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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

His family gathering - but he wants to show up late

38 replies

Clementine23 · 16/06/2021 12:49

So we have a family gathering (not entirely sure if it is a BBQ or not!) this Saturday.

His parents are turning up at ours at midday along with his sister and brother in law and daughter. He has only seen his parents and sister 3 times in the last year and I know he misses them. He gets on well with them.

The gathering is being held at his cousins house a couple of miles away. Apparently drinks at 12:30 and food at 2pm. His entire family will be there.

DH's 18 year old daughter has a 2 hour driving lesson at midday in the test town 25 miles away from us. He wants to take her for her lesson and then wait for her, meaning he will arrive at the gathering at nearly 3pm with her. DSD often gets the bus home but this will add some time and she probably won't arrive until 3:40pm. His daughter is not really bothered about the family gathering, I have chatted to her about it and her priority is her driving lesson.

So AIBU to think that DH should not turn up to see his family 3 hours after I do? He will be asleep in his car waiting for DSD whilst I am with his family. I am finding this just plain odd. I have suggested he take her to her lesson and then drive home and let her get the bus home meaning he would arrive at the gathering at 1pm and I could spend an hour with his family before he arrives. Seems like a reasonable compromise to me.

I wouldn't dream of expecting him to go to a family gathering of mine and for me to not turn up for 3 hours whilst he was there and I know he would hate it.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 16/06/2021 13:24

Why does he say he doesn’t want to do that? Go on your own if you like his family or if not then turn up when he does

blakeway45 · 16/06/2021 13:27

Sounds as though you don't really see them as your family? Wouldn't bother me with my in laws but then again I love them like my own!

579qkghs · 16/06/2021 13:30

DH regular sees my family with the kids when I have something else on. In fact, he even meets up with my sister and her partner without me so the kids can see them. In our case that is often because I have work to catch up on over the weekend - marking etc.

As my husband, he is now also part of the family - so yes, I would expect DH do be ok with that.

ZenNudist · 16/06/2021 13:32

Just turn up when he does unless you want to go early. Why wouldn't you?

Original poster
Clementine23 · 16/06/2021 13:32

A lot of his family are turning up at our house first, as arranged by him, so I'll be with them and we will all go together to his cousins. His cousin specifically asked him when him and his family were free and it was arranged for this date.

He just says he wants to bring DSD home and it "won't make much difference if he waits for her". It will make 2 hours difference and the difference between him being there for food and being rude to his cousin who fitted the date in with him, in my opinion. Hmm

OP posts:
Dozer · 16/06/2021 13:33

What’s his concern about DD getting the bus back?

ZenNudist · 16/06/2021 13:33

Ah x post. He's made plans for his family to come to you. Refuse to babysit them so he can go out. It's rude. He needs to cancel them and then you go with him at 3pm.

Dozer · 16/06/2021 13:34

Agree, it’d be v rude of him to not be there on time.

Presumably he’ll be explaining his plans to the hosts and the guests planning to come to yours before going to the hosts’?

Nextchapterofmybook · 16/06/2021 13:36

Very rude!

Notgoingtobefatformuchlonger · 16/06/2021 13:37

It wouldn't bother me as DHs family are my family too. I've even gone on holiday with them and our children without DH!

Why does it bother you OP? Do you all get on well? Is their friction?

Soverymuchfruit · 16/06/2021 13:38

Ferrying an 18 year old around when there's a decent bus is ridiculous. She can get the bus both ways.

Overdueanamechange · 16/06/2021 13:39

I understand him waiting for his DD. A driving test is a bigger deal than a bbq. Tell his family what is happening, and to go directly to bbq and you'll meet them there once dh and his dd get home.

NumberTheory · 16/06/2021 13:39

If you enjoy his family for their own sake, I don’t see an issue here. If you find spending time with them to be mainly obligation, I just wouldn’t go without him there, Or plan to turn up after he does.

I can sort of see why he wants to facilitate his DD going even though she isn’t that bothered. I doubt it’s the choice I would make but it’s not an unreasonable one. What he shouldn’t be doing is expecting you to hold down the fort with his family.

NumberTheory · 16/06/2021 13:42

@Clementine23

A lot of his family are turning up at our house first, as arranged by him, so I'll be with them and we will all go together to his cousins. His cousin specifically asked him when him and his family were free and it was arranged for this date.

He just says he wants to bring DSD home and it "won't make much difference if he waits for her". It will make 2 hours difference and the difference between him being there for food and being rude to his cousin who fitted the date in with him, in my opinion. Hmm

I missed this.

That’s not on at all.

Stripey3000 · 16/06/2021 13:42

Could you offer to take his DSD to the driving lesson instead?

Clickbait · 16/06/2021 13:44

Tell his parents and siblings there's been a change of plan and they should go straight to the cousin's as you and DH will both be turning up late.

BramStoker · 16/06/2021 13:46

It wouldn't bother me but if you think his family will find it odd would you collect DD and be the one who is late instead? (if tha makes you feel more comfortable)

LondonStone · 16/06/2021 13:47

@Clickbait

Tell his parents and siblings there's been a change of plan and they should go straight to the cousin's as you and DH will both be turning up late.
This. I know it depends on your relationship but I wouldn’t go to family gathering of DH if he wasn’t planning to show up until hours later. Especially when he seems to have arranged this bizarre situation.
timeisnotaline · 16/06/2021 13:49

I wouldn’t go where dhs actions make us look rude. Id just say I’ll tell cousin we won’t be there until 4-illl go catch up with a friend and meet you there. Message me when you get there. You can decide what to tell your family.

LoudestCat14 · 16/06/2021 13:49

Can DSD not rebook the lesson for a bit earlier?

TheSpottedZebra · 16/06/2021 13:50

Is he concerned that his dd won't show up without him bringing her? Or maybe she has expressed concerns about arriving alone?

Sonofabiscuit · 16/06/2021 13:52

@Stripey3000

Could you offer to take his DSD to the driving lesson instead?
This or let DSD catch bus home . Your Dh is basically being rude to his family and if he insists on driving her etc.he needs to tell the family he will be late and why .
stuntfarter · 16/06/2021 13:52

I really don't think he wants to go , and by going late with the excuse of the driving lesson gives him the opportunity to go but for a limited time
He's seeing this as fulfilling his obligation whilst keeping it to a minimum

Tell the other relatives to go straight there and you and DH will be along later ( unless you want to go for the whole length )

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 16/06/2021 13:52

@Clementine23

A lot of his family are turning up at our house first, as arranged by him, so I'll be with them and we will all go together to his cousins. His cousin specifically asked him when him and his family were free and it was arranged for this date.

He just says he wants to bring DSD home and it "won't make much difference if he waits for her". It will make 2 hours difference and the difference between him being there for food and being rude to his cousin who fitted the date in with him, in my opinion. Hmm

YANBU This would be extremely rude and weird of him
Clickbait · 16/06/2021 13:53

@Stripey3000

Could you offer to take his DSD to the driving lesson instead?
That's a good idea.
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