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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To cut off terminally ill mother

51 replies

ScottishAussie · 10/06/2021 18:04

Hi this is my first post however I have lurked on Mumsnet for while now. I just need some advice regarding my DM.
My DM raised my sister and I alone after leaving my father who was physically abusive when we were toddlers. She has had numerous boyfriends (at least 15) over the years and when we were growing up she had a different relationship every year. This obviously had a big impact on us as we would get attached and then they would leave. It also led to a situation where we were left with a man she didn’t know very well and we were subjected to CSA. He was eventually arrested and it went to trial. He was convicted and sent to prison. During the investigation/trial she gave me no emotional support whatsoever and never once asked how I felt. Instead she basically threw a tantrum and demanded that I not tell extended family as they would judge her and think she is a bad mum! When I told her I was going to tell my Aunt(her sister) she threatened to cut me out of the will. She has also been emotionally and physically abusive over the years. My DS recently gave birth and my DM managed to create drama and upset her. I confronted her and have not spoken to her for a few weeks now. I feel guilty as she is all alone, she has fallen out with everyone in the family and has upset her siblings to the point that they won’t speak to her anymore. She has no friends either as she falls out with people very easily. The thing is she has no insight into her behaviour and thinks everyone is horrible to her. She was diagnosed with cancer several years ago and it has now come back. She has been told it’s an aggressive form and she doesn’t have much time left. She has now informed me that if I continue to exclude her from my life she will not leave me anything in the will. However I feel a lot happier within myself since I haven’t seen her. AIBU for ignoring her?

OP posts:

something2say · 10/06/2021 18:08

No you are not being unreasonable at all. That's quite a litany of behaviour and I'm sorry to read it. The cancer and will are ted herrings. With or without them, she's a nightmare and you're best to wake up. With inheritance, she's manipulating you with it. I hope there wouldn't be a lot of money to lose. I too am no contact and will lose maybe £100k but I came to terms with that many years ago as I cut contact with my mother at the age of 24. How much are you sacking off by doing this and how much do you care? You could also go and see her one time before she dies and say goodbye, that way you'll have done your bit and set your mind at rest xxxx

Singlenotsingle · 10/06/2021 18:11

Not at all. She's trying to use emotional blackmail on you to make you do what she wants. And who does she have left who is close enough to deserve inheriting anything from the Will? There's no guarantee that even if you do what she wants, she will actually leave anything to you. I think she's been selfish and manipulative throughout her life and now the chickens have come home to roost. Don't feel bad, OP. You don't owe her anything.

DowntonCrabby · 10/06/2021 18:12

Well, quite frankly she was bad mum, an awful one in fact. You owe her nothing and deserve your own peace.

It’s much easier said than done though, will cutting her off haunt you once she’s gone? Literally only your feelings matter here, bugger what she thinks/wants.

I’d cut her off then look at having therapy if you felt you needed it down the line.

MustardRose · 10/06/2021 18:16

Agree with others, she is being manipulative and attempting to force you to jump through hoops to do what she wants.

Whilst having a terminal illness is going to have a profound effect on everyone, she seems to be continuing her narcissistic behaviour. The way she treated you as a child was appalling, and refusing to allow you to talk to other family members about the abuse you suffered because it would make her look bad? Words fail me.

You owe her nothing. Please look up FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) and see if any of it makes sense to you.

Starlightstarbright1 · 10/06/2021 18:18

Yanbu at all. However in there i would say just dobtry to think through how you will feel.if you are not in contact till the end.

Given how manipulative you have said she has been i would wonder how honest she is been about the cancer too.

Keepitcleanplease · 10/06/2021 18:18

Her boyfriend hurt you when you were a child and she didn't even offer you comfort or an apology. I wouldn't even go near her.

Bargebill19 · 10/06/2021 18:19

I went nc and a similar situation arose. I’m still happy with my decisions 20 years later. Only regret I didn’t do it sooner. No amount of money is worth your mental health. Blackmail is horrible, and there are no guarantees she would leave you anything (if that was a reason to stay in contact). An acquaintance is staying in contact with her abusive father purely for monetary reasons - it is not making her happy and it’s been decades of misery for her. Again no guarantees that he will actually leave her anything (worth millions).

MrsBongiovi · 10/06/2021 18:20

I wouldn’t speak to her again. She sounds vile. Just because she’s dying, it doesn’t change who she is.
You feel happier not speaking to her, that’s all that matters.

Mountaingoatling · 10/06/2021 18:22

She's dying. She may not in some people's eyes deserve compassion, but in giving it, you will grow as a person and lessen suffering. It's not your duty, but it's a choice you can make.

FangsForTheMemory · 10/06/2021 18:24

Have you any proof that she isn't lying about the cancer, anyway? Also, there's nothing to say she won't cut you out of your will whatever you do.

I wouldn't go near her.

somersault · 10/06/2021 18:25

She worries about being a bad mum because it's true. Honestly my only motivation would be benefitting financially from the will as some sort of small benefit from having had to ensure her in your life. Saying that, her final act of manipulation could be to exclude you anyway. She sounds awful. I think there is a lot to be said for very consciously deciding to continue to ignore her.

somersault · 10/06/2021 18:26

@Mountaingoatling

She's dying. She may not in some people's eyes deserve compassion, but in giving it, you will grow as a person and lessen suffering. It's not your duty, but it's a choice you can make.

I think thats a lovely thought but it sounds in all honesty like OP could also continue to grow as a person by ignoring this toxic person in her life, dying or not.

