Not to bring a bottle to a party if I don’t drink?

[4fingerKitKat]

Whenever I went to a party I normally brought a bottle of wine, beers or whatever.

I’ve recently quit drinking and don’t really know what the etiquette is - still bring alcohol? Bring a non alcoholic drink? Bring something else entirely (chocolates, nibbles?).

Help?

I bring 3 or 4 bottles of fancy pop. Once it's open, even alcohol drinkers tend to have a glass or two.

Surely you're taking a bottle for the host as a thank you for hosting you? Not to drink yourself?

I'd always take a bottle of the host's favourite beverage it's irrelevant what you're drinking as it's a gift for the host.

@KatherineJaneway

Hmm, not sure if I agree with that. Our friends certainly put it away, but I’d never expect teetotallers, or people who aren’t drinking for whatever reason, to subsidise the drinkers.

You aren't subsidising them though all things being equal. As host you would provide nibbles, soft drinks etc. No one is expecting you to bring a £20 bottle of wine

As host, I would provide food, soft drinks and wine.

I would not expect non-drinkers to provide wine. That’s just odd.

Taking a bottle is traditional when invited, it’s a token of thanks and a contribution. It is not exclusively for you to drink. Likewise, I don’t take sugar in hot drinks, but l keep some in the cupboard for others.

But if you would rather not, what about some flowers?

That sounds like a good plan, OP.

That said, if it makes you feel uncomfortable to bring a bottle of wine in the wine-as-gift scenario, then you shouldn't feel at all awkward about bringing a different host/hostess gift. Flowers are always lovely, as are chocolates.

I have a friend who quit drinking and started bringing incredibly good cheeses as hostess gifts. She's a delight anyway, but even if she weren't, I'd think about inviting her for the cheese alone. (I don't recommend you do this, necessarily, but from a host's perspective, I loved it.)

I would not expect non-drinkers to provide wine. That’s just odd.

Not odd at all.

I definitey wouldn't expect a non-drinker to provide alcohol. AS others have said bring some nice non-alcoholic drinks that you'd like. Sparking Elderflower always goes down well with drinkers and non drinkers!

@4fingerKitKat

OK so no consensus

I think my take on it is if it’s a very casual ‘come round for a drink’ type thing then bringing a soft drink and some nibbles would be fine.

If it’s a more formal thing where the host is actually going to some expense/effort, then something that is a gift for the host is more appropriate, whether that’s alcohol or something else.

Exactly, the differentiator is are you buying a gift for the host or taking what you want to drink.

@KatherineJaneway

I would not expect non-drinkers to provide wine. That’s just odd.

Not odd at all.

You, as host, are not putting on any wine? But you expect your non-drinking friends to bring it?

It really is.

If I'm driving I always take a selection of soft drinks - I have friends with fully stocked bars but very little in the way of soft drinks. We'd also take a bottle of something alcoholic to stick in the bar if one of us is drinking. And a bunch of flowers. There's no need to take alcohol if you're not drinking though.

We all graduated 30 years ago (well not DH and I because we're drop outs ) and still take drinks to each others houses. Oh dear - have we all been doing life wrong?

You have to bring a bottle for the host. Either that or chocs, flowers etc

Depends how you feel about it.

We have a friend who doesn't drink. Sometimes she brings a bottle of wine, sometimes alcohol free beer or soft drinks. If it's soft drinks she normally brings a bit unusal ones like proper cloudy lemonade or drinks from a small local company, drinks you find in farm shops or NT tea rooms, not just a pack of Sprite.

I don't care if she brings anything at all tbh.

@wasthataburp

You have to bring a bottle for the host. Either that or chocs, flowers etc

Exactly - you have to bring something for the host. Something.

It really does not have to be wine, and if I knew the person coming didn’t drink, I would absolutely not expect their contribution to be alcohol.

Most reasonable people wouldn’t.

I went to a BBQ, not drinking cause I'm pregnant, and brought a big cake.

I think I always see taking a bottle as more of a contribution to the party rather than a gift for the host - not in the sense that I expect to drink what I’ve brought, but i usually bring something that could be shared.

Similarly if I’m hosting an informal party I cater in the expectation that people will bring drinks (obviously I have a decent range of drinks to cater for all but I tend to assume people will bring something they like to drink rather than for me)

@4fingerKitKat

I think I always see taking a bottle as more of a contribution to the party rather than a gift for the host - not in the sense that I expect to drink what I’ve brought, but i usually bring something that could be shared.

Similarly if I’m hosting an informal party I cater in the expectation that people will bring drinks (obviously I have a decent range of drinks to cater for all but I tend to assume people will bring something they like to drink rather than for me)

That makes no sense, if you thought it was a contribution to be shared then why are you even asking if you can just not bring one, if you thought that it was a contribution to be shared you’d just take one.

Bring a box of chocolate for the host and drinks for yourself e.g. lemonade.

I'd take a bottle of wine for the host and a soft drink for me.

@Nataliafalka

I’ve never been anywhere where someone has brought their own soft drinks. I usually take a bottle of fine and flowers or candle or similar. I wouldn’t expect my drink to be opened either. As the host I make sure I’ve got drinks for exterior

Is that like the smoking ban but for alcohol?

@Bluntness100 - not sure I totally understand your comment - are you just saying ‘why am I asking the question if I have my own opinion on the answer’?

Basically to check if what I assumed was the same as everyone else. If you drink, a bottle of wine covers all bases - it doesn’t really matter if I interpret it as BYOB and the host interprets it as a gift for the host (or vice versa). If you don’t drink you’ve got to chose one way or the other.

Anyway I think for the next party I’m going for elderflower fizz and some nice nibbles - for one thing it announces I’m not drinking from the get go whereas if I bring alcohol but am not drinking there’s more explanation needed.

In your situation, I'd take soft drinks for you to drink and a bottle of wine for the host.

Perhaps talk to the host, ask what they would like instead of alcohol?

I'm a lifelong teetotaller and know nothing at all about alcohol. Don't even glance at that aisle in the supermarket as I find it baffling. An airy "just take wine for the host" doesn't make any sense to me. There are so many different types of wine when I've been in that aisle trying to work out where to find Port for a relative who's asked for it for Christmas. I wouldn't know where to start.

I take soft drinks and then something like chocolates or nibbles. Flowers too if I know the host likes them.

@4fingerKitKat

OK so no consensus

I think my take on it is if it’s a very casual ‘come round for a drink’ type thing then bringing a soft drink and some nibbles would be fine.

If it’s a more formal thing where the host is actually going to some expense/effort, then something that is a gift for the host is more appropriate, whether that’s alcohol or something else.

Well you didn't need us at all then.

I take soft drinks and then something like chocolates or nibbles. Flowers too if I know the host likes them.

That is absolutely fine. More than. It’s completely grabby to expect anything more.