His family gathering - but he wants to show up late

[Clementine23]

So we have a family gathering (not entirely sure if it is a BBQ or not!) this Saturday.

His parents are turning up at ours at midday along with his sister and brother in law and daughter. He has only seen his parents and sister 3 times in the last year and I know he misses them. He gets on well with them.

The gathering is being held at his cousins house a couple of miles away. Apparently drinks at 12:30 and food at 2pm. His entire family will be there.

DH's 18 year old daughter has a 2 hour driving lesson at midday in the test town 25 miles away from us. He wants to take her for her lesson and then wait for her, meaning he will arrive at the gathering at nearly 3pm with her. DSD often gets the bus home but this will add some time and she probably won't arrive until 3:40pm. His daughter is not really bothered about the family gathering, I have chatted to her about it and her priority is her driving lesson.

So AIBU to think that DH should not turn up to see his family 3 hours after I do? He will be asleep in his car waiting for DSD whilst I am with his family. I am finding this just plain odd. I have suggested he take her to her lesson and then drive home and let her get the bus home meaning he would arrive at the gathering at 1pm and I could spend an hour with his family before he arrives. Seems like a reasonable compromise to me.

I wouldn't dream of expecting him to go to a family gathering of mine and for me to not turn up for 3 hours whilst he was there and I know he would hate it.

He's being rude all around. Rude to his family that organised this around him, and rude to both them and you to invite them over for you to host when he doesn't plan on being there. Yes he should compromise, or he needs to rearrange his family coming to yours.

He is rude.

Suggest you ask DSD to tell him that him wasting 3 1/2 hours driving her there, waiting for her and driving her back so that she saves 40 minutes of her time not arriving sightly later on the bus, a perfectly good bus she's taken many times... is infantilising and that she is 18 years old.

V surprised at the general view here that parents and step-parents should spend their time being a free taxi service to an adult. Why, exactly?

@Overdueanamechange

I understand him waiting for his DD. A driving test is a bigger deal than a bbq. Tell his family what is happening, and to go directly to bbq and you'll meet them there once dh and his dd get home.

It’s a lesson not a test.

DSD lesson was originally for 2pm and she has put it back to midday so she can come to the "do" on DP request. The instructor couldn't do any earlier. DSD will be fine coming alone.

I get on fine with his family, but ultimately they aren't coming to see me and I haven't been involved in any of the plans. I just arranged my weekend to make sure I could go because he asked me to.

I'm not a big "party" person to be honest and would prefer it if he was there with me and he knows this. I have been to other (his) family things without him when he had to work which were fine but he doesn't "have" to be anywhere this time in my opinion.

@Overdueanamechange

I understand him waiting for his DD. A driving test is a bigger deal than a bbq. Tell his family what is happening, and to go directly to bbq and you'll meet them there once dh and his dd get home.

It’s just a driving lesson, not a test.

Get him to tell his family to go straight to the venue.

And also ask him to explain to his family that none of you will be there until 3pm (despite him saying he was free that day) and all go together later afternoon.

He messed up the schedule, he gets to rectify it and apologise to the people he's messed about.

He's being rude to his cousin. First priority is to explain/apologise to the cousin, if he insists on driving his daughter from the lesson. Second priority is explaining to everyone who was going to be meeting at your house that there's been a change in plans and they should either meet up somewhere else or go straight to the gathering without you, and you'll all be turning up later.

The logical thing for him to do is let his daughter take the bus. She's old enough to manage that on her own, surely. You shouldn't be punished because he can't keep his schedule straight.

I would offer to take her for the driving lesson, wait for her and you can both arrive at 3. Then he can meet his parents and travel to the BBQ with them

@Clickbait

Tell his parents and siblings there's been a change of plan and they should go straight to the cousin's as you and DH will both be turning up late.

This.

What would he say if you said this was the plan?

@Clickbait

Tell his parents and siblings there's been a change of plan and they should go straight to the cousin's as you and DH will both be turning up late.

I agree with this. Seeing as he's pissing off for a couple of hours I wouldn't want to be left entertaining his family before the gathering. They should just go to the cousins house at 2pm and if you are happy enough to go at 2 then do so. Can his dd's mother or some of her family not drop her off for her lesson if she really doesn't want to get the bus?

OP could you take her to the lesson so DH can attend the entire event? If you suggest that you'll see if he actually wants to go or not, or whether he's using the lesson as an excuse.

OP needn’t tell anyone anything: it’s her H’s family, her H is the one who’s decided to be elsewhere. He can explain that to them!