Would you leave your drunk friend?

[Electricmouse]

I struggle with being assertive generally (nervous of upsetting people) but I am trying to get better.

Yesterday I met a dear friend in the city for lunch and drinks.

He said he would meet me at 12 and leave around 5. Fine. I figured we'd have enough time to eat, enjoy the sun,get a bit merry then home.

However as itapprached 5 he said he wanted to have a few more drinks.

I'm not great at drinking although happy to be a bit tipsy, absolutely hate being drunk. I thought after 5 I'd get the train home and have an evening to myself. I was ready for home but thought no big deal I'll have a couple more but that's it.

Then he wouldn't leave. I said come on,let's go to the train station and he said no I can't be bothered with trains I'll get a taxi. So I said fine but I want to go home and don't want to pay for a taxi,come with me to train station and you can get a taxi from there if you want? He finally agreed but darted into another pub on the way. I followed him, annoyed and went to tell him I was going and he'd already ordered me a drink!

I said 'Friend I've had enough,I'm feeling too drunk now, I need to go home'.

He said fine ill stay here.

However...
He's prone to getting drunk and falling over and injuring himself. He's also been very ill recently (similar to a stroke) and has become even worse with his balance. I would have felt terrible if I'd have left and anything happened to him.
Also, he was in my nearest city, not near his, good hour away,doesn't know it well. In an unfamiliar place and I just felt it was unfair to dump him there?

In the end, I realised he wasn't budging and I got a lift from a very generous friend and told him to come with me if he wasn't going to get the train he was as well to get a taxi from my house where he would be safer to.

He didn't leave until i feined going to bed.

I'm now upset because I dont like being drunk,& I was. I'd had enough and told him I had, and feel that should have been acknowledged by him, and I feel I've been sort of cheated out of an evening to myself, and feel he lied about what the day would be like.
Had he said 'let's go out and get absolutely inebriated all night' that would have been accurate! (& I'd have said no!)

It's a shame as we get along well, he's very caring normally and up until this, we had had a really lovely time and I feel it ruined it

How would you have navigated this please? I will probably meet with him again at some point but I don't want a repeat.

He has apologised for 'messing me around' as he sees it. I know im going to get told I'm wet,I admit that! TIA :)

It would have been fine to leave him there, it's not your problem if he chooses to drink himself to the point where he can't take care of himself.

Try not to let the incident spoil your friendship though, just tell him politely and in a friendly manner that you don't like going out getting ratted, and that in future if you meet up for a drink or two it will literally be one or two.

I'm confused, if you didn't want to get drunk why didn't you just stick to soft drinks? You can't blame him for you getting drunk. I can see why you wouldn't want to leave him on his own but surely it was always the plan that he would make his own way? You sound really passive in all this as if you had no choice in how the evening unfolded but you did. I'd work on your own boundaries to be honest as it's less about him and more about you.

I'm sorry to say I probably would have left him - mostly because I've wasted so much time with people like this previously and it really does come down to they're not thinking of you or what you want, they just want a drinking buddy. If I had made several attempts to leave and he was insistent on staying out, I'd say best of luck let me know when you get home. I wouldn't be following anyone into a pub, he's an adult & so are you. You're responsible for you & your time and giving in to people behaving like that just shows them that you're a push over.

"Electricmouse always says she's going but she hangs round for another drink so I just went back to hers and got a taxi from there and the best thing is, I can get away with it because I just text to say sorry for messing you about and she's over it..." Wash, rinse, repeat.

YANBU to be annoyed by this but YABU for not just sticking to your guns and going home when you wanted to.

You can’t be mad about not wanting to take responsibility for him yet expecting him to take responsibility for you. You could have said no and left.

However as itapprached 5 he said he wanted to have a few more drinks.
I'm not great at drinking although happy to be a bit tipsy, absolutely hate being drunk. I thought after 5 I'd get the train home and have an evening to myself.
There. Right there. I'm off home now, take care of yourself and try not to have any accidents!
Broad daylight, grown man, what on earth were you still taking care of him for?

Well you didn’t need to drink thr drinks and could have had soft drinks I don’t think you can blame him for you necking too much booze.

Past that if he’s a dear friend as you say I’d have stayed with him if he wanted to stay out not prioritised a night in over him, as it was a one off.

It sounds like your friend has a drinking problem and I'd be trying to talk to him about what help he needs.

