To not know how to respond?

[letsgowiththat]

I'm basically a huge hot mess.
2 young DCs, one in primary one PT nursery. I work 3 days a week when youngest is at nursery but also from home every evening 5 days a week and in between looking after youngest if there's a quick email or something to send.
DP is FT and evenings in the office too.

The house is a disaster, because it's small and there's 4 of us I need to be on it all the time doing bits and bats or it becomes a tip within a few hours. It's a complete mess and I really struggle to focus and channel my energy onto it.

I'm playing catch up with work at the moment due to a few changes being made. I've been feeling anxious about keeping up with it all. A couple of days ago I had a mini meltdown when talking to DP and cried about feeling anxious and feeling like I'm doing stuff wrong and how I can't even keep on top of our little house and its all relentless - he said I'm not giving myself enough credit.

Today he said can he talk to me and told me how the house is getting grubby and how I have told him before we need to put things back when we use them and he's been doing his best but I'm not and how there's stuff everywhere and I'm creating this mess for myself for not tidying straight away and then getting overwhelmed - I said that's not news as I have just told him that a couple of days ago and asked where he wanted to go with this conversation. He said that's it.
He's left to run some errands now and I'm just sat in tears.

He's not wrong but I feel so defensive and like he has just gone back on what he said to me a couple of nights ago when I was upset and I feel like a complete fuck up and failure. I can't look at him and I don't want him near me I feel like I'm not good enough for him or my boys and I can't get my shit together.

I don't even know what to say to him when he gets back.
AIBU to feel like this?

I think you need to actually schedule the time to do things like dishes etc. So if they’re left in the morning because you’re running late you need to change your mornings and schedule the time to do them. I don’t actually understand why they aren’t being done in the evenings? DH take Dc to bed after dinner so you have time to do dishes then. Or you can do bedtime and he can do dishes. Alternate every night.

Being out of the house for between 10 to 12 hours for work (including commute) isn't exceptionally long hours to be honest. If he's home by 6.30 that's the whole evening to help with washing up, tidying, laundry, bedtime etc.

We both HAVE to work each evening or would fall behind on work massively.

I don't thing he's wrong. I'm just overwhelmed and I guess a bit upset because he offered no real help or solution apart from pointing out how its messy after I told him I'm struggling with it a couple of days ago.

I don't know what I can realistically ask him to do.
Technically I'm (badly) looking after everything including food shopping most of the time and always putting it away, laundry, apart from DP putting his own clothes away.
All the cleaning is my bit as I'm PT so dusting, windows, oven/hob, worktops, bathroom, vaccuming/mopping, decluttering etc. I get so worked up trying to do the day to day that I rarely ever get around to doing the less frequent house jobs as I'm forever in a tailspin with a god awful attention span.

In our house we aren't amazingly tidy or equitable but we are 100% a team. We don't tell each other off, we help each other out. He could have cleaned the kitchen in the time it took to lecture you and that would have left you feeling supported, not undermined and criticised.

Someone needs to switch off work for a portion of the evening, at the very least. You can't tidy up, cook dinner, look after the kids and work at the same time, because... physics. You've been set up to fail here, the problem's not you leaving the sellotape out. Dividing your evenings into dedicated blocks might help, rather than trying to multitask, but it does sound a lot like a DH problem.

I can't work this out. Do you both have about equal "leisure time"?

If so, I'd agree that you should be cleaning on the days ds is home with you.

One good tip is each spending 15 mins per day intense cleaning and tidying.

What exactly happens from the time he gets in until bedtime?

It seems as though you have the time but feel overwhelmed? I could be wrong. If that's the case, then make a very detailed list of what needs to be done split it proportionally. You just need to work according to a plan. He also needs to step up. And a good 20 min tidy up before bedtime will really help.

I think the problem is that you are both doing too much! DH is routinely out for 12 hours a day, only coming home to have dinner and do bedtime and then do more work in the evenings.
You work during DC's nursery hours for 3 days a week and in the evening 5 days a week and the rest of the time you are looking after youngish DC.

You either need to (both of you) find different jobs or keep on top of things as you go along. I'd suggest the before bedtime blitz. And you need to massively lower your standards if they are currently anywhere above "very basic hygienic".

and make sure you (both of you) get some time off. You must both be shattered which won't help your relationship.

"I don't know what I can realistically ask him to do."

See, this sort of thing we can help with. Our deal is DH tidies the kitchen after dinner every night. That may also mean clearing away breakfast and/or lunch stuff if I hadn't got to it. No grumbling, he considers it all his job and if I'd already done some, he'll thank me and consider it a bonus. He took on this job when our eldest was a baby as it takes a decent chunk of time every night but doesn't require much knowledge of the rest of the task list. It includes wiping down surfaces, sweeping floor if needed, emptying bins if needed.

Also, you could both commit to 10 mins of concentrated tidying every night. Kids can help too. We used to play A Spoonful of Sugar when DC were tiny, now DS DJs! Or even 5 mins or one track length would help. But crucially, do it together without judgement.

Having to work extra hours each night so you don't fall behind in work means that both of you are falling behind at home. That's the choice you are both consciously making.

Why can't you both just work the hours you get paid for and flag it up the line if your workload can't get done in your paid hours?

Sit down with your husband and count the hours you get paid for. Then count the extra hours you are doing at home . For free.
Would you go to work at night anywhere else for free? No. So why are yous doing this?????