The short story: after an evening of drinking, husband popped DS’s perfectly decent 3 day old helium birthday balloon. He can’t remember doing it, but yet he can remember that apparently I told him to do it, so it’s my fault that DS was upset to find out his balloon was gone.
The rest of the details:
Two of our children have birthdays days apart. I got them both helium birthday number balloons this year, first time we’ve done this.
On the eve of the second birthday in the same week, once I’d put the soon to be birthday child to bed, I brought the balloon and presents out of their hiding place, ready for the morning.
DH made a comment that we should “Get rid of the other balloon so it doesn’t look like DD is turning 85 tomorrow”. I can’t remember exactly what I said in response, but I probably concurred with a “yes if you think so” because in my head I remember thinking “yes we could move it to a different room if we are that worried about causing confusion, but I don’t think it’s a big deal and neither child will be bothered either way”. I definitely did not at any point in this short exchange think that DH meant bin it, and definitely would not have agreed to that. Because it’s wasteful, and was a present for our DS that he had been enjoying - who pops a child’s balloon whilst it is still perfectly decent?!
As well as our three older children, we have a young baby. When he woke sometime around 10pm, I went up to settle him and then go to bed myself. I said goodnight to DH, eldest DS (11 years), and DHs two friends who were over for dinner, and left them finishing up the board game they had been playing. I asked DH to finish writing his bit in DDs birthday card from us and leave it with the balloon and presents for her.
DD had a lovely birthday the next day. Except her birthday card from us was missing and DH couldn’t remember what he had done with it, although he did remember finishing the card.
Fast forward to later in the afternoon, DS came to me in tears because his older brother had told him that him and his dad had popped his birthday balloon and put it in the bin. This sounded absurd to me, so I told him not to worry, of course no one would have binned his balloon, they would have just put it in another room.
DH said he couldn’t remember, so me and DS went on a hunt around the house for his balloon, but couldn’t find it. Older DS was adamant that he watched his dad pop the balloon and put it in the bin before they went to bed the night before. So I asked DH again about the balloon and he still couldn’t remember what he had done with it (it wasn’t in the bin, which was why I was sure it must be intact somewhere in the house) but then he said “You did tell me to get rid of it”. So he was admitting that he’d “got rid of it” despite not remembering how or where, and at the same time being able to remember that it was my fault. Cue a small debate in our kitchen whilst everyone was in the garden out of earshot about the dictionary definition of “get rid” and me being quite confused as to why someone would pop and bin a child’s birthday balloon without their consent that had only been bought a couple of days ago. He concluded that whatever happened it was my fault as I’d asked him to “get rid” (apparently now remembering that I had told him to get rid, not the other way round)
He asked me to stop going on about it, as we had family guests over for the birthday, and he “didn’t understand why I was making a big deal about it”. So I have an upset DS who has been told it’s my fault his balloon was binned, an older DS who is probably hugely confused after watching his dad bin the balloon and then outright not remember anything about it the next day, and yet it somehow all happened because of me but I don’t have the right to ask questions about what happened to lead to me getting the blame?
DH also showed no remorse and gave no apology to DS for binning his balloon, he just didn’t seem to care about it at all, but I suspect he was being blasé so as to brush it under the carpet before his family were aware of his actions (they were present at the house at the time).
We also have still not located the birthday card from us to DD. Two weeks later, after several full house cleans, it has not turned up. I suspect it probably accidentally ended up in the bin with the balloon as if it were in the house I think it would have turned up by now. It’s not a huge deal, just frustrating in a ‘you only had one job’ type situation, and the only cards I keep from birthdays are the ones DH and I write to the children, so it was of some importance to me even if DD couldn’t care less about cards at 5 years old.
His behaviour when drinking does bother me (lots of incidents of misremembering or compete memory blackouts of stupid things he’s done) But it’s been a long year and a half of lockdowns, life stresses, and a new baby - I feel like I’m doubting my confidence to know what is normal couple bickering / misunderstandings, and what is something a bit more than that. I also feel a bit silly writing this many words about a saga with a birthday balloon 🙄Although obviously, it’s more than that, and I feel either he genuinely can't remember, or that he is gaslighting me by telling me it's my fault and that I'm making a mountain out of a molehill.
Am I being unreasonable in making a big deal out of a simple miscommunication? Or is something a bit off with DH's actions here?