Worried about Neighbours' friend comment...

[DumbestBlonde]

As posted (as part of another topic) previously, I am in a bit of a Neighbour(s) from Hell situation (and I am sure they think I am one too....) - "typical" problems - noise (amplifier outside) including indredibly foul language of course, weed (x about 8-10 people sometimes), barbecues and fires, using my path when they have their own..... etc etc. All of which are making me feel as through my already diminished life is becoming smaller and smaller, with my thoughts sometimes overwhelmed by the situation. (I know, tragic.)

Last week, I had said something to a teenager visiting about the music - I simply asked if she had headphones (don't they all?) - mainly because the music from the amplifier from INside clashed terribly with whatever she was playing on her phone. I was then screamed at by the Neighbour (female) and told that they would "do it louder now". But then they went away for a few days. Such bliss - which I know is wrong of me.

ANYway - before they did, I happened to encounter a (male) friend/visitor - who obviosuly doesn't know that hostilities have been ramped up. I was just leaving and locking my door - which is right NEXT to their door (see notes re. path - no barrier etc etc).

He (male next door) has a lot of friends, and they all look very similar (I call them- in my head - the Reginalds), but this one must have never seen me before, as he - ah, oh no - SPOKE to me (!)

I was a wee bit "dressed up" and hair done etc, and he decided that flirtation was the best way to go - which I only really responded to by mentioning my daughter's age, and laughing at his weird attempts to chat up a much much older lady. The NDN was not asnwering the door and the "Reginald" said, "Ooh, I bet they're having sex..."
I sighed - got into my car and drove away and was gone for most of the day.

When I came back and was getting things out of my car - about 11pm - he and NDN just parked his car (I suspect drink driving was involved) and he approached me again. As I was putting the seats back up in the rear of my car (bike had been in it), he held a hand out to help me and pulled me towards him rather too closely. I again laughed it off and NDN told him to "come on, twat". (Music and noise then went on for a long time....sigh)

So, this person visited again last night, a few hours after NDNs came back from their short break. I am not SO nosey that I actually listen - but they are so loud and so close that if I set foot outside, I can hear some of what is being said whether I want to or not. I water my few plants later in the evening and just as I opened the patio doors, I heard the very same person say, "And I'm coming back to f**k your next door neighbour".

[The house on the other side is empty, so it's not someone else.]

Cue much laughing , even though he sounded semi-serious....

I do feel vulnerable here (and in the wider area, I hate to say)' things like this do highlught it, because I don't really know what I can do. The difficulties with the NDNs have escalated to a sort of bullying, as they know I am by myself and no-one really even comes here (just the one friend I talked about before). At "best", I am ignored - and at worst (so far), life made difficult/NO consideration at all - and if I say anything at all, I am spoken to like shit.

I know age shouldn't be a factor, but they are I think about eight years younger than my own daughter - I am so ashamed of how this is playing out - and it must be said, find what the friend said last night quite worrying...... (almost sure it was a joke, for the laughs (again, at my expense).

I am mainly ranting (yes, I know it's AIBU), but I would be interested to hear some other views x

To those who don't understand why I am using wry humour (and yes, the - arguably - witty names I am using do make me feel "better"), if I posted how I really feel - withOUT lightening it a little - I feel sure I would be directed to the Samaritans, GP, Counselling,some other professional sedrvice, because I just don't have anyone who cares in real life.

@lughnasadh

Thank you - you get it

Cry of the drama-llamas everywhere.

I probably AM being a little dramatic - I have admitted that. But this is a situation that has ground me down over time, and I feel very powerless. My expectations of myself are very low, just semi-functioning is an accomplishment; and this shit plays a massive part. Being a "drama-llama" is probably just your opinion....

I get why you feel vulnerable OP, especially after what you e just said about throwing things at your house!!
Honestly, I would look at the reality of moving elsewhere, if you do keep it as quiet as you can so hopefully they won’t realise

I can imagine this

You’ll be hiding out not going out your front door til the coast is clear. I think all you can do is keep a diary

Is the property next door rented?

