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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know how to respond?

35 replies

letsgowiththat · 12/06/2021 13:12

I'm basically a huge hot mess.
2 young DCs, one in primary one PT nursery. I work 3 days a week when youngest is at nursery but also from home every evening 5 days a week and in between looking after youngest if there's a quick email or something to send.
DP is FT and evenings in the office too.

The house is a disaster, because it's small and there's 4 of us I need to be on it all the time doing bits and bats or it becomes a tip within a few hours. It's a complete mess and I really struggle to focus and channel my energy onto it.

I'm playing catch up with work at the moment due to a few changes being made. I've been feeling anxious about keeping up with it all. A couple of days ago I had a mini meltdown when talking to DP and cried about feeling anxious and feeling like I'm doing stuff wrong and how I can't even keep on top of our little house and its all relentless - he said I'm not giving myself enough credit.

Today he said can he talk to me and told me how the house is getting grubby and how I have told him before we need to put things back when we use them and he's been doing his best but I'm not and how there's stuff everywhere and I'm creating this mess for myself for not tidying straight away and then getting overwhelmed - I said that's not news as I have just told him that a couple of days ago and asked where he wanted to go with this conversation. He said that's it.
He's left to run some errands now and I'm just sat in tears.

He's not wrong but I feel so defensive and like he has just gone back on what he said to me a couple of nights ago when I was upset and I feel like a complete fuck up and failure. I can't look at him and I don't want him near me I feel like I'm not good enough for him or my boys and I can't get my shit together.

I don't even know what to say to him when he gets back.
AIBU to feel like this?

OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 12/06/2021 13:15

I don’t really understand? Is he saying that he’s putting things away after using them but you aren’t?

MissingTheMoonlight · 12/06/2021 13:18

Could you afford a cleaner for 2 hours a week? I justify ours by working extra during those 2 hours and it means I can keep on top of the housework far easier.

Original poster
letsgowiththat · 12/06/2021 13:21

@Howshouldibehave yes basically and that I don't tidy as I go (when I'm cooking or doing stuff) which makes it worse for myself and then I get overwhelmed.

For example dishes need doing and putting away straight away otherwise our small counterspace gets filled - I try to do that but not always possible e.g. if running late for drop offs I have to leave the breakfast stuff then the dinner stuff gets added on as I cook after work for DCs it becomes a lot of work. Evenings consist of cooking for DCs, making sure they eat their dinner, bath time, bedtime and then back up to the office so the next morning is even worse.

I really have no excuse but just can't get myself organised.

OP posts:
Original poster
letsgowiththat · 12/06/2021 13:23

@MissingTheMoonlight unfortunately not possible on our current budget. It's not really the cleaning as such it's the clutter.

OP posts:
BluebellsGreenbells · 12/06/2021 13:25

Hang on! What does he do?

I cook DH washes
I do baths DH does bed time
While I bathe DH tidies
While he does bed time I put washing in

It’s a team effort at tea time/bed time the busiest time of day!

He needs to pull his finger out abs stop complaining

Mess in the kitchen isn’t ‘your mess’ it’s created because everyone needs to eat!

Original poster
letsgowiththat · 12/06/2021 13:29

@BluebellsGreenbells sorry I might not have made myself clear. He works very long hours I do school pick up and he's usually back around 5.30-6.30 pm and then goes up to the office too after bedtime. He usually does bedtime and then reading with the eldest. He puts his own laundry away. He will cook on a weekend and usually does dishes too, the lawn etc.

I'm supposed to do the rest as I'm at home with DC2 when he's not at nursery which I usually do shopping, a baby group and try to keep him busy and usually plan to get on top of the house but I'm clearly just shit at it.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 12/06/2021 13:29

I agree that it should be a team effort, not him telling you to buck up. When he’s at home is he pulling his weight?

It sounds like you both need to sit down abd work out ways things can be made easier, for example having a big declutter, better storage, perhaps batch cooking so you’re not having to generate so much cooking mess every day..,

Laserbird16 · 12/06/2021 13:30

Er I'd hit the nuclear option. WTAF, it's so hard with young children keeping everything tidy and clean. But that's not your sole responsibility. If DP is constantly tidying/cleaning and you do nothing then ok he might have a point but if you're doing cooking/childcare and cleaning up after then working well no wonder you feel overwhelmed. You literally just had this conversation with him and his response is to get on your back about the state of the house? No.

Get a cleaner if you can. Then accept little children equal mess and muddle through. It's not your job to fix

PurpleDaisies · 12/06/2021 13:31

He usually does bedtime and then reading with the eldest. He puts his own laundry away. He will cook on a weekend and usually does dishes too, the lawn etc

Lovely jobs for him then. Why can’t you switch it up so he’s cleaning and you’re reading/doing bedtime some days?

PurpleDaisies · 12/06/2021 13:34

If he’s cooking on the weekend, get him to do some extra that can be reheated with minimal effort from you.

