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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask you to tell me about your One That Got Away

39 replies

Naunet · 10/06/2021 20:09

I’ve been thinking about mine over lockdown, it’s been 20 years since we saw each other, but have always kept in touch on and off. Nothing would ever happen, he’s not right for me at all, yet I’ve never been able to completely let go of the idea. I think it’s the same for him, he’s referred to me as his one that got away too, and it really makes me wonder why we both feel that. We were basically kids when we were seeing each other, never serious, weren’t even all that close, so what on earth is that pull to each other about?! I’m guessing it’s maybe projection?

Would love to hear from others who have experienced this!

OP posts:
Naunet · 10/06/2021 22:14

@exybusiness

I honestly wrote a thread out with almost this title last night and deleted it.

Mine was about 20 years ago too. I was absolutely head over heels in love with him. He was gorgeous, funny, clever, kind, amazing sex. We both screwed it up and my heart was absolutely broken when we split. We lost touch a couple of years after and now he's nowhere to be found. Not on any social media in his real name. Our mutual friends have lost touch too.

I would really love to see/hear from him but it would probably be really dangerous. I don't think I'd stand a chance of keeping anything platonic, the pull would be too strong.

I'm in a very happy relationship and my life is good but I can't shake off thoughts of this man. I say I don't believe in soulmates but this guy made me feel like no one else ever has.
I dream about him now and again and wake up feeling so sad.

I'm relieved I'm not alone.

He sounds a lot better than mine 😄 He was an idiot, and so was I really, we were young and didn’t treat each other great, although the sex was really good so maybe that’s the draw! It sounds like it worked out for the best in the long run, and who knows, maybe you wouldn’t find him remotely attractive anymore? But the wondering can be so strong, I don’t know how we shake that off.
OP posts:
Rewis · 10/06/2021 22:23

I don't really believe in "the one that got away". But I'll play!

I think mine is more like what if. We broke up for a reason, it just wasn't working due to our personalities. However, he was perfect on paper and he is exactly the type of person I Wanted to end up with and would have the life i imagined. Sometimes I wish I was with someone like him just so things would be easy. But then I remember why we broke up and then think that id be super frustrated. I absolutely love my current boyfriend but due to circumstances we have a complex relationships and sometimes I just really wish for easy life. But then I remember how much I love my bf and why me and ex broke up. I truly wish him and his wife happiness. So it is definately more about the fantasy and the comfort that I miss than the actual person.

Catra · 10/06/2021 22:25

There's only one who comes close. I caught sight of him in the distance during my first term at university and felt a magnetic pull, but told myself he was way out of my league - cool, handsome, quirky, well-liked, and stupendously intelligent. We weren't on the same course or even the same campus yet through a series of coincidences we got to know each other through mutual friends and a group of us ended up sharing a house together for the next five years.

During that time we bonded through music, films, literature, and some extremely surreal experiences that I can't do justice to here without writing a novel. We both got into numerous tempestuous relationships with other people during those five years. His girlfriends were all stunning and I ruled out the possibility of us ever being more than friends.

Then one day I came home to find him curled up on my bed. I was gobsmacked when he told me that he'd been in love with me for a long time and needed to know whether I felt the same. For the first time since we'd met we were both single, and what followed was a magical couple of months that I will never forget. We both knew it couldn't last - he'd taken a job on the other side of the world and for various reasons I was tied to the UK. Neither of us put any pressure on the other, we just enjoyed what we had while it lasted, which made it even more poignant. Even now, I can relive every passionate moment in slow motion, to a soundtrack of our favourite music.

He never did return to the UK - while working in Asia he met his future wife and relocated to her native North America. I too am happily married to a wonderful man and we both have young families. 20 years on, we still keep in touch regularly, sending friendly messages on social media, genuinely pleased to see each other doing well.

Recently, he paid a brief visit alone to the UK for a relative's funeral and we spent the day together reminiscing about times past. We clicked as though we'd never been apart and the pull I felt towards him was incredibly strong. I sensed he felt the same way, and when we said goodbye, we had a long hug that said more than words ever could - neither of us would cross a line and betray our spouses - in fact, if he were capable of that I'd lose my attraction for him in an instant. However, this meeting left me with an unshakeable feeling that he was the only one - except for my husband - with who I was compatible enough to have built a life had circumstances been different...

CarnationCat · 10/06/2021 22:29

I was young and was seeing a boy for about a year. We had the best summer together I think I've ever had. Sounds cringey but we were young and free. He had a family bereavement, moved away to uni and I met someone else (who I wish I hadn't met).

The contrast between the first relationship and the second makes me realise how amazing it was.

goddessofmischief · 10/06/2021 22:39

I trialled my "got aways" after being chronically single for several years.

  1. Fuck buddy, would never be anything more,
  2. The issues we had at the time were still present (Mummy's boy, extremely needy) no future in it,
  3. Led me on for over a year for the girlfriend experience but fucked off to another country giving me a days notice. I figured out that I'm the one who got away. And I'm very happy to finally catch up with myself Grin
Naunet · 10/06/2021 22:45

I figured out that I'm the one who got away. And I'm very happy to finally catch up with myself

Love this, I suspect it might be the case for me too.

