Rude father in law

[Googoodol]

Please can I have some advice, my father in law has always been a rude arrogant man, normally I just put up with it to save arguments but recently It’s been getting worse, he constantly puts me down, when I was pregnant he had a drink and was taking photos of me zooming in and saying “look at your double chin” etc he says little petty comments like “when is your ds going to get a hair cut he looks like a hippy” (he doesn’t) also “your shoes look really scruffy” “mummy and daddy need to get you new ones don’t they “ considering he knows we can’t afford to at the moment the shoes are fine btw , his also a sexiest racist pig when we go out with them and he sees someone that is over weight he has to mumble a disgusting comment like “look at there fat arse, he is so vile makes me sick. He always puts his own son down in front of me but wouldn’t say it to his face . My mother in law just sits there like a little mouse when his being rude and doesn’t say a thing. It’s so hard because he is a good grandad but I just don’t want my sons being around someone like that but what can I do he is there grandad . He constantly puts my weight down I’m either too skinny or chubby when believe me his no oil painting. He never has nothing nice to say and seems to be happy when me and my husband fail at something . His a bitter old man . I’m a polite nice person never done anything wrong to him, he just never has anything nice to say and if my husband and I were doing well for example at work it’s like he hates it so weird and odd. Sorry just needed to rant don’t understand why some people are so cruel , they ask to have my kids some weekends and I don’t want them to miss out because he is a good grandad but just not a nice person I would never say some of the things he does just don’t understand it :(

I think if you are going to keep seeing him call him out on his behaviour every time. Tell him that really upsets me or that's really rude and unkind, see how he responds. He'll probably say so etching like I'm only joking or winding you up. Just say it's not funny and don't engage.

Best of luck, Op.

@Motnight

He is not a good grandad.

Go NC.

This with knobs on.

@Cotswoldmama yeah I have have called him out before and he turns around and makes me look stupid like it’s “just banter” “can’t you take a joke” “get a sense of humour” then I question myself and think am I to sensitive but I’m really not his comments are hurtful and the way he treats others is not right . I have always wondered why he has no friends most probably insulted them as well 🤷‍♀️

Thanks all

He really isn’t a good grandad. My DM thought my F was a really good father because he did nice things with my siblings and me. But what she didn’t know was that he was sexually abusing my DSis and me. (She knew that he smacked us too hard but she put it down to him being a man and not knowing his own strength. )

Obviously, your FIL can’t damage your DC behind your back as you’re there. But if you present him as a ‘good grandad’, he will be a role model for them. They need to know from you that his behaviour is unacceptable.

Added to the “he is not a good grandad” brigade.
Your kids will soon pick up on his language and repeat what he says to others when they are out with you. People will assume their racism is from you, this should be enough to make you go NC.

I could write the same thing about my FIL. My children spend as little time with him as I can possibly manage. My MIL is lovely so I’ll often arrange things directly with her when I know FIL can’t/won’t come.

This site might be helpful to you, OP.

highlysensitiverefuge.com/

Best of luck

@LizzieW1969bim so sorry to hear that you have been through that and you are completely right he is no role model to anyone let alone my children they are kind and loving nothing like him and that the way I want it to stay, thank you

@Coffeecakeandwine it’s such a shame isn’t it

@AuntMasha thank you, appreciate that :)

@ARealHoliday I know that’s a real worry if they were to ever to copy his behaviour I would be mortified and it would be my thought for not stepping in which will change now. Thank you

can you practice making some nasty comments to him and then when he calls you on it just shrug and say "just bantz, innit"

And stop him having unsupervised access with your DCs.

@Brefugee lol honestly I do feel like it sometimes he isn’t worth it though, must be very unhappy to be so bitter and vile

And yeah defo stopping unsupervised access !

Honestly I'd have snapped by now and asked him why he was such a rude twat

Don't visit him. Don't allow him access to your children because soon enough it will be them calling you names and treating you like shit the way they see him doing. Tell your Dh you have had enough and that his father no longer has a place in your life. If he chooses to continue to see his father then so be it, but he doesn't get to decide for you.

His - belongs to
He's - he is

So, you waited two weeks to post this little nugget?

@Googoodol - if he tries to say “It’s just a joke”, you could say “Can you explain exactly why it’s funny?” - and just look calmly at him - and whatever he says, you reply “But that doesn’t explain why making nasty comments about someone else is funny. Am I allowed to make nasty comments about you, as long as I call it a joke?”

Basically meet every attempt at explanation with polite scepticism. It is easy to say something is just a joke, but a lot harder to explain why it is funny to the victim of your ‘joke’ who has an expression on her face that says she isn’t taking any more of your shit.

And you can do this all in a perfectly polite tone of voice, so he has nothing to take offence at. After all, you are just taking a polite interest in his comedy routine, aren’t you.

Good. Horrid people need to be got rid of.

You say your MIL sits there like a mouse but then you do the same? If ANY man commented on my weight like that I'd simply cut them off and make zero effort to see them again. He's a pig but you're enabling him. He won't change - these types never do - so don't expose your DC to this unless you want them to follow suit...

I'd be telling your DH I find your father such a nasty, objectionable, rude tosser that I've decided not to see him again. You crack on if you want to keep contact with the unpleasant old bugger - but it won't be in my home and I'd prefer it if you can manage to limit our children's exposure to his racism at least. Cheers.

[quote Googoodol]@PerciphonePuma alright Karen! No one cares 🤪[/quote]
No need for the Karen comment.