Thank you all. I agree with everything said!
It's mainly how ill he's been..I know our mutual friends and other friends he'd mentioned before also tend to bundle him into a taxi often but I didn't feel I could do that in the place we were.
I guess i should have refused to drink the ones he bought me after I'd decided not to but I know thn that he'd have drank them himself making us even later leaving! I could have tried to pout them away when he weren't looking I suppose.
I'm going to tell him that if it happens again I am just going to leave. Its nicer to do that than not and then be annoyed after.

I would suggest museum, gallery,park trips and not places where booze is involved.

I think you might find your good friend loses your number when you become less accommodating of their heavy drinking...

@Electricmouse

Thank you all. I agree with everything said! It's mainly how ill he's been..I know our mutual friends and other friends he'd mentioned before also tend to bundle him into a taxi often but I didn't feel I could do that in the place we were. I guess i should have refused to drink the ones he bought me after I'd decided not to but I know thn that he'd have drank them himself making us even later leaving! I could have tried to pout them away when he weren't looking I suppose. I'm going to tell him that if it happens again I am just going to leave. Its nicer to do that than not and then be annoyed after.

Yes but it's his illness, he is aware of it and he has made his choices. It's not your lookout to be bundling any adult into a taxi. Be a friend if you think he's worth it, but don't be a martyr.

I get it's difficult because of his health issues and you don't like leaving someone vulnerable but next time just be really firm and say you've made plans after 5/6 and stick to your guns about leaving while he's still reasonably sober/ pleasantly tipsy, rather than staying around and ending up in a difficult position about leaving because he's actually drunk.

If he wants to get a taxi, let him. It's his money. Obviously as he doesn't know the town well, offer to walk him to the bus or train.

If he refuses, and you go at that point then it's his decision if he wants to continue drinking alone, and he probably won't, whereas if you stay (despite making noises about leaving) then he has the company and it's still fun for him to carry on.

How do you know he planned a long night?😀🌞it might have been being in the city, in the sunshine ,meeting a special friend, he was having a great time and then,drunkenly,wanted to extend it.
Depends on your prior knowledge of his drinking habits/illness as to whether you could have foreseen this op,and if you should have stayed or not.As you said you could have refused the alcohol firmly.seeing you tip one away might have stopped him buying more.
Only you know what was right or wrong here,but you didn't leave him which was kind.
Put it down to experience,be glad he got home safely,eventually,😊and have that night to yourself tonight.🌈

You said he's prone to getting drunk. Does that mean this sort of behaviour is common? If it's more of a one off then it could be written off as a thoughtless mistake. But if he often drinks to excess and can't stop once started it sounds like he's got a drinking problem if not full on alcoholism.

It doesn't mean he lied - he may not have planned in advance for it to be a big day/night, maybe it just crept up on him as the alcohol intake increased. It's happened to most of us at some stage but maybe not you if you dislike being drunk and can exercise more control. However once someone has got to a certain point decisions are impaired and inhibitions are lowered, hence the refusing to leave, going to the second pub, fannying about and not going home etc.

You are not unreasonable to be annoyed as it inconvenienced you. If it was me, I'd accept the apology but also say you are concerned about his drinking (if you are) and if you do see him again may it clear in advance that you don't want of a repeat of this incident.

You are not being wet either, I have a friend who just doesn't seem to see he is drinking to excess and it's not normal (seems to think expensive wine makes it OK) and it's really difficult to know what to say.

@giletrouge

However as itapprached 5 he said he wanted to have a few more drinks. I'm not great at drinking although happy to be a bit tipsy, absolutely hate being drunk. I thought after 5 I'd get the train home and have an evening to myself. There. Right there. I'm off home now, take care of yourself and try not to have any accidents! Broad daylight, grown man, what on earth were you still taking care of him for?

Yes this.

If you are concerned about him destroying his health, you have to have that chat when he’s sober, and be supportive. But you don’t have to let him mess your life around.

@ChainJane

It would have been fine to leave him there, it's not your problem if he chooses to drink himself to the point where he can't take care of himself.

Try not to let the incident spoil your friendship though, just tell him politely and in a friendly manner that you don't like going out getting ratted, and that in future if you meet up for a drink or two it will literally be one or two.

I just leave it though I avoid those people now. Such a pain.

Sounds more like a very annoying friend rather than a dear friend.

I wouldn't leave a drunk female friend but I would leave a male friend so I think you should have been firm and left. If you'd gone home when you first wanted to he wouldn't even have been that drunk!

