To cut off terminally ill mother

[ScottishAussie]

Hi this is my first post however I have lurked on Mumsnet for while now. I just need some advice regarding my DM.
My DM raised my sister and I alone after leaving my father who was physically abusive when we were toddlers. She has had numerous boyfriends (at least 15) over the years and when we were growing up she had a different relationship every year. This obviously had a big impact on us as we would get attached and then they would leave. It also led to a situation where we were left with a man she didn’t know very well and we were subjected to CSA. He was eventually arrested and it went to trial. He was convicted and sent to prison. During the investigation/trial she gave me no emotional support whatsoever and never once asked how I felt. Instead she basically threw a tantrum and demanded that I not tell extended family as they would judge her and think she is a bad mum! When I told her I was going to tell my Aunt(her sister) she threatened to cut me out of the will. She has also been emotionally and physically abusive over the years. My DS recently gave birth and my DM managed to create drama and upset her. I confronted her and have not spoken to her for a few weeks now. I feel guilty as she is all alone, she has fallen out with everyone in the family and has upset her siblings to the point that they won’t speak to her anymore. She has no friends either as she falls out with people very easily. The thing is she has no insight into her behaviour and thinks everyone is horrible to her. She was diagnosed with cancer several years ago and it has now come back. She has been told it’s an aggressive form and she doesn’t have much time left. She has now informed me that if I continue to exclude her from my life she will not leave me anything in the will. However I feel a lot happier within myself since I haven’t seen her. AIBU for ignoring her?

My aunt is a millionaire several times over with no children. She is also a nasty cunt.

She used to tell me how I’d be her beneficiary etc etc but being in her life came with conditions. Ridiculous ones and she was allowed to be as vile as she liked.

I’ve not spoken to her in 16 years (bar funerals) and I’m so much happier. I’d rather be poor forever than have a penny of her nasty money.

My "parents" are will manipulators too, I've told them both to fuck off. I don't need their money and have no intention of seeing them again.

YANBU. At all. I'd cut her out completely and move on - as PP said, is the diagnosis real or more manipulation? I personally wouldnt give a damn about the will, especially considering how she's weaponised it to manipulate you into speaking to her when she's a screaming nightmare of a person.

Your choice. No decision is a wrong one, given the circumstances.

YANBU. My views changed when my MIL, who was always a nasty woman, continued to bully DH from her deathbed. Instead of a touching final reconciliation she remained true to her horrible self to the bitter end. It nearly broke poor DH. You’ve been through so much OP, do what you need to to look after yourself.

Oh and despite repeated threats to cut DH out of her will, she actually didn’t in the end.

She sounds extremely emotionally manipulative/abusive.

There are many things more important than being left money in a will. It sounds as though you're already in a much better head space for not talking to her. So I"d say listen to your husband and stick to your guns. Not everything revolves around money. Show your child you have the self respect to turn down the carrot dangling of 'half her house'.

But agree with others, you do need to decide if you will be happy with this decision once she passes on.

I can't get from your posts what you want Mumsnet to say.

Either you stay no contact and get no inheritance.

Or you jump through a few hoops for a short time and get your inheritance.

I know which I would choose but I'm not in the fortunate position of casually giving up such a large amount of money.

@Chicchicchicchiclana

I can't get from your posts what you want Mumsnet to say.

Either you stay no contact and get no inheritance.

Or you jump through a few hoops for a short time and get your inheritance.

I know which I would choose but I'm not in the fortunate position of casually giving up such a large amount of money.

That's not OK. These situations are never casual. The amount of trauma the OP has been through isn't remotely casual.

People have to make hard decisions and belittling them is not acceptable because of your own situation. A childhood like that has long reaching implications don't minimise them.

^
Absolutely agree. Only someone who hasn’t been in an abusive relationship could minimise this as jumping through a few hoops.

Do what you feel you need to do op, but expect nothing.

I'm so sorry you've had a 'D'M who has behaved so appallingly. I'm afraid if a parent is willing to deprive a child who has been subjected to CSA of family support so she doesn't look bad, I'd wonder what else they are capable of.

