know that, and I love my DDIL unconditionally - she knows that because I tell her so. I adore her and think she is the best thing that ever happened to my son, he has grown so much as a person since he met her.
She is kind and loving and we have great fun together when we all meet up (I am also good friends with her Mum who is a lovely person who would do anything for anyone).
We aren't in each others pockets, and we all just get on with our lives without drama.

I think problems arise when mothers put their whole being into raising children and that is their life, so when the children move on they feel a great loss and emptiness and try to fill it by forcing themselves into their children's lives. I have my own life and interests, and I don;t feel the need to interfere or boss others around. I wouldn't do those things to my friends, I'm sure as hell not going to treat my DDIL like that.

Try not to be a dick and you'll be fine. My MIL is a darling. Love her.

@WishingHopingThinkingPraying

Try not to be a dick and you'll be fine. My MIL is a darling. Love her.

You took the words out of my mouth. I can’t stand mine but DH loathes her far more than I do so it’s not a “DIL problem”.

Be a good mum and a good MIL and I’m sure you’ll be fine. Starting out all defensive won’t help with either.

And this has been done to death. I’ve seen this exact thread title many times.

If you read the threads a lot of them are from women who have just had babies (maybe the first grandchild) and might be hurting, bleeding, wanting their own mum and also having to deal with their in laws because their DP isn’t capable enough to take their kids to see his parents alone (or make plans with them, or set expectations), so they blow up.

The best thing you can do is foster a friendly relationship between you and your son so he doesn’t feel like he needs to hide anything from you. If he can tell you ‘actually x just wants her mum at home for a bit but I’ll send you loads of pics and will facetime / bring the baby to the door if you want to meet’ without you getting offended you will be considered the best.

Yes. MIL 3x over here. Don't interfere, treat them like adults and keep your opinions to yourself unless asked. It's really not that difficult

MIL here. On very good terms with DIL, she gave me a key to their house very early on, so that they don't have to answer the door when I visit. I try to be available for childcare, and she lets me do it. It's not difficult - just treat DIL with respect and consideration and you'll be fine.

I adored my MIL and she was incredibly good to me. We once had ILs to stay in our tiny flat for a month and were upset when they left as it felt such a special time. I was very lucky as like my own parents she had an incredibly big heart and always welcomed me as one of her own. I often feel grateful to her still now for how caring and kind DH is.

I think it can happen, and especially with people who are easy going where can as there’ll always be a tiny bit of being used to different ways of doing things. Our families grew up in different places and very different and it has never once mattered significantly I don’t think.

@AmyDudley said it perfectly!

Issues arise when the apron strings haven't been cut and MILs still believe that they should be the most important woman in their son's lives.

MIL's who aren't catty and judgemental, or jealous with their son and undermine DIL's do just fine.

Treat your DIL like you would a respected friend, and all will be well.

My MIL is wonderful, and I will tell anyone who will listen. She takes me on a yearly spa weekend, lovingly cares for my children exactly how I would, doesn't give me unsolicited advice, cleaned my house and filled the fridge when her grandkids were born and is generally amazingly helpful. She does have her foibles, but MIL/DIL relationships don't have to be terrible.

If it helps you I LOVE my MIL. She is a god send. She has always been great, would have done anything for us, has never questioned me or our life choices (even when we moved abroad and I think probably broke her heart, she never let on). Now we have DC she frequently takes them overnight, sometimes 2 nights. She'd drop anything and everything to help, including work, if we needed her. She is wonderful and I feel incredibly blessed to have her in my life. Her son is equally incredible.

Yes! I have two sons and whilst people say oh its easy just dont intefere etc i dont think its as simple as that because you have no idea what the sons partner would consider bossy /interfering/ too much. My SIL says our mutual MIL is difficult and she does put barriers up around seeing her often but I dont find half the complaints an issue to me but I can see because SIL finds her difficult she is tense around her and MIL gets tense with the tension.

In my experience MILs do best when they have a life of their own too. Feeling that they take every tiny boring minutiae of your life and tell all their friends and family about it is rather suffocating.

I absolutely adored my mil she was always welcoming and only offered advice if asked, and I asked a lot because she made me feel at ease. I miss her terribly and as a mother of two sons I hope that I can have that type of relationship my my future inlaws.

I'm a DIL and I love my MIL she is ace. An absolutely formidable lady who raised three boys with a rod of iron but by god three lovely sons she has. I am very close to her and she came with me and my own Mum when I picked my wedding dress. My own mum has since sadly passed away but I see her as a second Mum and whilst she would never replace my own Mum, I could ask her anything.

She doesn't interfere, is supportive and ready and willing to help if asked. I love her!

My MIL was a nightmare, as was my sister's and so is my step-MIL, so from personal experience I'm going to say YABU on grounds that I don't think some MILs are as innocent as they make out.

@CrazyCrazyCrazyCrazy

Worries the heck out of me too !!

I think I may be one of the crazies

My son is no way near any sort of age where he'll be getting married so this is way way in the future if it happens. You just never seem to hear any positive MIL stories on MN. But as per PP I suppose why would anyone post them?!

I like my own MIL. But she lives far away so we dont see her much which is a shame but whether wed have problems if she lived closer I dont know! None of my friends seem to like their MILs and whenever they are telling me about things they've apparently done wrong I just dont get it. Half the time I think 'and?'. It seems from talking with friends that even the mere suggestion that their MIL would like to see their grandchildren is enough to set them off.

All you can do is trust that your son(s) won't marry precious, complicated women and then if you're not precious or complicated either, you'll probably get on ok to brilliantly.

My MIL is ok but we have nothing in common so we've only ever had a superficial relationship. She has never interfered though - her view was it was her job to bring her sons up and their wives' problem to look after them going forward - ie the worry transferred from her to me!. I am not sure she really approved of my being a "career woman" but never really said anything.

My mum interferes more but she genuinely gets on well with, and likes, DH so he puts up with her more annoying habits.

I agree that MILs (and mums) are better when they have their own lives. Less time to interfere and more of a sense of proportion.

Thank you for sharing the positive MILs experiences that makes a nice change!

I absolutely loved my MIL - she didn't interfere, was always there when we needed support, never had a bad word to say about anyone and was just an all round wonderful woman. She is very sadly missed.

My MIL is great.

For all the threads there are on MIL relationships, there are also those on strained relationships with parents.

Don’t overstep or generally be a dick and you’ll be fine (I’m saying this as a mum to a boy).

However, if you generally sympathise with the controlling MIL threads, you might have an issue!

And just to add - one thing about my MIL I truly appreciated was that she never, ever criticised our parenting choices and whenever she babysat always followed our routine and preferences to the letter even when I would tell she was a bit about some of them!!

To add, my MIL is great. Sometimes she annoys me, but no more than my own mum. I make facilitating her relationship with my son a priority because I have no reason not to.

If she went against our wishes with our baby or tried to control how he was raised, I wouldn’t be so keen.

I hate my MIL but get on great with stepMIL cause she's not an interfering petty narcissistic dickhead. I do get where you're coming from though and can imagine why it's a worry. It has crossed my mind too although I only have a daughter.