AIBU to ask how you coped with postnatal anxiety?

[WhereTheNorthwindGoes]

Posting here for traffic. My DD has just turned 5 months old and I am consumed with anxiety about her development. I think I have reason to worry though the health visitor disagrees for the moment - she doesn't roll, she struggles to hold her head up in tummy time and hates it, is nowhere near crawling. On the plus side, she can sit with support, can sit in a high chair, laughs a lot, is sociable and vocal and reaches for toys (and keeps pulling down her toy arch). She is a very happy baby.

When my DD was born I had severe anxiety (I needed the mental health crisis team) and it's just morphed from one thing to another. Initially it was me dying, then her dying and now it's her development. Though I feel like I have a reason to be worried, rationally I know the level of obsession and worry is down to my anxiety. I spend all day googling conditions and "testing" her.

I'm with the perinatal mental health team and am on antipsychotic medication, partly to help me sleep. I'm not able to take antidepressants. But I don't know what else to do now. I've been ill mostly for 5 months now. I've been advised to get out more and I do - today I went to our first baby group since they've all been closed and ended up crying afterwards with anxiety of all she wasn't doing compared to other babies. But I know even if there is something wrong with her, what is my anxiety actually achieving?

I read lots about postnatal depression but very little about anxiety.

If you've had postnatal anxiety when did you start feeling better? What helped? How are you now?

I know it's AIBU but please don't be too harsh with me!

Hi OP. I had it after both of mine - it's awful and my heart goes out to you. The only thing that "cured" mine was CBT. I still occasionally have to use some of the exercises but don't consider myself to have pna any more, I'm functioning normally now. Throw yourself into it, dedicate yourself to the exercises and I'm sure it'll help you xxx

Hi there OP. I was diagnosed with postnatal anxiety after the birth of my first son, but only three years after he was born, & following counselling sessions. It was a very very difficult time because it is all consuming. It takes over your thoughts completely.

I just grew out of it, as he got older I became less & less anxious but it did noticeably reduce for me over time. I was over it by the time he had turned 4. I then fell pregnant again & I knew I suffered with PNA so I was determined not to relive the same experience; my GP prescribed me sertraline which was a game changer; it cut the anxiety & the obsessive over-thinking down & enabled me to enjoy those first years with my son. I know you said you can’t take antidepressants but perhaps it’s worth talking with your GP & your health contacts to find an anti-anxiety med that could work for you?

Looking back I wish I’d taken meds sooner with my first son. Post natal anxiety can be treated x

You definitely don’t have cause for concern - no five month olds are crawling!

Anxiety is an awful, debilitating thing. Please seek support from your HV and GP

I had it but didn't want to take ADs. Luckily it got better with time.

I found anxiety crippling and more difficult to deal with than depression, the only thing that helped either were meds. If you can't take AD's try a magnesium supplement. There are lots of different types, don't worry about which one, just take the one you can get cheaply and easily.
Its good for depression and anxiety, it can't do any harm and if its going to help you'll see a difference in about 2-3 weeks.

The other thing that works is controlled breathing for the vagus nerve. I promise its not just a load of woo. It switches off the flight or fight response.
While counting you breathe in through your nose, hold, then breathe out through your mouth. Your goal is to be able to count steadily up to 5 or 6. Practice every day, every time you remember.
<a class="break-all" href="https://web.archive.org/web/20190511203459/www.thecut.com/2019/05/i-now-suspect-the-vagus-nerve-is-the-key-to-well-being.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">web.archive.org/web/20190511203459/www.thecut.com/2019/05/i-now-suspect-the-vagus-nerve-is-the-key-to-well-being.html

Hi OP, I suffered with this with both my boys. It’s six years between them because I just couldn’t face going through it again. With my first the anxiety was immediate as soon as he was born, I was in a very dark place. With my second it took longer to develop as I had a strong mental health team around me. But I still crashed eventually. I took AD’s, sleeping tablets, beta blockers and was receiving CBT as an outpatient. It’s crippling.

I can especially relate to the googling and “testing”. I did this too. I was also convinced that I would have to go to prison (although no idea what for) so I’d spend hours every day writing lists with instructions to everyone. Can you access CBT support? Can you get betablockers for the physical symptoms of anxiety? I found that once I got better control of the physical side of the panic attacks it became easier (over time) to talk myself down from the worst talk escalations. I also made sure I was outside for two hours a day walking. I found that a routine and structure to the day helped to and I used to be pretty rigid when I was feeling my worst. 7:00 shower, 7:15 get dressed, 7:30 coffee etc. I used to set alarms on my phones every 15-30 minutes with what was coming next. It helped to control the intrusive thoughts as I would go “oh alarm, time to make coffee” and so that forced my mind to do something and it interrupted the thoughts. I never got on well with meditation or mindfulness even though I would have liked go. It just never worked on my mind as it was always buzzing. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t silence it so rather than force it I tried to structure my day. Hang in there. It’s awful, really awful. Lots of love.