What he said was very crass of course but given what you’ve described of your previous interactions with him, I can totally see a conversation between him and nightmare NDN along the lines of him finding you attractive, her telling him how awful you are, him winding NDN up because of not liking you and him declaring I’m coming back to fuck your NDN. Not ok by any means but when you bear in mind the number of men who can’t imagine a woman who wouldn’t want to be fucked by god’s gift to us all …

To me your posts suggest that you’re seeing every interaction with anyone even associated with your neighbours as a continuation of the ongoing problem with the neighbours, even to the point you seem to expect that any visitor or acquaintance would know that “hostilities have ramped up”. Why would everyone calling to that house know the ins and outs of the issues between you and NDN? They have no reason to.

It seems to me that this situation is constantly at the front of your mind which is understandable and I sympathise but I don’t think it’s healthy to view everything through the lens of your relationship with nightmare NDN.

You have my deepest sympathy OP how dire. I'd invest in a couple of Rottweilers or Dobies if moving isn't an option and get the scummers reported. Daily.

@TheMethodicalMeerkat

What he said was very crass of course but given what you’ve described of your previous interactions with him, I can totally see a conversation between him and nightmare NDN along the lines of him finding you attractive, her telling him how awful you are, him winding NDN up because of not liking you and him declaring I’m coming back to fuck your NDN. Not ok by any means but when you bear in mind the number of men who can’t imagine a woman who wouldn’t want to be fucked by god’s gift to us all …

To me your posts suggest that you’re seeing every interaction with anyone even associated with your neighbours as a continuation of the ongoing problem with the neighbours, even to the point you seem to expect that any visitor or acquaintance would know that “hostilities have ramped up”. Why would everyone calling to that house know the ins and outs of the issues between you and NDN? They have no reason to.

It seems to me that this situation is constantly at the front of your mind which is understandable and I sympathise but I don’t think it’s healthy to view everything through the lens of your relationship with nightmare NDN.

You're right, with a clearer objective viewpoint, that I wish I had. I was surprised to hear what was said. as I do not especially feel that I usually am - or should be - a topic of their conversations. (I don't really know though...... as I don't eavesdrop.....)

When I know that they tell their friends to park bumper to bumper with me, to climb over the gate I have put up to prevent using the path to my door, when they discuss how close they should stand to make sure I get maximum weed smoke, then THEY are the ones who have ME on their minds. I am not wrong about that, I am sorry to say [shame]

But I am wrong to have it be at the forefront of my mind - and feel sure there is some psychological problem (that I must have - haha) causing a person's focus to be on the wrong thing, to the detriment of every other aspect of life. But I just have to get the whiff of weed coming through my slighly open patio doors, and I literally feel my anxiety levels rise - because, what can I do? I'm powerless..... And even if it just that "one" thing, all the other unresolved issues crowd into my mind as well

It sounds horrific. I’d report to housing if it’s social housing or to the council about noise. It must be horrible to feel like that in your own home.

@Gullible2021

It was a gross comment, along the lines of the sort of gross comments alot of men make.

But most of us learn, and at quite a young age, not to give men like this the time of day.

Anyone trying to flirt with me on my doorstep, anyone let alone someone under the influence or drink or drugs - would not have been given the time of day. I would have ignored them totally or given a blunt expressionless answer. I wouldn't have entertained them and started giving the ages of my children to them. Just blank. Ignore.

And then going on to "touch me"?! Oh hell no. He put out a hand to steady you - you didn't have to take it. I wouldn't have. I've had the hand out, pull in too close and then have a drunk weirdo getting me caught in a clinch, getting handsy situation pulled on me way too many times in my teens and twenties to have not learned from it. A stranger who gives me an off vibe who reaches out a hand to me now, just gets the hand out totally ignored. Can it be awkward? Sure. But I'd rather that than the alternative. And in a pandemic especially many people are getting used to having to a avoid an outstretched hand or attempt at a hug right now.