He's a grown man and by the sounds has a issue with alcohol. If that were me I would leave him to it and do a back door Brenda when the opportunity presented itself!

Thanks again.
Yes he was very annoying and exasperating even! But we've been really close for years. He has been there for me so many times including through some major life issues.. He hasn't done this with me before, I've just heard tales of him getting too drunk but then having said that, he sort of has done it with me present but we've had more than just us there, eg once he said he would leave when I left,said he'd get a lift home with me as I was driving but didn't, others present so I went, and later heard he had fallen over and injured his hand quite badly.

He has a very good job, I realise functional alcoholics are a thing but I think he doesn't have an addiction,just when he does drink doesn't know when to stop!
I'm very careful usually nowadays, I know my limits and feel gettting tipsy and hsving a giggle is fine but drunk is soemthing else entirely..- especially when I'm out somewhere involving trains etc, I'd hate to have to be navigating getting home while drunk. Some people just don't seem to bother about it do they?!

@Rubyrecka

He's a grown man and by the sounds has a issue with alcohol. If that were me I would leave him to it and do a back door Brenda when the opportunity presented itself!

A back door Brenda!

@VodkaSlimline

I wouldn't leave a drunk female friend but I would leave a male friend so I think you should have been firm and left. If you'd gone home when you first wanted to he wouldn't even have been that drunk!

I know :( I'm fine, don't get me wrong I wasn't fallig over or being sick etc Just out of my comfort zone I'm boring perhaps!

@Gerwurtztraminer

You said he's prone to getting drunk. Does that mean this sort of behaviour is common? If it's more of a one off then it could be written off as a thoughtless mistake. But if he often drinks to excess and can't stop once started it sounds like he's got a drinking problem if not full on alcoholism.

It doesn't mean he lied - he may not have planned in advance for it to be a big day/night, maybe it just crept up on him as the alcohol intake increased. It's happened to most of us at some stage but maybe not you if you dislike being drunk and can exercise more control. However once someone has got to a certain point decisions are impaired and inhibitions are lowered, hence the refusing to leave, going to the second pub, fannying about and not going home etc.

You are not unreasonable to be annoyed as it inconvenienced you. If it was me, I'd accept the apology but also say you are concerned about his drinking (if you are) and if you do see him again may it clear in advance that you don't want of a repeat of this incident.

You are not being wet either, I have a friend who just doesn't seem to see he is drinking to excess and it's not normal (seems to think expensive wine makes it OK) and it's really difficult to know what to say.

Okay I get that. At least I'm good company I suppose!

@KarmaStar

How do you know he planned a long night?😀🌞it might have been being in the city, in the sunshine ,meeting a special friend, he was having a great time and then,drunkenly,wanted to extend it. Depends on your prior knowledge of his drinking habits/illness as to whether you could have foreseen this op,and if you should have stayed or not.As you said you could have refused the alcohol firmly.seeing you tip one away might have stopped him buying more. Only you know what was right or wrong here,but you didn't leave him which was kind. Put it down to experience,be glad he got home safely,eventually,😊and have that night to yourself tonight.🌈

Yes i suppose it is difficult isn't it. We did have a lovely time and I was quite nervous as it is first time I've been to said city for ages and since covid especially it can be a pain going out anywhere, I didn't know if we had to book or what to do but everything ran smoothly, lovely weather..he probably just didn't want it to end I'll try concentrate on that rather than be annoyed :)

@PinkMendinilla

I get it's difficult because of his health issues and you don't like leaving someone vulnerable but next time just be really firm and say you've made plans after 5/6 and stick to your guns about leaving while he's still reasonably sober/ pleasantly tipsy, rather than staying around and ending up in a difficult position about leaving because he's actually drunk.

If he wants to get a taxi, let him. It's his money. Obviously as he doesn't know the town well, offer to walk him to the bus or train.

If he refuses, and you go at that point then it's his decision if he wants to continue drinking alone, and he probably won't, whereas if you stay (despite making noises about leaving) then he has the company and it's still fun for him to carry on.

That was definitely it for me He hasn't been well and I didn't want our mutual friends coming after me if anything happened asking why didn't I get him home okay (not that they would necessarily do this but I don't think he has realised he gets drunk quicker now and needs fo be more careful.

@Tooshytoshine

I would suggest museum, gallery,park trips and not places where booze is involved.

I think you might find your good friend loses your number when you become less accommodating of their heavy drinking...

Good idea Ill try that!