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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I want to become financially independent from my DH, does this sound fair?

59 replies

Chocolateemergency · 15/06/2021 16:07

I’m sick of DH being able to throw in my face that I only work part time so I’m thinking of changing the way we sort our money, and I don’t care if it means I have less than him. This is probably the start of the end for us.

Currently we pool all the money we both bring in, pay the bills, give ourselves equal amount of fun money and then save the rest.

We both owned properties when we got together. We lived in his and then rented out mine. We’ve subsequently moved to a bigger family home but it’s technically still his and my property is still rented. Although they’ve both always been seen as ours together given we’re married.

So my question is would I be unreasonable to class the rent from my property as my income? He earns double my salary but the rent is half my salary so would mean I bring in 3/4 of what he does. I would then still be able to pay half of all the bills including his
Mortgage.

OP posts:

TwoAndAnOnion · 15/06/2021 17:48

@KindergartenKop

If you pay his mortgage your name should be on the deeds.

In which case he gets half her property

RandomLondoner · 15/06/2021 17:56

You are getting half the "income" from his house, it would be illogical for you to claim he shouldn't have half the income from your house. Unless you're willing to pay him rent.

Sometimesfraught82 · 15/06/2021 17:57

Forget about name on the mortgage FGS!

In a divorce it doesn’t matter who’s name is on the divorce

AmberIsACertainty · 15/06/2021 18:19

You can't build up "independent savings" when you're married. The account might be in our name but the money is a marital asset and will be included in the divorce split.

Check the rental agreement for your house, see if there's a break clause where it's possible to end the tenancy sooner than the renewal date.

I wonder if your husband also has considered splitting up because him working part time and you full time would put him in a stronger position financially. Or he could just be making those comments because he's not valuing housework and childcare at all and thinks you sit on your arse all day shopping with 'his' money whenever you're not working.

Don't go back to full time work. There's no way he's ever going to step up. You'll end up doing all housework and all childcare (and paying for all official childcare) as well as working full time, while he does nothing extra on top of his paid employment.

I'd ignore him, carry on as you are, see a solicitor ASAP and get divorced when you're ready. Changing things round financially now isn't going to help anything.

Original poster

Chocolateemergency · 15/06/2021 18:25

If I did go back to work full time then after the additional childcare fees we would be over £700 a month better off. It is a significant amount, which is why I struggle to argue back. But we don’t need that money, we are more than comfortable and could even afford me not to work at all.

I’ll leave things as they are until I can leave. I knew it was cutting my nose off to spite my face but I just wanted to stop him having something over me.

OP posts:

Wherediditgo · 15/06/2021 18:29

@Chocolateemergency

Yes I work part time because of the children, but paying for childcare 5 days a week wouldn’t be a problem. I think he sees it as my choice and I’m costing us financially. He is very short sighted because he already goes on about how he can’t cope with everything so how would he fit in nursery runs, and splitting the house work etc. It comes up in any disagreement we have and he always says about me going back to work full time and him working part time.

The end goal is to leave but my plan is to wait just over a year until my property becomes vacant. I want to become financially independent of him in the meantime. I want to build up my own savings not joint savings.

Perhaps I would be better to just pool our money, split the rest 50/50 and then save and spend what I want out of my share. But that doesn’t feel like financial independence. That feels like I’m still relying on him.

You’re entitled to rely on him, you’re married. Hun throwing it in your face does not change that. If you’re planning on leaving, do whatever will benefit you financially in the long run.

Wherediditgo · 15/06/2021 18:29

*him throwing it that should say. I don’t ‘hun’

KilljoysDutch · 15/06/2021 18:36

£700 a month extra is a lot of money, I don't think I'd be too pleased about missing out on that much for no reason other than my partner didn't think they should have to work as much as I did.

stackemhigh · 15/06/2021 18:42

Have some sharp retorts ready next time he throws this in tour face. You don’t have to be the bigger person.

stackemhigh · 15/06/2021 18:44

@KilljoysDutch

£700 a month extra is a lot of money, I don't think I'd be too pleased about missing out on that much for no reason other than my partner didn't think they should have to work as much as I did.

