How to stop bedtime descending into a daily shitshow?!

[happyland16]

Single parent to a 6 year old and 2 year old.

By the time bedtime comes around, I just seem to have ZERO patience and everything escalates so quickly.

I’m burnt out from a busy working day, school runs, cooking, housework etc and they’re mirroring my grumpiness and it’s descending into chaos with the eldest especially. Youngest is bathed and in bed by 6:45pm so she’s asleep by the time eldest gets to bed (7:30pm) as they room share.

But those 45 mins with the eldest are awful and it’s reducing me to tears every night. I’m lucky that they’re generally always both asleep by 8, but how do I go about keeping calm and making the evenings less rubbish?!

Shower and teeth brush seem like a battle and where story time used to be enjoyable, eldest just gets too silly at the moment and ruins it. End up feeling like an awful mum every evening lately and the guilt for getting easily annoyed over bedtime silliness too quickly is rubbish. Help 🙁

Could you give the 6 Yr old big sister responsibilities involving her in getting the 2 Yr old to bed somehow? I don't have any experience but that's what springs to mind. You can then encouraged and reward the good behaviour /helping. Maybe tell a fib that there's a competition for most helpful big sister in a magazine and then make a sticker chart and reward her with something big ish at the end of the week /weekend and then involve her in "your idea" of carrying it on with Mummy rewarding her each week? This could be a bat shit idea so sorry if it is!

I can’t help I’m afraid but just wanted to extend my sympathy to you @happyland16.
I have three. Only one is asleep (2 year old). Seven and five year old are not interested.
We both work full-time and are both shattered. Dealing with bed refusers is honestly hideous! Bed time is the bane of my life.

We've got three close together, no useful tips just solidarity and to say you aren't alone

Maybe an earlier bedtime for oldest so not so tired and silly?

Can you shower and PJ them both straight after dinner then let the older sit while you settle the younger? Then its just her story in bed and if she isn't listening to it, stop reading and turn off the light.

Would it help to put the six year old to be a bit later? The evening maybe less stressful with a bit more time and your eldest may benefit for getting a bit more 1:1

Could you read the eldest bedtime story downstairs then you won't feel as stressed if they are loud or messing about as it won't affect their sibling. Then after the story go upstairs to get tucked in. (If they are sharing a room - mine used to share and I would find it stressful trying to get the second lot to sleep when they first lot were already in there asleep. )

It's the 2 year old here sho has challenges at bedtime, so I'm jealous you can get yours to sleep. Can they go in the bath together and oldest have a talking book in the bed whilst you get younger one into bed? Ask your oldest what they'd like at bedtime, snuggle in a blanket with mum etc. and incorporate that if you can. I'd do a quick wash at the sink if showers would be chaos. They don't need a shower every night.

God knows OP. I’m a single parent with a 6 and 3 year old. Bedtime is my least favourite time of day. It’s so utterly stressful. 3 year old still awake now, despite being up since 7 and at preschool today with no nap.

Thank you so much for your suggestions and just general solidarity, needed to hear I’m not alone with it being awful 😣

@MyFloorIsLava a really good suggestion, thank you. I may try this and see what difference it makes.

I think my youngest has a really tight association with bath time leading to teeth brush leading to bed, the routine helps her settle quickly, but no reason why I couldn’t get eldest into PJ’s and teeth brushed after dinner to allow that time once youngest is asleep to be more relaxed

Used to pride myself on being the kind of mum that plays with the kids loads, plenty of allocated 1:1 time, all of that has just gone out the window the last few months along with my patience. I know they need to feel connected to be settled but my goodness, it’s tough some days to find the will!

I think as they get older, they detect when you are desperate to get them to bed and that’s when they play up! If at all possible, just try and take it slowly and not clock watch too much, just enjoy the time with the eldest, have a chat, maybe play a board game some nights instead of a story just to mix it up a bit or listen to an audio book with a drink together (milk for your eldest, wine for you?!).

I recommended this before but I'll do it again. Try the Moshi sleep app. I'm a huge fan of headspace and used it when babysitting my niece. It worked so well that my SIL signed up for a free trial of Moshi and has used it ever since. My niece isn't always asleep by the end but she's so much calmer and a second story usually does the trick. You have nothing to lose in trying it.

A quiet special nightly game like dominoes before reading? Or colouring in together/making bead jewellery/Hama beads, something that is for you and her as the bigger ones.
Or a firm talk, change of reading books to new ones, a warm milky drink together.

I second bath/shower and teeth at the same time. Then put DC2 to bed and have some 1on1 time with eldest with no more tasks to be done

Got DC 6 and 2 here too and can be tricky in the evening. I outsource older DC stories to a tonie box (or audiobooks/kids podcasts)

Mine are older now but i remember bedtime was the dreaded time of the day, reward charts worked wonders when mine were that age, can you try that?

Thank you again all, this is all so helpful. @Retrievemysanity love the wine for me, milk for DS idea! Genius!
A few have mentioned reward charts, my eldest does respond really well to these and we use one every week, but a good idea to target it more towards the bedtime side of things rather than generalised daytime behaviour.
I know deep down the issue is me though, and my really low tolerance for silliness, especially at bedtime. I think just making it a calmer experience all found would go a big way to helping

Another vote for the Moshi story app thing. I went through a period when my 2 boys were unsettled at bedtime, particularly my youngest. He would have been 6/7 then. Eldest would have been 10/11 and was always asleep by the end of the first story and youngest by the end of a second. Saved my sanity many a night as we were all in the same room and I'd often worked a night shift and been up all day.
Always good to know you're not alone xx

I totally get you. The thing that I try to remember is that bedtime is one of the few times during the day where they have my full attention. So sometimes they get silly to stretch out bedtime and get my attention more. I have variable levels of tolerance for this. Sometimes shout. Here’s a few things that have worked for me but don’t always:

Earning stories. One story for teeth, one story for PJs on and one story for washing face and hands/bath. Worked really well for a while.

No fun bedtime at all if they’re too hyper. Straight to bed with no stories. Normally ends in crying but is a good boundary to use occasionally.

Letting the kids read to themselves in bed.

@SwanShaped like the idea of earning stories, I do it the other way round in that if eldest doesn’t behave he loses a story so reframing it to ‘earn’ one is a much better approach.
Really hoping today will be a better bedtime, will report back if anything makes a difference!

At 6, she’s old enough for you to read her a proper gripping long book, a chapter a night. She will look forward to the next chapter (only earned when she’s brushed her teeth and got into bed with you), she’s a Big Girl old enough fir the book so feels proud etc. Gives her continuity, a purpose and aim for getting ready quickly, and special mummy time. Any simple chapter book like Lion Witch and Wardrobe will do.

Sorry, forgot your oldest was a boy!

Just here to find out how to get a 2 year old to bed so quickly 😭

Yeah it switched it round after wracking my brains on how to make it more positive. I drew a little poster about it. It doesn’t always work thorough. But then, nothing works all the time.

Can you do both at the same time?

Both in bath, teeth, pjs. Then put older one downstairs with a picture book to look at. Put younger to bed. Go downstairs read the book with older one and then take her up.

So it’s not really doing everything twice.

Don’t take away her stories as a punishment, you are only making your life harder that way.