AIBU to worry about possibly being a MIL one day after reading MN?

[CrazyCrazyCrazyCrazy]

MIL to a DIL I mean.

I have a son and after reading threads on here sometimes I always come away thinking God it seems most MILs cant do anything right and how in pretty worried about the possibility of ever being one in the future!

If a son wants to spend any time with his mother hes 'a bit wet' or some other insult, heaven forbid she wants to help with the kids at all or have any meaningful relationship with them and so on...

My MIL is one of my favourite people in the world. We've been on holiday before (shared hobby) for a week just the two of us without DH and DC and it was blissful. Does she go a bit loopy sometimes? Yep. Do I? Undoubtedly. But fundamentally we love each other and we both love DH so if it gets a bit much we give each other space for a bit and everything is fine!

In my experience this only blows up with really "traditional" families where the son expects to "hand over" the MIL to his wife or significant other because he basically expects the women in his life to do all the domestic and emotional heavy lifting and all the childcare and to bond over "women's things" while he washes his hands of the whole dirty subject. Then the women who are under-valued and over-worked end up scrapping over quite trivial stuff.

If your son is a grown-up and plays a part in the management of his own family, and as long as you aren't a complete control-freak who wants to micro-manage their lives it shouldn't be a problem.

My MIL was awful but I think (hope!) it's taught me to be a better MIL to my DILs.

But I do get your concern OP, I sometimes look at threads and think MILs are judged very harshly. Mind you I also read threads and think 'Who would behave so appallingly to their DIL?!'

I try to help and support but not overly - so I wouldn't just start cleaning my son and DIL's house when visiting (whereas I know my daughter loves me to do that for her) and I keep my mouth shut about everything to do with parenting - unless it's to agree with something they do or they ask for advice. I've also made it very clear that we're delighted to have them as DILs and think they're great.

I think people would only bother posting if there is an issue. I've seen plenty of thread over the years of people having difficult relationships with their own mothers or fathers or FIL or both.

I've only got sons and I'm not too concerned. All these MIL and DIL are just people...if you think of a group of people like colleagues or school mums or classmates or random 30 people in a shop - there would probably be at least one in that group who is a bit of a nightmare in someway (lying, overbearing, controlling, emotionally immature, spiteful, no self awareness, selfish, gossipy) and at least one person who would make a lovely MIL/DIL (kind, self aware, good boundaries, friendly, inclusive, maybe a shared interest or two).

Scale that up to the amount of people who use MN...bound to me more than a couple of threads!

If you're worrying about it before it happens, YABU and need something else to occupy your time.

It’s all good as long as you don’t interfere in your children’s / DIL / SIL lives. Have your own life and don’t be demanding then it will all be fine. I have no issues with my MIL, l actually find her less annoying and interfering than my own mother! So l am a bad example as l have no gripes with her, we have our own lives and she has hers

My late MIL was a lot nicer than my own narcissistic mother. I only saw her about twice a year as we lived 250 miles apart and both of us worked full time, but we got on fine.
As PPs have said, nobody starts a thread asking what should they do about their lovely kind helpful MIL - you only ever see the horror stories!

I also have a ds and have wondered about this. The best that I can do or be is someone who has boundaries, raise my ds to be independent and respectful and hope for a good relationship.

Not every MIL is the same.
Not every family is the same .
I am sure you will be fine.

My MIL was a fucking old witch. I became absolutely determined not to be like her. Two of my sons are married to the most fantastic women and really make it easy to get along with them.
My SIL is a good egg too.

I love my MIL. But they do live 200 miles away so minimal opportunities to interfere

As others have said, nobody is going to be posting to say that everything is awesome, so you're gonna hear mostly about the bad stuff.

For what its worth I love my mother in law. Much prefer her to anyone on my side of the family. She talks to DH everyday, but its not a problem that their close because she's very respectful of our marriage and is supportive not interfering.
Because our decisions feel respected we're very comfortable having her visit lots and we're planning to move closer so she can be more involved with grandkids (my idea, I think seeing her lots will be a real blessing for them).