I would ignore the financial side as you have zero control of that anyway. You could find that she has still cut you out of her will or has previously remortgaged and has zero finances.

Just make your decision on how you will feel one way or the other and look after yourself.

The financial benefit isn't enough. I wouldn't touch her with a ducking barge pole.

FUCKING!!!!

Nope the money wouldn't be worth it. Plus she is that spiteful to say it in the first place, how do you know that even if you did as she wanted she either hasn't already/would not in the future change the will and not tell you. For you to find out afterwards.

Take the money completely out of the equation.
Do you want to speak to her, see her, spend time with her?
If yes then go for it
If no then don't
Relationships shouldn't come with conditions

She’s trying to buy your compliance. You’ve said yourself that you feel happier when you’ve not spoken to her for a while. In my experience- I have a difficult relationship with my mother too- money can’t buy that feeling. Anyway how do you know she’s not going to keep holding this over you until she actually does die even if you do start spending time with her and stuff? “You have an opinion I don’t agree with! No inheritance for you!” “You looked at me funny! I’m cutting you out of my will!” Etc.

I’m so sorry for all you went through as a child especially the CSA. Did you and your sister ever get counselling or anything to help you? Not just with that but your mother’s attitude towards it and how she raised you?

Peace of mind is priceless and the dangling of an inheritance doesn't tempt me in the slightest. My mum (her 3 DC are all NC with her) does this, basically buying friends with the promise of "seeing them right" when she dies. It's another example of manipulative behaviour.

If you really think you will be happier not having contact, then continue as you are now.

Hope this is allowed - Admin - please delete if not.

This Facebook page that may help -

The Sisterhood: Daughters of Narcissistic and Abusive Mothers.

Closed group.

I have found it amazingly helpful.

www.facebook.com/groups/1443764532410920/

Look, if she was a shit mother before now she’s a shit mother with cancer.
It doesn’t have to make a difference if you don’t want it to

Sorry it's so shit @ScottishAussie

If she died next week and you hadn't seen her for a few weeks, would you feel regret?

I think a halfway house. LC, not NC, just do enough to get the inheritance.

"That's not OK. These situations are never casual. The amount of trauma the OP has been through isn't remotely casual.

People have to make hard decisions and belittling them is not acceptable because of your own situation. A childhood like that has long reaching implications don't minimise them."

Firstly, you have no idea what sort of childhood/relationship I had with my parents so shut up.

My feelings are the OP had to put up with a lot of shit from her mother all her life. But now the shit coming her way from her mother is finite. So I would take the pragmatic view and do whatever it takes to get the inheritance. It's the least she can get from her unhappy relationship with her mother.

I’m not going to advise one way or another, instead ask some questions that may help you decide. No need to answer them here if you don’t want to…

1. Is the money and security worth playing to her tune for awhile longer?
2. What is your gut telling you that she would go through with cutting you out of the will or including you if you reconcile?
3. it doesn’t sound like you really are interested in reconciling, so can you fake it for an indeterminate amount of time?
4. How would you feel about the money if you went through with the reconciliation, as in, would it ‘taint’ other good things in your life?
5. Could you see this as a ‘financial transaction’ or would it cause you further harm and potentially new victimization?

These are just a few things to consider, and I honestly don’t know what I’d do in your situation. I’m generally not too concerned about potential inheritances, and have mentally written a few off. So I have some experience with decisions like yours.

I lied … I am going to give advice. Your gut is telling you to either walk away or play the game to get ‘something’ good from her, even if it just money and the satisfaction of knowing you played her in the end. Listen to your gut. It knows.

I would think creatively about that money. It could make a difference. Would you take a year long job of caring for someone awful for £125,000? Could you take a years sabbatical (don't tell her you are doing this), commit to spending two afternoons a week with her, and spend the rest of the time painting / running / writing a novel / having therapy / going to the theatre / watching trash tv / having massages / doing a Masters? I guess it depends how boundaried you could be, could you treat it as a job rather than as a shitty maternal relationship? Would she punish you more if you tried to do that?