OP posts:
lostitall · 10/06/2021 22:52

I genuinely don't have any as after a bit of space away from the relationship I saw them for what they really were

Naunet · 10/06/2021 23:00

@lostitall

I genuinely don't have any as after a bit of space away from the relationship I saw them for what they really were
This is interesting because I’ve always been the same. I’ve been the one to end each of my relationships and have taken time afterwards to reflect and learn, had some painful break ups, but never regrets.

The difference with this guy is that we were never that close, I really didn’t know him all that well despite us having some form of relationship over a couple of years, it’s like we both kept each other at arms length. Plus there was no break up really, I think I just moved away at a time where we didn’t see each other much, I’m not sure I even told him I was going. So maybe that’s the difference and why I might have picked him to project onto.

OP posts:
hadtojoin · 11/06/2021 00:14

My one that got away was a good friend of my BF who I first met a a few weeks after meeting BF. There was a group of us who met almost every week. He was the one who came up with good ideas for us all like a day at the beach or a trip out somewhere and even a midnight swim in the sea. I liked him from the start but he was in his first proper relationship and obsessed with her and I was in love with my BF. A year or so later we had a jokey kiss under the mistletoe, and fireworks went off in my head, the kiss went on longer than it should have and I had to tear myself away as both our partners were there. It was another year on when we were both single that we started bumping into each other and spent a few evenings together. We had sex once and it was good but he didn't realize what I felt about him. He actually told me I wish I could meet someone like you ! I wanted to tell him 'You have' but decided to bide my time and see how things developed. A few weeks later I met my (now) DH and within 3 weeks I realized that my DH was 'the one' I just knew this was who I was going to marry. We are still happily married decades later, but I think if I hadn't met DH he would have been 'my one'

MagnoliaXYZ · 11/06/2021 02:12

I still think about my "one who got away." We have mutual friends on Facebook so I do occasionally get a glimpse in to his life.

We met in our mid-teens and I fell for him immediately. We were friends for a couple of years before anything happened. He used to ask me for advice about his girlfriend (I was friends with her through him). I was stupid though, he told me a couple of times that they'd split up when they hadn't and we slept together (he was my first). He got me pregnant the last time we slept together. He and I both moved away around the same time, me to start uni and him to start his career. I miscarried and never told him about the pregnancy. I've seen him a couple of times since, the last time was about 12 years ago, but all the feelings I'd had for him came rushing back, and I'm pretty sure they would now, too. I know he is (was) a bad boyfriend to his girlfriend (and I also know his marriage didn't last long but don't know why) but I'm almost certain if he knocked on my door tonight, I would eagerly invite him in. I loved him.

amusedtodeath1 · 11/06/2021 02:29

When Í first met my now exH I was a bit keen on his friend and sort of got vibes. Nothing ever happened, he was best man at our wedding. I never really thought any more of it until I separated from my H. They weren't close by then and I was chatting to him and suddenly it all added up, all the nice things he did, the reason he didn't spend time with H any more (he treated me bad towards the end). I was involved with someone else at the time and the timing was all wrong again. It remains unspoken and I don't have contact with him (I'm in a LT relationship), it wouldn't be fair on anyone, would feel like I was being unfaithful.

I do sometimes wonder what life would have looked like if the timing had been right at some point.

stuckdownahole · 11/06/2021 05:30

We were doing teacher training together. She (I'm male) was a sharp funny working-class girl, a bit unusual looking and not conventionally beautiful but really attractive and smiley. She had the rudest sense of humour of anyone I've ever met.

We were early 20s and she was engaged to some bloke she'd known from way back. He was a laddish bloke in a manual job, she was worried they didn't really have enough in common. I could tell even without meeting him that her doubts were real and it almost certainly wouldn't last. My sister met her once, tried to give me a push, I said she was engaged and for the only time in my life my sister said "Oh. That's a shame".

I wish I'd told her she was gorgeous and didn't have to settle, but I was painfully conscious of how much I fancied her and didn't trust myself to be the helpful friend.

Anyway, we finished our training and went to different areas and agreed to meet up in the Christmas holidays and compare notes. She was having an awful time, I just wanted to give her a big hug but settled for a much less comforting pat on the arm. The whole day felt like two people avoiding a conversation, even though we had lots in common there were too many pauses. In the end we decided to go to the cinema where sitting side by side felt uncomfortably intimate, as if we were doing something wrong slthough we clearly weren't. Afterwards, we went for a drink and instead of talking to me she made a point of calling her fiance - even her conversation with him was stilted and unnatural. I didn't suggest getting another round. She went home to cook his tea and that was it.

starrynight21 · 11/06/2021 05:47

Mine came back into my life after 30 years , both divorced etc. We met again and "bingo" that was it . Haven't been apart from that day onwards. We've been married for 13 years .

omgthepain · 11/06/2021 10:19

My first boyfriend is a millionaire 🤣🤣🤣

But I'm very very happy and love my partner so I'm not bothered

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