To ask you to tell me about your One That Got Away

[Naunet]

I’ve been thinking about mine over lockdown, it’s been 20 years since we saw each other, but have always kept in touch on and off. Nothing would ever happen, he’s not right for me at all, yet I’ve never been able to completely let go of the idea. I think it’s the same for him, he’s referred to me as his one that got away too, and it really makes me wonder why we both feel that. We were basically kids when we were seeing each other, never serious, weren’t even all that close, so what on earth is that pull to each other about?! I’m guessing it’s maybe projection?

Would love to hear from others who have experienced this!

We've just got back in touch after almost 30 years, both now single...watch this space 😉

You're playing a dangerous game if you're having these conversations with each other.

It's common to look back on your younger years through rose-tinted eyewear.

I'm incredibly happy with my husband and if we had broken up I think he'd be mine. But if I wasn't with him it'd be a guy a shagged whilst at uni. He was a semi successful musician (his band had done all the big festivals and made it to top 10 in charts a couple of times) then the band broke up so he went to night school to apply to uni and we met at a RG uni on our course. Sex was absolutely amazing. I mean truly earth shattering and we were at it constantly in my halls and all over london. He was very cerebral and into art and music and taught me a lot and would arrange these brilliant dates where he would show me cool corners of London, tiny dusty museums I'd never heard of, take me to see jaw droppingly talented undiscovered bands play and was just a really cool guy.

After a year he sort of just pulled away and got back together with his previous girlfriend, a few months later he asked to meet, apologised and tried to make amends and I wasn't having any of it and that was that. He's now back with original girlfriend, a professor elsewhere in Europe, married with a kid and seems very happy. I'm married to my incredibly kind, clever, sexy and successful DH so things worked out for both of us.

I don't think he's my one that got away in the sense of pining for him, but I do think he's the only other person apart from DH I could have imagined settling down with. I was also so attracted to him his smell would literally make me tremble. Utterly bizarre and a bit embarrassing looking back.

@FuckyouCovid21

We've just got back in touch after almost 30 years, both now single...watch this space 😉

Good luck!! What made you get back in touch?

@HelpMeh

You're playing a dangerous game if you're having these conversations with each other.

It's common to look back on your younger years through rose-tinted eyewear.

Oh we don’t have these conversations, I’ve never said this to him and he’s just made the odd comment over the years that I’ve let slide and not responded to, but it’s still gets stored away in my head!

I think you’re right, it’s looking back at younger years with rose tinted glasses. And whilst I don’t look back at him that way (because as I said, he’s really not right for me and we were never even that close), he might represent those years on some level. I’m fairly sure it’s projection, but it still drives me crazy trying to work it out sometimes!!

I don’t have one. DH is the only person I ever saw myself being with forever.

I agree with @HelpMeh. You’re playing a dangerous game if one or both of you aren’t single.

@DulseSeaweed

I'm incredibly happy with my husband and if we had broken up I think he'd be mine. But if I wasn't with him it'd be a guy a shagged whilst at uni. He was a semi successful musician (his band had done all the big festivals and made it to top 10 in charts a couple of times) then the band broke up so he went to night school to apply to uni and we met at a RG uni on our course. Sex was absolutely amazing. I mean truly earth shattering and we were at it constantly in my halls and all over london. He was very cerebral and into art and music and taught me a lot and would arrange these brilliant dates where he would show me cool corners of London, tiny dusty museums I'd never heard of, take me to see jaw droppingly talented undiscovered bands play and was just a really cool guy.

After a year he sort of just pulled away and got back together with his previous girlfriend, a few months later he asked to meet, apologised and tried to make amends and I wasn't having any of it and that was that. He's now back with original girlfriend, a professor elsewhere in Europe, married with a kid and seems very happy. I'm married to my incredibly kind, clever, sexy and successful DH so things worked out for both of us.

I don't think he's my one that got away in the sense of pining for him, but I do think he's the only other person apart from DH I could have imagined settling down with. I was also so attracted to him his smell would literally make me tremble. Utterly bizarre and a bit embarrassing looking back.

