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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Rude father in law

48 replies

Googoodol · 11/06/2021 17:38

Please can I have some advice, my father in law has always been a rude arrogant man, normally I just put up with it to save arguments but recently It’s been getting worse, he constantly puts me down, when I was pregnant he had a drink and was taking photos of me zooming in and saying “look at your double chin” etc he says little petty comments like “when is your ds going to get a hair cut he looks like a hippy” (he doesn’t) also “your shoes look really scruffy” “mummy and daddy need to get you new ones don’t they “ considering he knows we can’t afford to at the moment the shoes are fine btw , his also a sexiest racist pig when we go out with them and he sees someone that is over weight he has to mumble a disgusting comment like “look at there fat arse, he is so vile makes me sick. He always puts his own son down in front of me but wouldn’t say it to his face . My mother in law just sits there like a little mouse when his being rude and doesn’t say a thing. It’s so hard because he is a good grandad but I just don’t want my sons being around someone like that but what can I do he is there grandad . He constantly puts my weight down I’m either too skinny or chubby when believe me his no oil painting. He never has nothing nice to say and seems to be happy when me and my husband fail at something . His a bitter old man . I’m a polite nice person never done anything wrong to him, he just never has anything nice to say and if my husband and I were doing well for example at work it’s like he hates it so weird and odd. Sorry just needed to rant don’t understand why some people are so cruel , they ask to have my kids some weekends and I don’t want them to miss out because he is a good grandad but just not a nice person I would never say some of the things he does just don’t understand it :(

OP posts:
bonfireheart · 11/06/2021 17:41

What does your husband say?

bonfireheart · 11/06/2021 17:41

Also you say he is a good grandad but how long before he starts saying those things to the kids?

Motnight · 11/06/2021 17:43

He is not a good grandad.

Go NC.

StopPokingTheRoyalTitDear · 11/06/2021 17:47

He’s a racist and a misogynist so no, he’s definitely not a “good grandad”. Raise your standards. How does your partner feel about seeing his shithead of a dad?

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 11/06/2021 17:51

I wouldn't want my children spending too much time with a man who can't hold his tongue, and refrain from saying nasty things about the way people look. How long before they pick up on that, and start saying nasty things about people they see in the street? I'd be minimising time spent with him, and if he says nasty things in front of you and the children, call him out on it, as this shows your children that that sort of behaviour is unacceptable, if it causes a row, then you have every reason to go NC.

romdowa · 11/06/2021 17:51

That is not a good grandfather, your kids need to see you stand up to his toxic bs or they will start to think its acceptable.

ShowMeTheSugar · 11/06/2021 17:51

How do you respond and what does your partner say?

I'm struggling to see how he's a good grandad tbh

Zari29 · 11/06/2021 17:52

It's baffling that you say he is a good grandad. No you are very unclear what good means. He is horrid and that will extend to your DC as well. Utterly baffling that it would occur to you that if he puts down his own son, he wouldn't do that to his gc.

ShinyGreenElephant · 11/06/2021 17:54

Hes not a good grandad. My gran adored my kids but she was a racist so she never ever once saw them unsupervised, only with me there so that if she ever made a unsavoury comment I was there to call her out. Do NOT leave your kids unsupervised with such a horrible rude man and I wouldnt bother spending any time with him either. He sounds vile

TheBobJog · 11/06/2021 17:55

The definition of a 'good grandad' has changed since I were a lass it seems

Inthesameboatatmo · 11/06/2021 17:59

Absolutely toxic ,for you and the child go no contact as soon as possible.

HotSauceCommittee · 11/06/2021 18:00

There is no good result from staying quiet. You just get to continue the status quo and suck up the rudeness.
So what if a rude old fuck gets annoyed when you tell him to shut up and to stop being rude.
There really is no point to continuing like this. Your children will pick up on it.
You and your DH are adults; no lesser than FIL. You do not have to listen to it, nor to spend time with him. You have your own agency and you absolutely must not steer clear of any rows in order to give him a free pass to behave like this.

katy1213 · 11/06/2021 18:03

If you don't like him, drop him. Let your husband facilitate the relationship with grandchildren if he can be bothered.

