"What does "there's another balance to be found here and its up to you to find it" mean here? Have I lost this friendship now?

[JWatts29]

One of my FB friends sent this to me when I approached them for advice on socialising (I have autism so struggle with this).

Do you think that that this (what follows) is good advice, and that they are genuinely my friend? Please could you help me interpret the tone of it? Is it angry? I asked them how they were, but they didn't answer that question, they said the below:

"You knows yourself quite well as we can see from your self-analysis. i talked before about joining clubs. I can see no better start point. A couple of clubs (and one where they do things away from the campus so that they go out on trips for the day...an outdoor activity like hiking, climbing or theatre or..or..or...) at least doing things you are interested in and can then get some personal satisfaction and along the way you will meet people and develop friendships.Ive told you before - Don't try (too hard) Friendships develop slowly. This is another tough one to answer because it takes time. you must also lose the obsession about exam results. You must quit studying at X o'clock every day (except in exam times) and have time to go do things. But get stuck in with people. Don't be afraid to loook stupid when introducing yourself. But dont wait to do it. Friendship groups form quickly and you dont want to interrupt half way through the year. Get to know as many people by name as possible so they are easy to talk to later on. But dont be overly keen as people hate that There's another balance to be found here and its up to you to find it."

What does "there's another balance to be found here and its up to you to find it" mean here? I feel that it sounds a little angry? Have I lost this friendship now? Do you think that they ever want to hear from me again?

Poll:

Have I lost this friendship now (I am worried that I have...)?

YABU - No
YANBU - Yes

Okay OP.
I advance searched you.
I did this because MN used to have a previously banned poster asking for help with interpreting things, usually on a Saturday night.
Assuming you are genuine, I see that you are starting a masters in September. The advice you were given by whoever sent it is still valid for your new campus and you should look at similar clubs and events for postgrads.
If you are now at home and still know this person but they have not been in touch for a while then you could simply ask them on FB or on Whatsapp a one-line direct question: Fancy a beer and a catch-up in a beer garden next week?
If you have asked them recently for the advice given in your OP in advance of September then you reply: Thanks again for the tips. I will look to do some hiking in the Autumn term. Let me know when you are back in X and we can catch up over a beer.

I don't think they're angry right now. I think they don't want to have to say this again - but I could be wrong about that.

The thing is, there are no ways to interpret this that are definitely right. Different people express anger in different ways and nobody knows what your friend is like.

But my best guess is - you have been asking for lots of advice. They're happy to help and they do care about you. But they're being very direct now and my hunch is that they don't want to go round and round in circles about this. They're giving you lots of detail and simple suggestions. I think it's up to you now. I wouldn't continue to try and talk to this friend about this subject. I would do what they're suggesting as it sounds like good advice on the whole. But don't obsess either in your own head or when talking/messaging your friend, if you can.

But that's just a guess. Good luck.

@HeddaGarbled

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4266904-Is-cheering-up-a-positive-thing-to-say-here

We had a flurry of these not long ago - started up again.

I don't see the harm in that? DD2 often asks me about conversations and what particular things mean. It's pretty hard when there's a social code that everyone else has learned, that you struggle to understand.

OP, have you heard of "the double empathy problem". I'm wondering if you might find it helpful and reassuring.

If you haven't come across it, it's basically the idea that autistic and non-autistic people can find it hard to see things from the other's point of view. Trying to get away from the idea that the autistic person's way is a problem and they have to learn to "fit in".

It sounds slightly weary but helpful. Have you repeatedly asked them for guidance? Are you relying on them too much?
You are totally over thinking it in every way. That's autism in action but you need to be aware of it.

One possible reason for a change in tone is that this is an information giving text, as you asked a direct question, whereas earlier might have been chit chat and catching up. The balance they mention could have been around studies and socialising as well as around the nature of your friendships - not coming across too strong. I don’t see anything indicating they are not your friend so wouldn’t worry. Maybe ask them if they’d like to meet for coffee- texts can be difficult to interpret.

Right. Am caught up now OP I think. So:

1. The Italian friend was rude not to reply to your letter. It was a nice letter. The only thing personally that might have thrown her was if it was all on open facebook for public to read rather than private. Only you know that.

1. You should meet the Maths friend in school, say hello to them and any old staff. Personally in this weather a beer garden would be a lot nicer but that is your call.

1. The advice friend - just say thanks and ask them to meet next time they are in town.

1. Start looking for contact details for the welfare people at your new university to support you with networking. Try to find out in advance any postgrad socialising opportunities, groups etc now so you are ready for September.

I don't think you have lost a friendship - there is a lot of advice here and someone who wasn't interested in continuing to know you wouldn't put so much effort into a comprehensive message. I agree with pp - thank them for their advice and let them know you look forward to seeing/speaking to them soon. Their advice about balance does suggest a bit of 'frustration' which might be why their tone is more matter of fact rather than personal - they are trying to make sure they aren't misunderstood.

@ButYouJustPointedToAIIOfMe - Thanks so much. Not too sure why the Italian friend didn't reply. It wasn't public of anything, just a a private message on messenger. Even more confusing, given that they asked me 'what are you doing these days?' (to which I responded with my letter). The general consensus on the other thread seems to be that it was a bit overwhelming/they forgot, rather than them not being a friend anymore.

Life sometimes gets in the way OP.
People are sometimes flaky or rude.
I think you know where you are with Germans because they are far more direct so less room for misunderstanding.
I hope your masters goes well.
I also hope everyone can travel again soon.
As for your Italian friend, I shall ask what they should have...
Are you looking forward to your masters?
How is the working from home going now?
What was your favourite place in Eastern Europe?

P.S. Easier said than done but try and not get caught up in overthinking

I don't see the harm in that?

I worry about dabbling in something more complex than we understand as Saturday night entertainment. Anyway, I’ve reported, so it’s up to Mumsnet.

ButYouJustPointedToAIIOfMe - Maybe I should send a soft follow-up message to the Italian friend? Maybe one that is (much ) less long/intense?

I can sense a certain level of frustration, but you haven't lost the friendship.

However, have you asked this friend for advice before? Have they said similar things which you just ignore either because you couldn't or didn't want to follow through?

They sound like they think they're better than you and talking down to you but not in an angry way

It in no way sounds like that. It sounds like they know the OP pretty well and are advising them how to approach social situations.

I think the balance might be between studying too hard and making friends.

Nothing makes me think they are looking to end a friendship.

Some of us have kids on the spectrum. OP could be any of my three a few years from now. I am a cynic in general (rather than an MN 'auntie' or whatever it is) but err on the side of how I would want my own treated if anxious at stupid o'clock. Rather that than the alternative of leaving someone in need. That said, I need a and some sleep rather than procrastinating on here. OP I think there is still a Night Owl/Insomnia thread on MN if you do need distraction. Take care x

Thanks so much, @ButYouJustPointedToAIIOfMe - I really appreciate your kind advice. :)

That was to hedda
Yes OP I would follow the advice you were given on Thursday.
This:
I heard Italy have the best team they've had in years for Euro 2021 and thought of you, hope all is well x

Cannot see night owls, maybe they don't exist anymore. At some point I might start a late night chat/support thread for those of us who need it x

X-post.
No worries J. I have my uses (sometimes!)
Genuinely, we all need advice and a shoulder from time to time. I still like MN for a myriad of reasons and late-night chatting is one of them. But yes, your Italian friend - Italy I think are fifth favourite to win the football if they beat Turkey so you can lead with that x

PBP, folks.

We're sorry but we do have a couple of things we need to take a closer look at behind the scenes here. We're going to remove the thread while we go through things. Thank you for the reports.