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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would this be a stupid idea (binge drinking husband)

40 replies

Lakehouse88 · 13/06/2021 08:04

My husband regularly goes out drinking and comes home later than he’s told me. A couple of times a month pre COVID, sometimes more than this. I’ve given up really asking him what time he’ll be back when he goes out drinking because he’ll never stick to his word and I got sick of cooking meals that went in the bin when he fails to materialise. He would tell me he’d be home in time for dinner but wouldn’t stumble through the door till 3-4am. I used to call him, now I don’t bother.
This past year has been great - no pubs /bars open so we didn’t have this problem. He has been the happiest I have ever known him without the binge drinking, it really opened my eyes to how the booze effected his moods. We’ve talked about this so many times and I’ve got nowhere. Anyway bar / pubs are reopened and he’s started going out again. I have this dread that things are just going to go back to how they were and I guess I’m right because he went out during the week to a client lunch and then said he might meet up with some friends and didn’t return home till 3am…I haven’t even bothered to ask him where he was and his apology meant nothing.
Anyway words are failing me so would I be unreasonable to do what he does and sees how he likes it? I plan to say I’m going out for a few drinks during the week and then go back to a friends. I’ll crash on their sofa and set an alarm for 3am then go home - I’ll make sure I crash about when I get home to wake him up (like he does). Next morning i wont get out of bed and I’ll leave the school run to him, just assuming that he hasn’t got any meetings or urgent appointments so he has to do everything (like he does). Then I’ll say a breezy apology and expect everything to be fine (again like he does). If I could do this two or three times a month for next year I might get through to him, I think I’ve only got the energy to do it twice max…but would this get through to him?? Probably not…

OP posts:

Hopdathelf · 13/06/2021 08:06

Have you spoken about this issue?

Bagelsandbrie · 13/06/2021 08:08

He’ll probably think it’s great as now he can do it and you can’t tell him off as you’re doing the same thing…

Unfortunately with alcoholics you can’t change them. They have to change themselves. (Whole family were alcoholics here).

Candleabra · 13/06/2021 08:09

I would think the opposite, and he'll use your behaviour to justify his.

Cockenspiel · 13/06/2021 08:12

I can see why you’re thinking of doing this, but sadly it’s just a denial tactic where you’ve still not fully acknowledged that he’s a binge drinking alcoholic.

Not all alcoholics need to drink daily. But he clearly can’t stop once he starts and is prioritising binge drinking over and above you and your children.

If you don’t want this to be the rest of your life then you need to think seriously about divorce.

Mellonsprite · 13/06/2021 08:12

YANBU to daydream about doing this, but in reality that would make you as bad as him.
He sounds unreliable and immature where drinking and compatibility with normal family life is concerned. I’d have one ‘all out’ discussion about how you won’t tolerate him doing this to you again and see if he can change?

giletrouge · 13/06/2021 08:13

I really, really hear your frustration and rage but I truly doubt that that's the way to go forward.
Couples counselling?

Do you think he's an alcoholic?

spotcheck · 13/06/2021 08:13

I voted YABU because, honestly, why bother?
He clearly has a problem, and you can't force him to change.
Do you really want to live that way? Do you really want that to be the example set for your children? Both parents out til 3 ( on different nights, but still).
Did he drink at home during the lockdowns?

notwhyicamehere · 13/06/2021 08:13

You won't get through to him like this- most likely he'll not see it as too much of a problem ( because he won't be up worrying about you ) he'll do the bare minimum to keep the house running whilst you're out or he'll just see it as an excuse to join in and also go out/ stay in drinking. He'll then not realise why you've been making such a fuss about his going out as he 'let' you go out and have fun .....

I'm talking from experience.

You need to decide whether this is how you want to live for the rest of your life - panicking and stressed, not knowing where he is and him showing absolute disrespect. A phone call or text is all he needs to do to say he's out late and can he be bothered?

What will be the final straw?
Mine was when ex came home, left the front door wide open whilst I was upstairs asleep...luckily nothing was taken....

MadeForThis · 13/06/2021 08:34

He won't learn.
He will just use it as justification for continuing. You did it last week etc.
The apologies will stop.

BarbarianMum · 13/06/2021 08:38

@Candleabra

I would think the opposite, and he'll use your behaviour to justify his.

This ^^.

You know you dont have to tolerate this, right. I'd tell him you wont and mean it. But this probably means splitting.