AuntMasha · 11/06/2021 18:04

Next time he does it, tell him to look in the mirror. He sounds repellent and I wouldn’t want someone so toxic around children.

FlowerArranger · 11/06/2021 18:05

You need to speak up.

Politely, non-confrontational - but clearly.

Googoodol · 11/06/2021 18:12

Thanks for your reply’s and you are all very much right. I say good grandad as he “takes kids to the park” reads them bed time story’s when they stay, play games etc but yeah you are right that doesn’t make him a good grandad! I have stood up to him many times, I’ve all most split up with my husband over it before . My husband has said something to him before about his behaviour but I don’t think he supports me enough it’s almost as if his scared of him . It’s so weird as my husband is complete opposite to him not like him at all which I’m so grateful for. I just feel a bit bad on my mil she’s a lovely lady but she is controlled by this man what ever he says goes and unfortunately she doesn’t have a back to stand up to him. I think I will have to cut contact and do what’s best for my kids I don’t want them picking up his awful ways I won’t have them ruined by such a man , thanks so much for your comments he just brings me to tears sometimes I don’t understand why his so bitter and cruel he must have his own issues ! Thank you

OP posts:
User52739 · 11/06/2021 18:13

Get a grip OP. He’s not a nice granddad. Stop putting your kids in the path of a horrible man who says awful things around them!

mynameisbrian · 11/06/2021 18:20

He is a nasty bully who has a wife who is unable to have a voice, a DS who is scared of him and a DIL who he abuses . He is a nasty grandfather who abuses those around him. You need to remove yourself and your DC from this man. Folks who sexually abuse kids can take them to the park- it doesnt equate to good.

Googoodol · 11/06/2021 18:32

I know you are right , I have been weak for to long I’m quiet/shy person and suffer with anxiety very bad but I should of told him to fuck off out of our life’s ages ago for the sake of my children there such kind and loving kids . Thank you really appreciate your comments I have been a bad mum by letting him in our life’s for this long

OP posts:
paradisaea · 11/06/2021 18:43

You could kick your anxiety into touch.

Harness your anger and really do tell him what you think of him. Let him know he is a bully in front of her and let her know contact is always open with her.

AuntMasha · 11/06/2021 18:45

If you’re a quiet, shy person well, bullies pick up on that because they perceive someone with a gentle nature as weak. That’s how screwed up people with his attitude are. I have been that quiet shy person, so I speak from experience. I expect he knows that because you’re sensitive, his barbs will hurt all the more and that he treated his poor, downtrodden wife in a similar way. Because you are a more gentle person, you probably feel his toxicity even more acutely - do you feel depleted when you have had contact with him? I’ve known bullies who can make me feel unwell when I’ve been around them. You will feel a whole lot better once you set boundaries.

stackemhigh · 11/06/2021 18:51

Your kids will learn to be sexist and racist from him, protect them and stop spending time with him until he stops.

Googoodol · 11/06/2021 18:53

Thanks @Aunt and yes I definitely feel depleted when I have had contact with him I get knots in my stomach and spend the day feeling really down and shit about myself I’m a very sensitive person to sensitive to be fair I hate anyone being upset or causing conflict even though he says things about my appearance I still couldn’t criticise his I would feel so bad even though his an arsehole honestly my empathy ruins my life sometimes 🤷‍♀️ But for my kids I will be a stronger person

OP posts:
IAmAWomanNotACis · 11/06/2021 18:55

I would simply refuse to see him again.

Googoodol · 11/06/2021 18:58

Thanks all completely agree with all comments, thanks for taking the time to reply really appreciate it, things will definitely change now, thanks so much

OP posts: