I feel so much resentment towards our parents - AIBU?

[SilenceTime]

I am a middle-aged woman with a family of my own and I feel so, so much resentment toward my own parent and my PIL.

My mum died when I was a child very suddenly and my DF moved on very quickly with someone else who had DC of their own. My siblings and I were sidelined and I left home at 18. My DF was married to this person for many years and then he was widowed about 2 years ago. My DF is very much a part of their lives including DGC and extended family and friends. He has a very good social life.

My in-laws have been off with me since the day I met them. TBH my MIL sees anyone who is female and not blood-related to her as a major threat and competition. It is actually very weird.

We/ I have had absolutely no help from anyone in our families. My DF used to mind his step DGC for weekends, go on holidays with them and babysit for them. My DC wouldn't really recognise him if he walked past them in the street. I have had ZERO help from him. My step-family actually told me that he is the most amazing person and they look on him as a father.

My PiL have also never helped us with our DC or with anything else, whereas they bend over backwards for his siblings. They have had them on a very few rare occasions on their terms, but if you were to ask them to help you out in an emergency they would say no because that would mean that I benefit from it. My DH has pulled them up a few times on, for example, not acknowledging me at Christmas and generally being a cow. I did try to turn this around as I already had one unhappy side of the family but no matter what I did, I was always in the wrong.

I just want to say that I am not weird or anything. I get on really well with my own siblings, their families, I have great work colleagues and friends who have been a rock for me. I don't think I am in conflict with them because I am not a nice person!

Now our parents are in their 80's and they are becoming more sentimental and a bit less reluctant to churn up drama. Now that my DF is solo, he thinks that my role is to listen to him all the time about how lonely he is, how much he misses his wife and how terrible his life is, etc. He doesn't call anyone else up like this, just me, because I am his daughter. This morning he called me 3 times. I was busy, but he will keep calling till I pick up.

The resentment that I feel is really not healthy and it is eating me away. I have had many, many hard times over the years since my mum died, including issues with my pregnancies and births, my marriage, and other things. Who was comforting me when I was on my knees, crying because I had no one to turn to for help? No one, that's who. It's not that I expected my in-laws to do anything for me. I am not that entitled, but I could have been shown a bit of compassion by them. I know that I am able to do this for others, let alone someone my son loves. I look at my friend's families and they have at least one set of GP's helping them out and I have never had anything.

I know that as our parents get older, we are going to be expected to step up. My DC are now grown and I no longer need any help from anyone. I feel resentful that I haven't had a break since they were born and now have free time and elderly relatives now think it's my job to entertain them. I really do not feel like I owe anyone anything. I just want to be left in peace.

This sounds so horrible I know.

Sounds like he couldn't handle the truth. People like this never change.

If it was up to me I'd send them to one of those care homes shown on Panorama where the carers abuse residents!

It's a harsh comment but I can understand where you're coming from with this. As a PP says, these things stay with you.

I too will not be doing a thing for my parents in their old age. I will be reciprocating exactly; ie not lifting a finger.

I agree op - back off and decline to get invoked. I'd stop answering the phone - maybe all every other week and try and wean your father off of it

@JovialNickname harsh but no harsher than the comment my mother made to me that I mentioned upthread. And certainly no harsher than some of the things my dad did to me, eg rubbing my face in my own urine after I wet myself because he shouted at me.

"You let stepmum force me out of the house at 18 and have done fuck all for me since then while you've been happy to do X, Y and Z for her kids, and spend all your time doing A, B and C with her kids. Now that you're old, single and lonely you expect me to drop everything and be there for you? Not going to happen. Actions have consequences. You were never there for me; you'll need to look to those you gave all your time and attention to for the past 40 years for support."

Just say no OP. You owe them nothing.

"The resentment that I feel is really not healthy and it is eating me away."

This to me is the important part of your post - what the resentment is doing to you. Your father, your in-laws - fuck the lot of them. They don't matter. But you have to believe they don't matter so that your resentment can fade to indifference.

Whilst there might be momentary pleasure in telling your dad to stop rewriting history and to take his moans to the stepchildren he replaced you with - will it do anything to ease the resentment? Or just reinforce it?I don't know. Would going no-contact with him and your PIL help, or just leave it festering? I don't know.

I do feel it might be worth exploring this with a professional counsellor. They could help guide you away from the resentment you're feeling and towards indifference, or even amusement that these people who misused you so now feel entitled to your time and interest.

OP you've got every right to feel resentful about the way you are being treated - especially by your father.

That said it's not a healthy emotion.

The fact is your Father has treated you very badly and has no right to expect more from you now than he has ever given you.

It's very telling he wants to be Mr Perfect to his SC and experience all the nice parts of life with them and use you as his emotional dustbin.

