AIBU to be fed up of being blamed for everything where DD is concerned?

[SNMUM95]

A single mum to DD, ex sees her for a few hours every week, pays maintenance every month, but in general is happy to play dad for a few hours then go back to his own life.

I do everything for DD and have done since we split 5 years ago.

Just recently he has pretty much blamed me for everything wrong with DD - if she doesn’t listen to me when I’m telling her something then I’m an unfit parent and she shouldn’t be living with me, if she doesn’t eat a variety of food (she has ASD and has a limited diet) then it’s because I’m a shit parent who doesn’t cook enough for her and just lately apparently it’s my fault she’s got impetigo again because she lays on the rug at home and because I haven’t put the bed sheets back on yet (I had to boil them twice just recently because of bug and then COVID case so waiting to put them back on, but need help because I have a mobility condition).

It feels that everything I do is wrong and he is constantly finding ways to make me out to be an unfit parent…

How do I deal with this without completely losing my shit?!

When is he doing this? Phone? Hang up.. Hand overs? Walk away.
Don't even look his way. Take dd's hand and walk into the car /house.

Mainly over the phone but also when he sees DD x

How long has your child been sleeping with no bed sheets?

He likes to moan
but no child should be sleeping on a bed without a sheet

Tell him you can only communicate via email/text and only regarding contact arrangements, no talking at hand over.

Don't read or answer anything not related to your DD.

Start to keep a journal of your parenting "wins" and happiest parenting moments, and if he is nasty again, go sit down and read through it.

Do you have any friends or family who are good "cheerleaders"? When I do something that makes me feel bad about myself and fragile like that, then I always plan something socially to build myself up.

Are their other ways you could be improving your confidence and self esteem? And are you getting all the support you can for the ASC?

@30degreesandmeltinghere

When is he doing this? Phone? Hang up.. Hand overs? Walk away. Don't even look his way. Take dd's hand and walk into the car /house.

This^ just walk away when he starts or hang up. Don’t engage with him, he’s not worthy of your time. Easier said than done when you feel worn down but don’t bother with him and try not to let the dipshit get to you.

How old is DD? Can you teach her to put a sheet on? You could be there to guide her and mark her out of ten for different things make it a bit fun.

Get flat sheets. Easier to put in if you are struggling. Get dd to help.
Walk away every time he starts having a go. Impetigo needs prescription cream.

And towels etc need a hot wash.

The bedsheets have only been a couple of days, we co sleep because of safety issues around her ASD, so it’s a big bed to change, literally putting the sheets back on today but it has a protector on it x

Why are you talking to him? Text all pick up and drop off arrangements and don't bother communicating with him unless absolutely necessary. And hang up if he starts his bullshit.
On the bed issue, do you only have one set of bedcovers for dd's bed? What age is she? Could she not help changing the bedclothes?

Ignore the texts, calls etc. Walk away if face to face.
But you should have a sheet on the bed because otherwise surely you've just got to wash the mattress protector anyway?
That's by the by though. Absolutely nothing to do with him if he only has her for a few hours a week.

If your child has had impetigo several times that does suggest you're not getting the hygiene thing quite right. I know some skin conditions can make it more likely, but I don't know anybody whose child has had impetigo ever.

but I don't know anybody whose child has had impetigo ever.

Where as I know plenty of children who have had impetigo including my own so let's try to be a bit more open minded.

Sorry but you are being unreasonable sleeping without bedsheets, especially because of the impetigo.

Your daughter needs her own made bed (even if she sleeps with you).

If you need help changing the bed, then get help

@suspiria777

If your child has had impetigo several times that does suggest you're not getting the hygiene thing quite right. I know some skin conditions can make it more likely, but I don't know anybody whose child has had impetigo ever.

I had it as a child, on my face.

My mother, who keeps a spotless home, was mortified.

Don’t judge what you don’t know.

@suspiria777

If your child has had impetigo several times that does suggest you're not getting the hygiene thing quite right. I know some skin conditions can make it more likely, but I don't know anybody whose child has had impetigo ever.

My daughter had impetigo as a child - the other 3 did not. She still gets the occasional outbreak. Nothing to do with hygiene

My dds have asd. Maybe instead of critiquing you and your parenting your ex would like to step up and actually do some parenting.

I'm middle class, have a cleaner, have lovely bed sheets, usually very clean and dd and I both caught impetigo a good few years ago so don't judge.

However you need to make sure she is sleeping on clean bedsheets as often as possible. Do you have a tumble dryer as I know if not it makes it tough.

Jeez a couple of nights without bed sheets is not front page news. “No child should sleep without bed sheets” what an over reaction.

He sounds like a judgmental twat with little hands on experience. Why do you listen to him? Cut him off.

If you are really unable to manage day to day it is best to look for support. Only you know what you need really.

Jeez a couple of nights without bed sheets is not front page news. “No child should sleep without bed sheets” what an over reaction yes and I'd agree if it wasn't for the impetigo.

Can dd not help you change the bed ? Do you have support for your mobility issues. The lack of bedding seems odd and a potential concern. Other examples is neither here nor there. You need to find a way to close the conversation down without showing annoyance. Saying "Thanks for your concern I'll bear it in mind" each time.

Go with an incredulous laugh when he criticizes you. Don't get into a debate with him. A certain kind of man will treat you like inadequate support staff if you let him. Channel the boss of an organisation who has just been criticized by the new intern. It's not even worth your time defending what you do and demanding respect - you look incredulous and you walk away.

@suspiria777 it doesn't mean that at all. Some people whether they are adults or child are more susceptible to it.

OP as PPs have pointed out it is odd that you don't have a spare bedding e.g. sheet, pillow case, duvet cover for your DDs bed. Children can randomly wet the bed or throw up in the bed so you need spares for them.

In regards to your mobility issues - even through out Covid you were and are allowed to have someone to help you as it is classified as "care".

So what exactly are his suggestions for improving the things he doesn’t like, based on his few hours weekly contact? Which I assume none of which are overnight? What sort of super dad advice does he have for you?

I would genuinely say that to him. How dare he. Just, how dare he. He gets to swan in and take DD out for the day, or do something with her and you’re left with absolutely everything else? Nah. The liberty of the man!

Oh the irony of his criticising your parenting when he does fuck all in terms of raising his own daughter