Thank you everyone for sharing your experiences and suggestions. It doesn't seem like there's much out there on anxiety. Crippling is the right word. It's all I can think about and what scares me is what if she's fine and starts rolling etc and then I just move onto the next thing and then the next? It's absolutely destroying my time with her and I am exhausted. A big part of me thinks though what if it's not anxiety and it's just my instinct screaming something is wrong (what I'm worried about is cerebral palsy) and it's being missed? So tiring to go round in these circles.

I don't find mindfulessness helpful either and I've done CBT in the past but might ask to be referred again. I have weekly appointments with my CPN at the moment. My anxiety improved for a week or two but then when DD started being late/missing these gross motor milestones I've just collapsed again.

Yes I had PN anxiety after having DS. I self referred to IAPT and saw a counsellor / did CBT. I also took sertraline. DS is 2 now and I wouldn't say its gone away completely but it's got better. Good luck OP, just make sure you can find someone to talk to honestly and get whatever help you need.

I found walking to be very helpful - even just on my own with the baby. It’s all good- change of scene, exercise, fresh air. I think it’s always worse to be sitting inside on your own.
Don’t google things. Find a nice TV programme that’s got loads of episodes and watch that.
Be honest with your partner/parents/friends (as appropriate) about how you’re feeling if you haven’t told them already. I think sometimes just saying things out loud to someone often helps a lot in itself, because otherwise things just get bottled up and go round and round in your head and you catastrophise.
All that and ADs, but if you can’t take any of them then the above may help. I hope so xx

I had it (undiagnosed) after my second child. I had horrible intrusive thoughts about things that could happen to her and constantly worried that she wasnt getting enough milk/was too thin/was ill. It ruined my first 3 months with her but then I started doing really intensive exercise routines (from YouTube) every morning and basically busting a gut seemed to help a lot. Like a pp if ever I felt the urge to google id watch something gentle instead (old episodes of friends were my go to). It did pass with time.

This was me after the birth of DS1. Although I’ve always suffered anxiety. I started meditating (still do, you need to be consistent) and my anxiety is now pretty much non existent.

There are apps you can download for guided meditations. I’d recommend Calm, but I’ve also heard great things about Headspace too.

Just wanted to say I completely sympathise as I have had this with both of my kids and I promise it DOES get better. I especially found once they weren't so "little" I calmed down a bit but I do still struggle sometimes. You are spot on that it is crippling and exhausting and ruins your precious time with your baby. In the end I got so desperate I paid for private psychotherapy and really recommend ACT therapy. It was worth every penny. I have heard good things about EMDR too. Did you have a traumatic birth OP as this can trigger it, it certainly did with both of mine.
It does get better and you are doing everything right and your daughter sounds absolutely fine for 5 months!

No, this birth was a pretty chilled ELCS compared to the scary EMCS with my DS. But it's made me very paranoid that DD has a forceps mark on her eye - they did really struggle to get her out it felt like but nobody told me they used forceps - so I've become worried she's been brain damaged.

Like a PP, I'd also recommend magnesium supplements. They can really take the edge off and make it more bearable.

For what it's worth, your DD sounds absolutely fine. My DD never would do tummy time, never rolled, and only learned to crawl many months after she'd learned to walk at the grand old age of 21 months. Your DD is learning lots of new skills and will get there when she's ready.

Sending to you. It's so so hard but you will get through it one day.

I had this after traumatic birth and not knowing if my dc would be disabled as a result so lots of monitoring for months.

I was so anxious I found that CBT helped me take the edge off it but the best healer is time.

I think when you see their personality developing and them getting stronger and doing things they couldn’t do a few weeks ago you start to slowly trust that your dc is strong and healthy.

Everyone will say it but please remember that they all develop at different rates and all you can do is wait and flag up any concerns to your hv or gp.

A doctor told me they’d do everything in their power to ensure my dc met individual potential fully. I found that very comforting because when I stopped comparing my child to others I realised that the milestones aren’t everything...it’s the journey. Your dc needs to practice movements hundreds and thousands of times to perfect them....just watch your dc each day interacting with you and taking it all in and know that they are doing their best to learn it all and soak it all up and will get there as soon as they can.