My advice is to turn that resentment into anger.

How dare he expect this of you? How deceitful to re-write history? How disrespectful to treat you like his own personal emotional dustbin?

He's old and grieving...so what? Did he step up for you when you were young and struggling! No.

He was busy playing happy families. Well that's his bed he can lie in it.

Same for your PIL - if they get to a point they want your help they too can bugger right off.

Truth is, it is your turn now. You've done your part raising your family without their help and they've no right to "shit sandwich" you between caring for your children and caring for them.

Speak to your father and make the situation clear that you're not going to facilitate this dynamic any more.

The ball is in his court to change his behaviour towards you and if he doesn't then you're done. Blocked, no contact. He can rely on those to whom he's given of his best, not his worst.

The difficulty in these types of situations is really allowing yourself to feel that you are entitled to think of yourself and act for yourself on this one. That rubbishy treatment will have in some way led you to think you're not deserving of selfish actions like just completely ignoring your fucked up dad who can ask his wonderful step children if he's got problems. You don't owe HIM anything but actually you owe YOURSELF nice treatment and just because he & your SM didn't give you that doesn't mean you're not deserving of it.

Long and difficult thing to really internalise though. First step is maybe block him for one day on your phone and see how you go.

They can expect you to help out all they want. However they don't get to dictate what you do. Stop answering the phone to your dad. Or if you answer and he starts whinging, then tell him you have to go and hang up. Point him in the direction of a bereavement group and tell him they are more likely to listen to him and understand. If he needs care later on don't take it on. If he gives your details to gp/hospital etc at any point, tell them to delete your details as you are not a point of contact. Give the details of his adored dsc instead.

As for your inlaws, don't give them a second thought. You don't have to lift a finger to help them. If your Dh chooses to help them then that's his decision but make it clear that you won't be involved at all.

@dancealittleclosertome

You don't owe them anything. Tell them you're too busy - claim to be at work even if you're not. You reap what you sow and they've sown nothing.

Exactly this. Fuck them Op. You owe them nothing. Re your Dad calling, put your phone on silent. You don’t have to answer. I like what a PP said about being busy (even if you’re not). I know it sounds drastic, but I’d even consider moving if they live nearby.

I think these are things that you might find helpful to explore with a counsellor.

I agree you don't own anyone anything. Your in-laws sound awful and your father has behaved very poorly.

However, although I do believe that 'what goes around comes around' we don't generally help, support and care for our family members because we 'owe' them but because we love them.

In your situation I would give serious thought to a frank conversation with your father. It just may be possible that you can let go of some of the frustration and hurt you feel and experience a sense of resolution.

Don't feel bad, op, they reap what they sow. You are not a horrible person, you sound very kind so now be kind to yourself and cut them all off. Your dad's step kids can take care of him if he's so wonderful. Don't feel obliged to your in laws either, let others deal with them too. Concentrate on your family and be happy!

You know how you’ve been treated op, but seem unsure exactly how pissed off you should be and therefore how much you are justified in telling em all to poke it.
Trust your gut.
It’s telling you to back away from them all. You’re feeling a sense of ‘duty’ as a daughter and daughter-in-law. Where was their kindness and duty of care towards you?

Amazing how you get to a stage in your life and can see things so clearly, like a fog lifting.

In your position I'd have a bit of counselling and figure out what you might want from him and if refusing to step in might leave you with lingering regret. You could decide not to get involved at all, or there might be a way to negotiate a healthy relationship for the last bit of his life, without it being about you shouldering a burden.

You are not horrible.

There is a strange juxtaposition of an old, frail person and how they have treated you and how their personality changes.

When relatives get old people go Aw and all soppy. They have no idea of the hurt these relatives caused and continue to cause.

The old person who once wielded such power becomes depleted and manipulative and needy.

After 2 years of absolutely no contact with my parents, I've found a sort of peace and can forgive them. I can now manage short, occasional contact by phone, but I know that any more than that is unwise.

You might forgive him (if you want to) and any bitterness you now feel will almost certainly lessen, but you need distance for that. You can only move past this once it is no longer happening. The frequent contact is a constant reminder of how badly you have been treated, and it is feeding the resentment and bitterness inside you. Cut off that supply and you will be able to heal.

I think the best thing you could do for yourself is counselling.

I think everyone is right. He decided who to spend his time and attention with and that is where he needs to go now. If you don't want to have a one off leave me alone conversation with him, I would suggest some stock answers at the ready. If he mentions being lonely, say but you spend all your time with them so go speak to them and share memories (ie we don't have any together). Sorry you are feeling xxxxx but as they know your life better from spending time with you they will be able to help better than I. Throw each thing back with that he spent all his time with them so you have no connection to now listen to his problems. And the in-laws as your children have grown and they can't interfere with raising the kids then just sent hubby round and sit back and relax. If they complain just be honest say I'm enjoying my free time now I have it. I have many years to catch up on. If you keep giving in and listening they will expect more and more. I found with one relative a light bulb went off one day and realised no matter what I did it was never enough or good enough and I was so stressed with it so decided one of would be happy and that would be me!

