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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Opinions Required - My OH can’t let go of his ex wife

34 replies

KitKatLife101 · 14/06/2021 21:31

I’d like to think that I’m a reasonable person and normally don’t get too fussed over things but I have this terrible feeling that my OH is still in love with his ex wife. His ex wife finished their relationship when their DD was only one years old. The ex wife very quickly moved on and got remarried leaving my OH heartbroken. This was a good few years ago and we are now due to be married and have a DS together. I can’t however shift the feeling that although he’s happy with me and loves our family, in an ideal world he’d be back with his ex wife and their child. Amongst many other comments he has recently said how he wishes his DD would remember him and his ex wife being together and the lovely things they did as a family. I think what I’m trying to say is that I feel second best and that although he’s really good to me his preference would be to have been allowed to stay with his wife and DD.

OP posts:
Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 14/06/2021 21:44

If you feel this way OP, I'd certainly be having second thoughts about marrying him, after all, who wants to feel like second best? Have you discussed with him how these comments make you feel? If not, then you need to do so, that way he will know what he's doing to your self confidence, and if he continues to do it, then I'd really re-think whether I wanted to be with a man like this.

Rewis · 14/06/2021 21:51

Have you talked about this with him? I'm not the first to yell couples counselling but I think it would be good for you. Also, put the wedding on good until you have worked through this.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/06/2021 21:52

Mourning the loss of the family he thought his daughter would have is reasonable but shouldn’t be making you feel second best so it’s probably other things making you feel that way?

If you don’t feel the relationship is giving you what you need then please postpone the wedding and give yourself time to think.

I’m a stepmum and we have a child together. I’d been married before too. I’ve never felt second best, DH isn’t my second best. He’s my choice, every day. He makes me feel the same.

Sorry you’re going through this.

LeafBeetle · 14/06/2021 21:58

I think feeling sad for his DD that she has divorced parents doesn't necessarily mean you are second best, as it was expressed from her point of view rather than his.

I'm not divorced myself but a good friend of mine is. She was devastated to get divorced, which wasn't her choice, and the effect that it had on her DC. But at the same time I know that she truly loves her new husband (who is a much nicer person than her ex). I think that feelings of sadness and regret about the past don't necessarily mean your partner doesn't love you.

Have you told him how this comment made you feel?

Emmelina · 15/06/2021 11:37

It sounds like if his ex wife were to reach out, he would drop you in a heartbeat.
I couldn’t be with someone who would do that. Flowers

Taikoo · 15/06/2021 11:46

Yeah, I'd not be marrying him and actually I'd ditch him.
Fuck that now.

InnaBun · 15/06/2021 11:48

Do not marry him until you have talked this through.

Bibidy · 15/06/2021 11:53

How long since they split OP?

I would definitely speak to him about this because it's not OK for him to say those things to you about wishing his daughter could remember him and ex together etc - even if he is just speaking from a parental point of view rather than his own desire to be that unit again. He must understand that what he's said is hurtful to you.

If anything, he should be glad that his daughter can't remember them being together as it means she hasn't had the upset of dealing with her parents splitting up.

WettyHainthrop · 15/06/2021 12:07

@Emmelina

It sounds like if his ex wife were to reach out, he would drop you in a heartbeat. I couldn’t be with someone who would do that. Flowers
I think you’re right. Sad
Original poster
KitKatLife101 · 15/06/2021 12:39

This is precisely my point, if the ex wife wasn’t happily married and reached out would he go back to make the relationship work I think he would.

OP posts:
Original poster
KitKatLife101 · 15/06/2021 12:40

It’s been 8 years since they split. I know as much as it wasn’t his decision and it also sounds like she already was emotionally involved with someone else the last back end of their relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
KitKatLife101 · 15/06/2021 12:41

I agree with you I think the wedding should be postponed.

OP posts:
Iggi999 · 15/06/2021 12:43

Even if you do split up, it could be better to be married first - you have a dc you said? Would depend on your own financial situation. Not very romantic I know, sorry.

gamerchick · 15/06/2021 12:48

@KitKatLife101

This is precisely my point, if the ex wife wasn’t happily married and reached out would he go back to make the relationship work I think he would.
I wouldn't marry him and I'd be having this conversation with him when you tell him that. It's not fair on you.
InnaBun · 15/06/2021 12:50

@Iggi999

Even if you do split up, it could be better to be married first - you have a dc you said? Would depend on your own financial situation. Not very romantic I know, sorry.
Would they have to be married for 2 years though?
KrisAkabusi · 15/06/2021 12:55

Are you sure it's him and not you? You keep saying I have a feeling, I have a terrible feeling, I think, etc. But you don't say that he has ever expressed such feelings. There's nothing wrong with his comment. Surely we all want our kids to have happy memories, and remember good times, not bad. You need to have a conversation with him. He could be stunned that you feel like this, because it in no way represents how he feels.

PinkiOcelot · 15/06/2021 12:56

That’s awful that you feel like that. You should always be someone’s number 1 and you don’t feel you are. Definitely postpone the wedding.

rainbowstardrops · 15/06/2021 12:57

I think you need to talk to him about how you're feeling and certainly before you get married.

FlyNow · 15/06/2021 13:22

Hmm, not sure about this one. If he really does want to get back with her, that's obviously not great. However on face value the comment is reasonable. It would have been more ideal if his first marriage had worked out, in the sense that no one hopes to get divorced. However it didn't. It doesn't mean that you are second best, more that life happened and he is now happy with you.

mrsplum2015 · 15/06/2021 13:27

Don't ignore this feeling

I separated from my ex h and my first new

Partner was like this. I always felt second best and thought maybe it was normal.

I have since begun a new relationship where my current partner tells me all the time how great I am and how we're so well matched and he feels like I'm his "one".

I totally believe him as I love him more than I ever loved my ex h.

NakedNugget · 15/06/2021 14:02

All the wonderful things they did together as a family? DD was one when he left? How much could they have possibly done?

suspiria777 · 15/06/2021 14:23

Have you had a child together, is it on the way, or is it just a plan? the answer changes things.

Original poster
KitKatLife101 · 15/06/2021 15:28

I honestly thought the same there’s only a year of life together with their child

OP posts:
Original poster
KitKatLife101 · 15/06/2021 15:28

We have a newborn DS together now

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 15/06/2021 15:36

As you have a newborn is it possible he’s been thrown backwards emotionally to the kind of point where she left him? Making him wonder what might have been?

I think this deserves serious consideration by both of you and quite possibly some counselling for him to be certain that he knows what he wants.

I hope it’s just a bit of post baby emotional turmoil which he’ll come through. Of course it is possible that your own vulnerability has made you read more into his comments in which case he needs to be more sensitive. You need a serious conversation to bring this into the open.

Best wishes