AIBU to ask how you coped with postnatal anxiety?

[WhereTheNorthwindGoes]

Posting here for traffic. My DD has just turned 5 months old and I am consumed with anxiety about her development. I think I have reason to worry though the health visitor disagrees for the moment - she doesn't roll, she struggles to hold her head up in tummy time and hates it, is nowhere near crawling. On the plus side, she can sit with support, can sit in a high chair, laughs a lot, is sociable and vocal and reaches for toys (and keeps pulling down her toy arch). She is a very happy baby.

When my DD was born I had severe anxiety (I needed the mental health crisis team) and it's just morphed from one thing to another. Initially it was me dying, then her dying and now it's her development. Though I feel like I have a reason to be worried, rationally I know the level of obsession and worry is down to my anxiety. I spend all day googling conditions and "testing" her.

I'm with the perinatal mental health team and am on antipsychotic medication, partly to help me sleep. I'm not able to take antidepressants. But I don't know what else to do now. I've been ill mostly for 5 months now. I've been advised to get out more and I do - today I went to our first baby group since they've all been closed and ended up crying afterwards with anxiety of all she wasn't doing compared to other babies. But I know even if there is something wrong with her, what is my anxiety actually achieving?

I read lots about postnatal depression but very little about anxiety.

If you've had postnatal anxiety when did you start feeling better? What helped? How are you now?

I know it's AIBU but please don't be too harsh with me!

Thank you, I know I need to stop googling but I'm struggling to stop. I may just post on here but a lot of my googling also takes me to MN threads! It's so shit. My baby is really lovely - sunny, chilled out and loves watching the world. I'd be loving this if not for my anxiety. Because of anxiety I keep thinking their chilled out nature must be a sign of autism. It is so tiring.

Updating this thread (not sure why!) again to say thanks. I had another appointment with the perinatal team where I broke down totally. My dose of antipsychotics has been increased in preparation for adding setraline. They've also contacted my health visitor so I can talk in detail about my anxieties to her and she can hopefully reassure me, or refer further (she is very good, I respect her opinion). My CPN also called my husband to explain all this and also tell him I need to sleep. I've been too anxious to go into the spare room and let him do a night feed, and my baby has been waking up every 45 minutes so I've had about 2 hours sleep a night for months. I'm going to try and sleep in the spare room tonight, I may take the monitor otherwise I will keep checking but will turn the sound off. Wish me luck.

I swapped google for Netflix, staying away from anything my anxiety would love, so things like Marvel series where I know it’s not based on real life!

Great news about a plan for you. No wonder your anxiety is especially powerful at the moment, not getting enough sleep consistently can cause chaos in your head. Honestly, those intense emotions about dc coming to harm, I get it. I regularly had to check my two were breathing every night, it was literally hourly, I thought I’d get better when they weren’t babies but no I was still checking when they were toddlers, my anxiety was having a field day! Then the constant googling of any tiny symptom, it’s relentless. I am so much better now (I still have my moments), hopefully you’ll start getting some sleep 💤

OP I had it after two of mine. The first time I used to dream of lost her, couldn’t find her, I’d wake up in the night and think what if I died now, and then that lead to insomnia. Was a terrible time and it lasted a good few years because of other contributors (grief, stress, low mood). It faded when I became happier in myself then it happened all over again when my second daughter was born early. I was poorly and I believed it was my fault she was early, I had panic attacks, I couldn’t sleep it was terrible. I still have moments now but a few years on it has faded. The best thing you can do is talk to people about it, don’t keep it in. The more you share the easier it gets to deal with, like I would think when I would wake up in the middle of the night, oh your just been stupid nothings going to happen.

CBT saved me when I had postnatal anxiety. I am so sorry you are going through this.

Mine lifted about 80% suddenly when my baby had just turned 1. The remaining 20%, I can handle.

I hope that you find something that works for you soon

Sertraline saved my life, it truly did. Glad to hear you’re getting help. It is hell. Time also helps too, you’ll get there.

So sorry to hear this OP . I wish someone prepared me for the high levels of anxiety and depression post baby. For me though it got a lot better after 1. One thing that most definitely helped was getting out more, meeting other mums, spending time outdoors and just taking it easy on myself. Keep yourself distracted too if you can. My boy never crawled. Ever. Imagine what was going through my head when at 1 he still wasn't crawling, kicking his legs, and had extra health issues because of this. Then suddenly 2 weeks after turning 1, he walked. Just like that. He still isn't as good as others with his fine motor skills but that's fine, I realise he'll take his own time. He also didn't have any teeth come through at all till he was 1. All of his friends/cousins had their bottom 2 teeth out by then. And again all of a sudden his top two teeth pierced through followed by 4 others within the space of a few weeks.

I think the anxiety about harm coming to either of you is very normal, I read so many posts regarding it in my whattoexpect app. And i remember feeling it too. Sometimes I still have those thoughts but they become more passing and I proactively wrote a will. A lot of these scenarios are hypothetical so stressing over something which probably won't even occur is such a waste. Thinking like this helps me calm down.

Do you have a partner to help or speak to? Do you have a good friends circle to keep you occupied?

A friend of mine spent the first year convinced her son was autistic as he wouldn't babble or respond to his name at 5 months. Imagine! Now he's a very happy interactive 1.5 yr old at nursery. He also crawled very fast and rolled etc. I should mention my child only rolled twice, and I was really worried something was wrong, yet he babbled like crazy and would babble mama from 4.5 months when crying (he obviously wasn't calling me but the seed was setting) and he spoke very early on, now at 1.5 months none of the children around him compare when it comes to speech buuttt physical development he's probably the slowest out the bunch. My point is your baby will have her strengths and those things she'll take longer to learn/pick up. These become apparent as she grows older. My nephew didn't speak till 2.5 other than mama and dada. Now at 4 you'd never tell he spoke so so late.

Read other people's anecdotes to console yourself and keep the anxiety at bay. As for the depression for me it eased off as the hormones balanced more and I kept occupied. Could you speak to a therapist perhaps?

You've got some really great advice that I can't really add to much except to say that I'm going through the same thing with anxiety. My DS seemed to favor the left hand for a bit too but it's balanced out again a bit more now he's 2. He was also nowhere near close to crawling at that age, he finally crawled around 10 months old and didn't walk until 15 months. My anxiety has improved a bit as he's got older but the pandemic hasn't helped.

You have been really brave getting the support you need!

Hi @WhereTheNorthwindGoes

Just wondering how you're doing now?

Hi OP, same experiences here - completely understand what you say about the intrusive thoughts and dying. For me it was a mixture of time and my baby changing. Within a couple of months they will be much more robust and starting to show more of their personhood. There's something about that I found hugely relieving - it was the absolute responsibility for another human I struggled with and even being able to turn their head or hold the bars makes a difference. You're in the absolute worst bit, so grit your teeth, take the meds and wait it out x

Sorry, just saw this is an older thread! Hope you are thriving now.