RealMermaid · 12/06/2021 13:35

Given you're both working so much could you send the baby to nursery one extra day a week? Or even a half day? Then you'd get a regular few hours to catch up without running around after the little one.

Original poster
letsgowiththat · 12/06/2021 13:36

@PurpleDaisies bedtime takes 5 mins. Not really enough time to do much tiding anyway usually I give the DCs a kiss goodnight before he takes them and go up to the office and vice versa if the DCs want me to read.

He does work really long hours can set off in the morning anywhere between 6.30am-8am and isn't back until 5.30-6.30 pm. I work withing the school hours and do drop offs and pick ups so really should be able to buck up and sort the house but I can't get my head around it.

OP posts:
Original poster
letsgowiththat · 12/06/2021 13:37

@RealMermaid can't afford any more nursery hours unfortunately.

OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 12/06/2021 13:38

Is he right though, in saying you’ve asked him to put stuff away and he is, but you yourself don’t?

PurpleDaisies · 12/06/2021 13:38

So he’s only doing 5 minutes with the kids in an evening? He needs to spend more time doing stuff to make the housefold run.

PurpleDaisies · 12/06/2021 13:39

And you’re underestimating what can actually be done in 5 minutes intense tidying.

Hankunamatata · 12/06/2021 13:40

Ok playing devils advocate - was he all judgemental or just frustrated that you don't put anything back?

MatildaTheCat · 12/06/2021 13:44

It sounds as if you actually know that he’s right and you are making it harder for yourself by not just doing some things as you go along. Some people are much better at this than others but there are some things that you might be able to change and see if it helps.

So, for example, never go up or downstairs empty handed. Before you leave your room in the morning shake out the bedding and pillows- 30 seconds. Sweep up all the laundry into a bag alone with other stuff to go down, shake out the kids beds and open curtains and then by the time you go down the upstairs if fairly straight.

When you’re cooking fill the sink with soapy water and wash stuff up or put in the dishwasher as you go along, have a damp cloth by the side so you can quickly wipe down. Always put stuff straight back in the cupboard or fridge as you go along when cooking.

Have boxes for school kit etc so you can easily locate stuff. Load the washing machine while the kettle boils…

There are dozens of examples but whilst it may never come naturally to you it can definitely get easier and the relief of feeling more in control is fantastic.

Start by both of you trying to get the house a bit more organised and trying to help one another. Reward yourself with some extra time to yourself or whatever it is that you need.

Fyredraca · 12/06/2021 13:46

How about if you draw up a list of what needs doing and you both take a day off to tackle it, split the jobs to get through it. Get a cleaner in as a one off deep clean.
Then you need to come up with a routine that you can stick with so it doesn't slip back.
I'd also recommend you throw some stuff out/give it away or do a car boot so that there is less mess.
There's loads of resources online to help you get organised.

PurpleDaisies · 12/06/2021 13:47

I wonder if you’re letting perfect get in the way of good. If the house is messy, its easy to think there’s no point doing anything abs it will never get clean but if you set a timer for 5/10/15 minutes and tidy up for that amount of time it’s amazing what you can get done.

It’s very American and totally naff (you have to ignore a fair bit and read with a sick bucket but I’ve found the fly lady website pretty helpful.

Notaroadrunner · 12/06/2021 13:55

Neither of you should be going to bed until all dishes are done and put away and the living areas tidied up. You cook so he should wash up. Dh comes in from work, dinner is usually on the table, then he gets up and washes any pots or pans. The rest are put in the dishwasher by each member of the family as they finish eating. If there are toys left around you both should put them away - have you good storage? I find that if you have good storage then it's easy to have a place for everything. When everyone knows where things go they can all help to tidy stuff away.

UserAtRandom · 12/06/2021 13:58

Bedtime and reading surely takes more than 5 minutes? I'd agree to tidy up during this time, or actually even better have 10 minutes before bedtime where everyone pitches in - the DC put away their toys and either you or DH wash up and wipe down kitchen surfaces. If your house is small you can get it presentable in 10 minutes if you do it every day.

Twistered · 12/06/2021 14:10

Sounds like you both are constantly chasing your tails!
I like a previous posters suggestion that you both take a day off work and do a good blitz, clean, declutter and get some structure, this might help you feel on top of things. And I'd even think about taking the next day off too just to spend a bit of time together without work or the stress of the house getting in the way.
Once you're on top of it you could both take 30 mins together before bed each night to do a whip round tidying and getting things organized for the next day?

Twistered · 12/06/2021 14:14

Just another wee thought .... Do you both HAVE to work each evening?

What is the worst that would happen if you didn't check your emails at night and just worked during your paid working hours?

MoisterThanAnOyster · 12/06/2021 14:15

So he’s working really long hours, but not making enough money to get a cleaner to cover his fair share of the domestic chores?

Or is he “working” long hours to get away from his domestic responsibilities?

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