Just don't give these men any of your attention or headspace. Instead of overthinking it, learn to communicate clear boundaries. You can't stop men thinking or saying these things but you aren't powerless.

You are quite right. I was caught off-guard. I am way too friendly, so it must have been in part my fault.

I brought my daughter's age up to ward off the attention - as I think he thought I am younger than I am (like I said, dressed up that day). Also, I do believe that "they" think I crawled from under a rock and washed up there - never having had any more in my life than Just Me. I think I wanted to be able to say something - anything - to prove that I was once a married lady and mother (not this loser) but yes, I porbably seemed stupid.

I have forgotten any defecting techniques I might have ever possessed; they have definitely not been needed for quite some time.
Silly me.

I do sympathise OP. I hate my neighbours and have given them the affectionate names of "those cunts next door". They do take up so much head space and I hate myself for allowing it. Wherever I've lived, my neighbours have mostly been pieces of crap.
However... I do think his comment was just crass bravado and he won't actually do anything to hurt you. But I do understand how wary and vulnerable you must be feeling and why you would take it to mean more.

But I am wrong to have it be at the forefront of my mind - and feel sure there is some psychological problem (that I must have - haha) causing a person's focus to be on the wrong thing, to the detriment of every other aspect of life. But I just have to get the whiff of weed coming through my slighly open patio doors, and I literally feel my anxiety levels rise - because, what can I do? I'm powerless..... And even if it just that "one" thing, all the other unresolved issues crowd into my mind as well sad

To be clear @DumbestBlonde I don’t at all mean to suggest that you’re somehow in the wrong or that the problem is you in that way, only that I think it’s important to try to keep perspective. It’s not easy to do that in the situation you’ve described though, I won’t pretend I think it is.

Oh and there isn’t something psychologically wrong about you. Rather I would say that living like this is having an impact on your mental health. I can’t imagine how it wouldn’t - the only type of person who wouldn’t be effected by the history you’ve outlined is a person like your NDN!

I honestly think you need to try to focus on how you can remove yourself from this situation. Do you rent or own your home? Do they? Have you reported the noise disturbance or the criminal activity? You’ve referred a few times to previous posts but this is a popular site so it’s unlikely any of us have seen them to know your situation which makes it very hard to give any practical advice.

If you cannot move, get a notebook and keep a diary of absolutely everything that takes place. Dates,times,incidents, who was present. Ignore this man and do not engage with him, but keep a written record of his conduct towards you.He should not be touching you-ever! They sound a right shower. I would totally ignore them and have no contact. The diary will come in handy if you need to approach Council or police. Im sorry you are in this situation. Weed smokers are very unpredictable because like alcohol, they lose all sense of boundaries. Be wary, keep a record and definitely keep your distance.

I can't believe some of the unsympathetic comments on this thread. Of course they're at the forefront of your mind - they're an ever present nightmare and it sounds horrendous. And we've surely all deflected unwanted touching with a joke or friendly comment so as not to escalate a potentially dangerous situation. Chances are it's all bravado, but I'm not surprised you're worried. I you can't get them out of the house (contact housing association/landlord) then you'll have to make plans to move yourself, whatever it takes. Clearly you cant go on living like this.

You are quite right. I was caught off-guard.
I am way too friendly, so it must have been in part my fault.

I brought my daughter's age up to ward off the attention - as I think he thought I am younger than I am (like I said, dressed up that day). Also, I do believe that "they" think I crawled from under a rock and washed up there - never having had any more in my life than Just Me. I think I wanted to be able to say something - anything - to prove that I was once a married lady and mother (not this loser) but yes, I porbably seemed stupid.

I have forgotten any defecting techniques I might have ever possessed; they have definitely not been needed for quite some time.
Silly me.

No, not silly.