I’m pleased to hear it all worked out for you, and he’s just a nice memory - nothing embarrassing about your reaction to such good sex either, you lucky sod 😄

Oh yes. Been there. Done that.

A complete and utter waste of bloody time, effort, money and tears. I moved from one end of the country to the other to be with him, before I realised there was a reason he 'got away' in the first place.

Utterly selfish Mummy's boy. Be very wary!

Not always - but I think most ‘ones that got away’ are romantic partners that people met when they were younger and part of that nostalgia is more for the time/youth than the person themselves.

Also if it doesn’t work out with your partner/spouse you might wonder if that person would’ve been a better fit.

But the reality is the tensions and pressures of getting older, having kids, paying rent/bills/mortgage might mean someone you met before those things might forever be crystallised as that ideal in your mind. But maybe I’m too cynical!

@Sparklesocks

Not always - but I think most ‘ones that got away’ are romantic partners that people met when they were younger and part of that nostalgia is more for the time/youth than the person themselves.

Also if it doesn’t work out with your partner/spouse you might wonder if that person would’ve been a better fit.

But the reality is the tensions and pressures of getting older, having kids, paying rent/bills/mortgage might mean someone you met before those things might forever be crystallised as that ideal in your mind. But maybe I’m too cynical!

Nope, I think you’re spot on! I KNOW this guy wouldn’t be good for me, we have very different lives and really we’re strangers these days. I’ve never been tempted to pursue anything because of that, BUT, it doesn’t stop me wondering sometimes what could have been. It makes no logical sense, so I know it must be about something else, and nostalgia sounds about right.

I still (sometimes) dream about the One Who Broke My Heart. We were both far too young, and carrying baggage from our assorted (troubled) families. He cheated (for several months) with someone else, who he then got together with.

I've never felt so utterly wretched in all my life - proper broken heart, that was. I absolutely adored him. I usually dream about him when I am feeling insecure. But I don't regret not being with him - DH is loyal as the day us long, and I love that.

@Sparklesocks

Not always - but I think most ‘ones that got away’ are romantic partners that people met when they were younger and part of that nostalgia is more for the time/youth than the person themselves.

Also if it doesn’t work out with your partner/spouse you might wonder if that person would’ve been a better fit.

But the reality is the tensions and pressures of getting older, having kids, paying rent/bills/mortgage might mean someone you met before those things might forever be crystallised as that ideal in your mind. But maybe I’m too cynical!

I totally agree. I don't believe in "the one" anyway, there are a load of "ones" out there, the "one" is just the one you happen to have made it work with.

I have had a tendency to romanticise some of my boyfriends/crushes from 30+ years ago sometimes but I know that if any of them tipped up now it would be different.

I had my heart totally broken at the age of 19 by someone who I pined after for many years when he ran off with another girl: I dreamed about him until I was in my mid 20s. I saw an interview and picture of him in a local newspaper recently and he was so utterly average and dull I remember thinking I dodged a massive bullet.

The intensity of feeling you have for people in your late teens/early 20s, coupled with the lack of commitments and the need for pragmatism massively amplifies the sex/romance. A lot of the wistfulness about the people is actually just nostalgia for that whole period of your life.

I was just thinking about this! My first true love and I split up when he went travelling to NZ and I moved away to university. If all the social media and ability to live chat for free that exists now had existed 20 years ago, I know we would have made it.

Mine appeared back in my life seven years later... we're now married with one DC

Not the love of my life, but got away. Met a friend of friends back from uni with another friend, on night out, danced, snogged etc all night long. Arranged for him to ring me next day to go out. Never did. Bastard.
However, I did end up getting with his mate months after, who later (years later, because we married) admitted that he told him that I was seeing someone else, who was very jealous, because he fancied me. Double bastard.

I think I’ve misinterpreted the phrase - I thought it just meant someone who got away when it feels like there was unfinished business, so you mentally hang on to them a bit. Someone you think What Ifs about.
Is it meant to refer to “The One”?!
Christ, if that’s what he meant then I probably do need to stop talking to him completely 😬

@Naunet

I think I’ve misinterpreted the phrase - I thought it just meant someone who got away when it feels like there was unfinished business, so you mentally hang on to them a bit. Someone you think What Ifs about. Is it meant to refer to “The One”?! Christ, if that’s what he meant then I probably do need to stop talking to him completely 😬

The one that you feel could maybe have been forever for you. That’s how I see it.