All you can do is exactly what you are doing...being a good, supportive mother helping dc on their own unique journey. Try to breath...enjoy the little things and all the smiles and have faith that it’s going to be okay because it will and you can get through it.

Try to get some CBT if you can and stay away from google and avoid comparing your dc to other babies...the differences are vast to begin with but in a few years things will even out.

Ah op, postnatal anxiety is horrific and I’d never heard of it until after the birth of my second when a very perceptive doctor spotted it within a matter of minutes. I was prescribed propranolol (not sure of the spelling) and he told me it’s nothing be ashamed of and gp’s often have to treat their colleagues with it. I remember when the panic took me, feeling like I couldn’t breathe, a constant knotted up stomach, heart racing, mind out of control.

I see you’re already on meds. I think the thing for me was knowing what it was, telling myself it’s the anxiety talking not reality and working on seeing it for what it is. Healing comes in different forms for different people. For what it’s worth, both of mine weren’t crawling or rolling at five months, in fact it was several months after. I remember the pitying looks at baby groups with my first, and now she wins all the races at school with ease. She’s in the top groups for reading and writing at school. She didn’t walk until 18 months. To help yourself, I’d say despite the huge pull of Dr Google, stop yourself, if things were as easy as that to diagnose there would be no need for doctors (not saying doctors are always right before anyone gets their knickers in a twist) but I fell into the dark pit of consulting Google and all it did was act as food for my anxiety. I really hope you feel better soon, I’m also surprised it’s not spoken about more despite being rather common.

I suffer with it too and am really struggling.
My step MIL let mum baby get sunburned which is the main reason - I have cried everyday since and
constantly worry about it.

I've had a horrific day for panic and anxiety and all but convinced myself my DD has cerebral palsy. I've noticed she uses one hand a lot more than the other. And now my worries are rubbing off on DH who is also now worrying about her development. So maybe it's not anxiety and something is really wrong??

We all use one hand more than the other... because we are all either left or right handed xx

Oh Op, this brings back memories. I had an awful time with it. DH quit work for 6 months as I was in such a bad way. I’m so sorry, spend more time with people, speak to your doctor if your meds aren’t working. I was put on meds but they didn’t work & I didn’t go back. I really should have. It didn’t go until I returned to work. It was a terrible time. My heart goes out to you, your not alone in this even though it feels that way

Valium- or diazepam as it is, a very low dose, 2mg twice a day for me really saved me. I took it mostly for about 2 months, but after the 6 weeks was happy to go down to one a day. You are in a state of constant panic and the perinatal mental health can help you. Ask them for it. You need to try it and it sounds very much like you need it.

@Flamingo1980

We all use one hand more than the other... because we are all either left or right handed xx

It's not normal in babies. But I've been talking myself down with watching videos, he does use both hands, slightly prefers the left. He also now raises both legs to thump them down on the cot which I don't think he could do if he had hemiplegia.

WhiteSquare, my medication is emphatically not working. I'm not allowed antidepressants because of the risk of mania but I'm going to ask for them since I've got antipsychotics as a buffer. I can't do this anymore. It is ruining my life.

@Hollowtree3

Valium- or diazepam as it is, a very low dose, 2mg twice a day for me really saved me. I took it mostly for about 2 months, but after the 6 weeks was happy to go down to one a day. You are in a state of constant panic and the perinatal mental health can help you. Ask them for it. You need to try it and it sounds very much like you need it.

I was on diazapam for a month or so before - it didn't help me unfortunately. I was on 5mg twice a day.

Sertraline was the only thing that saved me tbh.

Please remember these worries are anxiety putting negative thoughts in to your head, your DH is only panicking because (like I did) you’ll be so convinced you’re right that you’ll be making a very compelling case (I’ve been there). If you look hard enough you’ll find plenty things “wrong” which will lead to you making more diagnoses, you’ll find many stories of gps and other medical professionals getting it wrong because subconsciously you’re looking for it and because it’s quite rare it receives more attention in the public eye, all you’re doing right now is feeding the monster.

My partner (after hearing probably my 50th diagnosis) told me that I was wasting valuable time worrying about things that didn’t exist and putting my anxieties on to dd. That helped wake me up as my own parents were very anxious and I still suffer the effects now and as you know it’s far from pleasant. Please op, for your own good, stay away from google, I learnt that the hard way and still have to stop myself now (mine are 5 & 8 now) because I know I’ll revert back to that terrible dark place and take my family with me. Keep talking on here, when you feel the google pull come here. Anxiety is extremely under rated but it’s so powerful, you’ll probably have to try many more techniques/maybe meds before you feel better.