You sound exceptionally vulnerable though. I'm not expecting nor do I want you to share your life story or anything like that, but I feel like all this neighbour business isn't the only problem. You sound like some trauma or tragedy has happened, you've somehow ended up isolated and feeling alone with your self esteem in your boots. I've been there. During that time, I think I wore my pain, vulnerability and low self esteem like a badge and in response I met the bullies and abusers of life, it was like they could sniff me out. It made me be overly nice (so they wouldn't hurt me), overly sharing (so they'd know I'd been through enough and wouldn't hurt me more), overly justifying (because I wasn't sure in myself and felt guilty for existing), overly compensating (because I needed people to know I wasn't always like that), cowed (so they'd see I was vulnerable and wouldn't hurt me), overthinking (to keep me safe) etc. It backfired.

For me, counselling wasn't a cure for the trauma itself but we did work on alot of assertiveness and boundary setting. My counsellor drew attention to how I didn't need to justify anything to anyone, how I often set my self up with the wrong hand, how I was making myself more vulnerable through always having to be nice and smiley and how often what I'd obsess over and think was scary wasn't. I was living in quite an abusive set up and always had excuses as to why I couldn't leave or why I had to stay stuck in a miserable situation. She kept trying to get to the root of that and sae through every excuse. In time I got strong enough to leave and realised I'd been keeping myself stuck.

I might be massively projecting now but I do think you need help viewing yourself differently and building yourself up a bit. You are probably far stronger and far more resilient than most people, including your ndn.

Really, your home should feel safe. If it doesn't you need to make firm plans to leave or get the other party evicted. Things aren't going to improve until one of you leaves.

@TheSoapyFrog

I do sympathise OP. I hate my neighbours and have given them the affectionate names of "those cunts next door". They do take up so much head space and I hate myself for allowing it. Wherever I've lived, my neighbours have mostly been pieces of crap. However... I do think his comment was just crass bravado and he won't actually do anything to hurt you. But I do understand how wary and vulnerable you must be feeling and why you would take it to mean more.

Thank you for your sympathy - and yes, the C-U-next-Tuesdays seem to prevail don't they? I wish I had that lack of self-awareness - but consideration is like housework; invisible. They don't see that some of what you do IS considerate - neighbourly even, and they don't have to listen to music that drowns out theirs, or breathe in your fumes and smoke. But they win because what they do is overpowering.

Something I heard said recently, "If everyone you meet in a day is an arsehole, then you're the arsehole" - which is certainly food for thought..... By and large though, I am feeling that - where I am at least - people are rather selfish, and react VERY badly (and nastily) to any kind of remark or request to take into account the effect of theior actions. Plus of course, sometimes, we are all a bit too close together.

The LAST thing I want on my mind is these people, whoever they are and whatever they are doing. (And yet, I am quite a nice friend/neighbour to have.....But then I would say that )
Being forced into these circumstances and there being no escape is just so stressful

This sounds awful OP, I'm amazed you've lasted this long. I would do whatever you can to get the hell out of there. It won't be long before this is seriously affecting your MH if it isn't already. But before moving anywhere else I'd go round and knock on the neighbours doors and say you're thinking of moving there and is it a nice place to live. It should give you an idea. It might be a stretch financially but it has to be worth it for the peace of mind, I'd feel very vulnerable there alone.

Oh and I'd really recommend moving to somewhere with lots of elderly people, they tend to cause a lot less problems I find.

@Gullible2021

*You are quite right. I was caught off-guard. I am way too friendly, so it must have been in part my fault.*

I brought my daughter's age up to ward off the attention - as I think he thought I am younger than I am (like I said, dressed up that day). Also, I do believe that "they" think I crawled from under a rock and washed up there - never having had any more in my life than Just Me. I think I wanted to be able to say something - anything - to prove that I was once a married lady and mother (not this loser) but yes, I porbably seemed stupid.