I had someone who, at the time, I assumed I’d always love. He cheated on his girlfriend with me (not a proud moment for me) but, when given an ultimatum, chose the girlfriend. I was besotted with him but it was completely different to how I felt when DH and I got together. DH and I felt like we clicked together and that was that. I genuinely felt something shift the day I met him.

So, the cheating arsehole was kind of one who got away but thank fuck for that. He was never The One.

There’s someone I’ve known since Uni (21 years since I left) with whom there is lots of ‘sliding doors’ moments. I think we could have easily ended up together had the dice lanes slightly differently but I love my dh and our girls beyond words so when I think of it/him it’s more in a ‘ how different things might have been’ way rather than wistfulness

We worked together 9 years ago.
I was with my ex in an unhappy relationship, and I had a bit of an emotional fling with him and a few hugs.
But we both agreed that we couldn’t go any further because of me being with my ex.
A few months later my job came to an end and I left, and although we have kept in touch as Facebook friends we haven’t seen each other for almost 10 years now. We both also live in different towns.

It took me a few years to get over him.

I’m now single and so is he. But 9 years too late. If we ever bumped in to each other I think those feelings for him would come flooding back, but I doubt they would come back to him for me.

Mine’s the opposite! I recently found my first boyfriend on FB and he’s very recently become a father (to twins, genuinely not MN ‘twins’) after a very well documented struggle with infertility, yet he’s a road cyclist and regularly posting his all day bike rides and pictures of himself fixing his motorbike and going for rides in the countryside. Lucky escape I think, I bet his poor wife isn’t enjoying such freedoms!

I honestly wrote a thread out with almost this title last night and deleted it.

Mine was about 20 years ago too. I was absolutely head over heels in love with him. He was gorgeous, funny, clever, kind, amazing sex. We both screwed it up and my heart was absolutely broken when we split. We lost touch a couple of years after and now he's nowhere to be found. Not on any social media in his real name. Our mutual friends have lost touch too.

I would really love to see/hear from him but it would probably be really dangerous. I don't think I'd stand a chance of keeping anything platonic, the pull would be too strong.

I'm in a very happy relationship and my life is good but I can't shake off thoughts of this man. I say I don't believe in soulmates but this guy made me feel like no one else ever has.
I dream about him now and again and wake up feeling so sad.

I'm relieved I'm not alone.

Yes. Met in 2018
instant attraction
but he is in another country now and there’s no reason now for him to come back to Britain, even if he was allowed to fly in
So that’s that. I know I won’t see him again but I wish we could have had a relationship

I don’t believe in “The One” anyway, so I don’t have a “The One That Got Away”. However, I had a toxic, addiction type relationship with my ex. We knew we weren’t good for each other but one of us would always start the cycle again and the other would give in. We ended the contact and cycle when I got with DH. Ex tried to start the cycle again when I was with DH and fortunately I had the sense to just cut contact there. If we still had contact I’d probably still feel that pull, that addiction, despite having DH in my life. I’m so much happier with DH than I could ever be with my ex and life is so much calmer. Still that pull would be there. I have no doubt that if we were both single, we’d search each other out and start the whole toxic cycle all over again.

I can’t explain why such a bad relationship, that made us both horrible versions of ourselves could have such a pull over both of us. The only way I can describe it is that it was an addiction.

In my first graduate job I worked with a friend of a friend - I’d met him once or twice before, age we’d always got on very well. We sorted of juried around each other, not quite getting it together. A year or so later he got a job overseas - there were huge opportunities in my industry in Asia at the time. I was designated driver at his leaving do. When I dropped him home he said “.... but why aren’t you coming with me?”. I’ve been happily married for 21 years, but sometimes I wonder what might have happened if I hadn’t had a car full of drunk people to take home.

Never saw him again.

*juried = lurked