One thing I think she did really well is really try to get to know me and figure out what I'm comfortable with. Everyone's different so what works for one DIL might irritate another. Just like any family member really.

I'd suggest maybe popping over to Gransnet if your worried, they seem to have some pretty good advice for getting along with DIL's. But I don't think you need to worry x

I have a good relationship with my MIL although I wouldn’t say we’re super close, we don’t talk regularly but once in a while will WhatsApp and when we go to stay with them / they come and stay with us, we all get on. Worth noting also that my DH talks to his parents every day and now that we have DD FaceTimes them almost daily. When we visit we stay for a week and vice versa and I know if they were closer they would be happy to do childcare for DD. DH and MIL have a really strong relationship which I agree with you that you don’t hear about much on here. But nobody is going to post I get on with my MIL AIBU right?!

I agree with you OP. I think there are some families where the default position from the get-go is to assume there is going to be friction with the MIL.

I remember working with someone who was trying to explain to me why she was offended by her MIL making a roast dinner that included Aunt Bessies roast potatoes. Ffs.

I'm a mum to sons, but I'm not worried, as I think it's just common sense.
As in don't try and take over/undermine parenting decisions, or try and use emotional blackmail if you think seeing you three times a week as well as phoning a couple of times a week isn't enough.
Be interested, loving, always there when needed, but know when to back off as well lol.

My dear departed mum was MIL to several DIL's.

Not a one of them ever had a single complaint. In fact they'd be round all the time by choice, more often than not without my brothers.

She would babysit when asked and kept her nose out of everything else unless categorically consulted by one of my SILs.

Message: don't be an interfering twat and you will most likely be okay.

Mumsnet is like online broadband reviews, nobody bothers to say anything when they're happy, leaving only the negative aspects visible hence givingthe impression not a single customer of any broadband provider ever manages to access the internet ever.

YABU. MN is full of threads about problems with people's dc, husbands, friends, parents, in-laws etc, not just MIL. And you only hear from people who have problems. Nobody's going to post a thread saying "My MIL's alright ".

I love my MIL

She doesn't interfere, doesn't call round with out notice or invite

Has a family of seven and believe as mum I know my toddler best. She encouraged me and helped when I asked her with breastfeeding when baby was first born, she is my biggest supporter in continuing to nurse at 2 years old for as long as baby wants, her children self weaned at 4 -5

Doesn't force me to seperate from my child or nag me for not wanting her to take sole care for a day

Has been a SAHM herself and makes me feel worthwhile in my choice

We share craft supplies and have coffee and put the world to rights and we are good friends

Basically be supportive, don't push for what mum doesn't want, fight her corner as your sons partner and treat her like a friend

I think you need to keep things in proportion. There seem to be four basic grumbles that are largely justified.

1. Expecting your ds to put you before his wife
2. Relying on your ds & his wife for a social life
3. Trying to overrule parenting decisions, take control of or influence grandchildren
4. Criticising, making unhelpful comparisons or indulging in favouritism.

I have a ds and I want him to be happy, above all things. My ex-mil was responsible for the most miserable four years of my life so I refuse to assume that role. I'm planning to retire somewhere remote and let them come to me, only if they want to.

I loved my ex’s mother as if she was my own. She was the kindest, happiest and most grateful person I’ve ever had the pleasure to meet. I’d happily have kept her and ditched her son. Sadly she passed away just before we split up.

My current mil could not be further from my last. She’s narcissistic, competitive, never wrong and looks down on me and my parents.

If a post requires me to speak of my former mil I do but more often than not it’s the experiences with the latter that provide more anecdote of relevance on mn.

I am a MIL, it's fine.

And my own MIL is wonderful. It's not all bad!

My MIL raised 5 boys as a widow. Her one continuous strength was she always said she didn't want her lads to ever be useless husband's to anyone. She raised 5 outstanding men. My DH is a diamond, and so is my MIL.

My mil is fab. Just don't be a dick. Sure it'll be absolutely fine.