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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would this be a stupid idea (binge drinking husband)

40 replies

Lakehouse88 · 13/06/2021 08:04

My husband regularly goes out drinking and comes home later than he’s told me. A couple of times a month pre COVID, sometimes more than this. I’ve given up really asking him what time he’ll be back when he goes out drinking because he’ll never stick to his word and I got sick of cooking meals that went in the bin when he fails to materialise. He would tell me he’d be home in time for dinner but wouldn’t stumble through the door till 3-4am. I used to call him, now I don’t bother.
This past year has been great - no pubs /bars open so we didn’t have this problem. He has been the happiest I have ever known him without the binge drinking, it really opened my eyes to how the booze effected his moods. We’ve talked about this so many times and I’ve got nowhere. Anyway bar / pubs are reopened and he’s started going out again. I have this dread that things are just going to go back to how they were and I guess I’m right because he went out during the week to a client lunch and then said he might meet up with some friends and didn’t return home till 3am…I haven’t even bothered to ask him where he was and his apology meant nothing.
Anyway words are failing me so would I be unreasonable to do what he does and sees how he likes it? I plan to say I’m going out for a few drinks during the week and then go back to a friends. I’ll crash on their sofa and set an alarm for 3am then go home - I’ll make sure I crash about when I get home to wake him up (like he does). Next morning i wont get out of bed and I’ll leave the school run to him, just assuming that he hasn’t got any meetings or urgent appointments so he has to do everything (like he does). Then I’ll say a breezy apology and expect everything to be fine (again like he does). If I could do this two or three times a month for next year I might get through to him, I think I’ve only got the energy to do it twice max…but would this get through to him?? Probably not…

OP posts:

TimeForTeaAndG · 13/06/2021 17:36

@Pinkclarko

How can he be an alcoholic if it’s a couple of times a month?

He clearly has no control when he drinks therefore has a problem.

OP, I wouldn't play games though I totally understand how tempting it might be to mirror his behaviour to make a point.

I would simply give up and that would be the end of the relationship. You can't trust him to be home when he says and he's useless the next day.

CupoTeap · 13/06/2021 17:40

Well he clearly hasn't changed, you need to lay you cards out now and tell him you can't go back to that way.

Paq · 13/06/2021 17:50

Please consider looking up Al-Anon, a support group for families of alcoholics.

Couchbettato · 13/06/2021 18:17

Isn't the saying if you can't join them, beat them?

I know it isn't really, but my point is, don't stoop to his level. Be better. Do better.

Holothane · 13/06/2021 18:41

I did that and it made me a problem drinker today I’m dry and have been for 8 years, don’t join him. It could ruin your life.

FrankieDettol · 13/06/2021 18:45

You won't change him. I'm talking from experience. Channel your energy into deciding how you want the rest of your life to look.

Notaroadrunner · 13/06/2021 18:51

@Pinkclarko

How can he be an alcoholic if it’s a couple of times a month?

Alcoholics can go months without drinking and then binge drink.

@Lakehouse88 when he tells you he's going out, don't ask him any questions. Just nod. Do not cook dinner even if he says he'll be home in time. Id tell him to sleep in a spare room/on the couch if he comes in late/drunk. Next day I'd ignore the fact he was out, wouldn't ask where he was, who he was with. He doesn't give a shit about you so you need to show him that you in turn don't give a shit about him. And maybe start getting some information on how to get him out of your life as I know I wouldn't want to spend my life with someone who had such little regard for me.

RantyAnty · 13/06/2021 18:54

I would do it one time just for you.
It won't change anything though. He'll still keep drinking.

You'll have to decide if you're willing to continue living with this or not.
I don't think I would as the disrespect, unreliability, and expense of it would wear me down.

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 13/06/2021 23:18

I would think the opposite, and he'll use your behaviour to justify his

Pretty much this.

I've been a life-long binge drinker myself, only I still look and act relatively sober when I've been drinking all day so I don't create a noise in the small hours etc. My Ex started doing the same thing, only they really couldn't handle their drink at all. I remember them falling asleep in the common stair one afternoon, and I just walked past them and left them to it. If they can't behave when they drink that's their lookout. One other occasion a neighbour appeared on the doorstep to inform me that my partner was drunkenly trying to enter their stairwell oblivious to the fact they were at completely the wrong address.

Trust me, someone who views binges as normal and acceptable wont give single shiny shite if you start doing it yourself.

DrManhattan · 14/06/2021 06:19

They get help or you leave. This won't get any better

thelegohooverer · 14/06/2021 06:36

If you didn’t have dc I might say go for it. But you are probably their rock, and it would be very scary and destabilising for them for their dm to start being as flaky as their df.

My dm used to snap and dump us on df, or go out (very rarely) and not come back that night and while I understand as an adult, I can feel a pain in my tummy just remembering.

I’m sorry that it’s so unfair.

bigbaggyeyes · 14/06/2021 06:39

It's the sort of thing I'd do in the cain attempt he'd think 'oh my goodness, I've been treating her like shit all these years, I must stop' whereas in reality he'll think 'whoop yay she can't moan at me for doing it now'

I think you've got 3 choices, you either;

Resign yourself to the fact that this is him
Try and resolve the issue with him, ie councilling or something similar
Or accept he won't change and leave him

I guess it all depends on what you want in the future and what you want for your dc

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 14/06/2021 06:44

There are no games that will make him see what he is doing. You either put up with it and stay with him or you leave. I recommend the latter.

LividBlabber · 14/06/2021 06:48

If you’ve got kids involved it would impact on them.

His behaviour WILL be impacting on them.

I’ve been there, as have so many others on this thread, and we’re telling you it’s so much nicer on the other side. I know you love him. I know it’s hard. But it’ll be better for all of you (except him) when you’re not living through this.

chocolateorangeinhaler · 14/06/2021 07:07

It's pure and simple addiction, which is a horrible disease. Usually drug of choice is used as a crutch to help get through life. I bet you anything he hates acting like this but the addition is stronger than he is so he knows exactly how it will end before the evening has begun.
No addict ever gets up in the morning thinking "how can I wreck everything today". More of "I hope I can get through the day without having to use and be able to cope with the withdrawal".
Start by getting him try and work out what the triggers are and develop strategies that avoid those triggers.
I do feel so sorry for you, alcohol is the worst drug out there for causing damage yet is the most socially acceptable. You are viewed as weak if you can't handle drink and also viewed as weak if you decide to not drink.

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