"What does "there's another balance to be found here and its up to you to find it" mean here? Have I lost this friendship now?

[JWatts29]

One of my FB friends sent this to me when I approached them for advice on socialising (I have autism so struggle with this).

Do you think that that this (what follows) is good advice, and that they are genuinely my friend? Please could you help me interpret the tone of it? Is it angry? I asked them how they were, but they didn't answer that question, they said the below:

"You knows yourself quite well as we can see from your self-analysis. i talked before about joining clubs. I can see no better start point. A couple of clubs (and one where they do things away from the campus so that they go out on trips for the day...an outdoor activity like hiking, climbing or theatre or..or..or...) at least doing things you are interested in and can then get some personal satisfaction and along the way you will meet people and develop friendships.Ive told you before - Don't try (too hard) Friendships develop slowly. This is another tough one to answer because it takes time. you must also lose the obsession about exam results. You must quit studying at X o'clock every day (except in exam times) and have time to go do things. But get stuck in with people. Don't be afraid to loook stupid when introducing yourself. But dont wait to do it. Friendship groups form quickly and you dont want to interrupt half way through the year. Get to know as many people by name as possible so they are easy to talk to later on. But dont be overly keen as people hate that There's another balance to be found here and its up to you to find it."

What does "there's another balance to be found here and its up to you to find it" mean here? I feel that it sounds a little angry? Have I lost this friendship now? Do you think that they ever want to hear from me again?

Poll:

Have I lost this friendship now (I am worried that I have...)?

YABU - No
YANBU - Yes

They're saying "you need to work out how to be both sociable and friendly and put yourself out there without clinging to people or being too forward or intense". You need to balance those two things. They aren't angry with you from what I can see. They're just saying that you need to figure out who you are and be comfortable being that person - that's the "balance" they're referring to.

Feels like “another” could be a typo as it doesn’t really make sense?

My feeling from that is that the person is maybe slightly annoyed at giving you the same advice twice and you not taking it, but not at all that they are really angry and don’t want to be your friend. However, context is key and other interactions may be feeding into your view on this.

@GettingPhysical - Do you think that they are still my friend, and want to hear from me again?

This sounds like the kind of advice you'd get from a pupil advisor/mentor/someone more senior to you than a friend/someone in charge of welfare. Have you met this person? Are they a real friend or an acquaintance?
The advice isn't wrong (although not as easy as all that any time let alone mid Covid) but it does not feel like they want to do anything with you, introduce you to their friends, go to a group with you or act as a wingman in a pub or some such. How do you know this person and how often do you message them?

@ButYouJustPointedToAIIOfMe - I went to school with them - they are a former classmate.

Plus we are already in June so near the end of the academic year. Are you already at uni? Are you living on campus? What clubs are even available? What are your living arrangements? The last 18 months have been tough on everybody. There is no shame in wanting to reach out and no shame in being lonely.

Okay - and are at a different campus to you? Do you still see each other on visits home? Did you hang out pre-Covid?
Sorry for all the questions - am trying to build up a picture to understand the bigger picture.
How are you in yourself right now?
The hiking with others is a good idea.

They sound like they think they're better than you and talking down to you but not in an angry way and yes they'd want to hear from you again.

But honestly, I wouldn't personally want to be friends with somebody who spoke to me like that, just always be yourself, you sound like a nice person.

@youOKhunn - Really?? Do you think that they see me as a friend? I thought that they were angry at me, as this message had quite a different tone from their previous messages (which seemed nicer, and less angry).

I wouldn't read it as you have lost a friendship at all. However, it does sound like you have had this conversation and advice around it before and that they don't really want to go over this subject again.

That you haven't lost a friendship. Sorry that was unclear and confusing.

@WithRosesAroundTheDoor - Do you think that they are still friends with me then?

Sounds like you need to balance studying and isolating yourself vs going on day trips and group club events but not get to tangled up with rushing the build bridges of friends.

[quote JWatts29]@WithRosesAroundTheDoor - Do you think that they are still friends with me then?[/quote]
Yes it seems like they are offering good perspectives and are trying to be helpful

Yes. I would say so.

I can't read any anger in that message, maybe a bit of frustration, like she's already given you the same advice before but you never followed it up, so why ask again? But there's nothing there to say she doesn't want to be your friend anymore.

Hi OP my son has ASD so I’m projecting a bit here with my questions,

How many times have you asked this person for advise? Why do you think they are the person to advise you?

It sounds like you have a set mindset about things (eg that you have to study at a certain time) unfortunately forming friendships is not as ‘black and white’ doing a + b does not always equal c and I know that can be difficult.

The message sounds quite frustrated but I wouldn’t say you have lost the friendship.

My advise would to be yourself and the right friends will come to you, are there any groups for neurodiverse student? Maybe start from there.

Have you asked them this question before?

No I don't think you've lost a friend. And on the whole I don't think it's bad advice - I think they are trying to be helpful. But it also reads as if it has been written in a rush, and it reads to me as though they have answered this question for you previously and are maybe a little frustrated at being asked again.

Interesting that they mention your self-analysis. To me this suggests they know you well, as you are also over-analysing this!

Further to the above, my son asks the same questions over and over again, he knows the answers so I asked him why he keeps asking and he said ‘because maybe you will give me another answer’ - not sure if that fits for you too.

To me it reads that you asked for advice, and they gave you advice. I certainly wouldn't interpret any anger or loss of friendship there

Autism must be so bloody frustrating to have. I don’t think you’ve lost a friend

This is the latest of many OP s give made in similar subjects, OP. Your level of anxiety about what people like you is right off the charts.

You're doing the same questions over and over again I ask the threads. And they are questions we can't answer, because we don't know the people involved.

If this is what you're doing to this person, continually asking the same questions, yes, they might be saying this is "up to you to find it" because they can't keep on and on reassuring you.

They've answered your questions thoroughly and logically. They've spent time giving you careful advice. They wouldn't do that if they didn't care. But don't pester them on the same subject any more. Simply respond briefly. Something like "thanks, that's very helpful. This is something I need to work on and these points will help. Love J"

I would say that they sound mildly frustrated. They've perhaps given you advice on this matter in the past and they think that you haven't acted on it?

They are saying that you need to put your social awkwardness to one side and get involved in clubs early in the term. At the same time, they are obviously of the view that you're quite an intense person (exam prep only for exam times) and that you need to be cautious about being too full on with people when you first meet them.

It's not bad advice, and I think you are their friend, but I think the best advice is that good friends will want you just the way you are. If they are good friends, they will accept that you're quite intense (I'm thinking Monica from friends!) and deal with that.

If your autism makes it hard to understand social relationships to this extent, then I think it is probably obvious that you have autism. Find people who love you with your autistic traits - not people who make you hide them.

DD2 has autism. I'm not sure if she has actually told her friends, but they know that she's quite particular and slightly 'different'. She won't get involved in their dramas in the friendship group, so they say she's like 'Switzerland'

Apologies for the many autocorrect typos above

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4266904-Is-cheering-up-a-positive-thing-to-say-here

We had a flurry of these not long ago - started up again.