I have forgotten any defecting techniques I might have ever possessed; they have definitely not been needed for quite some time.
Silly me.

No, not silly.

You sound exceptionally vulnerable though. I'm not expecting nor do I want you to share your life story or anything like that, but I feel like all this neighbour business isn't the only problem. You sound like some trauma or tragedy has happened, you've somehow ended up isolated and feeling alone with your self esteem in your boots. I've been there. During that time, I think I wore my pain, vulnerability and low self esteem like a badge and in response I met the bullies and abusers of life, it was like they could sniff me out. It made me be overly nice (so they wouldn't hurt me), overly sharing (so they'd know I'd been through enough and wouldn't hurt me more), overly justifying (because I wasn't sure in myself and felt guilty for existing), overly compensating (because I needed people to know I wasn't always like that), cowed (so they'd see I was vulnerable and wouldn't hurt me), overthinking (to keep me safe) etc. It backfired.

For me, counselling wasn't a cure for the trauma itself but we did work on alot of assertiveness and boundary setting. My counsellor drew attention to how I didn't need to justify anything to anyone, how I often set my self up with the wrong hand, how I was making myself more vulnerable through always having to be nice and smiley and how often what I'd obsess over and think was scary wasn't. I was living in quite an abusive set up and always had excuses as to why I couldn't leave or why I had to stay stuck in a miserable situation. She kept trying to get to the root of that and sae through every excuse. In time I got strong enough to leave and realised I'd been keeping myself stuck.

I might be massively projecting now but I do think you need help viewing yourself differently and building yourself up a bit. You are probably far stronger and far more resilient than most people, including your ndn.

Really, your home should feel safe. If it doesn't you need to make firm plans to leave or get the other party evicted. Things aren't going to improve until one of you leaves.

I don't see you as projecting, rather, empathising massively. And yes, you did a lot of what I have always done (there are reasons I would say), and now continue to do, although without much of a future to look forward to, and without the dubious benefit of being nicer to look at than I am now (in a world where appearance is EVERYthing).

I am the misift here, I know that. Part of it is me - an, like you, I have tried over-compensating, and that just gets met with derision, or backfires somehow. The complete isolation has been a long time coming, but is now almost complete. Maybe I wouldn't mind, if I could just not have to be hemmed in the way I am.

You are so knowledgeable about the way this "works", and I really appreciate your understanding - and so impressed by your ability to see what is happening - even though it has come from your own struggles xx

Stink bombs. Lots of them but don't just chuck them over, stealthily place the fluid inside the container, retaining the capsules, over the fence, preferably at four am when they are (fingers crossed) asleep. And use loads.

*Oh and there isn’t something psychologically wrong about you. Rather I would say that living like this is having an impact on your mental health. I can’t imagine how it wouldn’t - the only type of person who wouldn’t be effected by the history you’ve outlined is a person like your NDN!

You’ve referred a few times to previous posts but this is a popular site so it’s unlikely any of us have seen them to know your situation which makes it very hard to give any practical advice.*

The difficulty IS trying to think straight. I thought they had gone away for a week or two, and could feel myself coming back "on line" - starting to clear backlog, and planning to think of a way through, or out. But I was wrong, it was a couple of days sigh - and even so, last year, they had friends who came to "check on the house" while they were away for two weeks - and they were worse than the NDNs for music, banging and weed!

My MH has always been somewhat fragile; now it is hanging by a thread, I am sorry to say. (But so many other people do have worse problems...)

I referred to the other posts just in case someone decided to look back at what I have said in other matters (which is also neighbour-related, also about my one and only friend, who also lives very close by), which has happened, not in good way , as when I "rant" on about these things, I am sure I seem more and more unbalanced.

Still good to get others' perspectives

OP, you sound lovely. I love your gentle wit and your self awareness and your calm.

Your neighbours sound like scum, and I'm being polite. I know exactly the type of people you mean and I feel so sorry for you having to be in close proximity with them.

