To be irritated about my dh wanting to work 9 day fortnight

[Atimetocry]

My husband is a senior Civil Servant who has worked full-time from home since last March due to Covid. I work 30 hours a week for the NHS. After working from home last year during the first lockdown, I returned to the office last September. I do not work Fridays.

My dh used to travel quite a lot pre Covid, which involved some overnight stays every few weeks. I enjoyed the space to do my own thing and it worked well for both of us. He is hoping to resume visiting other offices again once restrictions lift further (whenever this happens now!). I have been really looking foward to having some periods of time to myself (our dds are grown up - one attends college full-time and the other will be moving out when she gets her first job in the next few months). I really want a return to how things were, with some space to enjoy my Fridays off work. My dh works very hard, but does not have hobbies and when he is not working, enjoys nothing more than staying at home watching sport and playing on his XBox in our living room. He does not enjoy ‘doing’ things like DIY or other activities outside the home and although he pulls his weight with shopping, cooking etc, he can often feel like a heavy presence around the home.

He has just announced today that once he is allowed to travel for work again, he wants to compress his hours and work a 9 day fortnight, having a Friday off every other week. I visit my sister who has a learning disability and lives in supported housing every Saturday (since my mum died nearly two years ago). I really value having some ‘me’ time and a chance to potter by myself on a Friday. AIBU to not be entirely happy about his new preferred work pattern? If he didn’t want a Friday off, this would not be a problem, but I think he would be upset if I suggested he took another day off instead!!!

How are you going to get on when you're both retired?

Would you feel offended if he said the same thing? Ie, if he suggested you change one of your days off to another day as he wants some ‘me time’ too?

I don't think he's sprung it on you with no notice as such, he's mentioned that when travel restrictions are lifted he will apply for it. In our department, travel restrictions are expected to stay in place probably until at least September and return to the office will be at a low capacity with only one day encouraged to allow more people to get in if they want to, and preference given to your home office base, not other sites unless really essential. Even DDs and above are subject to the same restrictions - so you have some time yet to discuss with him.

I’m in the same situation. I understand you. It’s just that when you work in a stressful job where you meet so many people every day, you (or I at least) value to be completely alone in your house just to breathe and potter around. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your husband to bits. And if they work from home and seldom leave the house as well..I’m shattered when I come home, and he hasn’t met anyone irl for the entire day. Sometimes you just need to get a chance to miss each other a bit.

And yes, I most likely would feel offended if he said the same thing..

I don't really see what there was to discuss, you could hardly object.

@EWAB That is such a strange story. I wonder where she was spending her days? Did you ever find out?

Thanks for everybody’s replies. I am definitely not selfish or inconsiderate or against my husband working a 9 day fortnight. I am probably just a bit weary today and wistfully thinking about my old routine and how my whole family benefit from a happy wife and mum when I’ve had a bit of time to myself. We are looking to buy a house next year with a separate office space which will definitely house his Xbox and a tv!! My dh deserves some down time too, but when you live in a small 3 bed semi, with three other adults for a prolonged period of time, I think it’s only natural that you might need a bit of space from each other.

thinking about my old routine and how my whole family benefit from a happy wife and mum when I’ve had a bit of time to myself

He’s probably thinking that the whole family benefit from a happy husband and dad when he’s got a bit of time to himself too

You have every other Friday to yourself too - how much space do you need from him?

YABU

I think you're being a bit unreasonable. I work 90% myself and I love it, that long weekend every second weekend really gets me through.

Maybe you’ll benefit from him being more rested and happy? Alternatively, you could get a full time job for a few years and think of your commute as “me time”.

Ps, I know what you mean, there are 3 of us bursting out of a tiny 780 sq foot house :-/
We'd be getting on better in a bigger house.

Ps, why doesn't he take Mondays off? I find Fridays quite bearable and I'm so glad that my day is a Monday. Tell him I said so. i wouldn't swap to every second Friday off if you paid me.

thinking about my old routine and how my whole family benefit from a happy wife and mum when I’ve had a bit of time to myself

YABU completely. Have you always worked only the 4 days? When does he get this 'time to self'?

As pp it is his home too, and doesn't need your permission to be in it.

There was a thread recently asking PPs to say the reasons they loved their husbands. I stopped reading when so many posters said coyly, that they loved their husbands working all hours and double shifts so they didn't have to work. It seems that the best type of husband for many women is one who works incredibly hard so that they get the house to themselves.
YABVU

@StayCalm99 it's much easier for many civil servants to take Fridays off than Mondays.

There are no ministers around on Fridays because most leave London and go to their constituencies.

Me too!
In more normal times i would sometimes invite my available friends round for coffee on my day off. DH always wants to say hello - very polite but alters dynamic and he 'cramps my style' in this particular situation.
Think that if this happens as he plans, you should use your unaccompanied Friday to do exactly as you please in the house, enjoy the solitude. When he's there, gaming, do the chores or get out.

YANBU, time to yourself and time to wind down is precious/important.

Unless he actually wants to spend time with you to do stuff together - could you change your day off instead?

Worst case scenario, at least you get alternate Fridays free.

I feel sorry for him, he sounds like a hard worker, and here you are, trying to organise his free time. Surely it's not such a Drag to have your Husband around in the same house. You can get on with doing your own things regardless.

You seem very selfish. You have worked pt but begrudge your dh having a day off once a fortnight.

Why don't you suggest instead that you go ft and he drops to 30 hours?

I get it, me and DH have always been worked different shifts so I'm used to time away from him. During lockdown he was furloughed to start with then unemployed. I was on mat leave. It took adjustment to spend so much time together.

I think it's understandable for you to want your spce and understandable for him also to want to have a day at home. I think you will probably adjust to the new way after a few months. It's just might take a bit of time.

Lockdown has meant a lot of people never being along in their own homes (and of course some people being alone too much) it's understandable to be wary about this changing - especially if it's someone sitting in one room on a video game.
Even if it's not fair to object, it's understandable to feel this way.

You sound extremely selfish and like you don’t like your husband very much. You work part time hours, begrudge him working compressed hours and then don’t want to share th echo use with him. If my husband told me to take a different day off to him I would tell him to go to hell and wonder why we were married.