Have you RTFT? He’s already told OP he won’t be able to cope with extra childcare and housework if OP works full time. He is controlling.

cheeseismydownfall · 15/06/2021 18:51

@KilljoysDutch

£700 a month extra is a lot of money, I don't think I'd be too pleased about missing out on that much for no reason other than my partner didn't think they should have to work as much as I did.

Where did the OP say she doesn't want to work full time? My reading of the situation is that they have a busy family life and her part time hours enables her to pick up a lot of the household tasks and child-related demands from which the whole family benefits.

I work 0.6 FTE and could happily clear another couple of grand a month if I went full time. I'd actually quite like to work full time. But DH works long hours and there is no way we would be able to support the kids extra curricular stuff and in general life would be a lot more stressful.

The difference is that my DH is not an arsehole and recognises what I do, and l likewise appreciate what he does. It's teamwork.

Hankunamatata · 15/06/2021 18:54

Was it a discussion that you went part time after children?

Sillawithans · 15/06/2021 19:09

Divorce him, get half of everything and then be financially independent.

Aprilx · 15/06/2021 19:13

Your suggestion doesn’t achieve anything. You don’t sound like a partnership, you don’t sound like you like each other, keep things as they are and find a divorce lawyer.

Shitfuckcommaetc · 15/06/2021 19:16

Why not go full time and let him go part time like he says?

Jellybabiesforbreakfast · 15/06/2021 19:16

You'll need as much money as you can in a divorce because you'll probably have to work full-time AND do everything relating to the children (depending on how much maintenance he has to pay you on top of your share of the assets).

I wouldn't change anything atm but I'd use some of your 'spending' money to have an initial meeting with a lawyer.

Just bite your tongue, bide your time and start laying the groundwork.

MadMadMadamMim · 15/06/2021 19:17

@cheeseismydownfall

I’m sick of DH being able to throw in my face that I only work part time

This is the root of the problem. Changing the way you split your income and assets unfortunately won't change the fact you are married to an arsehole. I would just skip ahead to the bit where you divorce him.

This is basically what I came on here to say!

Suzi888 · 15/06/2021 19:20

Men want it all ways don’t they. Tell him you’ll work full time and he can go part time and do all the running around- he won’t want to do that either!

KilljoysDutch · 15/06/2021 19:22

Sorry OP I missed your second post. Next time he brings it up about you doing full time and him going part time call his bluff then you'll have more money to save for get away fund. Let him see how hard it actually is.

AmberIsACertainty · 15/06/2021 20:24

@Shitfuckcommaetc

Why not go full time and let him go part time like he says?

And then when you divorce you can have your DC every other weekend OP and pay him maintenance for them

cheeseismydownfall · 15/06/2021 20:28

@Shitfuckcommaetc

Why not go full time and let him go part time like he says?

And following on from the PP, I think it is more than likely that the OP would find herself working full time AND picking up the lion's share of everything at home as well.

MoreHairyThanScary · 15/06/2021 21:06

I would quietly sort my ducks but using the 'fun money' start drawing some down in cash and saving elsewhere not in an account .

Newkitchen123 · 15/06/2021 21:20

How is the income on the rental declared for tax? Your name only? Both names? Who pays the tax? Who pays repairs /maintenance etc on the rental? Who pays for it on the family home?

twinklemum87 · 15/06/2021 21:57

Not just your comment but in general Why do these threads always assume the man is controlling or an arsehole? Serious question. It's the Internet and you are only getting one side of the story. There may be more to the story. This take him for all he's got mentality is a bit old hat. Just leave. It's deceitful to secretly save up for a year because it suits you better. That's a year extra of his life maybe thinking everything is ok. I'm new to mumsnet and usually lurk but have noticed a trend and it's bugging me tonight.

stackemhigh · 15/06/2021 22:11

@twinklemum87 have you actually read OP’s posts? This is a man who throws it in OP’s face that he earns more than her because she works part time and yet has also told her that he wouldn’t be able to do his share of childcare and housework if OP were to work full time. This is controlling behaviour. We are helping OP, because it’s OP who has posted.

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