OP,

It is just female conditioning that is making you feel that you have to step up.

Your gut is screaming at you about the injustice of it all.

Don't ignore your gut.

It is trying to protect you from female conditioning.

Beware female conditioning 😱😱

Op, do not feel guilty. Don’t put up with his whining and moaning. Why should you be burdened?
My ‘father’ left me and my siblings when we were very young . He went to live in Canada.
He remarried and had three children
He barely wrote, did not provide any financial support, never visited us and in fact said that his new children were his ‘real ‘ family and that my siblings and I were our mother’s kids
. As a child , I would plead with him to visit and he always promised that he would. He never did. When I was in my twenties I saved up money to visit him in Canada . His wife resented my presence and treated me like crap. At this point I decided enough was enough and went NC with him
Years later, my step siblings contacted me and my siblings to ask for help to look after ‘our father’ who was now elderly and infirm. I told them that as far as I was concerned I didn’t have a father. I felt no guilt or shame.

Since I became an adult my favourite saying regarding family is 'You reap what you sow'

My parents, both raging narcissists, made my childhood shit because they constantly put themselves first. Even after my father tried to abandon us on the other side of the world, my mother chose to stay with him. 8 years later he went off with another woman anyway. That was 32 years ago and I've had no contact since with my father. He's probably dead now.

My mother expected me (as the only girl - sexist, to boot) to basically take the place of my father - expected me to listen to all her woes, even to financially support her and give up my future (like 3 of her brothers did for their mother) and live with her. I made it clear that wasn't happening - an awful position to be put in at the age of 25.

I moved to the other side of the world 26 years ago and have been there ever since. I've seen my mother for the grand total of about 4 months in that time...and this present moment I've not seen her in 12 years. I call her on average every 2 months. She's 80 this year and I've always made it clear that her elderly care is up to her to organise - I owe her nothing.

Go and get some counselling I would - not to churn up the past but to plan for the future without guilt. It’s your life - do not let this lot, who did fuck all for you, steal your life. You have got to be tough with them or you will only have your self to blame.

Block your father, it will just flip to voicemail, so you can check them if you want (weekly) - if he needs anything get all your step sibs contacts and pass issues to them. He’s been their Dad not yours. Throw your boundaries up now, it will only get worse. Keep 95 % of comms with him by email or letter.

Same with your in laws but milder, decide what time you will allow them - 1 Eve per fortnight or whatever it is, and don’t give them any more than that. Make sure your DP does the running around.

Focus your time on maintaining or building friendships that will sustain you in later life, and on having a good relationship w your partner and kids.

I'd tell exactly what you have written here. Don't leave anything out. Then hang-up and let him wallow in his own self pity.

To help you put this in perspective, a cautionary tale that I've posted about before.

Friend of mine experienced a somewhat similar situation.

Not with step siblings but her older brother who despite being a lazy, feckless and arrogant bugger was the "golden child" that could do no wrong.

Got loads of financial support (wedding paid for, house deposit etc many tens of thousands of pounds) plus practical help when moving/gardening/childcare etc etc.

Friend got nothing. Left home when she went to Uni and was expected after that to fend for herself (her bedroom was turned into a "gaming room" for her brother who still lived at home the day after she graduated).

Understandably she was pretty low contact with them for years. Then out of the blue she got a cry for help as they became ill/frail.

She, perhaps like you, thought they'd mellowed in old age and this was a last opportunity to find a way to get some closure by supporting them and frankly for them to see she was a better person than her brother who was "too busy" to help.

So yes, she "stepped up" for 2 years (visits, being a taxi service, organising every aspect of their care) until her mother died and her father went into sheltered accommodation (which she organised). Still visited him every 3/4 days. Predictably her brother in this time did bugger all but was treated as the prodigal son when he visited bi-annually.

The killer blow - guess who was the only beneficiary of their fathers will (her mother's estate went to her husband)?

Yup....I don't need to tell you the answer.

She ended up in therapy because she struggled to get over how having been low contact she'd still let herself get "played".

Thankfully happy ending in she's very successful in her career, solid marriage, lovely kids/home/lifestyle and her brother is divorced and broke having squandered his inheritance on various business "opportunities" (vanity projects) and sees his kids less than his sister does, friend having become close with his Ex-wife after bonding over what a nasty person he was.

Suggest you personally avoid the shitty bit in the middle and go straight to being happy OP by calling time on your fathers behaviour.