HollowTalk · 13/06/2021 08:42

He is not going to change. Whatever daft games you play, you're not going to change his behaviour. You just have to decide whether you can live with him when he has an alcohol problem like that.

Gemma2019 · 13/06/2021 08:42

The trouble with that is he doesn't seem like the type of person who would leave you in bed while he got up, sorted the kids and did the school run. If he had meetings he would prioritise them and himself as he has been doing. You'd be better staying out until after they had left the house, or waking him up at 3 by crashing around and then leaving at 7 for an early meeting. I can see him using it as an excuse for worse behaviour though.

You need to give him an ultimatum - stop drinking completely or leave.

Ledkr · 13/06/2021 08:53

I was married to a man like this. I cannot tell you the utter relief of not having to deal with that now. It really isn't normal behaviour and it used to really impact on our lives. Social occasions were something to dread and not look forward to at all.
Maybe think about whether this is how you want to live as he won't change unless he wants to.

Lonecatwithkitten · 13/06/2021 10:04

@Ledkr

I was married to a man like this. I cannot tell you the utter relief of not having to deal with that now. It really isn't normal behaviour and it used to really impact on our lives. Social occasions were something to dread and not look forward to at all. Maybe think about whether this is how you want to live as he won't change unless he wants to.

Me too nothing you can say or do will change him only he can make that decision. Life on my own was easier as I was not hoping for help and knew there was only me.

BrownEyedGirl80 · 13/06/2021 10:12

Tbh he'll probably think she does it so free pass for me.

HaggisBurger · 13/06/2021 10:23

You do realise he’s an alcoholic right? Being out of control in your drinking, unable to stop once you start and making promises (this time it will be different) means you have an alcohol addiction problem. Sadly the logical part of his brain KNOWS he is being an asshole in this. You highlighting it by doing the same is neither here nor there. The addict part of brain, once he starts to drink will justify why he deserves a blow out/ will stop at 11pm / needs space from his nagging wife / will only do this today not next weekend.

You need to decide if you’re content to keep living with someone who is an alcoholic. Contact Al Anon for support and help in allowing his behaviour to have its full consequences. Good luck OP

godmum56 · 13/06/2021 10:27

@HaggisBurger

You need to decide if you’re content to keep living with someone who is an alcoholic. Contact Al Anon for support and help in allowing his behaviour to have its full consequences. Good luck OP

all of this ^^ Sadly its time for the big girl knickers. You are in a relationship with an alcoholic and you need to get advice and address it.

Original poster

Lakehouse88 · 13/06/2021 12:42

Thanks for the replies.
Yes I agree it would probably be used to his advantage & as much as I would love him to have some kind of apithany after me staying out all night I very much doubt that would be the case. More likely it would be used and twisted to his advantage. I just haven’t got the energy for games.

OP posts:

Chikapu · 13/06/2021 12:53

I don't think doing that is the best way to handle things. I couldn't and wouldn't put up with this in a relationship and would be looking for a way out.

HaggisBurger · 13/06/2021 15:56

@Lakehouse88

Thanks for the replies. Yes I agree it would probably be used to his advantage & as much as I would love him to have some kind of apithany after me staying out all night I very much doubt that would be the case. More likely it would be used and twisted to his advantage. I just haven’t got the energy for games.

Will you give him an ultimatum to address his alcoholism?

Pinkclarko · 13/06/2021 16:37

How can he be an alcoholic if it’s a couple of times a month?

HaggisBurger · 13/06/2021 16:58

Common misunderstanding of alcoholism (that a lot of intermittent binge drinkers use to justify their behaviour and not confront their problem)

Because it’s out of control. He can’t stop once he starts. Alcoholism isn’t just confined to daily drinking. Binge drinking can be alcoholic drinking. It has negative effects on his mood and clearly his marriage. Lockdown limited it but now that things are open it will increase - no doubt.

HaggisBurger · 13/06/2021 17:03

Note also OP said “a couple of times a month, sometimes more than that”

It’s human nature to minimise problematic behaviour. We don’t want to deal with it.

showmewhatyougot · 13/06/2021 17:30

Stupid idea, if he sees no problem with this behavior he will just use the one time you did it as an excuse to carry on.

"Well you didn't get back till 3 either! It's easily done, no big deal"

Don't waste time playing games, if you want something ask.

Holothane · 13/06/2021 17:33

Get out and stay out this life is hell I’ve lived it with my ex, it will break you in the end. At the last stage I was wishing he’d die. I left best thing I ever did.

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