Topseyt · 10/06/2021 18:27

It is very much your decision, but I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

KarmaStar · 10/06/2021 18:29

This is not about her,it is about you.
Once she is gone from this world into the next are there going to be any questions you want answers to that she will answer? You may find that as her time becomes closer,she will realise her mistakes and be ready to answer them,she may not of course and remain belligerent to the end.
Are there any words you want to tell her?
If neither of the above apply then stay away.
There is so much hurt inside you and so many questions.
I hope so much that she admits her errors and talks openly to you .🌈🙏🌈

MustardRose · 10/06/2021 18:29

@Mountaingoatling

She's dying. She may not in some people's eyes deserve compassion, but in giving it, you will grow as a person and lessen suffering. It's not your duty, but it's a choice you can make.

Lessen whose suffering? Why should the OP allow herself to be manipulated by an abuser just because the abuser is dying? Leopards don't change their spots when they are mortally wounded, they usually become even more dangerous.

Notaroadrunner · 10/06/2021 18:29

Does she even have much to leave in her will? I don't think any amount of money would be worth the stress she'd cause you in the coming months and possibly years if she gets treatment. It's pretty pathetic that she has to resort to threats to get you to stay in contact. For that reason alone I'd leave her be. She's brought this on herself so only has herself to blame for being alone now.

Original poster

ScottishAussie · 10/06/2021 18:33

Well I have one child and my DS has two children so I suppose she would leave the money to them, since they are very young I don’t know how that would work. I’m angry that she has created a situation that in order to get my inheritance I have to ignore her bad behaviour and suck up to her. I just can’t bring myself to do it. When I am around her I just shut down and am reminded about the abuse and her reaction to it. I just feel like I am constantly reliving the trauma. She also make me feel bad about myself in other ways.I have piled on the weight in recent years and feel really self conscious about it. She bought me a dress recently and when I told my DH it was to small he reluctantly admitted that my mum told him she had deliberately bought me a size too small to motivate me to lose weight . I just ended up feeling embarrassed and shit about myself. Since not talking to her I feel so much better and motivated to lose weight .I have started exercising daily and eating healthy food and I can see the difference already.

OP posts:

Iceybirb · 10/06/2021 18:40

Firstly, are you sure the terminal cancer is real, not made up?

Secondly, how much does she have to potentially leave in her will?

Coming at this from a completely jaded place, if she would potentially leave you a large sum I would continue to see her until her death in order to receive that portion of the will - if it's a large/life changing amount I'd view it as rightful compensation for such a shitty sequence of events in childhood.

Unescorted · 10/06/2021 18:42

YANBU she is behaving in a really manipulative way.

She has pushed your sister and you away - and now she is using 2 tricks fraudsters use to get you to talk to her. Creating urgency - "Time is running out, I am dying of a really aggressive form of cancer" and creating a financial incentive - "talk to me or you won't get your inheritance".

The choice is yours. Consider if you believe her and how you would feel if she did die without reconciling. I don't think you are being
unreasonable to walk away, but only you know how that will impact on you.

butterry · 10/06/2021 18:45

I think the fact that you feel happier and lighter with no contact with her says it all. It's a horrible circumstance for her if she is terminally ill but she is toxic towards you and emotionally blackmailing you with the inheritance. If you don't think that you would regret the no contact if she dies (which it seems like you wouldn't and perfectly reasonable given the past) then don't feel any guilt in doing it.

Staffy1 · 10/06/2021 18:53

How long does she have? It's totally your decision but would you regret it at all years later if you cut her off now? Maybe for yourself as much as her, stay in touch if she hasn't long left.
I've never thought of my mother's money as my inheritance, or expected her to leave me anything. It's not a great reason to stay in touch if that is the only reason.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 10/06/2021 18:56

She wasn’t there when you needed her, you owe her nothing.

Fuckityfucksake · 10/06/2021 19:13

YANBU
I would not have spoken to her as soon as I was able to get away from her. Her behaviour is deplorable.
For me she could stick her will as far up her abusive selfish arse as she could get it.
The thing about being terminally ill - you're still the same person, being ill doesn't change who you are nor what you've done in the past, it doesn't suddenly make you a better person nor worthy of everyone simply forgetting what went on in the past.

Sometimes it does make some folk want to put right their wrongs but this doesn't sound like your mother, particularly as she is still being abusive to you.
I guess the question you need to ask yourself is - once she dies, will you be happy with the decision you make now? It's more about you than her as you are the one who will have to live with it.
I know I would feel justified in your shoes.

Original poster

ScottishAussie · 10/06/2021 19:16

I was with her when she spoke to the oncologist so I know the cancer is genuine. From what he said maybe a year left. She is trying an experimental treatment at the moment but they were very clear that it would only buy her some time. I have helped take care of her over the last several years and have driven her to numerous appointments, visited her in hospital and daily at home when she was recovering from surgery. Before we fell out she told me I would get half her house( which she owns completely) and half her savings/shares. Basically split everything between my sister and myself. The house is a 2 bed flat worth approx £250.000 and savings probably under £20.000. Enough to make a difference. To be honest it would be a huge help with the mortgage. I have spoken to my DH and he said we don’t need her money she is a nasty cow and as we both have professional jobs and earn a good wage we don’t need her money. It would give us financial security though in case one of us lost our jobs. We are in our 30s now and having a big chunk of our mortgage paid off would be a huge benefit especially with so much economic uncertainty in the world at the moment

OP posts:

socalledfriend · 10/06/2021 19:16

YANBU

I am in a similar position. The sooner my mother dies the better, it will be a welcome relief.

No contact means no contact. I am not giving her one last chance to abuse me.

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