I don't think the comment is too much of a worry (though it's scummy too) but the whole situation sounds consuming. I do wish you'd consider moving.

@ArabellaStrange

Stink bombs. Lots of them but don't just chuck them over, stealthily place the fluid inside the container, retaining the capsules, over the fence, preferably at four am when they are (fingers crossed) asleep. And use loads.

MMM - I have gone the opposte way - Citronella incense sticks (don't last long), giant stick candles and candles in pots (not used the latter yet). I also sometimes spray Febreze, but have ended up covered in it myself! (And it is not something I actually use for it's intended purpose.)

I have a neighbour on the other side who doesn't want to smoke it in her apartment, so comes down her stairs and smokes it on the OTHER side of my fence, and it also driifts thorugh the gap between the buildings (5ft-ish) to the front of the house as well

@Funfortheroad

OP, you sound lovely. I love your gentle wit and your self awareness and your calm.

Your neighbours sound like scum, and I'm being polite. I know exactly the type of people you mean and I feel so sorry for you having to be in close proximity with them.

I don't think the comment is too much of a worry (though it's scummy too) but the whole situation sounds consuming. I do wish you'd consider moving.

Ah, thank you . I wish more people could see the good side of me.

I do think I might be being dramatic - and maybe I should be "offended" at the hearty laughter that followed his claim _ but I do just wish it wasn't happening; I can't really think straight because, as you say, it is consuming - all of the senses are affected - and the terrible sense of no escape, be it on a small or bigger scale....

If we got on better, they would probably be the "lucky" recipients of my rather reknowned hand-made cheesecakes (5-600 cals per portion!)

I think some people on this thread have no ability to empathise at all!

I totally understand where you’re coming from. It must be very stressful living next door to them. I expect you are a little over sensitive to things they do because they’ve gone way past the boundaries and irritated you. I’d probably be the same.

I would try to think as this flirty bloke as just some cocksure kid who is a bit full of himself rather than anyone dangerous. Just think “as if! In your dreams!” And try and quietly but firmly make him back off if he tries anything again. “I’m fine thanks” if he offers an arm or help..

@Honeyroar

I think some people on this thread have no ability to empathise at all!

I totally understand where you’re coming from. It must be very stressful living next door to them. I expect you are a little over sensitive to things they do because they’ve gone way past the boundaries and irritated you. I’d probably be the same.

I would try to think as this flirty bloke as just some cocksure kid who is a bit full of himself rather than anyone dangerous. Just think “as if! In your dreams!” And try and quietly but firmly make him back off if he tries anything again. “I’m fine thanks” if he offers an arm or help..

You are right, of course. Jokingly or not, what he said last night wasn't said TO me of course, so I could make no comeback..... (for the best though, I would say).

Little funny story - I once had a job where I was being mercilessly bullied as the new "girl" by the long-standing team that I was meant to be a part of.... I had an "Assistant" myself (work experience, young man about 22) - Dan, I think. I had been very very thin and was starting to regain some weight and my shirt's buttins were not spaced well, or up to the task. One of the warehouse staff (female) came, with her colleagues to meet with my Line Msanager (another woman) at the coffee machine, close to my desk, and Dan's. They started talking loudly - but not TO me - about how the fact that my shirt was coming undone (one lower than usual, and I was still only a size 6-8, so not boobage to speak of) would count as me sexually harrassing Dan. He looked at me, turned to them, and said, "I should be so lucky".
Wrong in so many ways, but those were the days

I don't want to be so precious that I cannot live next door to ANYone (bliss!), but I do just wish that they (she, especially) wouldn't speak to me a though I am Nothing or as though it is ME who is the nuisance....

I feel stressed all of the time, even if I put it out of my mind, that is not really making steps to fix,resolve, or ( Heaven) move. It just eats up my energy

As I am writing this, the front door (badly built houses) has just been banged to close (doesn't need it) for the >10th time today sigh